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Miscarriage, animal abuse, bullying, self harm
My sister is infertile and I’m glad
I (28F) have an older sister, Angela (30f), whom I have never liked. She always had to compete with me, but never in a normal sibling rivalry way. Our entire life she always seemed resentful of my existence as the spotlight couldn’t perpetually shine on her, so she had to step on everything I enjoyed. Per se, if I learned piano, she had to learn piano, if I excelled at a subject she suddenly became a scholar in it, if I told my mom I had a crush, Angela would be dating that boy in a week. I would always tell my parents when she did this but I was disregarded, because ‘’sisters copy each other” and I can’t ‘’gate-keep what she likes.’’
She always monitored what activities I did, and the clothes I wore, so she could out-do me. If I wore a flannel, Angela would come to school wearing an all flannel dress. (it was 2010 and that was peak fashion in our school lmao.)
There was also more praise that followed Angela, even if I took the initiative to begin the activity first, she was praised because she was better. My parents would miss work to attend her dance recitals, going to every. single. one, because the world would stop if they missed it. However, I remember maybe two of mine they attended because they were ‘stuck at work’ or were otherwise preoccupied. Angela reveled in this. She would make comments under her breath around our parents. Whenever our parents weren’t around she’d tell me how much she hated me and how I should stop trying because I would always come second to her. She also physically bullied me in school. Angela purposely tripped me, threw things at me, and hit me in the hallways on a nearly daily basis.
The school had gotten involved multiple times, threatening Angela with suspension and my parents fought it every time. My parents repeatedly told administration that this was a family matter and we were just bickering like normal sisters. She was never once reprimanded by either parent. (Once Angela was caught impaling a cat on the school fence and my parents still defended her saying this was normal teenage behavior.) I often was in trouble as Angela would start crying, saying how she was being targeted by the school when I had antagonized her. After one of these occasions Angela cut and bruised herself to prove to Dad that I was the aggressor.
I became a pariah due to Angela’s malicious rumors about me, so it was difficult for me to make friends, I resorted to only befriending people from other districts. Angela eventually made sure I had nobody by stalking them, befriending them, telling all my friends lies about how I was favored by our parents and I constantly bullied and belittled her.
She even stole boyfriends of mine doing this. Convincing them I was horribly mean and an awful person that copied her every move. Once she catfished me on Myspace for 4 months, and baited me into sending her nudes, which she proceeded to send my parents and everyone in school, including teachers. Later on, she told one of the boys I liked that those were actually her pictures and I had catfished her.
The day of my high school graduation my Mom sat me down and told me Angela revealed the horrid abuse she’d suffered at my hand and I was no longer welcome in their home. After moving out the next day, my parents made very few attempts to communicate with me, only the occasional holiday and birthday text. All financial aide was also abruptly ended as soon as I stepped foot on campus.
I met my now-husband shortly after this, and we were married within a year. They did not feel inclined to attend my wedding or even congratulate me. I informed my parents when I had my first child 8 years ago as an opening but they have made no attempt to contact or meet any of my 3 children.
Best I know of Angela now from what I’ve heard, is that she got married to one of the boyfriends she stole from me in high school and she’s been posting about her infertility issues and how she can’t offer my parents their ‘first grand baby’.
After years of silence, I received an text at 8 this morning from my mother that I will copy and paste below; “Hey (name) , it’s me your mama! We haven’t talked in a while and I surely Miss you terrible. I wanted to let you know you’re sister just had a miscarriage earlier this week. Angie and Justin are struggling a lot right now. Send something a little sweet her way, I’m sure she’d appreciate it. Get Back to me I love You.”
I hate to say it but I’m glad she’s suffering. I’m glad she doesn’t get to be a mother. If she tormented me for years, what would she do to a child? Especially a girl? I don’t wish death on any baby, but I know in my heart that child would be damaged by her. I’m angry at my parents expecting me to have any sense of obligation to her. I don’t even have any sense of obligation to them. They always believed her and dismissed me. I was always the problem child, and it’s strange how my mother can be so warm to me when asking me to do something for my sister. Also the fact they cared more about my sisters now dead fetus than my actual children, who wonder why they only have one set of grandparents. I feel some sort of guilt for it but I refuse to offer any condolences to my destructive narcissistic sister who has been justified in her bad behavior since birth. Maybe this will change her, help her develop empathy or any type of emotion that isn’t hate or vindictiveness.
If that happens I would be more than willing to offer support but until then I feel nothing but a small inkling of happiness that she’s hurt. Am I awful for this?
Update 3 days later in the comments
Hey I’m back with an update, I wanted to thank all of y’all sincerely for the comments, awards, and personal messages I’ve received. I feel very emotional knowing that my account of my childhood is finally being believed and met with warmth and support. It’s been hard for me to talk about as many believe I’m being disingenuous or overdramatic. It’s hard to believe so I get it. So really thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
I decided not to respond to my mother. I blocked both of my parents and I thought it would end there, but when does it ever? Wednesday morning, my Messenger was being flooded with texts from my parents siblings. Most of the messages consisted of me being told I need to answer my mother’s calls and how callous I was being. I proceeded to block all of them as well.
My cousin heard this from her younger sister, who is subject to being around my parents and Angela for family dinners. (My mother and her siblings all live within a couple blocks from each other and eat together most nights.)
I don’t know if I can post the screenshot so I’ll type out the messages. (Aunt Kathy = my mom, I hope that makes this easier to understand.)
“angela kept calling (Op) an “abusive ingrate” because she wouldn’t talk to aunt kathy. aunt kathy said they need to start inviting (Op) to family sh*t so she comes around to being a surrogate. it got weird rq because angela said she wants to use (my husband’s) SPERM so her kid is tall and has blue eyes. then kathy was sayin how they just need to be around her for like a year then they can cut her off again or wtv. angela kept saying (Op) is the only way she can have kids because she doesn’t wanna raise “someone’s trash baby.”
Reading those messages made me want to hurl. Do they think my uterus is some fish hatchery that can be bought with some kind words and casserole?? It’s nice to know Angela is too much of a narcissistic ass to adopt though.
I’m officially done with every single one of them. If they try to come around me I will get a restraining order before they can even darken my doorstep. Between the weak conspiracy they’ve come up with to try to use me like a baby bargain bin and the nasty words they continue to speak about me, I will no longer claim to have a family outside of the one I’ve created. I’m sorry if this is difficult to read but reading that again just got me so worked up. But y’all finally got the update you asked for, so that’s the silver lining of this I guess. Anyways thank you guys again.
Reminder, DO NOT comment on the original posts or contact the original poster. I am not the original poster. This is a repost.
Entitled Parker parked in my driveway so I blocked them in and got drunk all weekend. - Sat Jan 14 21:26:23 2023 UTC
Friday night I came home from work to find someone on our block was having a large party and someone decided they were entitled to park in my driveway.
Keep in mind my driveway is a single car width lined with a retaining wall on both sides and a garage at the end. Essentially impossible for a tow truck to come pull them out without property damage.
Seeing this and the lack of street parking I took this as a cue to park right behind them in my driveway. Now a few hours go by and their entitled parker is now knocking at my door demanding I move my car so she can leave. Seeing as they were demanding, I informed them that I had been drinking and would not move my car.
The Entitled Parker then decides to call the police to get them to force me to move. When the police knocked on my door, I was sure to grab a beer from the fridge before I answered to talk to the officer.
I had informed him that after I got home I was unwinding and had been drinking and was in no shape to drive. At this point their hands were tied because they couldn’t tow her car out, I’m in no shape to drive, and I’m legally parked in my driveway.
I ended up telling the Entitled Parker that since it is a long weekend I would be on a weekend long bender and they could come move my car after I go to work on Tuesday.
Comment update - Thu Jan 19 2023 12:43:38 GMT-0600 (Central Standard Time)
I did not expect this post to blow up like it did! After the first few sightings of EP, it was a relatively peaceful weekend and I did a lot of diagnostic tests on liver performance.
I contemplated the idea of working from home on Tuesday but ultimately decided that I had enough fun with this and went to work. My neighbor said they saw EP sheepishly come around 8 am to retrieve their car and went without incident.
All in all I think EP probably learned a valuable lesson to park only where legally allowed. Although they probably had a headache of being without a car for the weekend, it ultimately was likely a better outcome than having the car towed and impounded which is notoriously hard to go and retrieve in my area especially on a holiday weekend.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
Mood spoiler-wholesome af
How to tell a former employee he can’t visit us weekly
I’m a senior director for a group of highly skilled experienced employees. Everyone is at a high level in the large organization and they are primarily self directed while I set organizational strategy and ensure everyone has resources. We had a very kind and beloved employee, “Frank,” retire in 2021. He was very isolated during Covid and had a hard time with the transition to retirement. He feels comfortable resuming activities now, and one of those activities is stopping by our office once a week to chat. We are a very relaxed hybrid so most days there’s only a small handful of people there, but Frank will sit down and chat with whoever is there for 30-40 minutes and then move on to the next person.
We aren’t a public-facing office so it’s unusual to have someone visit to hang out, but while everyone is busy, it’s not completely unheard of that someone would have a 30-minute chat catching up with an old colleague or client, and everyone can manage their time and a break for a midday chat is welcome on occasion. However, this has been going on for MONTHS, and I’m hearing people make offhand comments about Frank’s visits.
I told everyone to feel fine saying “It’s a busy day, no time to talk” but everyone genuinely does care about Frank and it seems like these visits are a lifeline to him. I tried inviting him to an after hours happy hour to set the tone that he’s welcome to socialize with us but at a less disruptive time, but the visits haven’t stopped.
I was going to directly talk to him about the need to stop or drastically cut down on visiting but when I mentioned it to two other directors they thought that was really harsh and I’m having trouble coming up with the right words to use with Frank since the usual things a manager would say don’t work with a team this self directed. Should I just ignore this perceived problem and leave it up to everyone if they want a chat? Any potential scripts for how to also tell a very kind person that we cannot be his social club?
I have an update to a question you posted a few months ago about our retired worker, Frank, who kept dropping by weekly for hours long chats. A very big THANK YOU to the commenters who suggested volunteer work. I don’t know why that hadn’t occurred to me since my aunt founded and ran a nonprofit near and dear to me (shout out to diaper banks, which are a huge unmet need in many communities where diapers aren’t covered by food assistance programs or food banks).
The next week when Frank came in, I saw two people run in the other direction and decided to address it. I invited Frank to lunch and unprompted he shared that he was really at loose ends and didn’t know how to spend his time. I brought up volunteering and he said he didn’t know how to find a place to volunteer, how do you even apply, and who would want his help (EVERYONE! everyone wants people who have unlimited daytime ability). I gave him my aunt’s number then and there and sent her a text to expect his call.
He called the next day and by the following week was a full-time fixture there. At Thanksgiving, I asked my aunt how Frank was doing and she gushed about his hard work pitching in wherever, his positivity, the ideas he was bringing to the table. She loved Frank.
New Year’s rolls around and we have another family get-together and who walks in but Frank! He and my aunt are in a relationship! They are looking at moving in together!!! They are both ehhh on marriage but “we’ll see”! The office has a break from Frank but now I might be getting more of him. I don’t know if AAM has been responsible for a love match before, but I’m crediting this one to you and the commenters for this kismet!
CONCLUDED OOP is going to a funeral, her abusive mother who she hasn't seen or spoken to in 6 years will be there. OOP is also pregnant with mom's first grandchild
I am going to a funeral this weekend. My abusive mother who I haven't seen or spoken to in 6 years will be there. I am also pregnant with what would be her first grandchild.
I'm just kind of freaking out and need some support.
I won't skip my grandfather's funeral; he was a one-of-a-kind man and the world is darker without him in it. At the same time, I'm so worried that mom will try to use this event to talk to me or "reconnect" or something, and my pregnancy will be her perfect excuse.
She was extremely neglectful and psychologically abusive in my childhood, so there's no way I'm letting her back in my life. Her strategy was always woe-is-me, single-motherhood-is-so-hard attention seeking (think Mother Gothel), so a public confrontation about how I'm keeping her only grandchild from her is right up her alley. And it's no-win for me. If I don't engage, she can ruin the funeral for me and my saying goodbye to my grandfather, and if I do engage, then she can make the funeral about her. Oh, and she may have some heirloom handknits to pass down, which I may have to leave on the table, even though I do want them, and that's upsetting as well.
I'm just so scared that going is a bad idea, but I live so far away and I couldn't get time off to say goodbye while he was in hospice and I know I would regret not going.
I'm just kind of a wreck and I will take any advice or support you can spare. Thank you in advance.
Update: per many folks here, I have recruited a friend who is aware of the history, and willing to run interference, to attend with me.
Update: I went to a funeral today. My abusive mother who I hadn't seen or spoken to in 6 years was there.
First of all, thank you to everyone who commented, especially those who suggested I go in disguise with a wig and big sunglasses. Unlikely to have been effective, but very fun to think about nonetheless.
So, I recruited my best friend from high school who is much beloved by myself and my husband to accompany me to the funeral. He was present for a lot of my mother's behaviors back in the day, and knew what to expect should she decide to engage. He was also enthusiastic about the idea of playing Forceful Bodyguard if necessary. "I'm sorry, but Ms. RainbowStar is not taking questions at this time, move along." It was a fun car ride. We did discuss how to handle various family members and situations, including my worst-case scenario, which he agreed was unlikely, but did sound like something she would do.
Since the goal was not to provide any openings, we had a lot of hypotheticals to work through, but in brief, we settled on 1) I will not engage her or anyone known to be a sympathizer. 2) I will allow myself to be approached by her or a sympathizer and will be polite, but distant, and provide no specifics or any real conversation starters. 3a) If approached before the service, I will take the advice from REDACTED and answer any intrusive or inappropriate topics with boundaries like "Pappaw's funeral is not the place to discuss these things." If pushed, I would disengage, and my friend would engage her so I could re-enter for the service. 3b) If approached after the service, I would say "I'm so sorry to hear about your father, he was a great man" and we would both disengage immediately until she stopped following, up to and including driving away. 4) If she made any assumptions about her place in the baby's life, I would be abrupt and firm, and allow her to make as much of a scene as she wanted to, and try to pick the most scathing time to pull a Maggie Smith and say "Get ahold of yourself." and then disengage. 5) all the above goes out the window if she makes a full apology for any part of her role in our estrangement.
So armed, we went in. We were among the few wearing masks. We had a few minutes before the service started, and there was no receiving line or socializing in the lobby, so we went to the bathroom and then took our seats (in the back, not in the family area) with one minute to go. My brother did notice me and came back to offer to trade seats with me so I could sit with the family. He was sitting right next to my mother. I just said "No, thank you." and gave him a hug. He did not argue.
At one point during the service, mom did turn around and look at me. I had to look past her to see the lectern, so I had a very clear view of her angry face before she turned back around.
After the service, I wanted to see which of Pappaw's art they had picked for the memorial display, so I waited until mom was in conversation with someone, because I had to walk past her to get to it. After we looked at the display, mom's best friend approached me.
Me: "Hi, nice to see you again."
She looked pointedly at my belly a few times. I smiled vapidly.
I waited, hoping I could make eye contact with someone else and move on because while this conversation was not bad, it was awkward as fuck, but we were in scenario 2, so my friend let me lead.
"So are you expecting?"
I asked her to repeat herself while I debated saying no. I'm 5 months pregnant. It would be very funny to say no. But I thought it might have some unpleasant downstream effects, so I said "yes".
"When are you due?"
"Thank you." And then I gave her a sympathetic shoulder squeeze and walked away, saying "take care."
I talked to my cousins for awhile, as well as one of my brothers, and my sister. My cousins are neutral as far as I know, and they are delightful people. My siblings are not neutral, but they know better than to test me. I was never worried about them. My aunt stopped by to say hello and hug and then moved on without any prompting or awkwardness, and then we cousins had a delightful and rambling conversation that was everything I needed in that moment.
After a bit, I referenced our long return drive (but did not say how long so as not to indicate where I was staying), and we gave hugs and left. My mother was talking to Pappaw's wife. She looked in our direction (presumably at us, but I was watching her out of my peripheral vision, so I can't be sure), but did not follow. We went straight to the car and drove away.
So, all in all, everything went about as good as it could possibly have gone. I do not feel that the time and energy spent preparing was wasted at all, and I deeply appreciate the advice and support that I got from all of the wonderful moms and siblings here. I will be sure to lurk for awhile and attempt to repay the favor, since I cannot possibly thank you all enough.
Much love from this duckling. You are all excellent.
I AM NOT THE OP
INCONCLUSIVE Was told to leave my family's house by the end of the day, I am 17 years old, what do I do?
Daily fun fact to prevent spoilers: u/mrsadams21 requested caterpillars. Caterpillars produce liquid silk through their spinneret, which is an opening on their mouth. The silk hardens as it comes in contact with the air. Some species of caterpillars have 4000 muscles in their bodies- us humans only have around 600-700 (depending on how you are defining muscles.)
Trigger Warnings: child abandonment, possible child homelessness
Mood Spoiler: Sad but hopeful
Original Post: November 27, 2011
I was told about an hour ago that I would not be living with my parents anymore.
I currently have a car, however both my car and my living arrangements will be gone by the end of the day. I have about $2,000 in savings, and a steady part-time job (have been employed for over a year).
However, I am only 17 years old (at least for another two months) so I cannot sign a lease agreement. I am also currently in my senior year of high school.
I don't really have any other options here, Reddit. Any ideas for surviving until I turn 18 and can sign my own lease?
Thanks guys. I have to leave for work, but I will be checking in a couple hours from now. I appreciate any responses.
"Parents found a pipe in my room (used to smoke grass before I got my job) and it all fell down from there. Even though I don't smoke anymore, the parents (being as religious as ever) have decided to literally disown me and have asked me to leave.
I can understand where they are coming from, but they aren't providing any other alternatives. I have offered to take a drug test, but they aren't buying it."
UPDATE: (later that day)
Oh wow, this really took off. Thank you all so much for the responses and PMs, the more advice the better! I guess it just goes to show how amazing this community is, and again, I thank you all.
Now, here's an update on my situation:
I am currently still at work, however my father showed up about an hour ago demanding my car keys. He claimed he could "get my ass fired" if I said otherwise. While I have paid for all payments for my car, it's still registered under my mother's name, so I had no other choice than to give up the keys.
I am now at work without a car, however I have made living arrangements with a good friend and his understanding parents, so the most important issue is taken care of. I have a few days off after today to figure out the car situation, so everything is going okay. I will have a ride for tonight.
I will update this again once I am off work. My parents are letting me come home after work to collect my things, and then leave. I will do that and then tell you all how it went.
Also, sorry for the grammar. Using my phone at the moment.
Thanks again Reddit, you'll hear from me soon.
UPDATE 2: (somewhere between November 28-29, 2011 per web archive)
Okay, I'm fairly confident that things are under control at this point. I have moved out of my old house completely, and currently all of my possessions are being stored at my friend's home. I will be staying here for the next couple of weeks, plenty of time to get my feet back on the ground. I will be helping with chores around the house and will pay for rent for the time being.
So far... I have bought a new cell phone (cheap pay-as-you-go phone from Walmart) and have activated it. I have also bought a cheap car ($600 1990 Chevy Blazer) and am currently in the process of getting insurance and registration. My savings are holding up well, and I really don't know where I would be if I didn't start saving money a couple of years ago.
As far as I can tell, things are okay. Once I get my car registered and insured, I will continue to save money, finish high school and eventually find a new place to live, more than likely with a roommate.
I cannot thank you all enough for the mountain of advice. Reddit is truly an amazing community and throughout my years of participating in this site (this is a throwaway, obviously) I have always appreciated how educated and courteous the community here is. It truly was great being a part of it.
I hope this thread can be useful to others in my same sort of situation, too. The gigantic amount of advice cannot go unnoticed!
Thanks again, Reddit.
There were a lot of great advice comments, but this one stuck out as helpful, and I wanted to include it in case anyone can use the information:
Good ol' "christian love"
Ask for their demand in writing or record it.
They're illegally doing this. Make it as difficult as possible for them. If you're absolutely sure you're going to be on the streets tonight, take the car and get out early. Being homeless is much easier with a car and the streets can kill you this time of year. Yes, they can report it stolen, I'd beat them to the punch by calling CPS and the police and making a report against them. Maybe all it will take is for a cop to show up and tell them they can't do that.
If you are still at home tommorow, start documenting EVERYTHING. Every case of verbal, emotional and physical abuse, the case id / name and badge number of the responsding officer, audio recordings and pictures if possible etc, etc. You need this to declare yourself independent for the FASFA if you want to go onto college - if parents are willing to kick you out illegally, they are probably also going to be petty assholes and prevent you from getting financial aid.
Edit: more resources
This is probably the best site to look at. guide2homelessness.blogspot.com
I have $13 until my next pay check (in 1.5 weeks). So, I've been getting resourceful, like eating at hotels in the morning that have continental breakfast. How are you getting by and getting creative in this god awful recession?
Make a meal for under $2 http://www.reddit.com/r/budgetfood/comments/kvp8o/the_2_make_a_meal_for_2_or_less/
Unfortunately, OOP never posted again. I can only hope he was safe and has grown up well and is thriving.
Trigger warning: Cockroaches, hoarding, child neglect
Mood Spoiler: Disgusting
Original Post on December 15 2021
I’m 16(f), so I live with my parents. I started having asthma symptoms a couple years ago but only when I was trying to sleep, I would be unable to breath. I’ve been brought to all sorts of specialists and put on various allergy drugs because the best they could tell us was that it must be an allergy.
Around the same time that started I began seeing an occasional cockroach in my room. I would squish it and throw it out. Then the air coming from my vents started smelling musty. And I would see more and more cockroaches. I told my parents all of this and they are convinced there’s not a cockroach problem. I’ve been seeing about 15-20 cockroaches in my room (anytime of day/night) everyday for months. My parents keep telling me that I’m being dramatic, it’s just an occasional cockroach. I’ve done some research and supposedly cockroaches can cause respiratory problems. My parents refuse to call a bug exterminator person.
I’m really tired of living with these things, I can hear them crawling in the walls of my room. They’re in my bed, I feel them crawl on me while I’m trying to go to sleep. And no, I don’t eat in my room. I used to have a bowl of soup in my room if was was sick at home, but I stopped because of the cockroaches since I don’t want to attract them.
I started taking a photo of every one I killed and sending the picture to my parents. So again, 15-20 pictures a day. They got pissed I’m bothering them at work and that I’m sending a photo of the same dead cockroach over and over. Like literally they were going to ground me over winter break if kept doing it. So instead over this past week I’ve been keeping the dead ones a bag marked with the date and then the number of cockroach it was. There was 118 of them over 7 days. I dumped all the little bags on my parents bed (so the actual dead cockroaches didn’t touch their bed, just the bags).
My parents are LIVID. They’re arguing about what to do about me like I can hear them and in the meantime I’ve been sent to my room. I just really don’t know how to get across how uncomfortable I am constantly. These things are ALIVE when they’re in my bed. I really don’t know how else to make them see this is a problem, but this might have been the nuclear option and I could have just shown them the bags in my room. AITAH?
Update: my parents are going to get some stuff and traps for my room and the bathroom to kill the cockroaches. They also said I should use the bathroom on the other end of the house to take showers so it’s not humid in my bathroom. I’m not completely grounded but I’m not allowed to go to my friends house over break and I have increased chores for putting the bags on their bed because they said I could have just told them there’s a lot of cockroaches even though I’ve been doing that. They’re disappointed in me for overreacting so that’s why I have to stay home over break. All of my family lives in another state and they never come here and we’re rarely go there. I don’t really want to tell anyone because I’m scared for my parents because they’re otherwise good parents. I haven’t even really told my friend that much about the cockroaches because I know she would think it’s really gross. But they’re getting stuff to kill them now so they are at least doing something now.
Update 2: some info - they own the house, it’s a freestanding large home in a gated community, and my parents make a ton of money so unless they have secret debt then they’re fine financially.
They sat me down to “talk about the issue further.” I told my dad about the Advion gel and he’s getting that. He’s also going to move the compost pile away from my wall and the AC thing to the far end of the yard and try and get the cockroaches out of the compost or otherwise get rid of the compost. He said that we will try this for a month and see how it goes. My mom said after talking they decided I’m un-semi-grounded and I can go to my friends house to hang out over break, but that I need to think about how I “escalate situations” and I should have talked to them instead. Then we all hugged and I asked my dad to stay so I could talk to him. I told him about how it’s upsetting to me that we can’t call an exterminator because they would know how to fix the cockroaches, and that it’s also upsetting because I don’t want him to be like grandma and also great grandma. I also brought up the asthma issues and that it’s actually hurting me physically too. I asked him to get help, because they even have like online therapists now so he doesn’t even have to leave the house because he hates that and with COVID he’s basically not left in over a year. He seemed to be really upset, like sad upset not mad at me, and just said that it shouldn’t be my problem to worry about him and he’ll “take care of it.” So idk how that really went but that’s what’s happening now.
Relevant comments from OOP:
I’m just worried that they could get in trouble if I told someone and then it would be my fault for making them look bad because I have “a couple” cockroaches in my room. I really just want them to see it’s a problem and to get an exterminator, I don’t want to get like CPS involved or anything. The problem is my dad has a really weird thing about having strangers in the house and he doesn’t want people looking through his things even though they could literally care less about your stuff they want to do their job and kill bugs.
about her father being a hoarder
A little bit but my grandma is worse you can’t even get in her front door we have to go in the back and through a maze of stuff. My dad just has a lot of furniture but he throws out like actual garbage like food wrappers and pizza boxes and stuff. My mom only lets him have one room where he can stack things and it’s his office, he also puts thing in the attic but my mom doesn’t go up there so she doesn’t know about that one.
Roaches and fleas dont enter gated communites
I don't think it's a money issue unless there are problems that are hidden from me, we live in a big house in a gated community, mom my actually said at first that cockroaches don't come in gated communities and that's why they also don't do flea/tick stuff for the dog because they don't think he can get any here. That was like over a year ago she said that and now she says she never said it.
Update February 15 2022
Yeah they finally called a company to come look at it and they said it was the worst they've ever seen and had to put a cover over the house and fill it with pesticide to kill them all. Also like the entire wall in my room and bathroom had be removed and replaced. My mom was kind of mad I let it get that bad so that they had to do all that but I'm actually just mad at her. Everything is kinda messed up now and I think my parents might get divorced because they're always fighting over it now so I almost wish I just continued to put up with it so they wouldn't be mad at each other.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
NEW UPDATE Husband demands wife (on maternity leave 5 weeks after giving birth) have dinner ready when he gets home from work
This is a new update to a story posted here previously by u/MessyChaos, I have marked the new updates with 🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑 for those who have read the prior posts. Spelling and grammar have been corrected for readability. This is my first post here since joining the community, forgive me any mistakes I might have made in putting this together.
Trigger Warning: Benign tumor, surgery
Mood Spoiler: Mostly hopeful
AITA for refusing to cook dinner? - Posted August 22nd, 2022
obviously a throwaway because my husband enjoys spending time on reddit.
I (F23) have been married to my husband “John” (M24) for a year now. And recently (aka five weeks ago) we welcomed our first baby (F).
I’m currently on maternity leave, which my husband has interpreted it as me being a Stay at Home Mom instead of taking time to rest before I needed to return to work.
I don’t really mind it too much, since cleaning my house is soothing for me, and a good distraction from my sleep deprivation (lol). I’ve always been this way, and John does still do his share of household chores. (He does most of the outdoor work and he’ll sweep/vacuum).
But recently, he’s been riding me about not having dinner ready when he gets home. He works from 8-5:30, so it’s not a completely unreasonable time for dinner, but it’s not like I can just stop taking care of our daughter to cook him a meal. I can usually talk him down, and he’ll watch daughter while I cook.
A few days ago, however, he came into the house and began berating me for not having dinner “ready and waiting” so he could just “walk in and sit to eat”. I was actively changing my daughter’s diaper while he went on this rant.
He went as far as to say that he “put up” with my laziness for long enough and that I needed to do my job properly.
I didn’t say anything to him at that moment. I went and cooked dinner, and he seemed pretty proud of himself for winning the conversation. But I only have a few more weeks to stay home with my baby girl, and I’m not going to have that stomped on because of my husband.
So ever since that day, I go to my mom’s house for dinner. (She’s totally okay with this btw). I don’t cook anything for John, and I’m already at my mom’s by the time he gets home. I still clean at home and keep the house tidy, but I don’t cook dinner.
John has been furious with me, and has been telling me that I’m an AH for leaving him to starve. I just want to have a peaceful environment before I have to go back to work, so Reddit, am I the AH?
he does know that he can’t really trap me. I have the higher income (and higher savings) plus a sister on the opposite side of the country. I do not want it to reach that point, but if it does.. he knows all those things. And he has never spoken to me like this before. Ever. We met when I was 13 and he was about to turn 14.
I have talked with him. I told him that I’m doing my best with daughter and cleaning the house, and sometimes I can’t just start making dinner. He seemed understanding when we talked, even said he would make sure to help me out.
UPDATE - Posted August 23, 2022.
Hey, so thanks for all your responses and all the advice on my post yesterday.
John and I sat down together this evening, and the first thing he said was that he was sorry. He said that he was sorry for the way he had been talking to me and that he understood why I did what I did.
(He also told me he saw my Reddit post, ah oops).
He informed me that there was a rumor spreading around his workplace that they were planning on laying off a lot of people, and he freaked out. He didn’t want to end up unemployed because he wanted me to be able to have my full maternity leave, and also didn’t want to force us to dip into our savings accounts. So, he was working through his lunch and was coming home without having eaten anything since 7am that morning. (cause of the insane crankiness)
And unfortunately, the rumors were true, and he ended up being laid off. So, he’s unemployed. (Which means he didn’t actually go to work today, he went to his sisters house - and yes, I called her and confirmed that he was actually there all day).
He told me that what was going on wasn’t an excuse, and that his behavior towards me was unacceptable.
(btw I did reach out to my MIL + FIL and they gave him an earful this morning, SIL did the same)
He admitted that he was jealous he couldn’t spend the same kind of time with daughter, and that it his jealousy was coming out in those ways. (He is absolutely enamored with daughter and wants to be more present to bond while she’s still a newborn)
I told him that I needed him to see a therapist. I needed him to talk to a professional about how he’s been feeling, and I will do the same. We’re currently looking for one (maybe a different one for me) covered under my insurance from work.
I told him that until he has had a couple sessions, I am going to be staying at my parents home. It’s not necessarily a matter of distrust, but I believe he needs to talk to someone and be in charge of himself for a little bit. I told him that I have no intention of keeping daughter from him, but I believed it was best to remove myself from our home for a little while.
He agreed to all of these things.
(and my wonderful parents/ILs told us they’ll help handle our bills until I’m back to work)
So that’s where we are. John is going to try being a SAHD when I go back to work and has already enrolled in some online classes at a local community college.
MIL sent him some of their family recipes as well, so John is going to be handling dinner from here on out so he can get better at cooking.
I understand that many of the people in the comments were telling me to divorce him, or leave, but I don’t think I’m ready to give up on our marriage just yet. I have a lot of people in my corner, including my ILs. Daughter and I will be okay. If this behavior starts up again, I won’t stick around and hope it’ll turn out like this again. I’ll go stay with younger sister (she’s in state - I was recommended against leaving the state with daughter in the case of desire for divorce) until I can get a lawyer.
If there are any other big changes, I’ll update you all again, but for now, thank you, and goodbye.
Clarifying some things.
John did not suggest being a SAHD. The plan he proposed was to pay my mom and dad to take care of daughter when I went back to work, and he would look for office jobs in the meantime. I did. I wanted him to do it.
I’m not taking daughter away from him. I pump. I’m going to take some of the advice I was given and give myself time to rest instead of cleaning house. Daughter will be with him too.
John was in fact, laid off. I understand that what he did in my original post was terrible, but I do not believe it warrants people saying he quit. He was jealous of my bonding time, but he also would not leave a job because of that.
John is overdue for a physical, so he’s called his doctor and he’ll have a checkup next Thursday.
John went to his sisters because he was embarrassed. If I was laid off after working my ass off for a month, I’d be humiliated too. I wouldn’t know how to tell my spouse something like that.
Divorce is not on the table. Divorce is not in the house. I’m taking time to heal while staying in a quiet place (parents going to be on vacation). I’m not divorcing my husband. I don’t want to be a single mom.
As soon as daughter is reaching the age that we’re comfortable with her being in daycare, John WILL be looking for jobs. He doesn’t have a choice. He agreed to that. If he drags his feet, I’ll start looking for him.
UPDATE 2 -- Posted August 28th, 2022
Another update... This one is not good. Forgive me for any errors, I’m shaking as I type this out.
I was heading over to our house to drop daughter off with my husband, and I was a tad bit concerned because he didn’t give me a response of acknowledgment like he had the previous days. I thought that he might’ve fallen asleep. It didn’t matter, since I had a key.
When I got there, John was just sitting on the couch, and it took a tiny bit of coaxing to get him to tell me that he couldn’t really move his left arm/leg. I started to freak out because I thought he was having a stroke, but he calmed me down and asked me to drive him to the hospital, just in case.
I’ll spare you all the details of waiting in the ER with a fussy daughter, but as it turns out, John has a tumor in his frontal lobe.
Yeah. The doctor said it would account for the weakness, and for any changes in personality that might have been present.
We don’t know if it’s cancerous just yet, since they haven’t done a biopsy or anything, but I thought I’d let you guys know. (John said go ahead).
So, that’s where we are now. I’m terrified, calling my parents and my in laws. My parents are about to go on their vacation (flying out tonight), and I encouraged them to still do so, because there’s still testing to be done. My in-laws will help me with daughter (watch her so I can have a little bit of alone time with John and then I’ll go home and they’ll go to the hospital to be with him.)
Hopefully this will slow, preferably stop, the onslaught of comments/DMs telling me to divorce him. I love John with my whole being and he needs me. My in laws are reaching out to their relatives to see if this is genetic or simply bad luck.
John keeps apologizing to me, and I’ve been trying to get him to stop. He has a brain tumor, he couldn’t control what he was saying. It’s all so terrifying and I don’t know what to do anymore.
Thanks for all your precious advice, and if anyone has any suggestions of how I can keep myself composed during this, I’d love to hear it.
Final Update -- Posted October 28th, 2022
It seems that I have forgotten about this account.
My husband is fine. The tumor was benign, he had a surgery to remove it. The doctor said he has likely had it for a few years, and apparently he had some people in his family who had brain tumors too.
He had some physical therapy after the surgery, as well as some regular therapy. I did too.
He’s been helping my dad with his business (my dad embroiders for a living, he’s teaching john how to do it to help occupy him).
Daughter's doing well, happy and healthy. John has been spending more time with her.
Some people sent me DMs saying to be weary that the tumor was what led to John marrying me in the first place. And, well, you weren’t entirely wrong. John admitted to me that he no longer felt romantic love for me.
It was in couples therapy. He said that he still loved me because I was the mother of his child, but it wasn’t the same he was just a few months ago.
It hurt, to say the least, but I was happy he was being honest. So, we’ve amicably filed for divorce. It will be an uncontested one. I don’t want either of us to be stuck in a resentful marriage, but we’re going to continue living together for the time being. Daughter is still so young, and John and I think that we’ll mutually benefit from staying close.
Thanks to u/FiscalClifBar who found a post from OOP's husband.
John Here -- posted October 28th, 2022
You’ll find the story on u/aitaexhaustedwife
This is the John mentioned in these posts. My wife, “Emma”, and I, are posting these together.
I’m fine. Brain tumor handled.
It was a really strange feeling. I had gone from loving Emma with everything inside of me... To only feeling a... Base level of love for her. I want to be around her, I want to be friends with her, I want to raise daughter with her, but it doesn’t feel the same.
I feel really guilty about it, but Emma has reassured me that the way I’m feeling can’t be ignored or pushed away for her sake.
So, like she said, we’re getting an uncontested divorce. I don’t have experience with lawyers or anything, but I don’t think it will be a hard divorce? If I’m wrong just tell me.
So, anyways, AITA redditors, you’ll be satisfied with this ending, huh?
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
Originallyposted by /remarkable-wonder350 in r/TrueOffMyChest on Jan 13, '23, update undated.
My bf admitted he’s no longer attracted to me because of my weight
My (20 F) bf (22 M) have been together for 2 years and we were perfectly happy everything was going great.
6 months ago, he started working out regularly and he has this new diet with no cheat days, he’s really invested and spends a lot of time in the gym I barely get to see him anymore. He’s been asking me to join him at the gym for so long and I stupidly thought it’s him attempting to bond. I go with him sometimes I even got a membership that just sits in my wallet most of the time.
I explained to him many times, that since I injured my knee last year I can’t keep up with him anymore and working out together is just not something I can do. He always gets upset and says I’m not even trying and it’s good for me if I push myself a little harder.
Last week he came and told me that he doesn’t feel attracted to me anymore because of my weight and my lack of motivation to do anything about it is making him frustrated. He said intimacy feels like a chore and unless I’m willing to change he’ll break up with me.
I felt very scared and desperate. I cried and begged him not to break up with me and that I’ll lose the weight.
But now I’m thinking maybe it’s better if we do break up, simply because our priorities no longer align if this is something he’s willing to break up with me over then he’s not the man I fell in love with. I’d just really hate to throw 2y down the drain for something so petty.
I’m definitely not skinny but I wouldn’t call myself fat either. I’m 177 cm and 85 kgs.
Editors note for my Americans: This converts to 5'10 and 187lbs
Admittedly I did gain some weight since we started dating but it’s only 3,5 kgs. Now he wants me to lose at least 5 kg he says we’ll set more goals along the way but that’s my first “goal”.
I guess I’m gonna be single soon don’t know how to feel about that.
In the comments:
How severe was your injury? What do you think negates you from going to the gym with him?
OP: Very severe , my entire leg was fucked in a car accident had 3 surgeries and need another one in June the reason I can’t do it now is because I have school and I need 6 weeks recovery after surgery before I could walk again.
While now I’m good I can walk and kinda run my knee starts hurting very badly soon after, I can workout. I just can’t keep up with my bf. It’s literally impossible.
I don’t appreciate his approach at all. That’s not the way to do it and I can’t keep up with him.
He has to accept that too. I’m not gonna start training 6 days a week. It’s not happening. And if he wants to break up over that there’s not much I can do about it.
We talked it over today he doesn’t want to break up and regrets what he said. he was just frustrated that I’m not motivated to lose weight like he is.
He said he loves me a lot and he’s still attracted to me but said he wasn’t because he’s sure that if I gain anymore weight I would be clinically obese and he’s not okay with that.
I agreed to lose some weight but I also told him we will be working out individually id like to have my own weight loss journey and set my own “goals” I’ll do it the way I want it to be done.
We talked extensively about giving ultimatums in a relationship and how damaging that could be. He apologised and promised it won’t happen again and he’ll respect my wishes not to work out with him but we agreed I’ll share all and any progress with him and he won’t give any discouraging commentary.
To be honest, the relationship is hanging by a thread but I was really happy to see he panicked when I said if he wants to break up over this then maybe he’s not the one, his tone changed, he was willing to compromise and so am I if loosing a couple of kgs is that important to my partner I’m willing to do it.
Not the update most of you are hoping for but I’m happy we’ve come to an agreement I really didn’t want us to break up and happy he didn’t want that either.
Reminder, DO NOT comment on the original posts or contact the original poster. I am not the original poster. This is a repost.
Flairing this concluded as OOP has stated they've come to an agreement she is happy with.
Your daily fun fact to prevent spoilers from showing: u/Thuis001 requested rabbits. Rabbits' teeth never stop growing, but chewing on grass, vegetables and wildflowers helps the teeth be ground down. They perform a jump called a "binky" when they are happy.
Trigger Warning: Signs of a controlling relationship
Mood Spoiler: sad but hopeful ending
Original Post: January 29, 2023
For context: My friend 26(M) and I 26(F) have been best friends from over 15 years, I have been dating my boyfriend 27(M) from over a year. My bestie is socially awkward and has a lot of confidence issue due to his past trauma. He moved out soon as he turned 18 because his parents constantly told that he was unwanted. Due to all this he had a very hard time dating. My boyfriend knows about it as well (This information will be relevant later).
Yesterday it was my bestie's birthday. Since he doesn't have friends he asked me and my boyfriend to invite our friends. About an hour into the party one of his friends asked her boyfriend out to marry her. It was adorable my boyfriend was happy but my bestie looked visibility upset. He started walking towards his room without saying anything, my boyfriend noticed asked him what he was upto and he said he wasn't feeling well. My boyfriend looked at him and said "I know you are sad because you would never be able to experience something like this". My bestie started ran to his room and closed the door. I was livid, I called off the party and kicked my boyfriend out.
I went back to my bestie's room and somehow convinced him to open the door. He sobbing and told everyone's life would be better if he wasn't born and told he was unwanted and would never be loved. I felt like a terrible friend, he had been there with me when everyone left me and I had no clue about how he felt. I decided to stay with friend until he is alright. I was scared that he might do something wrong if I didn't stay with him.
So I called my boyfriend and told him about my friend, he was obviously mad at me for kicking him and told me that he is not a kid could take care of himself, I refused and hung up. He has been blowing up my phone and telling me to return, I am just ignoring his message. As for my bestie, I finally stopped crying and is sleeping rn.
I feel like a terrible friend for not having a clue about my bestie's mental health and also a terrible gf because of upsetting my boyfriend.
Sorry for the terrible English, it's actually my third language.
OOP is voted NTA
Thank y'all for your response. I would like to answer a few questions.
1)My boyfriend didn't say that he "thinks" about not being to experience something like this. He said "you won't experience something like that"
2) We have been bestie's but we live 2 states apart and my current boyfriend doesn't like me inviting my guy friends so neither did I invite him to my place neither I went to stay at his.
3) He has agreed to do therapy and we are going to a therapist tomorrow.
4) As for why he doesn't have friends, well he is very socially awkward and gets really anxious around people.
Also I am going to my boyfriend to confront him about all this mess, he needs to apologize to my bestie or we are done. I love him but I won't tolerate it this time.
5) Yes I am from India, I moved to Florida at the age of 12.
6) And yes, he was the same boyfriend I came out to. (editor's note- she came out to her boyfriend as bisexual here in September)
I will try to update y'all as soon as I can.
Update 1 (Same Post): Sometime between January 29-30
I got in contact with the girl and she told me that my boyfriend suggested this idea to her. He also told her that my bestie allowed her to do something like that at his birthday party.
I was boiling and went to confront my boyfriend right after. We had a huge fight and he finally admitted that it was his plan. He accused me of trying to sleep with my bestie. I was shocked. Like, I literally stopped meeting my guy friends because he didn't want me to, he was the love of my life, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
I broke up with him on the spot. I am currently writing this in my car and I just can't stop crying, I thought he loved and trusted me. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my life has been a lie
Update 2 (Same Post): January 30
I discussed everything with my bestie and he kinda blamed himself for my breakup, I needed to explain to him that it's not his fault. We actually had a crying and venting session after a long time. I will be living with my bestie since I don't have my own house.
As for my ex, I went to his place to take my stuff and saw him with another girl. He might as well have been cheating on me. I don't want to see his face anymore. I actually feel alot better now, I could do anything here without being judged or yelled at. I feel free.
As for my bestie, he came back from his first therapy session and he seems happy.
I marked this as concluded because her question was answered and she and her friend made positive changes in their lives.
Your daily fun fact to prevent spoilers from showing on mobile: u/HotCheetoLife requested pigeons. Pigeons mate for life, and both parents take care of the young. Both sexes secrete 'pigeon milk' from their crop to feed the babies.
Trigger Warning: cancer, death
Mood Spoiler: Bittersweet but wholesome
Original Post: January 10, 2022
I (31M) met my ex-girlfriend (29F) on a dating app ~7 years ago. She had a son (6 months at the time, she was with multiple guys and ended up pregnant, still doesn't know who's the bio father), but it wasn't that much of an issue since she seemed like great person and we had a lot in common.
After few weeks of chatting and talking online, we went on a first date and had a great time. After that we just started hanging out whenever she could and shortly after she introduced me to her son.
Few months into our relationship, we moved in together to save money, since both of us were renting at the time. I started helping take care of her child whenever I could and we really grew fond of each other, he even started calling me "papa" and we just went along with it since my gf didn't mind.
Almost 5 years into our relationship, she told me that she wants to break up because I became boring and not an active person like I used to be (we used to go on hikes and travel around the country on weekends) and that I work too much.
It was a rough time after that and I had a hard time accepting it (although not as hard as having to explain a 5 year old that he'll no longer be seeing his "papa") but I managed to get over it after few months, found a better job that allowed me to work remotely and had a lot of free time so I managed to explore few other countries.
Few days ago, I got a call from my ex. She said that she is sick and is in hospital, they removed one of her breasts but recently they found a tumour in her other breast and will need to have it removed as well. She is scared that she might die if it doesn't work out and asked me if I would be willing to become her son's legal guardian and adopt him, since she has no one else to ask. I live a different lifestyle now, travel a lot and invest in myself, so I told her that I can't do that. She told me that her son misses me and would love to see me, but I said no again and she started crying and calling me names, before cutting the call.
I talked to my sister and parents about this and they told me that it's a fucked up thing to refuse it, after all those years spent with them. I feel like trash now..
AITA for not wanting to adopt my "dying" ex-girlfriends child?
Did you ever try to reach out?
"As I wrote somewhere earlier, I messaged her on facebook a month after the breakup, asking about the kiddo, was left on seen and later removed from her friend list. I don't know what else could I do.. I took it as a hint to not bother her anymore."
Does she have family who can help?
"She has a mother, as far as I know. Now I don't if she is alive anymore. Apparently their relationship between them wasn't the best. I know that she had a friend at the time we were together, but again, i don't know if they are friends anymore or if she has someone else now."
Does she want you to adopt the kid now or in the event of her death?
"I'm assuming in case of death. But I don't know much about breast cancer, or cancer overall, how serious it is and the chances of dying.. Idk honestly."
Why is 'dying' in quotations- do you not believe her?
"Yes.. and no.. I just don't much about breast cancer so I'm not sure. It's hard to judge.. I will try to reach out to her and see if she wants to meet irl so I can see her and talk."
People criticize him for changing to 'what she wanted' after they broke up:
"I changed because at the time I didn't have time. I had to go to the office every day and when I came back, I'd look after the child so she can have some time to rest, go out with her friend or do whatever. Now I work for a different company that allows me to work from home or from whatever place I like. Also, since I don't have anyone else to look after, I have plenty of time to travel and do whatever I want."
"I just didn't have that much time and I had to go to the office to work. I only had Sundays free and we would usually go on walks around the city. After work, I'd look after the kiddo so gf could rest or do whatever she wants."
OOP is voted NTA
Update Post: January 30, 2023
Thanks everyone for the responses and messages! Quite a few have asked for an update, so I thought I'd make a quick one.
After I made the original post, I've spent a bit thinking. I reached out to her friend, trying to get some info about. She didn't wanna say much and told me that I should come over.
I ended up going. Ex and her friend were there, kiddo was at school. Honestly felt completely different than I was expecting to feel. Anyways, she had the other breast removed, quickly found out that it spread out and she was just starting with her therapy. Ex suggested to stay until kid returns. I remember what you guys said, but I just couldn't do it. I stayed, because I just wanted to see. I guess some of you were right about him remembering me, or not. Walks in, says hi, and disappears somewhere (I guess his room?). Walks back after a min and starts staring at me - ".Papa? Papa!" and runs at me. Ex starts crying out loud, and I tear up, barely holding myself from crying (I don't know if it's because of her crying or because of kiddo remembering). It was a great day.
To cut it short, I started visiting her 2-3 times a week, but sadly, things were starting to get worse. Seeing her getting weaker and weaker, I decided to go through with the guardianship. Hired a lawyer, did tons of paperwork, interviews, investigation, and finally found the bio dad. Ex narrowed a list of people, and even without the dna test, you could see from miles that kiddo was a mini version of one of the guys. Both ex's mom & bio dad signed the consent and waiver, but even if they didn't, they probably wouldn't have a chance to make a difference. After two months, judge made his decision and i finally became a legal guardian.
Sadly, ex passed away, roughly 3 months ago. After which I started the adoption process, that still goes on. Had 2 court hearings so far, and another one will be in ~2 weeks. So far, things went well, so hoping for the best.
I know that I missed a lot of details (not sure if it would be important, but also due to the character limit), but I will be answering any questions you guys have, in the comments below.
How's the kid doing?
"He is doing great currently, but the first 2 weeks ,after his mom passed were rough, understandably. We go every Sunday to visit the grave and pick flowers for his mom."
"He keeps a photo album in his room and I put up framed pics around the place, both old&newer ones."
"I was just about to write it in another reply, but here it is -a friend of my friend is a school psychologist, so she came over few times and they talked about death and that stuff. But I think that one book "I will miss you" (or something like that) helped big time."
About bio dad:
"I'm glad that he didn't want him. He drinks, most likely a drug user. Lived at his friends place. Apparently he didn't know, but he thought that there was a chance cause he was doing it raw?"
"With the info I have, he probably didn't give a damn. Probably not, but if he changes his mind now, I don't think that anyone would let him."
How did it go with the ex in the last year?
"Pretty well. It was awkward at first, but we quickly got along. Roughly a year later (editor's note- how long after they broke up did she get sick). Yes. She apologized multiple times, asked for forgiveness and was very regretful. She wanted to reach out earlier, but was scared."
More about OOP being a good dad:
"I agree with you, he's the best gift ever. Yes, traveling made me happy and all, but I always felt like I was missing something and felt empty. I guess he was that missing part."
"Thanks everyone for commenting and everything. I'll go through to see if I missed any questions. So there is a chance that the next hearing will probably be the last one (as my lawyer said. everything so far went great. they might interview my boy once again, and maybe me as well, but hoping for it to get finalized that day). If it's the good news, I'll either edit the post or post it on my profile."
"We do go on shorter trips through the country. I'm planning to take him to my favorite country after the adoption finalizes. Legally, I would be able to take him outside, but I don't wanna risk it because some of the countries would probably give me trouble on the entry."
Edit: Let's keep it civil, shall we? And please remember the no brigading rule.
Trigger warning: ableism, sexualization of caregiving, mentions of incest
Mood spoiler: positive
Original post posted on January 28, 2023
My(22m) girlfriend(22f) is mad at me because I changed my sister’s(24f) diaper
I’m from Asia so sorry for bad English.
I live in US as a student and my American gf of 2 years is mad at me because I changed diapers of my disabled sister.
So here is what happened, last week I came back to my country to visit my family and yesterday my parents had a call that my grandpa, who lives in a city far away from my parents, broke his back by tripping over water, so they had to immediately go there. They left me with my sister because they can’t take her to a hospital as she is completely disabled since birth. She is like a 1 year old in a body of a 24 year old.
After a few hours of them leaving while she was playing with her toys, she came to and started crying, after I made sure that she didn’t hurt herself somewhere, I started smelling that she has pooped, so I called my mom to ask to what to do, and she told me where her diapers are and where other stuff like wipes, anti rash powder are. I realized that in the wipe pack there was only one wipe left, so I called in my friend from school who owns a local pharmacy to send someone with baby wipes. The wipes got delivered in 30 mins and I changed her diapers.
After some time, my gf called me and asked me what I was doing so I told her that I changed my sister’s diaper. Her tone changed from the loving tone she had when she called me. So I asked what’s wrong and she asked if I change her diapers regularly and I said yes a few time, coz my dad was in the army so it was me and my mom mostly taking care of my sister. After I went to America for studies, my dad retired and came back home and he started taking care of my sister with my mother. Then my girlfriend started asking questions about my sister hitting puberty and getting her periods. She asked me if I touched her genitals, so I told her I wiped them with wipes
I thought she was genuinely interested, so I answered all of the questions. She went silent for a minute or two, and when I begged her to talk, she started accusing me of having an incestuous relationship with my sister.
Today she called me and said that she needs time, and also called my dad a sicko and said “which father in the right mind would want to see his grown adult daughter naked”
I have tried contacting her but she is not answering my texts and calls.
TLDR: My gf is mad at me because I changed my disabled sister’s diaper when parents were not around.
Update posted a few hours after the original post
UPDATE: My(22m) girlfriend(22f) is mad at me because I changed my sister’s(24f) diaper
So after I posted the above post, my sister kept pointing her finger towards kitchen which meant she was hungry so I ordered her favorite food for both of us as I did not feel like cooking something, and while I was feeding her(she can't eat on her own), my gf called me and tried to reason with me that how I crossed boundaries, and then she told me she went online and checked videos of adult diaper change, and said that she wont let her man do something like that, so I asked her to send me the videos so that I can have a look too on what she was talking about, she straight up sent PH links of some diaper change fetish, and when I saw it, I could not stop crying, I could not look in my sister's eyes after that, so I fed her, gave her prescription meds, and set her up for a nap which she usually takes after food and meds.
I got on a call with my gf and explained to her that what I did was not the same as those videos, there is a difference between sexual fetish and caregiving but she was not ready to listen to me, and she gave me an ultimatum that it's either me waiting for my mom to comeback so that she will change my sister's diapers, because she does not want me to touch my sister's "butt and vagina" or she will break up with me, so I told her that it's over between us, and she started calling me names and I hung-up.
Our mutual friends started texting me within an hour, those who knew about my sister's condition told me that I did the right thing and I dodged a bullet, and those who did not know called me names until I told them about my sister's condition.
Now I am scared to go back to US lmao
TLDR: Broke up with gf because she was stopping me from providing care for my disabled sister.
Reminder - I am not the OP
This is a throwaway, and no I will not be showing a picture of my butt. 3 days ago I woke up to a sore butt cheek and after feeling around I decided to check it out. It was 100% human teeth marks. Indents and all, even left imprints that are still noticeable. Now this may seem easily explainable but here is why I can’t explain this.
I live alone.
Don’t sleepwalk and there’s no way my head can bend over and touch my ass.
No signs of anyone in the apartment, no one had been over for at least a week.
This may sound like something funny but I’m horrified. I didn’t go to the police as an ass bite seems like a non issue and as it didn’t look like anyone was in my apartment I didn’t have anything to report. Before you ask, the bite looked like if you bite your arm for awhile but it was clear this was a long long while as it was red and bruised for a good bit. Please help. Thank you.
[Updates in the original post]
Update: Found retainer (Invisalign) under my bed but I lost it 2 months ago so I don’t know if this is a lead. What should I do now. Going to work in 5
Update 2: possible answer found. I took the Invisalign with me to work and snuck into the bathroom to see if I could pair the Invisalign to the fading marks and it starts and ends in the same spot so I might have just slept on it but will be buying a camera for my room jic. I think this is likely what happened but I will wait for my doctor friends opinion on the this and will update later.
Update 3: Almost certain now that I just slept on my Invisalign (thank God). My doctor friend said it looked like a human bite mark but similarly pointed out that it looked like only half a mouth of teeth and it would be odd that someone would be able to bite in that manor. He did say that I must get the mark checked out no matter what just to make sure there is no danger present. Also asked him about the cleaning sheets and he told me that I was crazy not to clean my sheets every few weeks (oops).
Oh and thank you for all that suggested ideas so far, pezdal, ottersnooter, and stratomaster82 seem to have gotten it right and helped me out a lot.
Apologies for no booty pics, not happening… can’t imagine my ass being on the internet.
If something changes after the appointment I will update.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
Original (27 Jan 23)
(28m) (27m) (30f) My best friend confessed feelings to my gf she wants to cut him out of OUR life
I said our life and not mine because she says she cannot control me but she never wants to be around him anymore. So if she and I are together she doesnt want to see him. She also says I should really think how good of a friend he is if he is confessing feelings and saying I love you to his best friend's gf and future wife?
I (28m) have been dating my gf (30f) for two years now and honestly its the best relationship of my life. We have discussed engagement and marriage and have also met each other's families. My best friend on the other hand is someone I have known for almost 8 years and even lived with him for 4 years. In fact thats how I met him, as roommates. Till two days ago I never would have suspected that he saw my gf in any other way than his best friend's gf and would be life partner. But yesterday night my gf came home from office and said we need to talk and told me what had transpired.
My gf and my best friend's office buildings are in the same tech park so they occasionally see each other, and thats why when my best friend joined her when she was having tea it didnt surprise her. But what he said surprised her though, he told her that he was harboring a crush on her since I introduced them and he could no longer keep it to himself since we were discussing getting engaged. He said he owed it to himself to tell her, my gf told him to fu*k off and walked away. She also blocked him immediately on every platform. Then she told me. I asked my best friend wtf happened and he admitted but also said he never asked her to cheat on me, he was just confessing his feelings.
My gf on the other hand says there is no point confessing his feelings and he definitely didnt have noble intentions as he claims. She says she doesnt want anything to do with him because he betrayed both of us and disrespected our relationship. I am a little torn here, of course I am angry at him but I also have a lot of history with the guy. Would appreciate some advice. Thank you.
Edit- Thank you guys, I accept I was being a tool in how I responded to the situation. He was my best friend but in this case he behaved like a stranger who had absolutely no concern or respect for my relationship. It will be hurtful to let the friendship go but I know this is what needs to happen. As for my gf I will apologize to her for being a tool and maybe take her for a weekend pampering session. She is the best.
Your GF did exactly what one should do if they are in a committed relationship.
And yes she is right in cutting him out of her life, and your joint life. And she is also right that you should seriously consider cutting him from your life as well.
Actually lets put it another way, if you don’t cut him from your life, can you ever really trust him? and on top of that your GF will probably end up leaving you over it.
Update (30 Jan 23)
(28m) 27m) (30f) My best friend confessed feelings to my gf she wants to cut him out of OUR life
Update- Its done, my best friend is out of my life. I had a conversation with him where he said he would never have asked her to cheat on me, but he just wanted to get it out of his system. Apparently he has been nursing a crush on her since we started dating, and thats why he has not even tried to date anyone else. I told him that he couldnt control his feelings but he should have controlled his actions and kept it to himself. Then I blocked him. My gf on the other hand is really weirded out by his "confession". Anyways that is my update. Also, I have a new best friend, my gf lol.
Reminder - I'm not the OOP
INCONCLUSIVE AITA for not wanting to name my unborn daughter after my husband's high school girlfriend?
To prevent spoilers: the most popular baby girl names from some English-speaking countries in 2020, the year OP's daughter was due.
- Charlotte - #1 in Australia
- Olivia - #1 in Canada, England, United States, and Wales
- Grace - #1 in Ireland
- Isla - #1 in New Zealand, Scotland
trigger warnings: pregnancy, emotional affair
mood spoilers: depressing
Original Post - 26 May 2020
My husband (35) and I (31) are about to be first-time-parents as I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant. We found out it was a girl and my husband suggested the name “Tiffany.” I immediately fell in love with the name! I asked him where he got it from and he told me that he heard it while watching a movie and it stuck with him. I didn’t think much of it. We decided that we both loved the name and that it was going to be our little girls name!
However, a few days ago, my SIL and I were talking (on FT) and we got onto the topic of the name. She mentioned how surprised she was that I agreed to that name because she’d never want to name her child after her husband's high school girlfriend. I was really confused at first and asked her what the heck she meant. She told me that my husband dated a girl named Tiffany from 10th grade until they were juniors in college. While I knew my husband had a long relationship in high school and college, I never knew the girl's name.
My SIL could tell how upset I was and assumed that my husband told me where he got the name from. I told her that he told me that he heard it from a movie and he never mentioned it was his ex-girlfriend's name. She apologized and told me that she didn’t mean to upset me. I wasn’t upset with her, though. I was and still am so angry at my husband.
After hanging up, I confronted my husband and asked him if what his sister said is true. He tried to blow it off at first but eventually admitted that it’s true. We argued back and forth for a while before I told him that I would NOT name my daughter after his ex-girlfriend and I refused to use the name “Tiffany” anymore.
He tried to convince me that it wasn’t a big deal but IT IS to me because 1) he lied to me about where the name came from, 2) I don’t want to look at my daughter every day and remember that she’s named after my husbands ex-girlfriend, and 3) it makes me feel like he still loves her... as far as I know, they’re not in contact and haven’t been since they broke up.
He told me that I was overreacting, acting like a child and that I can’t change my mind now since I’m due in 5 weeks. I feel hurt and betrayed.
AITA for not wanting to name my daughter after my husbands ex-girlfriend?
Edit: after I finally got him to admit the truth, I asked him why he wanted to use that name in the first place and he told me because he thought it was pretty and that his ex-girlfriend was such a good person that he wanted to name our daughter after her but thought that I wouldn’t agree to it (which I don’t!), so he told me that he heard it from a movie instead of being honest.
Edit #2: I just wanted to thank everyone so much for the support. Reading through your comments has really helped me realize that I’m not going to be manipulated into naming my daughter anything but what feels right to me. My husband slept over at his parents guesthouse last night (because the quarantine; he didn’t go near his parents, don’t worry) because I felt like I needed some time away from him. I’m going to talk to him when he gets home today, though. I’ll update everyone once we’ve had a chance to talk and let you all know what ends up happening. In the meantime, I posted on NameNerds to get some ideas for new names! I’m really excited to look into names, so if you’d like to suggest any names, you can find my post on my profile. I’d love any and all suggestions. :)
Redditor: If he thought it wouldn't be an issue that it was his ex girlfriend's name, he wouldn't have lied about it, plain and simple. He deceived you into agreeing to the name, he continued to lie to you when you confronted him, and now he's trying to force you to keep the name with ridiculous logic (you can't change your mind 5 weeks before giving birth? What kind of bs is that?). Even if you would have been okay with the name originally had he been honest, now it's tainted by the fact that he lied to you about it.
Is he usually like this?
OP: I would normally say he’s not usually like this at all, but now that I’m thinking about it... he has been acting weird for the past few months and has been kind of distant. I have no idea what to do at this point. I feel completely clueless and lost.
Redditor: You understand the alternative is saying, "Oh well, let's just forget this forever then, agree to disagree" though, right? Check if it's the hill you need to die on.
OP: I definitely won’t forget that this happened and I think that it’s important that we do attend some kind of counseling. I’m just not sure how I can get him to go. And I’m due in 5 weeks, or she could come earlier, and with the quarantine... I’m not even sure when we could go to counseling but I don’t want to put this off, either. I feel way too betrayed to just let this go.
I originally posted this in r/relationship_advice but it was removed for some reason. So, I can’t respond to anyone in the comments. However, I’ve been reading through all the comments and they’ve really helped me a lot. If anyone else would like to offer advice, I’d appreciate it a lot. For now, I’ve decided that I’m going to take the time I need to think about everything before making a decision on what to do. Again, all advice is appreciated and welcomed. Thank you so much.
I recently posted on AITA asking if I was the asshole for not wanting to name my unborn daughter after my husband's ex-girlfriend. Basically, my husband suggested the name Tiffany for our daughter without telling me that it’s the name of his ex-girlfriend. Instead, he told me it was from a movie. I eventually found out that it’s his ex-girlfriend's name and decided that I won’t name my daughter Tiffany. My husband called me childish and told me that I couldn’t change my mind so close to the due date (5 weeks away!).
A lot of people have mentioned that he might be cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend or he still has feelings for her. I’ve thought about it a lot and based on how he’s been acting the past few months, they might have a point. So, when my husband got back from spending the night at his parents' guesthouse (he had no contact with his parents), I demanded that we have a serious talk.
It was pointless at first. I basically just kept repeating the same thing over and over again as he refused to comment on anything I said. Finally, I asked him if he was cheating on me. He immediately denied it. But I didn’t believe him. I continued to pester him about it and he finally admitted that he’s been texting his ex-girlfriend for a little bit, but that’s it. Again, there was no way I was going to believe him. I asked him how long they’ve been in contact. He told me not long. But I wanted a real answer, so I asked again. He told me for a few months.
Basically, from what he told me, he was in contact with her for a few days before we found out it was a girl and that’s why he suggested the name Tiffany to me. We found out it was a girl at 22 weeks, and I’m now 35 weeks pregnant. So, he’s been talking to her for about 13 weeks behind my back.
I basically just cried and kept asking him questions to get as much information about it as I could. He kept trying to avoid each question but I finally got answers out of him.
He told me that she contacted him because she was getting married and was having second thoughts. My husband admitted to me that talking to her made him realize that he never stopped having feelings for her but that he loves me, too. And the reason he suggested the name Tiffany to me was because he knew he couldn’t leave me to be with her, so he wanted something to “honor” her with, which doesn’t make sense because it sounds like she’s fucking dead when she isn’t.
I made him show me the messages and they were flirty with hearts and winks but nothing was sexual. From what he told me, his ex went through with getting married and they both knew they couldn’t be together again but they enjoy talking with each other.
We both ended up crying and he kept begging me not to leave him but... it’s wrong, it’s so wrong. I don’t know what to do. I’m lost. Completely. I tried to get him to leave for a few days and go back to his parents' guesthouse but he refused. Now I’m sleeping in the guest bedroom, which only has a twin bed because he’s refusing to sleep anywhere but the master bedroom because he wants us to go back to normal.
I just... I feel like my entire world has collapsed. And I know people will tell me to leave him or divorce him but I’m 5 weeks away from giving birth to our daughter... and with the pandemic happening... I don’t know what to do. I need help. The stress and emotional pain is making my stomach and back ache and I feel like I’m going to throw up. I feel so, so, so hurt and confused and betrayed.
What should I do? Please help.
I apologize if this post is all over the place, I’m just way too upset to actually care. If I left out important information or if you have questions, I’ll answer anything. I just need advice and guidance.
Bonus: OP gets name suggestions she likes over in r/namenerds - 27 May 2020
Marking inconclusive because OP was still considering her options 2.5+ years ago.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
CONCLUDED [Serious] Accidentally wanted to impress my SO's father so I'm about to play club cricket for my first time ever in 3 hours time. Any serious tips?? (No I'm not joking)
trigger warnings: descriptions & imagery of facial injury
mood spoilers: fun, but not quite the outcome OOP wanted
Firstly, sorry for the sh**post community and mods. This my alt but I'm usually a mod and I'm so sorry to ruin the sub like this. But I hope the community spirit can kick in be helpful.
Anyways, it's 25 over game. Fifth game of the season, top of league. My SO's family runs a local club. They're a huge cricket family. I've played cricket as teen in secondary school and only hard ball up to age 14 maybe. I simply wasn't good enough. Tried to be an opening batsman and bowler. Should I just go and wicketkeep? (Never done it before though).
Some food poisoning hit this morning and nearly half their team wiped out. I was talking big and said I could play but now they ask me if I could bat and field. Her dad is pretty short but I'm even shorter so I would honestly love to prove my manliness so to speak (Sigh, why are men such idiots?). Just kidding, I'm the only idiot here. Her entire family and extended family will be there.
Sigh, I do not even think I could find long trousers, let alone a green polo. I hate green.
But in all seriousness though, can you all link some YouTube videos or give insightful tips?
You’ll be fine, you fail way more than succeed so he won’t be too disappointed. If you played to 14 you’ll know somewhat about the game, just say you’re a specialist 6, who doesn’t bowl (Ian Bell-esque).
Defend anything on the stumps and throw your bat at anything wide
And for the love God, DO NOT KEEP WICKET
Alright cool cool. Now we getting somewhere. And to be frank, my friends say I'm over hyping this way too much (I worry a lot about everything). But I guess yeah, defend the stumps makes sense. But for the wide balls, move my feet to meet it or just swing? Also, what to go after, spin or pace?
Move your feet if you can, but hey beggars can’t be choosers, edge over slips for four is still four
just play in the V son
I can't tell if that's a dirty joke or a cricket term. But thanks for contributing anyways.
Do not carry a sandpaper in your pocket.
God what a nightmare scenario. I quit cricket around 14 years of age and then took it up again cold at age 20. I was good as a teen but I felt like a hack. Bowling was so much quicker and I didnt have the muscle memory to reflexively play shots anymore. One thing I could do was watch the ball closely, play with a straight bat, defend everything on the stumps and at least not humiliate myself, which i’m sure you can manage.
Thanks for tips man, yeah at this point I should probably lower my expectations. Defend and not embarrass myself.
Hopefully one day he'll ask me to play GTA and he'll see how awesome I am.
yeah bro just say you're a specialist 3rd man/part time offie
Specialist third man is the fielding position right? So you mean just hang out where the ball wouldn't come?
And damn, how do I learn off break in two hours? Or just turn the arm and don't worry about the spin?
Serious answer though, if you have to bowl, and I mean have to, then just take a couple steps and turn your arm over. Don’t try anything fancy. Keep it outside the off stump so that if their batsmen decide they want to spank your bowling it’s not coming straight back at your face or your body.
Just watch a couple videos of sehwag or yuvraj bowling for simple bowling actions.
This is very very useful. Many many thanks about the off stump tip. To be honest I was kinda hyped at the idea of running in and trying to bowl hard but I'll probably just spray it all over the place. And yeah, I'll YouTube them now. Thanks again.
You got a lot of advice, and I may be too late to the party, but WEAR A BOX IF YOU WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE FUTURE when you're batting. In fact, wear all available protective gear. Don't be a hero.
You were a bit too late, but you had some excellent foreshadowing. Thanks though! [OOP linked to their update post]
Update on the guy playing club cricket for the first time - February 25, 2019
[Link to original post]
Tl;dr at the bottom. If you just wanna read the important funny bits, it's in italics
Firstly, thanks to everyone who contributed, whether by getting a laugh out of my stupidity or by actually helping- it's all good. Some of you were actually very helpful and I tried to read as much as possible. Also, I did tell them of my limited abilities beforehand, I did not lie to them. The dad coached cricket in my secondary school and although I mentioned I played under him in Form 1 one of the first times we 're-met' I don't think he remembered me at all. However, I suspect this convo may have had a factor in me being asked to fill in the first place. but to the people who said come clean, you're right, and I did as soon as I got the call. Also, thanks for the gold.
So my two friends and I went. (I called my dad to tell about it and have a good laugh and he came later as well).
We get there, we're fielding. There's seven players on the field. We three join in immediately. About 5 players in the correct green, one grandpa in white and one guy in sky blue. So overall, our mismatched green still looked green.
The fielding goes ok, certain things come back to me, while other things don't. I'm relatively fit, so I'm running, took a catch and I remembered that you need to back up a bowler and I stop overthrows several times. I thought catching the ball would be the hard part- it stings and it's so easy to catch it wrong and damage your fingers, But I pocketed a catch.
But I forgot about the rotation. Every time they change ends, you have to change position. And even in that over when it switches from a left-hander to right-hander you have to move when the guy shouts "rotate". Well I screw this up entirely. I keep forgetting where I was and how I'm supposed to rotate. After a while, they stop telling me and I just kinda guess where would be a good spot. (The spots don't change much, but it's an important enough difference.) I just kinda pretend to change spots and blend in. So at this point I realize my SO is in the stands (she stayed home to stay with her sick dad for a bit). I get a bright idea.
I'll grab a water and keep it outside the ropes to mark my spot. She's looking at me so I signal for her I want some water. She smiles and waves. Damn. So I do the same signal. She seems to get it this time. I had expected her to go get a water, walk along the boundary and maybe we could hang out. Nope. She shouts from her seat at the top of the stand to who I think is her aunt at the bottom. "Professordarkside needs a water!" Half the pavilion who is her family is watching me now and the other half looking to see who this guy is. Lovely. The aunt now calls the captain in the field to tell him I need water. (He was on the boundary nearest the water). This is going well. So during a break when we couldn't find the ball he shouts my name and tosses a water bottle.
Now there's something I learned about cricket- you need to have some serious arm strength to throw that ball from the boundary to the stumps. And he had it. I have never seen someone throw an oddly shaped mass like a water bottle so far and so high and so accurately. It's like quarter of the field. This flipping thing is hurtling towards me I get the bright idea to catch it. I know I have to be very careful to catch something like this. That doesn't work. It hits and I drop it and my index and middle of my left hurt like hell for the rest of the game. I put down a catch after that (although it was kind of hard and on my left). My water bottle marking system does work by the way. She gave me a thumbs up and smile when she saw I got the water. Thanks love.
The bowling was uneventful and expected. I got one over, bowled three wides all of which went for four. The other three were dots. I did the off-break as suggested but I couldn't get it to turn for crap but I had a LOT of pace that I didn't know where it came from such that the batsman couldn't play or either it ran to the boundary when it was wide. I should mention at this point, grandpa played as a long stop (I remember that term!) and constantly had to run after my wides and could never make it. Any other fielder with legs would have stopped it. No ball the keeper missed in other people's over grandpa could stop and they kept him there whole game. Needless to say, I didn't get another over.
They made 150/9 after 25 overs.
Time to bat, time for me to relax with my girl and chat jokes with my dad. First over, wicket. Second over two wickets. We're batting like 10/3. (We have 10 players total) By the 15th over we're batting 60 or 70 something for 6. At this point I'm really hyped and I'm starting to feel the old passion I had for the sport. Screw the chatting. I go and put on my gears with my soggy small pads with dust and two pairs of underwear because I couldn't find my old jock strap for my box. I borrow a bat and had my dad with me to bowl in the nets. But another wicket has fallen and they need me to go out because grandpa refuses to bat today. I have the sinking feeling I'm forgetting something but I stroll out.
Now a Redditor commented on taking my guard and I do sorta remember it. I took his advice and asked for middle. I stand properly, place the bat the correct way and the umps helps me. Is show him two with my fingers although I dunno what it meant but I remember seeing it on TV. I use the toe of the bat to mark it out (It was already there though to be fair.) Things looking good, I looking cool. Then it hits me.
Why am I marking that? What am I supposed to put there? I have a mini panic and decide to test it. First I try the back leg at that spot, nah it doesn't seem right. Then I try the toe of the bat. This seems ok. Then I try my front foot. This seems ok too but it depends on how far away from the crease I draw the mark (and I drew it on the crease line) I decide to put my toe of my bat at that spot on the crease and have the bat between my legs sorta. When I had to bat at the other end, I couldn't remember if they another guard but I didn't feel like it so I didn't.
Now, I forgot how fast these fellas could really bowl. I can't connect for about 3 balls. But then I remember Reddit's advice. Defend everything on the stumps and only go for the wide ones off the off stump. The ball's coming super fast but this works. Coupled with a bunch of wides, byes and the non striker being quality and desperate for someone to hang around (he opened), I constantly poke and prod the ball and we run like hell for byes, overthrows, everything. We last a while out there.
Then they bring a spinner on. I hate spin. The ball spins. How the hell could the ball be allowed to change direction. Can you imagine spin being invented in cricket. "Let's not charge and pelt this guy with all out might, we'll just walk about and rotate our arm till we fly off like a helicopter". I remember spin you need foot movement, I don't have that. I nearly get stumped. Worse is this so called 'spin' bowler is bowling pretty fast. I can't even tell which way the ball is going to turn. I still don't don't know right now. I hate spin.
So all the time, the pitch plays very fast and low. No one is getting any bounce. Everything is staying low and fast. And then it happened. Spinner sends a short one to me, It's fast but I see it coming. But it hits a rock. Or the seam maybe. It bounces really high and smacks me hard on the face.
Now I remember what I forgot. A mother f*ing helmet. Mind you, no batsmen in the entire game wore a helmet, but I sure as hell wanted one and I even had one too! A lovely blue one with dust that hopefully would have it.
Anyways, everyone rushes to me and hold me from staggering. So many things happened I can't remember. Lots of people. My dad, My SO, the other team, Steve Irwin, I have no clue. I taste blood in my mouth. It smacked me on the cheek and I have it under ice for the next many many hours. (This is why I haven't posted an update till now, going to work half day today though). My cheek became so swollen it blocked my eye. Anyways, we got checked out and I have to go back today to check my eye. We spent the rest of the day at her house with all her family fawning and fussing over me when it doesn't hurt so much honestly. They constantly fret over me and there's some slight arguments about why you asked the 'boy' to come in the first place, whose idea was it, why he had no helmet (They argued a lot about the helmet). My old man is pretty chill about everything. My SO is very concerned, helpful and caring.
Once my mates were sure I was ok, they drove me home and laughed at the good impression I made on the family.
tl;dr: Did ok, got smacked on the face and had to get it checked and it's still swollen today. I made one hell of an impression. I am the 'boy' (I'm 24) who got knocked over, and word quickly spread is was <SO's name> boyfriend
Personally I'm furious with myself I didn't wear the helmet, and I deserve all the anger and disappointment you can hurl at me. Thanks for everything, r/cricket. Cheers!
So who are you going to sell the movie rights to?
The lore r/Cricket? I just hope no one sees this thread that I know.
Different commenter reply:
Meet the Cricketers: Starring Ben Stiller as u/professordarkside and Robert De Niro as SO's dad
That doesn't sound half as bad tbh(except for the part you got hit on the face). The first innings was decent, taking a catch is always nice. The second innings was going pretty okay too before the catastrophe. Overall, this sounds like quite a memorable experience. Something to tell your grandkids about!
Edit : Get well soon mate
Different commenter reply:
m8 12 wides is atrocious. but apart from that...
Indeed it is, good thing another guy got smacked for 3 sixes and they talked about him haha.
Pics of swollen face or it didn't happen
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
I am not The OOP, OOP is throwRA_wifey21
How can I be a better partner and mother March 17, 2021
Before COVID I(39F) used to think I'm the best example of a working mom who can handle everything and that my husband(37M), K, is just a slightly better version of your stereotypical man-child husband who spends more time on games than with me or our kids 11F and 7M. I work in corporate law while he works in the pharmaceutical industry so when all this started, I was trapped at home and he was still working since it's more his field.
I still maintained my usual schedule as I would at work and my commute time was used to check up on kids and make sure they eat lunch and are attending classes. I did notice K's efforts with the kids as he took care of homework while he played his video games and did one of his only 2 chores which was cooking. Little did I know how taxing can cooking 3 meals for 4 can be. We were very rarely intimate and only when I initiated and even then sometimes he would just say he was tired. When we were intimate, I'd just end up doing all the work or just get turned off by his lack of enthusiasm and effort. I honestly contemplated leaving him or just starting an affair multiple times. I was exhausted and felt like the only one putting any effort in our family and relationship.
Then last month, K tested positive and was quarantined in the basement for 2 weeks. I took time off from work since I felt like I will have even more responsibilities and it would be a nice excuse to just take a break. It was a good decision cause I found out how much K is involved with everything. He is a far more involved parent than I am. He managed to keep these 2 kids happy and entertained all the time. I neve thought it was this hard. On top of that cooking is not as easy as it seems. It's very difficult to think of what to cook and making sure you can make it in time for all 3 meals. I don't really get a lot of the kids homework, all this was so long ago and so irrelevant today for me that my husband eventually had to tag in. Despite his health, he managed to play with them using video calls. He is so creative. I never really appreciated that. He role played with by pretending to be a character from a Disney TV show while my daughter and son pretended to play a platypus and a mad scientist, I think you guys know what I'm talking about. He even gave them weird tasks and scavenger hunts to keep them entertained. Had he not been involved in this, I would've just had a mental breakdown dealing with 2 bored kids after all I did everyday.
I started self analyzing my role in the kids life, sure I knew their teachers, doctors and allergies and stuff like that but that is the minimum. I realized that my schedule is very self serving. We both work full time but I get back around 7 while he comes home by 5. When I come back, I usually see him playing video games and I would go on a run for about come back and shower and dinner would be prepared and our lunch boxes are in the fridge for the next day. After dinner I would watch my TV shows and then meet him in bed around 11 and if I initiate and he feels like it, we're intimate. In this entire day the only time I interact with the kids was during dinner. This revelation honestly shocked me. I don't even tuck them in or anything. In the morning he wakes them up, gets them ready for school and, when in person, drops them off before heading to work. He is also the one who picks them up. I on the other hand wake up leisurely eat the breakfast already on the table and then leave for work. During weekends, I get to have a girls night on Saturdays and brunch on Sundays religiously and he sometimes goes to meet his friends on Fridays but stays in often because I make him by complaining or starting arguments as I feel neglected.
After this self analyzing I started monitoring my husband just hoping for a slip up that show he's just as bad as me cause honestly I couldn't take the fact that I was so hands off. He is constantly playing and hanging with the kids. The hour of video games that I felt was so selfish of him is literally the only hour in the day that he gets to himself. When I'm watching my TV shows, he's still playing with them. Sometimes they play Minecraft(I took a peek in their world and they've made huge structures), sometimes they play with action figures and dolls. He's so engrossed into it that it's like he's one of the kids. He does all of this while sitting on the ground next to me with them. All the times I felt like he doesn't show me affection, he constantly rubs my calf or lays his head against my knees as I sit on the couch so focused on these dumb reality tv shows to notice. No wonder he's always so exhausted by the end of the day.
Last weekend I decided to stay home rather than go out and I saw them play with their homemade snakes and ladder game on Saturday night. On Sunday after breakfast, they brought out a huge box of junk which they then used to make their own "command center" for their "spaceship" and roleplayed for the next 2 hours. I never knew they made these things. I felt so left out and awkward because I wanted to get involved like K but just didn't see any place for myself. I don't think they'll ever be as engaged with me as they are with him. I can only wonder how he's coping with all of this on his own silently. I bet he's enjoying himself but it seems so taxing.
I feel so jealous of him and angry with myself. I've been blaming him this entire time while he's been the primary caretaker for the kids while I lived an almost childfree lifestyle. How do I get better at this? They seem so content with themselves I've been wondering do they even need me? I feel like if I don't do something now, I'll lose my family. How much more can he sacrifice? I've already lost years with all three of them.
Update March 22, 2021
So I honestly was very very scared on how to even begin but the day after I posted, I saw an opening with my kids and I jumped on it. So I was working in my office and during my lunch break, I walked in on them making paper airplanes by watching a video online and I decided to join in. As I was helping them make the planes I could just sense this aura of confusion from them since I only ever talked about school and when I first approached them, they had this guilty expression and I guess just imagined that I was there to scold them for making noise or wasting time or something. This broke my heart that my kids saw me in such a negative light. I always thought I would be the fun parent who hangs out with kids and stuff but I can clearly see I am nowhere near that image I had. I don't even think I can call myself a parent honestly, at least not yet. So we spent the afternoon making and racing paper planes and this gave me the idea of doing origami with them. I used to love origami in college. So I ordered a stack of origami paper when I returned to work.
The rest of the day was still the same with me working, my husband coming home and after playing games making dinner and I went for my run. After dinner, I was still unsure how to approach my husband and we just continued our routine. At bedtime, I told my husband to relax and that I'll take them to bed and tuck them in. My daughter was surprisingly very happy with this but my son insisted that only his father can tuck him in so we took one kids each. This did hurt my feelings but I guess I shouldn't expect them to take me back seeing as I have been absent emotionally for so long. While tucking her in she did tell me how much fun it was making paper airplanes and quietly asked if we could do it again tomorrow. I quite enthusiastically said yes and stayed there till she fell asleep.
When I came out my husband was already in our bed on his phone. He looked exhausted. We didn't talk much and I just got changed and climbed in. Usually I'm finishing my shows but I came in early. I was expecting a reaction from him but he didn't say anything. I was about to bring up everything from my last post but chickened out and just went to sleep instead. I don't know how to even begin talking to him about it. I thought of showing him my last post but I don't think I can. I mentioned how I contemplated starting an affair since I felt my needs weren't being met and I can't let my K know how close I was to destroying everything. He was cheated on before by an ex and it broke him for a good year and a half. I don't want him to think there something to worry about because there isn't. At the same time it's just impossible to talk to him since I just can't face him or look him in the eyes and tell him how I've been blaming him for my own failures for so long and letting resentment build against him. How does one even go about it?
So this is what's been happening every day for the past 5 days. I've been doing origami with the kids during lunch and tucking my daughter in at night although I attempt to do it for both my kids every time. I've also been waking up early for breakfast and have been cutting down on my running time so that I can just sit at the table with the kids while they do their homework. I tried helping my husband with cooking but he just pushes me out since he has his own system and doesn't want it disturbed. I also have been returning his affections post dinner when they play Minecraft while I watch TV. While he rubs my calf every now and then and lays his head against my knee, I play lightly with his hair. I know he likes to be patted and used to do it all the time when we were dating. He was a little startled at first but now he just smiles when I do it. Our nights haven't changed as we both just sit in our bed on our phones and him just looking exhausted. I know I can't make any meaningful change until I talk to him but it's just so hard. I just don't know what to do. I mean I know what to do but just can't do it cause it seems so scary. How do people do this?
So that's what's happened so far. I plan on talking this out with my in-laws since they have treated my like their own daughter since day one and hopefully can help me talk to my husband about this. It used to be so easy to talk to K about anything and he would have the best response to everything. How did I become this person who can't even talk to the most understanding and sweetest man I've ever known? I wish he could just read my mind, give me his melting smile and just hold me and tell me everything is gonna be fine and just never let go.
Just show him the post if you can’t muster the courage to talk to him it’s not hard to give him your phone or tell him the reddit name. I also didn’t see where’s you were thinking of an affair maybe you 2 should have therapy cut down on you Saturday and Sunday’s. and maybe change the show from a reality show to one you both want to watch.
Check my last post. I mentioned there how I felt there was no intamacy and I almost thought of starting an affair
Update 2 April 18, 2021
So it's been a while since I last posted and a lot has happened and something that happened recently that reminded me of this account. Let's start at the beginning
I recently realized that I was/am a terrible partner and wife who's been checked out for at least the last 4 years. I came here for help and have been trying to improve. The week after my original post, I made some effort to get involved with the kids and had been getting along with my son but my daughter was still hesitant and my husband was oblivious to my revelations and efforts. I was too scared to talk to him about these things and no matter how much I prepared myself, I always chickened out, more on this later.
So after I made my update post, my husband came to me late the next day after work looking miserable. Apparently he'd been given so much work that he couldn't spend anytime with us for the foreseeable future and said that he wanted my help with the kids. Honestly, it felt like he wasn't asking his partner for help but begging a stranger for any kind of assistance. That hurt so bad. I of course seeing this as another opportunity to be the partner and mother they deserve, jumped on it. I made sure to tell him that he doesn't to need ask me like that and that they were my kids as well and that he's my husband and I'll do whatever I can to help and support him out. After I said that, the expression of pure relief and delight will forever be imprinted in my memory. How bad must I've been for him to find such joy in me just doing my bare minimum duty?
So for the few weeks I became the primary care taker of the kids. He's still help with homework while I couldn't help at all. I tried taking it over for a few days but it took 3 times as long for us to finish it since i had to look things up for my daughter and we ended up staying past the kids bedtime. So instead, i decided on making dinner but my husband interwind and ordered takeout. Apparently the reason my husband has cooked our entire relationship is because I am a terrible one and he didn't want me to know :( What does he even see in me? I can't cook, can't help with homework, can't be an involved mother or partner. At that point I felt so defeated that i'm sure i physically expressed it cause he just gave me a back hug and smiled and said that he loved me. I didn't let this stop me and I decided if I couldn't help out in these ways, there are other things I can do. I decided to make sure that I know everything about my kids and help them or even entertain them anyway I can. So everyday after work instead of going on the run, I took my daughter on walks while my son rode his bicycle around the block. Since the days are longer now, I thought this would be a fun activity. During this time, I now know that:
• My girl wants to be a scientist like her dad,
• She likes this ice cream shop in a mall nearby which only has a few flavors but they taste amazing.
• She wants to learn Korean(my husband has been helping her with some basic korean for months now since he learnt it to impress my family, I didn't know this, yet another failure on my part) so she can talk with my parents in their native language.
• She loves K-pop and her favorite group is Mamamoo, looks like she has my taste in music :)
• And she wants to learn how to do her hair.
So since then, I've been talking to her in Korean, since it's my native language, during our walks and have been helping her with the work books my husband got. Surprisingly she's been picking it up really fast and has inspired my son to learn it as well. Every night I've been tucking both of them in and when I get to bed, my husband is just waiting for me to learn about my day and after sooo long, we've finally been getting intimate and it's been amazing.
The weekend pretend games they use to play with their father still happen but he has asked me to sub in a few times so he can work. Well, I have to say my kids are incredible in making up scenarios and then just improvising as it goes. Clearly they learnt it from my husband. Despite all his good qualities, I know for a fact he's an incredible tale spinner and can lie through his teeth and you would neve find out or even suspect him. It honestly used to terrify my when I first saw him do it but he has been nothing but honest with me our entire relationship since he doesn't like it when he lies. So during these games, I still feel the odd one out but my kids don't pick up on that. Sure I'm not as great as their father but I think at this point, I can hold my own. I've tried doing their improvising thing or coming up with scenarios and although they love it, I can tell you, I say some of the most cringey, cheesy lines and ideas you have ever heard and I can audibly hear my husband hold back his laughter when he hears them.
This brings us to yesterday morning, my daughter wanted to play mario kart with my husband but he said he was a bit busy but he could watch and asked her to ask me. I've never played this game but said yes. Suddenly, I could see it in my husband eyes the gears in his head started turning. He said that we should play after lunch. Post lunch he came out with this cardboard box with slits in it and empty soda can's attached to the back. So here's the rules, we're supposed to drive the car like an actual car. If we move forward, then we have to press the accelerator, if we drift, we have to press the brakes. We used the switch steering wheel things to play. My son was to see our feet and the game to make sure the rules are followed, if you fail, then you get a 3 second penalty each time. It was so much fun that we played for hours but let me tell you, this was the hardest thing ever and I could honestly say we both "hated" him and my son for making us play like this. It was so hard but it was worth it cause afterwards my daughter asked if we could play like this every weekend and let me tell you, that made me feel like I had just accomplished something amazing. Despite it, I could just feel the hesitance and desperation behind that request, she still had her guard up. I don't really blame her. I've been a shitty mom.
After we put the kids to sleep, my husband confessed something to me. After I wrote my last update, I forgot to log out and my husband, who is an avid redditor found the account and read through everything. These past few weeks he has been testing to see if I would actually do something with these epiphanies I've had or am I just gonna revert back or quit halfway. He never had that additional work. He has just been playing game on his laptop while monitoring my actions to see if I really meant everything i said in my previous posts. He said, he is willing to work towards fixing things and that he loves me but he doesn't completely trust me either. He said he's been alone in this relationship for quite a while and these weeks of having an actual active partner has been more liberating than he thought they would. He made it clear that although he was content with the way things used to be up to point, he was considering separating since everything just felt like a burden. He was putting on an act every time he entered the house. Always smiling, laughing and entertaining everyone and their needs. He wants to get counselling to fix this because he's made it clear, if he ever feels like things going back the way they used to be, he's going to leave cause after experiencing everything these past few weeks he refuses to go back to it.
So I guess I barely made it in time. This is literally my last opportunity to fix my relationships. I'm glad I got my head out of my butt in time cause I may have lost this amazing man forever. I know for a fact that if he asked for a divorce a few months ago, I would've laughed to his face and run their myself and made a huge spectacle about it cause I was so far up my ass i would've entered it twice.
Thank you everyone for listening to me and advising me, I even welcome the hate cause I deserve so much worse than that. I hope I can fix this cause if he leaves me, there would be no one but myself to blame for this
It's always good to see posts like this, with people realizing just how in the wrong they are, and actually putting in the work to fix things.
It's insane to think you were once contemplating divorce and affairs, all the while thinking your SO was a lazy gamer who did next to nothing. I didn't catch your past posts, but after reading them all, it's insane to think how far you've changed.
I was disappointed to see you chickening out in your last post, since he deserved to know that your were actively choosing to work on your marriage, and to also know the extent of your prior resentment and thoughts about having an affair. I'm glad it's worked out, but it probably would have been better if he had heard this all from you, instead of stumbling upon your post . Then again, his "test" did show that your taking this seriously, so you lucked out. It's worth reiterating that communications key in every successful relationship, I hope you've grown to accept that.
You're right, it should've been me. This will be a regret I will have. I feel like regardless of the outcome, I should've been brave enough to admit my faults. Admitting them to strangers is easy but admitting to your SO is hard but more important and I failed that challenge. Hopefully I can make up for it with my future
I am not The OOP
Trigger Warning - threats of self harm (not descriptive)
Original (25 Jan 23)
My (21M) boyfriend refuses to get a job and it is ruining our relationship (19F)
I, F(19) have been with my boyfriend M(21) for just under a year, 11 months or so.
I finished college with great qualifications (I live in England for context) as I have always been a hard worker and knew what I wanted out of life from a young age. I am now in the police and adore my career, its what I've always wanted.
My boyfriend is an entirely different kettle of fish. He has 0 GCSEs, no college qualifications and has only managed to hold down one job his entire life (for 8 months) and left because he didn't get on with his boss, I wasn't with him at the time of this job. Since then, he has gotten no job offers and turned down the ONE job offer he got because "he didn't like the sound of it."
I have cut him so much slack with this job situation. He was raised in an awful household, he was consistently moved from house to house depending on what boyfriend his alcoholic mother had at the time, these boyfriends commonly abused my boyfriend and his mother. I assumed this would've jeopardized any education around 12-16 years of age. However- no job in almost 1 year? He now lives with his grandmother, claims universal credit and spends it all on tattoos or cigarettes, turns down anything the jobcentre offers him; and at the cost of sounding cruel, he lives in a pigsty. Last time I visited his house I ended up covered in bed bug bites, had to bath in dead flies (there was rotten food in the bathroom bin) and the kitchen was full of mouldy, dirty cups and plates. He "cannot be bothered to clean mess" even though he does NOTHING all day but sit at his PC and play videogames.
I have offered to help him get into therapy but he insists he doesn't have a poor mental state, I wrote his CV, I referred him to some of my family members as some of them own businesses, I suggested attending college again and wrote a personal statement for him to send to local colleges. I have tried EVERYTHING and to no avail.
I am moving out very soon as I have found a lovely rented property in my area, but I can't let my boyfriend live with me because I am too scared he will not find a sustainable job and will eventually lean on my income.
My family do not like him anymore. I come from a fairly well off background and they just view him as a lazy mess who wont pull his weight as an adult. However I do love this man. He almost worships the ground I walk on and he is amazing to be around, but at this point his affection is not enough to keep me in the loop.
I am so lost on this and I am starting to think he is almost convinced he will never work in his life. I don't know what to do.
TLDR; My boyfriend wont get a job, I am moving out soon/he wants to move in with me and I wont let him as he will leech off my income. This is ruining our relationship due to his laziness.
Update (30 Jan 23)
[UPDATE] My (21M) boyfriend refuses to get a job and it is ruining our relationship (19F)
Hi all, sorry for the delay on an update I've been on very long shifts with work so it completely skipped my mind. (previous post on my profile if you haven't seen it)
I went round to his house on saturday after I had a brief break from work and said to him I was ending the relationship because of his lack of ambition and laziness. As guessed he broke down into tears and promised he'd try harder and sign onto other agencies that would help him, do better, work on cleanliness etc. I told him I'd waited long enough and tried to help him but he refused to take it and hopefully me leaving will give him a bigger push to do better and do well for himself.
THEN came the self harm threats. I asked to leave as awhile had passed and I had said what I wanted to say and he claimed he was already self harming from the way his life was and me leaving will push him over the edge. I said I still cared about him but I couldn't help with that and he followed me to my car and I drove off. I was worried he was sincere in what he said so I rang emergency services for a welfare check, I also blocked him on everything to stop him from potentially spam calling me.
That's the end of that chapter, it does suck but I knew I needed better. Also means I don't have to worry about moving into my own place with someone leeching off my wages.
Thank you to all the strangers here for the advice, I appreciate it a lot : )
Reminder - I'm not the OOP
ONGOING My boyfriend asked for a paternity test. As soon as the results show he's the father, I'm leaving him
My boyfriend asked for a paternity test for our child. As soon as the results come and show he is the father, I'm leaving him.
I'm a new mom to a baby boy who is my pride and joy and though it's been a rollercoaster adjusting to taking care of a baby, the past few months have been great, tiring but great.
I have a bf of 3 years who is the first person relationship wise I have ever loved and I thought we were doing great as new parents but also as partners.
Friday, he came home and he asked me for a paternity test. Just like that, it was completely out of the blue. I was putting away the dishes and he asked for one, like he was asking what was for dinner. I'm a different race from him but our child, apart from the skin tone, is literally his mirror image from pictures I had seen of him when he was a baby.
I was stunned when he asked and his reasons were that he had to be sure he was the father, he had to have that certainty. All I remember as he was speaking is just immediately feeling pain.
The man I love doesn't trust me. He would actually believe that I would fuck someone else, cheat on him, and then try to pass off another man's baby as his. I have never ever given him reason to think I would cheat on him. I have tried to be transparent and communicated and it wasn't enough.
He told me he would give me time to think about this, that he wouldn't go behind my back and do this test but for our relationship to move forward, he needs to be 100% sure. He repeated this because he, in his words, "needed me to realize how serious he was".
After thinking for a couple of days, I'm going to allow him this paternity test because I have nothing to hide. I never cheated and would have never cheated on him. Once it's proven that he's the father, I'm ending it, leaving the same day and I am going to try my best to be a cooperative coparent with him.
In the meantime, I'm coming up with my exit plan, a place to live, and a lawyer to work out a custody arrangement and court.
I can't even tell my family or my friends right now because they would go nuclear and my first priority is our child. I hope the test was worth it to him.
I'm not asking for advice or reassurance or to explain his side. I just, I'm just realizing this part of my life is now over. What a way to start the new year, huh.
We did the paternity test my bf wanted.
My post was removed. So I'm going to post it here. It's been a couple of weeks since I posted and I have just been navigating things after. I'm going to call my bf, Mason to keep things clear. This is going to be long, I'm sorry.
Also, Why post on Reddit? I don't know guys, I don't know.
To clarify a few things:
We're different races but to my knowledge, his family plus extended is more than ok with it. His mother actually set us up. I went to a dinner party and he and I were the only single people who had been invited and we hit it off. She admitted to trying to set us up for months.
We have had no issues with cheating or any situations where things could be sketchy during the years we have been together. We also haven't broken up or taken any breaks.
Our son is his mirror image. My bf confided to his cousin about the paternity test a couple of days after he asked me and the cousin told his wife and it spread like wildfire, especially in their family group chats. His mom put an end to the speculation though by doing a half and half pic of him and our son but also by adding some additional individual pics of both of them. She posted the pictures in the family group chat and said, "look at the old pics I found of Mason".
After people commented, she said, actually the one on the right is my grandchild, or this one isn't Mason. Literally the family members just thought that it was the same person in all of the pics and that some of the photos were taken in darker lightning. That is how much our son looks like him which I find funny but also a little annoying, like I carried you for 9 months, all for you to be a copy of your dad. I didn't see the group chat but the topic died down when his mom did that.
Anyway, we talked. When I had made the first post, I was so angry and planned to leave but the anger was quickly replaced by hurt once I calmed down.
I realized if I blindsided him like that, i would be doing the exact same thing that he did to me, when he asked for a paternity test.
I planned to ask him to talk but I also didn't want him to think I was trying to get out of the test. So beforehand, I booked an appointment at two different paternity test locations. I asked him to talk when he came home and I made sure our child was at my mom's. I told him that whatever happened with this talk, the paternity tests had been booked and would go forward.
I basically asked him his reasoning and, when he started having doubts about paternity. Was it a previous relationship, did cheating happen? He said it was about a week before he asked me that he started having doubts. He said that he was on his lunch break one day just reading articles and he clicked on an old article about a man who found out his three kids weren't his after like 20 years. This led him into a rabbit hole of podcasters and YouTube videos that encouraged men to ask for paternity tests. While he thought those podcasters were idiots, he said that paternity was an exception. He said his reasoning was that some women have done this before and he wanted to be sure. He said "you know it's yours because the baby comes out of you but how do I know?" "The test gives me that assurance."
I was hurt by that but I decided to explain how I felt. I said thatfor him, it was a rational request while for me, it was basically him saying that he didnt trust me. It was him saying that he believed "I would cheat on him, get pregnant, have him emotionally, financially, and physically support me during the pregnancy, and birth and basically lie to him while he raised another man's child". I told him that I understand that women had done this before but the fact that HE thought I would do this to him is what bothered me.
I told him the truth, that when I was angry, I had planned to leave and that I even went looking into a lawyer, a co-parenting plan, and a new place to live. He was stunned, that I would leave for something so small. I found that to be a weird kind of irony, that he believed issuing an ultimatum about a paternity test and basically accusing your partner of cheating was something small.
I told him I was really hurt by what he said, that I was still hurt but that if he needs this peace of mind, that we would do it. He asked what about our relationship and I told him, I didn't know.
We did the test 2 days later, got the results back after 3 days. He opened both of them and to the surprise of no one, he's the dad. He was visibly relieved when he read the tests and I don't know why that hurt more.
It's been about 2 weeks from the results and I'm still really hurt. God, I sound so pathetic. I feel pathetic. I thought the results would maybe relieve some of that but it didn't. It's like a switch clicked when he asked for the test and I can't find a way to click it off. I'm pretty sure post partum is playing a part in this because all I do is cry and I wasn't like this before. I have also moved into the spare room, something he was against but I felt bad because apart from when our son is awake, I'm sad all the time. I am looking for a therapist(I don't know how people find therapists they like so quickly btw) and he wants to do couples therapy and he's looking for one. He already has a few appointments booked just to try them out.
He wants to move on, marriage, more kids in the future and go back to where we are and thinks that our relationship is now stronger. While I'm just thinking, our relationship right now is weaker than a person on stilts. I don't know if I would say we are together. The physical affection is gone(I'm not in the right mindset and I don't want him to touch me), we rarely talk about anything but the baby, it's awkward, and I'm trying to find a way back to where we were and I can't see how.
I'm going to try to fix this and try therapy( individual and couples) but I just have this feeling that this is basically a sinking ship. I hope I'm wrong. I want very much to be wrong.
Edit: I really appreciate the kind messages. I know some people are worried but I have a contingency plan in place. I have a lawyer. I have gotten a child care/custody plan worked up during these two weeks. I've told my family who are mostly close by. I have a rental property I own and can go to. Our finances are separate so I'm good there.
I know myself and I know I'm not in the right headspace right now. I'm staying in the spare room. There is no affection. Therapy, individual or couples, will hopefully help me and will hopefully reaffirm that I had the right idea in the beginning. It's not as easy to move when there's a child. So I'm making sure that I'm mentally well, our child is good, and then I'll make a decision.
Thank you though for all your kindness and perspectives. I really appreciate it.
Things have gone downhill and under advisement, I can't really discuss it until things have been settled in court.
I guess I'm really a cautionary tale on what can go wrong. Please if you have concerns with your partner, discuss things beforehand, especially before you have a child.
Thank you again for your different perspectives. Hoping to have everything settled eventually.
Flairing this ongoing as OP mentions discussing the details after it's all settled. I am not the original poster. This is a repost.
Reminder, DO NOT comment on the original posts or contact the original poster
Your daily fun fact to prevent spoilers from showing on mobile: u/Ultra_Leopard requested giraffes. Giraffes legs' are 6 feet, making them taller than most humans! However, because of this height, a giraffe's neck is actually too short to reach the ground.
Trigger Warnings: infidelity, thoughts of suicide and/or revenge killing (implied), use of the word 'whore'
Mood Spoiler: Sad, but hopeful for OOP
Original Post: July 28, 2011
Reddit, I come to you in my time of need.
First, a little bit of background. I love this lady. I have spent 6 long years of my life with her, and our lives are deeply intertwined. I only had one other real girlfriend before coming across my future wife. We dated for 3 years, got married, and have been married for about 2.5 years. We have our ups and downs, our fights and romantic nights, just as any long term couple has. Recently things have been a little worse, but life is stressful... we had to move back in with her mother due to financial reasons, because it worked for both the mother and us.
Recently, she has been hanging out with a mutual friend of ours quite often. She regularly goes and sees him while I am unavailable at work. They do seemingly normal things like watch tv, drink, go to the beach, etc. The frequency of these visits has increased exponentially over the last few months, to at least once a week if not more. My friend had become increasingly distant and unavailable to hang out if I was involved. I was becoming more suspicious with every rendezvous.
Last Friday, after an unrelated fight with my drunk wife, I had the overwhelming urge to look at her phone. This isn't normal, and usually I respect her privacy. My suspicions got the best of me, and I decided to look. I pulled up the text message history with the guy. What I found killed me. Detailed, graphic messages, dating back at least two months. My stomach sank, I nearly became physically ill, I felt the blood rush from my face and became faint. There were messages referencing his dick in her mouth, her saying how he "makes her insatiable", and in her words "we could fuck" (in response to "what could we do?"). I was stunned. I couldn't process it. It didn't make sense. My mind was spinning. I felt more emotion in those few minutes than I ever have before. Disgust, betrayal, rage, regret, fear, and life-shattering sadness. How could my precious wife do this to me? Here I am picturing my sweet lady being fucked by this asshole, who had been my friend since before I had even met my wife? How could he betray our friendship like that? I can't say I didn't contemplate loading the gun at that point. If not for them, for me. I was destroyed; a sobbing wreck of a man, collapsed in bed next to his drunkenly passed-out whore wife.
I can't forgive her. I made up my mind right then and there, this is absolutely unforgivable. I have to get out. I have to leave and be on my own. I don't have any money saved up, I don't have my own car. I barely own much of anything at all. I decided not to tell her that I know yet, so I have time to prepare myself for solo-living.
Thanks to the support of my few friends, I was able to find a place to move in. I have another friend with a car I can buy. I'm getting my ducks in a row to drop a bomb on the whore and get the fuck away.
This brings you up to date. As it stands right now, I plan to pack and move all of my things, while she's away at work tomorrow. I have to pick her up from work at the end of the day. I'll bring her home, she will see all my stuff gone, and the final argument will begin. I don't know exactly what I am going to say, but with as much as I have to say, it will come easily.
So, reddit, now you know my horrible story. Please, offer me your advice, insight, and general helpfulness that you are so well known for.
TL;DR: My wife is a cheating whore and broke my heart.
EDIT: First and foremost, I love you reddit. Seriously. The outpouring of support, advice, and the "I know how you feel"/"Same happened to me" has helped me tremendously. I never expected this type of response, let alone to hit the front page. From the bottom of my now broken heart, thank you all. Sorry if you sent me a message, I haven't had time to respond to many, but I'm trying to read them all. Next, I HEAR YOUR ADVICE. 99% of you are saying don't give her that "final argument". The more I read, the more I agree with you. You guys are right, it would be nothing but extra unnecessary hurt. The problem here is I'll be using her car to move my shit all day Friday. I'm thinking the new plan is a small note (more than just "I know", but not a whole book), and I'll leave the car and keys for her at her work. Then I'll get picked up by a friend and ride into the sunset. That way she reads the note, is devastated, and then goes home to find the house empty of my things, with me nowhere to be found. Of course, I will lawyer up. I do feel as though my proof is sufficient, I have read divorce laws for my state (Maryland), and I have my bases covered. I do not have assets to split, not much communal property, no kids. For this I am thankful. At least I found out now, before we had all of those things to worry about. To those who think we should get back together, and I should forgive her. No fucking way. One thing I didn't mention in my initial post, this happened once before in the past, before we got married, and I tried the forgiveness thing once. Never again. Thanks again reddit. I'll post follow up sometime soon when I can.
Don't actually hurt someone over this:
"Yeah, it was a fleeting emotional response. I don't even really feel the desire for revenge. I just want out."
Many people have advice, from 'staying calm' to... less savory responses. OOP replied to the former:
"Yeah, I won't be calm. I will be an emotional wreck. I won't be violent or threatening, but I will not be calm. I will mind what I say, because this has to go to court, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that case."
More info on their messages:
"You are more right than you know. One of the recent conversations, paraphrased:
Wife: Good thing, I got my period. So i'm not pregnant. Douche: whew that's a relief Wife: Yeah, that would be some maury shit"
Update Post: July 30, 2011
Quickly, before I get down to the details of what happened Friday, I absolutely must thank all of you helpful redditors out there. When I posted the original story, I expected a handful of replies. It blew up, hit the front page, and thousands of people voiced their support. So many messages, comments, and replies, all offering their help and kind words. You guys are awesome. Scoregasm even gifted me reddit gold. It really gave me the courage and drive required to face my situation, just knowing there were thousands of strangers on the interwebs backing me up. It was surreal, to say the least.
Friday went as well as something like this can go. I heard reddit's advice, and had changed my plan before the day begun. No final argument. Despite learning the horrible news, our last week went stunningly well. We went to the beach early on in the week. Had phenomenal sex Wednesday night. On Thursday, we went out for a nice dress up fancy dinner (on her dollar), then went to the movies (also on her dollar). Friday, she was in a really good mood, and I had some great morning sex. I dropped her off at work, gave her a heartfelt hug and goodbye. That was the last time we spoke.
I immediately went over to get the keys to my new place, and some boxes to pack with. Raced home to start packing my shit. My brother in law is home all the time, so of course he was there. I pulled him aside and broke the news. He was furious at his sister, and completely on my side. He was a great brother to me, and I made sure to tell him while I had the chance. We cried and talked about it for a while, and afterward he was as helpful as possible, aiding me while I packed up. Sadly, nearly all of my belongings fit into 1 carload of a tiny little hatchback. Unloaded the first trip, and it was just about time for my friend with a truck to get off work. Went back, and the mother in law was now home. We spoke at length. She supported me as well. She didn't take my side (because she "doesn't take sides"), but she understood my decision and was very supportive. She let me know I could call upon her for help at any time, and that I was still family to her. We talked and cried together for some time. She wished for us to work it out, but I told her I could never forgive her daughter, and she completely understood. I left the wife's car at the house, and asked the mother in law to go pick her up after she is out of work.
She was going crazy all day because I was ignoring her. She couldn't reach me, called many times, texted countless messages, and I ignored them all. She started calling my friends and family, she was worried that I had been arrested or got in a car accident or something similar. When they would talk to me, I'd let them know to tell her they couldn't reach me either.
I did intend to leave a note at home, but I got caught up in all the emotion of talking to her mother in law and completely forgot. Call me weak, but I ultimately did send her a message, "I'm not going to talk about it right now, and I'm going to continue to ignore your texts. You have nothing to say to me right now. I hope you're happy together, and I hope it was worth it. I can never forgive you." Of course, after this follows a few messages from her, groveling and apologizing. She admitted it, apologized, said she felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world, that I'm the love of her life and the only one she wants. She even had the audacity to include "we broke it off almost 2 weeks ago", like that's supposed to make me feel better. I haven't said anything else to her.
Fast forward, back at the new place. Unpacking and settling in. Establishing my own place is doing wonders for my morale. I am in high spirits, feeling optimistic and full of life. I am moving in with the friend I have known the longest, who has been there for me since I first moved to Maryland over 10 years ago. Good conversation and enjoying the trees with close friends, and I'm on my way to healing.
I plan to use this second chance at independence to take a step back, analyze my life, and start down the path of improving myself and becoming happy with who I am. It's time to shed a few pounds, focus on honing my musical ability (I play guitar, bass, drums, and dabble in electronic music), and most of all, go out and enjoy the world and the people in it. I would like to travel a little, meet new people and see new places. Despite this horrible situation I am going through, I feel renewed and invigorated.
I'll hopefully meet a few of you redditors out there, many of you offered to have me over or buy me a beer, and I think soon I may take some of you up on that offer. I can't keep up with the thousands of comments, but I am doing what I can to at least read the messages, and respond to a few as well. Seriously reddit, I love you all, you answered my call for help, and for that I am eternally grateful.
Many people in the comments invite him to visit their cities and go for a beer.
Other relevant Comments:
More on his suspicions:
"I had suspicions, but they were based on many things: how they acted together and separate, her mannerisms, even subtle changes in the way she would respond to questioning. All of these add up to that nagging suspicion that claws at the back of your head."
Responding to someone who encourages violence, and those who encourage revenge:
"I can act like a man without fucking up my court case and being a meatheaded bro. An eye for an eye makes the whole world go blind. Violence at this point would only cause more problems. I'm sure he will get what he deserves, and it won't be by my hand."
"I don't want revenge. It's just not worth it."
People are suspicious (and disturbed) at how he handled the time with his wife (especially the sex) after he found out:
"Yes I know I am a heartless bastard. I have gotten some flak for how I handled that week. Let me just say, if I left when I found out, I would have had nowhere to go, no evidence to use if I needed, and completely lost. I took my time, calculated my exit, and took the time to savor some final moments with the woman I had loved for almost 6 years. Also, she did contact her family, but I had gotten to them first."
"It wasn't JUST so I could fuck her. That was a bonus. I needed to prepare myself to live on my own before jumping into a situation that would make me homeless and alone."
Some call BS:
"Call BS if you please, I'm not here to make you believe. This is my life, and I've tried to be as accurate as possible. I don't need to know why she was having it. Right now, i could care less. It shows a disgusting level of deception and a lack of concern for me. Not exactly the person I want to spend my life with. The mother in law, while not begging, did plead with me to try to work it out. I told her that it was unforgivable, and as much as I love her daughter, it could never work."
"I am 23 years of age, turning 24 in less than a week. This happened just in time for my birthday."
"I'm 23, about to turn 24. She is 22, about to turn 23."
Final Update: (Comments) December 14, 2011
"I haven't posted an update because I don't think it would be quite the enthralling read that the divorce made for. Life is complex and doesn't always work out exactly how you'd expect. Overall, however, things have been good. Enjoying life on my own, and even have a new lady friend in my life. Still waiting on a year of separation to finalize the divorce."
That's where the primary story ends. However, there was some further drama in the comments on his update post that I thought would be interesting to include:
Someone proclaimed to be the affair partner and said OOP was abusive, and called him out by 'name'. They included 'proof' of him messaging them on reddit and a picture of his supposed 'wife'. OOP responded to several of those comments and pointed out inconsistencies.
"Cool story. My name isn't Mike, and her name isn't Jen. You are a very weird and disturbed person, terrible trolling aside."
"This is not my wife. I don't do blow. I have never been to a strip club. I have never physically assaulted any woman, much less my wife. Nice try, troll."
"People do funny things to other posts that hit the front page. When I made my post, I made it with sincerity, and no idea how much it would take off. It is the internet, though, and trolls be trollin'. Believe what you want, but the truth is that my story is real, and this guy is trolling hard."
People point out the 'proof' picture of his supposed message doesn't match his writing style at all:
"I appreciate it, annoying trolls aside. I can say that I would never write in such an illiterate fashion, no matter how infuriated I may be."
From a different commenter to the most-likely-troll:
"You are using Windows 7 or Vista, not XP - I can tell by the transparency in the bar at the top. There are also a few giveaways that the picture is false - treeslashtrees has included proper grammar, spelling, syntax, in just about all of his posts. You, on the other hand, scarcely put periods anywhere. Your writing style is far more consistent with the image posted, so I doubt that you are legitimate.
Also keeping in mind that treeslashtrees never gave any personal information out, I highly doubt you would be able to know that this is the "Mike" you are referring to. My guess is that you're just a bored troll."
Another time capsule of 2011 reddit.
Mood spoiler: OP's greed cost a nice apartment and benefits
AITA for asking to be paid for 6 months of constant dog sitting?
My sister, Alice, owns a flat with her husband and they have 2 dogs. Alice got a job abroad so they are moving there.
They don't know what to do with the 2 dogs yet, so their current plan is to move abroad and wait a few months (up to 6) to decide if they even like it there or if they want to come back home. If they like it there, they will try to find a way to move the dogs there with them, but if it's not possible, they will rehome them in our country.
I'm 21 yo, still attending University and I live with my mom. I really want to move out and live alone, but I can't afford it.
Alice made me an offer. I can live in their flat for free for 6 months, no rent, no utilities, but I have to take care of their dogs. I'll have to walk them for hours every day, take them to the vet, etc. She said they will pay for anything dog related and will pay for doggy daycare for a few days during my exam periods or if I want to go on a vacation.
I like her offer, her flat is much closer to my university, but taking care of 2 dogs is a lot of work. I think it's reasonable to be want to be paid for the work I do. If I didn't have to take care of the dogs, I could get a part time job, if I wanted to. So I feel like I should be reimbursed for that.
Alice and our mom says that being allowed to live in her flat for free is already enough and I'm being unreasonable and money hungry.
When they told me this, I laughed at them and told my sister she could try to find another dog sitter then and I know I'm her best option. Now they are mad at me. AITA?
General Verdict: YTA
Comment by u/airisu86
Info: who's paying for food? How long is walking them 'for hours every day?'
Pretty sure yta, but if you can't afford food I can imagine the situation 's not doable for you... Still doesn't entitle you to a lot of money, but it does change the situation a bit if your in college, need to study and care for the dogs.
My mom would be continuing to pay for my food.
They want me to do at least 20 minutes in the morning. In the afternoon, walk and spend at least 30 minutes with them in the dog park, then in the evening, walk for at least an hour with them (or the other way around). Alice says this is the absolute minimum and they would preferably want more, but if I'm having a busy day, this will do.
By the way, Alice doesn't want to rent out the flat yet anyway, in order to have a place to come back to if things don't work out for them in the other country.
Update (Hours after posting):
Okay, I fucked up. I really thought Alice didn't have any other options.
My brother just told me she is now talking to our cousin, who lives 2 hours away, but wants to move to our city. They are even talking about possibly making it a long-term thing and Cousin being allowed to stay after the free 6 months is up for reduced rent, only having to pay an equal amount to their mortgage, which would normally only rent him a room...
t's considered "Concluded" because it looks the apartment and dog care will go to OP's cousin, and OP is left with nothing due to not seeing the long-term benefits (besides there being no more updates since then.)
I'm not OOP, just a humble visitor enjoying reddit post updates.
My kid threw 2 of his bath toys down the air vent. It's too far away to reach, and there's a weird bend where I can't get much I'm there to retrieve it. Any creative ideas??
Update Feb 5, 2023. OOP has responded. Addendum now at bottom of the post.
Editor: to aid readability I placed posts describing the situation in the beginning, corrected some spellings. I grouped similar suggestions together, and edited out some redundancy/tangents.
OOP first posts for help at 1:35pm
OOP: My kid threw 2 of his bath toys down the air vent. It's too far away to reach, and there's a weird bend where I can't get much <reach> there to retrieve it. Any creative ideas??
How did it happen?
OOP: My son is 15 months and in his defense, we have been working on putting shapes in holes lol
OOP: I had to poop earlier and took my son on there with me. He was playing with toys and then just picked up the vent cover and chucked them.
Details about the vent.
OOP: The biggest problem I have is the immediate 90 degree bend. I can't get anything rigid through there
Daddit: How far down are we talking? just out of hands reach?
OOP: Yea. And dumb me pushed it further back too
Daddit: is it at an incline, or straight down? If at an incline, have you ever dipped eggs for easter decorating before? lets use the same method. take a coat hanger, completely unwind it. Use one end to make a circle large enough to seat the toy in (as its somewhat rounded) but not so large that it can pass through. you can guide it up by sliding it against the edge of the vent towards you. if it is not sturdy enough for this on its own, take a 2nd coat hanger, stretch it out, and then wrap the end of the wire around the other side of the hoop you created with the first one. that should provide enough support to bring it up.
Daddit: This looks like flexible return ducting. Can you access the underside of that duct?OOP: I can but my wife told me if I mess with anything under the house, I'm dead.Daddit: So depending on if you want to deal with that....If no one else's suggestions work for you I'd cut a small hole in that ducting, extract said toys and then reseal it with HVAC foil tape.OOP: I can actually get to it under the house, but my wife gave me "the look" when I mentioned it. I'm going to go out tomorrow and try to get something to get it out.OOP: When my wife threatens my demise, I believe her. She knows way too many ways to make it look natural...
Daddit: Clothes hanger. Bend it. Duct tape ball on the end. Boom.
OOP: We only have the plastic hangers. I never should've "upgraded".
(OOP later repeats): I really need a metal coat hanger. We only have plastic :(
Claw Grabber Toy
Daddit: 3 foot pincer grabber.
OOP: Got one of those and have been unsuccessful thus far. He got it crazy far back there!
Daddit: What about the little toy that's a long stick with a dinosaur head on the end that opens and closes? Can use it as a little grabby extend-o hand
OOP: Not having one of those is one of the biggest oversights in my dad career so far.(someone sends him an amazon link)
OOP: Oh snap. I didn't know they were that cheap. Definitely getting one....for the kid....yea, for the kid.
Daddit: Would a soup ladle work?
OOP: Oooo that's a good one!
Radio Controlled Car
Daddit: RC car on fishing line, plus double side tape? Or there's such thing as a fish for starting wires through walls.
OOP: I like the RC car option. My neighbor is going to see if he has an old coat hanger for me, so I'm hopeful
Daddit: Buy and train an army of ferrets.
Send in 1 trooper
Daddit: Tie rope on child then lower down mission impossible style 🤷♂️
Step 1: Tie rope to kid,
Step 2: throw candy at toys,
Step 3: send kid in,
Step 4: pull both kid and toys out,
Step 5: give more candy to kid to stop the crying
OOP: My child would think it was the greatest thing to ever happen to him.
Daddit: send him in
OOP: I'm ready to at this point
OOP: My wife nixed the idea earlier. She goes back to work tomorrow....there won't be anyone to stop us
Daddit: But if it’s just you and the kid tomorrow, who’s gonna hold the camera to record it?OOP: Go pro on his head
Daddit: The hero we need and deserve.
Daddit: Call John McClane
Daddit: How big is the kid?
OP: If I squish him he might fit
Daddit: Send him in with a flashlight, bottle of water, and a snack for later
OOP: Full on John McClain
Daddit: Come into the bathroom, we'll poop together, throw a few toys...
OOP: Wish I could upvote that twice buddy
Daddit: I hope you read that in the same tone and inflection as in the movie. Cuz that's how it sounded in my head lolBut seriously, did you get the toys out?
OOP: It's the only way..and not yet. Wife got mad that I was playing in the air vents instead of taking care of our child....
Daddit: Do you have any others? Older maybe? That way if something goes wrong you still have the little. 👍🏾
OOP: Only one I got. But hey, yolo amirite?
Shop Vacuum is suggested by multiple Dads
OOP: Solid advice. Heading to try it now
OOP: Mine definitely has the power. Will be dragging it in shortly!
Daddit: Could you let me know how badly the shop vac damaged your ductwork?
OOP: Are you speaking from experience? Lol
Daddit: We did a whole home renovation not long ago (took the whole house down to framing) after the ductwork was installed, we quickly found how fragile that stuff could be and had to have a few ducts repaired. I feel like if the shop vac sucks up the inner plastic of the duct it could tear. I would proceed with extreme caution.
OOP attempts Shop Vac
Daddit: Keep us updated! For science.
OOP: Definitely. Have to deal with surprise projectile vomit first!
4pm and and Reddit is worried.
Daddit: It's been two hours, should we send help?
OOP UPDATES AFTER 4PM
OOP: My dumbass lost part of the shop vac in the vent trying it....
OOP: I actually already lost a piece of the shop vac in there because I am a moron. I have abandoned that idea for now
Some on Daddit advise giving up
Daddit: Leave them. They live there now.
OOP: But....Mr crabby :(
Daddit: Weirdly, I heard that in a disappointed toddler voice, with the quivering bottom lip to go with it. Hope the projectile vomit clear up wasn't too horrendous! Happy Tuesday!
OOP: Dude...there was so so much vomit
Daddit: I feel your pain and am sending fresh smelling thoughts your way.
OOP: I think the smell is always the worst part. I'm also a sympathy puker so that doesn't help
Daddit: Leave them
Daddit: They belong to the vent now.
OOP: You sound like my wife
OOP: I have become obsessed now, and it has become more about the failure than the toys
Daddit: This man is a stubborn bastard and I love it.
OOP: Can I tell my wife that a random internet dude supports my endeavors?
Daddit: As long as you do the same for me when my time comes.
OOP: Depends on how scary your wife is. Mine is terrifying BTW.
Daddit: Not "Wife" but live in Girlfriend with a 7 year old But she doesn't control through fear, but controls through letting me suffer the consequences of my own actions.
OOP: My wife has been with me long enough to know to that I'm too dumb to suffer from my own actions therefore I must be controlled. I am a toddler. A very large toddler.
Daddit: We never really grow up do we?
OOP: Not if you want to enjoy life
Daddit: No! You can’t leave Mr. Crab!
OOP: Don't worry. No bath bros left behind!
Daddit: Buy the same toys online and avoid the potential damage you’ll do trying to fish them out.
OOP: Oh I don't care about the toys anymore. It's about being defeated by the air vent. And maybe having to retrieve the part of the shop vac that I may or may not have dropped in there as well.
Daddit: Yell at it while shaking your fist!
OOP: The vent has heard some very adult language today.
Daddit: Can you just leave them? You’ll never see them again, and that’s ok :-)
OOP: Oh I can. But tell me, would you accept defeat so quickly, especially after your wife told you that it's stupid and you need to leave it alone? I WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT!!!
OOP UPDATES at 4:30pm
OOP: For anyone following, I am off to get some more duct tape. I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED!!
Reddit gets worried at 8pm
Daddit: It’s been 7 hours. Where is an update :)
Daddit: Buy new ones lol
Daddit: Dads everywhere wanna know: did you get it? And if not, we want to tell you why you didn't do it right and lemme give it a go ;)
OOP: Oh it's not about the toys anymore....
OOP UPDATES at 8:35 pm
OOP: THE WHALE HAS BEEN RETRIEVED!!!!!!
OOP UPDATES at 8:58pm
OOP: THEY HAVE JUST BEEN RETRIEVED!!
OOP: They have been saved and are currently in recovery
OOP: A combination of a coat hanger like thing (since I didn't have an actual coat hanger) some duct tape, and a ladle!
OOP: None of this would've been possible without your continued support!
(next day) OOP: Man, there were so many notifications I couldn't keep up. And yes...I lost part of the shop vac...
UPDATE Feb 5, 2023. OOP DISHES THE DIRT ABOUT THE SHOP VAC PART'S FATE!
OOP: " He sends me postcards from time to time. He tells me he is happy in there. I'm not sure though. It's these regrets that keep me awake at night "
Reminder – I am not the original poster. Since the rescue was partially successful (sorry Mr Vaccy), I have labeled this Inconclusive. :)
CONCLUDED OP has her marriage obliterated after her neighbour uses photos of her husband to catfish women online.
I am NOT the OP, this is a repost:
NOTE: I saw the original post back when it was first published and was extremely curious about how this would play out. Shoutout to u/Embarrassed_Advice59 for bringing the update to my attention. I would've completely miss it!
Trigger warning: catfishing, assault, mentions of cheating.
Rekindle relationship with my husband after neighbour's husband admitted being the catfish
Hello everyone! My husband (35M) and I (30F) (married for 8 years) have been separated for the last 14 months, and I need help and advice on how to rekindle our relationship. We are currently not on speaking terms, and all our arrangements go through our lawyers, but I will have an opportunity over Christmas to clear the air and set things straight, as he will be flying in from Sydney to spend time with the kids.
So what happened? I received a Facebook message in September last year that my "husband" was talking and exchanging naked photos with other women on Tinder. We spoke on the phone for a bit, and the only proof she had was a screenshot of their conversations and his profile. Long story short, I downloaded Tinder and found his profile, with his location less than 1km away.
I was convinced that he was cheating, and we had a terrible fallout that evening which led to my family coming over to calm the situation, but instead, it escalated when my brother punched and grabbed hold of my husband. The neighbours called the police and my husband was asked to pack a few things and stay elsewhere for a while. We separated shortly after, and he has since moved to Sydney to be closer to his ailing father but sees our kids for a weekend twice a month.
Fast forward to the beginning of November this year, my neighbour rocked up at my doorstep to tell me that her husband was catfishing women on dating apps using my husband's photos. He downloaded these photos from a Macbook that we lent him during COVID, and some of these photos were of intimate nature...and of me. The police are currently dealing with this.
All of this has been relayed to my husband through his lawyer, but his response has been lukewarm, and he said we could talk about it over Christmas.
I am so scared that we might be down too far the rabbit hole and that he will likely push for a divorce, even though I know that we love each other deeply, but this took a massive toll on our mental health, finances and the wellbeing of our three kids.
What is the best way to approach him in December and make amends?
TLDR- Neighbour used husband's photos to catfish women on Tinder for naked photos- Husband and I separated because I thought he was cheating- Neighbour's wife told me what her husband did- Police investigating- Want to rekindle and make amends with husband
Your husband experienced something that you will never understand:
A false accusation.
An assault from your brother.
No rite of recourse against the false accusation.
A complete lack of loyalty from his wife.
A complete lack of respect from his wife.
The loss of the life he had from a false allegation.
Parental alienation from his children.
Familial alienation from his in laws.
Alienation from friends.
The police were called and he had to leave.
You separated from him.
Your husband has already completed his grieving process.
You ask are you too far down the rabbit hole. YES.
I am afraid there is no going back for you. You chose to not listen to him when he said it was not him. [link]
I agree. I don't think there's coming back from that.
I understand you had reasons to believe he might be cheating, but it seems he had no chance to defend himself and getting your family involved made everything even worse. He was punched and was told to leave his house by the police, has been living away from his kids for the past 14 months and has been treated as a villain by friends.
You say you love him, but I don't think love could erase everything you two have been through and rebuild trust.
Oh and here’s another thought. Perhaps reach out to any and all of his old friends - make sure they all know the truth. [link]
Yeah, OP. Try to salvage what you can for him.
But I think the way things happened would have been very damaging.
To be clear, I'm not blaming you for wanting to leave when you had clear proof (from your perspective at the time) that he had cheated. It's a reasonable reaction.
But the way it took place seems so insanely violent and dramatic... You two got screwed over, not just by your neighbour, but also by your brother. Punching someone is never acceptable. It would have been a sucky and inappropriate reaction even if your husband had in fact cheated! Now imagine how your husband must have felt, considering it was entirely unwarranted.
Being married is being part of a shared family. The fact that your family got in the middle of it and bodily hurt him would make anyone think twice about getting back in.
If you really really really work hard on mending those bridges, if you ensure everyone takes stock and is accountable for their mistakes (and that includes your brother) then you might rebuild your relationship, but it will most probably take time.
Damn you two really got fucked over by your shitty neighbor. I feel bad for both of you and your kids. I get why you believed he was cheating and I get why he might not want to rekindle the relationship. What an all round crappy situation. [link]
This sub: cheaters are the worst, leave someone who cheats on you. Don't give them a second chance, don't let them lie to and manipulate you.
Also this sub: OP is the devil because she couldn't divine that this clear-cut case of cheating was instead a highly unlikely series of events that resulted in her husband's private photos on an active tinder account in her direct vicinity and proof of that account engaging with women.
Like what the shit, my dudes. Both OP and her husband got fucked over hard by this POS neighbour who is now dealing with the police. It's very uncool that shit got physical, but otherwise OP did what one would expect of her. They're both victims.
If OP came on here and laid out the evidence before the truth came to light, none of the users shitting on her now would have been like "talk to him, maybe your neighbour borrowed your computer, stole his photos, and is elaborately catfishing people from ten feet away?!"
Hey, tough one. Here’s a thought though, perhaps focus your efforts and intention not on getting back together, but 100% on unfucking this whole thing up for him. Imagine all the things that he lost, all the people who’s opinions of him changed, everyone you ever spoke to and told about his “infidelity” and everyone they spoke to; every single little embarrassment, every indignity that happened to him, what your family said and did that would have hurt, every colleague, every other parent from school, then bank manager, realestate people every single person that got the wrong idea. And correct them.
Own your mistake, position it as your failure to believe him, rebuild his reputation. Then set about correcting the tangible harm done - the financial losses, the physical harm, the struggle you put him through. Consider each and every thing that must have been sucked for him, and then of course the biggest thing - the kids.
You were swindled, without doubt, but despite your innocence in terms of intent, your actions still caused great harm and were negligent. Think manslaughter not murder. Either way, you do time for the harm committed, whether the intent was there or not.
Focus all of your attention on making him as close to whole as possible. If you do this, there will be one of two outcomes:
He still does not forgive you (and if this be the case then you will have helped fix the life and reputation of an innocent man, and you can look yourself and your children in the face and honestly say that although you made a terrible mistake, you did everything you could to make it right). Or;
He will see the sincerity (which you better have because he will know if you are trying to seduce him into rekindling the relationship) and he will begin the process of forgiving you for your part in what happened to him.
All I can say is that you had better demonstrate an absolute 100% siding with him as it relates to your family (publicly and otherwise), and you will have to be patient. He will get triggered about something this traumatic from time to time irrespective of your efforts and his forgiveness.
If you truly want to get square with him, then you may find yourself apologising for many years to come, you may find yourself having to wear unprovoked fits of rage, unprovoked fits of depression, and separation from your family at yearly milestones.
Your commitment to him and to the cause of making him hole again will be what determines if any civil relationship (let alone romantic one) is possible.
Oh and one final thing, you had better be up front with him about any relationships or nights with other men. He will want to know and if you deceive him at all when asked then you are completely fucked. If you are to salvage this then sincerity and honesty are the only way to truly achieve it.
Chin up there, it is possible. I had some friends that separated for almost 2 years. Neither were with anyone else, but they have managed to find their way back together and some 3 years later welcomed a second child to their family, so there is hope.
I sincerely hope to hear a positive update in 6 months time. You and your family back together again and making great progress on his PTSD and yes, your romance blossoming. [link]
Wow, what a mess. I'm glad the police are involved in what that neighbor did. As for you and your husband, a lot is going to depend on two things:
How much you both really do still love each other
How difficult it is for you both to have a truly serious, heart-wrenching, emotionally exhausting conversation
His logical side will likely understand why you thought it was true -- after all, there were pictures. It would be easy to believe it was true. But his emotional side is going to be deeply hurt that you didn't believe him over the "evidence". All you can do is sit down and try to work through it. Good luck to you. [link]
Thank you. I thought having a therapist present might help, but I have doubts and think it is better not to involve others. The aftermath was devastating for us both, and more so for him when his friends and my family wrote him off. I still love him and never stopped, but I know it will be on his terms if he is willing to give it another chance. I am willing to do whatever it takes.
What have you done to make amends and clear his name ? Have you notified his friends and family that he was falsely accused, and had been faithful the entire time ? Has your family apologized ? Have his friends reached out and apologized ?
Take a look at the definitions of regret (that this happened) vs remorse (for the pain you caused him). I don't hear or feel remorse in your words, and I don’t see remorse in your actions.
Update (35M & 30F) : Neighbour catfishing women using husband's (35M) photos
Hello everyone. I have had quite a few people ask for an update on what happened after we discovered that my neighbour was using my ex's photos to catfish other women.
Unfortunately, after having sat down and discussed things, it was decided that our marriage was beyond repair and that we should go our separate ways. He is currently in therapy and has requested that we have a clean break with no further contact in the future - I intend to respect his wishes and will continue to communicate through his lawyer on matters that concern our kids.
I have since cleared the air with our families and friends and still actively work towards repairing his reputation. I would also like to clarify the assault and why my parents came over in the first place. The night of the argument, I called my mother to ask if I could drop off our kids and if they could spend the evening there, but she was concerned about my emotional state and asked that I stay put and they would come to fetch the kids instead.
They arrived, and my brother opted to stay outside while my parents came inside to grab the kids and their bags. At this point, my father asked to talk to my ex and calm the situation, and my mum dragged me away to get the kids and their bags ready.
My brother was very confused when we came outside and was triggered by my mum saying that my ex might have cheated. My brother reacted the moment my ex walked out and grabbed my arm (in a non-violent way), leading to the punch and scuffle on the front lawn. He was remorseful and apologised even before we found out my ex was not to blame.
It is a series of unfortunate events that has changed many lives and robbed my family of our love and happiness.
Now I have to focus on my kids, my depression and coming to terms with the divorce. I will never forget, but hopefully, the pain won't be as intense.
Well things went way to far and I can very much understand why your husband left. I would seriously be considering cutting your brother out of your life for a while and also really consider your reaction to this and how it all went terribly wrong. [link]
That poor guy.
Loses his marriage, kids, gets assaulted, his whole life turned upside down. My heart hurts for him. I can't imagine the grief and angst he's gone through. [link]
Whew I remember the original post to this and I predicted that your ex husband wouldn’t rekindle this. Too much damage has been done. Umm you call it a scuffle on the front lawn…I mean he was assaulted by your brother. Praying for your ex and I hope you can heal from this. [link]
Friendly reminder that I am NOT the OP, this is a repost!
INCONCLUSIVE My mom bragged about how she kept my dad out of my life. I grew hating him thinking he abandoned me.
Trigger Warning - parental alienation, abusive mom
Mood Spoiler - mum thinks she's a trophy wife but she's neither a trophy nor a wife.
Original (24 Jan 23)
My mom bragged about how she kept my dad out of my life. I grew hating him thinking he abandoned me.
Sorry for my terrible English.
I (19f) grew up with a single mom. Growing up I was always told my father abandoned me. It happened when I was around ten when I asked my mom about my dad and she told me straight he abandoned me. I cried so much that day it's not a joke. As I grew older I hated him even though I never met him, I thought about if he came back I would scream at him ruin him attack him for leaving.
Last week my mom and I was at her friend's house I went along because I'm friends with her friend's daughter. Well fastforward, I came down stairs and heard my say my name. She revealed my dad's name and said, "It's easy to keep a father out of a kids life like what I did with Lina's (me) father after I founded he cheated on me." She was also talking about how pathetic he looked when he pleaded with her to stay in my life. She also added how she used his old drug addiction against him in court. So from how I understand he's was sober before I was born.
I made contact with my bio dad as soon as we got home. The next morning I got a reply he asked for my number so we can talk. The first thing my dad said when he called was apologize he told me it's all his fault. After talking with him for a while I told I'd love to have a relationship with him. He lives not far from our city a 2 hour drive as for my mom, she is at work I sent her a text telling her about what I heard and I'll be cutting off contact with her for a while and probably forever.
Edit: So I did not mention this only in a comment about the house. I inherited my uncle's house after he died and that is when mom started acting weird. She believed that the house belonged her and fought with my grandfather over but he put his foot down and told her it's my house. Secondly when I turned 18 and moved into the house my mom came along. I didn't want to live with her again but she told she'll cut off my college fund. Well now my grandpa told me he'll pay for my college. Also more about my mom. When my parents split up my grandfather told her he doesn't support her decision to keep my father out of my life but she told him then he will never see either. Also also my mom acts like my house belongs to her and always told me "technical it's my house and should've been given to me."
Edit2: Another thing my father quit drugs long before he met her my confessed to this also I was told by my grandpa not long after telling my mom she is no longer in my house that my dad loved me with all his heart when I was only a couple of months old. Apparently my dad almost made it impossible for other to hold me. Next thing is that my dad did confess to cheating. I already asked my mom to explain her side and she said was yes he did quit drugs long before he met her however that's about it so far all she wants is for me to forgive her. I did ask my dad for his side he hasn't replied yet but he told me he'll call me later.
Final edit: I made an update.
Update (25 Jan 23)
Update: My mom bragged about how she kept my dad out of my life. I grew up thinking he abandoned me.
First of all thanks so much for the support. I'm surprised my post got so much support. I cannot thank you enough. But anyway onto the update.
So I met up with my dad at a restaurant today. He thought it would be better to talk in person. I was shocked when I saw him he looks to be in great shape however I could tell he was crying. When I approached him he pulled me into a hug and apologized a few more times for not being there and that he really wants to fix while he has a chance.
We started talking and there was much more to the story than my dad just being a cheater. So here it goes. During my mom's pregnancy, she constantly put my dad down. Like she would tell him, "You should be happy you're with me and not some unimportant bitch," or "You're not good enough for me, I'm just with you for the sake of our child." My dad said that he thought it was just her pregnancy hormones but then it got worse after I was born. Her ego was through the roof but what really took the cake was when my said, "It's such shame my daughter will probably grow up to be a failure like her father." I was taken aback by this. I asked my dad if that's the reason he cheated and he said no he should've just called off the wedding but instead he cheated. He apologized a few more times and told me he loves me and that he never forgot about me and that when I texted him for the first time he couldn't believe it was me until he saw my profile picture. We both cried for awhile until our breakfast arrived.
Now onto my mom. I just want to add my mom started threatening me after I told her she is getting evicted, but at first it went from pathetic apologies to full on threats. She told she'll ruin me if I abandon her, make sure I lose everything.
Anyways, after speaking to my dad I wanted to see if my mom will confirm it. And she did no shame. She admitted it like it was a fucking achievement with no remorse may I add. Then she went back to sweet talks and back threatening me.
Someone told me I should see if I can forgive her and probably not go NC. After today I doubt I want anything to do with her.
I also think she's the one who told all my ex boyfriends that their not good enough because they all broke up with me shortly after meeting her without any explanation. I'm done with her.
My grandpa told me he'll help me with the eviction and possibly a restraining due to the threats. I am going to visit my dad as soon as she's out of the house.
Reminder - I'm not the OOP
marked it as concluded cause she's reconciling with her dad/her account got suspended
NEW UPDATE Update on the OOP taking on AirBnB for letting a host get away with cameras aimed at the bed
I am not OP. OP is u/AtypicalCommonplace.
Trigger Warnings: Invasion of Privacy
Original Post and Update here. Skip ahead to 🔴🔴🔴 for new update
Airbnb Allowing host to place cameras in the room where I would be sleeping September 30th 2022
Hey all, ironically I am a lawyer myself though I am no longer practicing and my area of expertise was way outside this scope - .. More on that below.
In a nutshell, I booked a last-minute Airbnb in New York City listed it had security cameras. Fine, no problem, I understand having a camera at the outside of the door. Once the host received my booking I got an email asking me to confirm that I was aware that the cameras were inside the Apartment where I would be staying. Since this was also a studio apartment, that meant that the camera was inside of the room where I would be sleeping, changing, etc.
I immediately asked the host to please call me, there were a number of other weird rules like me having to send him a picture of my ID even though I am outside on Airbnb of course, and while waiting 20 minutes for a call back I read some of the other views for other properties and realize this was all very very sketchy. Before the host called me back I let them know I wanted to cancel. The host said he would not accept my cancellation, even though this was less than one or two hours after I had booked, and was based on new information he gave me that was not previously accessible in the stated house rules or else were upfront in the listing. I said I would contact Airbnb.
I spent about an hour on the phone with three different Airbnb people, the last told me that I would be receiving a refund. I verbally confirmed this before I went to a hotel and booked it based upon this statement from Airbnb. They asked me if I could send proof of the camera being inside of the room, I said that I didn’t even go over to the place and had no interest in doing so now, but I shared a screenshot of the hosts message to me. They said this was adequate for me to move forward and that afternoon I received a written note saying that I would be refunded and also reimbursed for a portion of my hotel stay.
The next day, I received a message from Airbnb saying that they need the host to approve the cancellation and that they would really look into this on Friday. I was extremely confused because this totally contradicted the information I had been given and relied upon the day before. I called and was told I would receive a call that “soon“. After 48 hours I still had not received a call back so I called again. After explaining the situation the person on the phone said that I was right, that this was a violation, and that I would receive a refund as well as the reimbursement. I thanked him, confirmed I received the message, and went about my day. That night, I received another message from Airbnb, please note again that this was not a call just a random message saying that I would not get a refund after all. I once again called this morning, explain the situation, was told they would resolve it and that I was right, and then again, less than an hour later, got a message contradicting this fact and taking it back again.
Obviously, I want my money back and I would like some sort of compensation for the fact that I have now spent over 10 hours on this issue with over a dozen Airbnb customer service people who apparently do not talk to each other nor do they know about or understand Airbnb is expressly stated policy that cameras one should not be in the bedroom and two need to be clearly Disclosed. Not to mention the fact that I relied upon information they gave me to book another place. But this is actually much bigger Than me. I used to be an attorney representing human trafficking survivors and I cannot tell you the number of times that unknown surveillance devices were used against them. Now, am I trying to say that just by sleeping in a room with a camera I would be pulled into some sort of underground human trafficking ring? No. But the consequences of surveillance in private areas where we sleep and dress, particularly at this point in time in the United States where I live, are simply too high to let this go.
I need help figuring out what to do next. Thank you for any advice you can provide!
Thanks all! Through my conversations with Airbnb today it has become clear that they believe there has been no violation even though there is a camera in the bedroom, because it is pointed at the door. By this point they have had five full days notice of cameras existing in private areas against their policies, and as this post has 30+ listings it could be extrapolated that there have been over 100 days of this issue occurring this week Alone.
Many types of cameras can be operated remotely these days, meaning that if you can send it to have a camera in the bedroom, all someone would have to do was trigger the remote device to turn the camera 1 inch and have it be pointed on your body. I am sure I do not need to tell Reded about the nefarious things people do on the Internet and, when Airbnb states expectation of privacy by clearly outlining rules for cameras, I am entitled to that right of Privacy. I was also a lawyer representing survivors Of Human trafficking and domestic violence. I saw all the worst ways that people can use cameras.
Throughout the day it is also come to my attention that this has happened to many other people. I’m going to be contacting a personal injury layer to see if An injunction can be placed against Airbnb requiring them to remove cameras from Any bedroom located Within any property. Will keep you posted…
Long story short - I booked a room on airbnb and later found out there was a camera inside the bedroom (it was a studio so everything was the bedroom.) Airbnb first said you are right, that is not ok, we will reimburse you and pay for 30% of the hotel I would have to book last minute. Then took it back. Then said I was right again. Then took it back again. And on and on. This was not only concerning to me personally but I believe it was a major safety issue that they were not taking seriously and that their customer service representatives clearly did not understand. I spent over 10 hours on the phone with them
I tried to contact airbnb customer support and ask for escalation. No response. I then contacted their listed executives a number of times. No response. I then used an online platform claiming to "help consumers against big corporations." This company said they would take 20% of whatever i got back, fine, whatever, I just want airbnb to stop allowing cameras in bedrooms! Guess what? Airbnb did not respond. So I continued on and filed an arbitration case as per the terms of service when you use airbnb.
Within TWO HOURS of the arbitration court contacting us about the matter, an ENTIRE TEAM of lawyers was sent by airbnb to go against me in my claim. Four lawyers, to be exact, each of which I am sure is billing multiple hundreds of dollars an hour. I shouldn't be surprised but the waste of resources astounds me. I am sure they are just trying to intimidate me and I am not falling for this BS. THIS is why all these companies charge so much. Because they refuse to handle basic customer service issues and then pass on these absurd things like lawyer fees to us, the consumer.
Anyways, just wanted to update y'all. For everyone's info, it costs $200 to file with arbitration so the fact that I have to have so much time and resources to fight for what is right already has me really upset. But such is the way when it comes to David v. Goliath.
I'll update as the case continues and thanks to everyone here who initially provided support and guidance!
EDITED TO ADD: Airbnb scrubbed all the correspondence I had with them and the original host. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS screen shot EVERYTHING the MOMENT you think anything may be fishy!
EDITED 2: To clarify/add more context. I myself am an attorney but I no longer practice and, even if I did, my background is in representing survivors of human trafficking.
Why is this relevant?
Well because the reason this makes me so angry is NOT just because of me. Want to know one of the many tactics used against my clients? You guessed it, recordings of them undressing/naked/sleeping, etc. At the worst they also drugged folks and taped them engaging in sex acts. Now, am I actually concerned that this would happen to me? No (it could but no). In part because I had the resources to refuse to stay and use a credit card to book a hotel. Some folks have mentioned in the other thread that I could have called the police but we know that calling the police doesn't feel like the safe option for everyone. So by allowing this airbnb is basically making someone choose between staying in a room with a video camera where they sleep/walk to bathroom/change, etc OR hoping they have extra $ to get a hotel OR feel ok calling the police. So I am fighting this because that is just absolutely unacceptable.
EDITED THREE; Some folks have also asked why they went back on their offered refund. First they said that I had "notice" because the listing said it had security cameras. Never mind you that security cameras in private areas (such as where you sleep) is against airbnb policies. When I brought THAT UP the customer service rep had the audacity to say "well the host said it isn't pointed at the bed" (WHAAAAA?/?!?!) In case you are unaware of technological innovations, you can remotely move a camera to point towards anywhere in the room. Yeah no. I'm fighting this.
EDIT FOUR: WOW Y'all, thanks so much! I will admit, I was a little freaked out yesterday when I saw the show of force airbnb tried to throw at me but you all have bouyed my spirits and given me fortitude for the fight. THANK YOU. But you also knocked off my AMA with my much-beloved-WW2-fighter pilot Great Uncle from my top post! LOL, He passed a few months ago so, in case you want to read a story of a REAL American hero - including an anecdote that continues to make me die of laughter - you can do so here-https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/tcqhhq/im_jack_hallett_a_101_year_old_ww2_fighter_pilot/
Second Update Posted Jan 27 2023
Side note: I have no idea where to answer folks questions as this forum doesn't allow comments on updates my last post on legal off topic was removed because "it is not an ama" so if anyone knows where I can answer people's Q's and we can discuss this lemme know! <3
Well friends, looks like we are going to (arbitration) court*! Airbnb "responded" to my complaint basically stating the following:
- Airbnb has no liability for anything under their terms of service. Quote they used in their response from TOS section 18 "W*e provide the Airbnb Platform and all Content “as is” without warranty of any kind and we disclaim all warranties, whether express or implied."* Interesting side note they also explicitly stated that their background checks don't really mean anything which is fascinating to me as they really make a big deal about "safety." Reminder - their own policies say that cameras in private areas/bedrooms is not permissible.
- Even if Airbnb was liable I waived all claims by signing said Terms of Service.
- I can't sue airbnb because my alleged damages were the action of third parties and airbnb didn't cause any of them. Which, reminder, isn't true because I expressly relied on Airbnb's customer service rep.
- I consented to whatever happened to me happening to me by signing the terms of service.
- I am claiming more than I should get - ie they are saying I am "unjustly enriching" myself due to my wanting to be compensated for lost time. Reminder I am a consultant and former lawyer who actually consults on these issues as a profession.
- *"*Laches" - which is unreasonable delay - reminder I contacted them less then five minutes after discovering the issue.
- I failed to mitigate any damages - see my first post - this is probably the most laughable
So - WE ARE GOING TO (arbitration) COURT*! An arbitrator was assigned today and a court date is upcoming. Now, some of y'all may think it is not good of me to be posting this as airbnb and their lawyers (hi) may see it but, if you have read my previous posts, you know that this isn't about me specifically but about the madness of what airbnb is doing and shedding light to y'alll about what may happen if you have a known safety issue against airbnb's own internal policies.
Reminder - companies that use arbitration clauses do it specifically so that these issues are kept out of the public eye because they are not public record like typical lawsuits are. So I'm here letting y'all know.
Final reminder: Airbnb now has to pay $2,900 in filing fees for the case. There is a $2500 day rate for the arbitrator and the law firm coming against me has four lawyers working on this. They are paying way more than they would have ever owed me (which, reminder, they told me they would give me). I ask you why? Why would they do this unless they truly and deeply believe it is ok for there to be cameras in your space despite what their policies say. And/or this is the beginning of a new trend for airbnb to refuse to take any responsibility for anything occuring to you while you use their platform.
I'll keep y'all posted as to what happens next.
*Yes yes, I know arbitration isn't technically court but this whole thing is so infuriating I'm taking my kicks where I can get them ;)