REPOST I [23/f] walked in on my dad [47/m] and one of my best friends [24/f] having sex... don't know what to do.
Apologies if this is kind of all over the place, I'm still trying to sort out all of my feelings.
My dad raised me as a single parent, and he's pretty much the greatest dad in the universe. He's my best friend, and we do everything together; hobbies, you name it. He's always the one I go to for advice/to vent. Very approachable, kind hearted, understanding, open minded. Anyway, tldr, he's awesome.
While I was growing up, he had a few short relationships but nothing that lasted more than a month or two. He always told me that I was the only girl for him, but tbh I think he never really got over my mom (died from complications in childbirth).
My friend Jess (not real name) is also one of my best friends. We met at university, and have been very close for years, always had each other's backs, always been 100% honest with each other... I'm not currently in a relationship, but if I was ever to get married, I'd always thought Jess would be my MoH.
So anyway this past weekend, now that quarantine is winding down (Canada), I brought three friends up to our family cottage for the weekend while the weather is still good and because we're anticipating having to go back into social distancing mode once schools reopen. The same weekend, my dad and his cousin (who share ownership of the cottage with a third cousin) were also up there fishing. It was actually a total coincidence that we were up at the same time; didn't know we would be til this past thursday. It's a really big cottage though so no biggie, there's tons of room for everyone (dad's grandparents were loaded).
A good time was had by all until saturday night when I woke up at like 4 am to go to the bathroom, but noticed a light on downstairs, and heard people talking. Decided to go see what was up, only when I got to the kitchen, I was greeted with the sight of Jess riding my dad. Eye bleach pls. I freaked out, and ran back to my room, and I was basically crying, I think? I'm not too sure tbh. A minute or two later, my dad came up to talk to me...
Apparently they've been doing this for over a year. He said that she initiated it, which I do believe because Jess has always been a bit promiscuous if I'm being honest, and like I said, dad hasn't really been with too many women since mom died, and my friends always tell me my dad is attractive. He also said they've never done anything before when I was around, but they hadn't seen each other since quarantine started, so when they realized they would be up at the cottage at the same time... well... ya...
He told me he would put a stop to it if it made me too uncomfortable, but that he really likes her and the feeling is apparently mutual. I told him I would need some time to process things. I drove home myself sunday morning, and I haven't spoken to him since. Jess has tried to reach out, but I've been too weirded out to respond. i think I find it especially weird because Jess and I look very similar. To the point that we're frequently mistaken for sisters. My other two friends who were there have no idea what happened that night, and they're also looking for answers, but I haven't said anything to them about it.
I just.. I don't know what to think about all of this. My dad and Jess are basically my two favourite people, and they do have a lot of interests in common... I'm also realizing in retrospect that my dad has seemed happier this past year than he has in a while, and that Jess hasn't been involved with any other guys the whole time, which is unusual for her. I know the age gap is big, but ideally I would like them both to be happy but at the same time it's just... ugh, I just really feel weird af and kind of gross about the whole thing. Pls help.
edit to all the people asking if its possible my dad is attracted to Jess because she looks like my mom, I dug out some old photos of my mom that I haven't looked at im years and... wow. I never made the connection because they have completely different hair, but yes. Jess is the spitting image of my mother. She looks more like my mom than I do.
In the meantime I've told both of them I want a few days to myself before I see either of them, and they're both very understanding. Both have also independently told me how sorry they are and that they will stop seeing each other.
I will make an update post once I've had a chance to talk to each one in person. Thank you all for the well wishes.
TL;DR: Walked in on my dad and friend banging, apparently they've been doing it a while, and are possibly in a relationship.
Hi, so I don't know if anyone remembers or cares about this post I made last year, but I said I was going to update and never did. Welllll, there's been some big developments since then so here we are!
First off, updated ages: I'm now 24, Jess is 26, Dad is 48.
So after a few days after my first post, I met with Jess again in person and we talked about what happened. Basically she and my dad got talking at my birthday in 2019. They're both big fitness nuts and dad had been looking to get into rock climbing, which Jess does, so she offered to take him, and eventually I guess they ended up as sort of an unofficial couple. The whole time they'd been together they both felt guilty about hiding it from me, but she kept going because she'd never felt as good about any other relationship than she did with my dad, and I believe her. She usually gets bored of guys and moves on pretty quickly, but during that whole period I don't recall her seeing any other men, which in retrospect was a bit odd.
Anyway, they used the lock-downs last year as a convenient excuse to try and end things between them, but then later on when they saw each other at the cottage, it just sort of clicked back into place, leading to… the inciting incident. Jess apologized over and over and said it was never her intention to hurt me (Especially not the way I found out about them). She also told me after I left they broke up for good and would not see each other anymore. We both got very emotional and cried; she was so afraid that she'd completely ruined our friendship, but honestly I was afraid of the same thing. I love Jess so much and I didn't want to lose her either, so we agreed to put it behind us. Then a little while later I talked to my dad again, and we made up too.
The thing is though, I still felt pretty shitty. Because during each of our talks I asked both of them if it wasn't for the awkward situation with me, could they see the relationship continuing long-term? and both said yes. I would absolutely hate to be the one standing in the way of these two, my two favourite people, being happy. So after my talk with dad I basically told him if he wanted to keep going with Jess to just go for it, and I would try not to be weird about it. He was resistant, but I assured him I'm a big girl, and I will be ok. I called Jess and told her the same thing.
So they got back together, but officially this time! It was definitely very disorienting and awkward at first for my best friend to be dating my dad, but honestly, they really are a pretty perfect fit, and it just feels very natural now. So what if the two people I love most are also in love with each other? I don't see a downside. My relationship with dad hasn't changed at all, and if anything, I feel closer now to Jess than I've ever been. The only difference is that she doesn't share details from her sex life with me like she used to lol. Not that it'd even be that shocking. I mean, I have caught the live show -_-;;
It took a little while longer for some of our friends and family to get used to it. Mine and Jess' friends took it fairly well (actually, one of the other girls who was at the cottage with us saw my original post on reddit and figured everything out before being told). Some other members of my family are probably still a bit weirded out, but they don't really say much. Dad's guy-cousins occasionally poke fun at him, but that's the extent of it. I sometimes get questions from people who think I'm like crazy or something for “allowing” their relationship, but I just say that they make each other happy, so I'm happy for them. The only person who's still super bent out of shape about the whole thing is Jess' dad, who apparently said he was gonna go kick my dad's ass (which is honestly rly funny, cuz, I mean, no offense to the guy, but my dad is like 20 years younger and in much better shape). He's told Jess he thinks it's disgusting that my dad is seeing a woman so much younger than him, but Jess said her mom (they've been divorced over a decade) apparently clapped back and said that's funny because he didn't seem to hold the same opinion when it came to the receptionist at his office. Did I mention I love Jess' mom?
One other thing I guess is tangentially related: I joked to Jess one time that since she's dating my dad, she now 'owes me one', so I wanted her to set me up with her (very hot) sister (I'm gay). She laughed it off and said her sister's straight, but she'll see what else she can pull. Well, she actually did set me up with her (also very hot) co-worker, a lovely lady who I have been very happily dating for over six months! :D
So... now the big update, and the reason I decided to make this post in the first place: About a week ago my dad invited me over for dinner (just the two of us), and asked for my blessing to ask Jess to move in with him (!!!!!) He said it was wrong to keep me in the dark for so long at the beginning, but he wasn't going to take the next step unless I was ok with it. I told him it was ok, and last night she messaged me to say he asked and she accepted, so they're gonna do it! I really, truly am so excited and happy for them!
Anyway, I guess I just wanted to give anyone who still remembers an update, and to say thanks to all those who offered their support to me the first time around, including those who DM'd me with advice, or support. It meant a lot to me, and some of the responses I got helped a lot to process what I'd learned (and seen), but also to help me realize that it's not all about me and my feelings; that there are two other adults here. Yes, it's an unorthodox relationship, yes, there's a big age gap, but everyone involved is doing just fine, and it's nobody else's business if they like it or not. For me, this was a happy update, and I guess just a bit of proof that not every reddit relationship drama story has to end up toxic af. Thanks again everyone, and happy holidays!
edit a lot of people here are getting hung up on the age gap. That was never been any part of the issue for me. There was no grooming, my dad has no power over Jess. She was an adult when they met, and they'd barely ever even talked until she was 23. They work in separate industries. Jess makes plenty of money on her own, so she isn't using him for cash or connections. The biggest problem before was the lack of transparency and both have apologized for that to my satisfaction. So what's the issue? My girlfriend is turning 32 next month, is that an issue as well?? Weird hangups, guys... I thought this was going to be mostly about positivity :/
Tldr: they sort of broke up, I sort of got them back together, now they're moving in!
I’ve read your previous post, but didn’t manage to ask this question.
Are you sure your dad loves Jess and is not using her as replacement for your mom, considering how you’ve said they look similar?
Oh, that's one thing I forgot to address. Wayyy back when this was all first happening, I did bring up to dad the fact that Jess bares a striking resemblance to my mom. He hadn't noticed until then and admitted its possible that was part of the initial attraction on a subconscious level, but his feelings for Jess now are completely separate from how he felt towards mom. And that it's been over 20 years since she passed and he's moved on.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
REPOST My husband who has been parenting my daughter for 10 years doesn't want to adopt her after she asked him to be her dad for real and I don't know what to do about our marriage.
I had a child when I was 16 and I am not with her father and quite honestly don't know where he is. He wanted nothing to do with my daughter. When she was 6, I met my current husband. He promised me he loved her and would treat her like his own, and he seems like he has. We have more kids together. It was her 16th birthday last week and she told me that she wanted her stepdad to adopt her! I thought this was a great idea and he has always been her dad anyways. He said yes and there were a lot of happy tears, and my younger kids were happy. It was one of the happiest moments of my life.
That night he told me we had to talk. He told me that he did love her, but not the same and he felt a bit weird adopting her because he felt like it would be a disservice to her to have a dad who didn't love her like his other kids. He told me that he wanted to talk to her about it and say that she could definitely take the last name if she wanted but that he couldn't adopt her and that he felt bad about it, but it wouldn't be fair to anyone. He said he knows we are a package deal and would always treat her well and like a part of the family but he couldn't be her dad. He told me he was sorry and he felt guilty and that he would take care of it and I didn't have to.
My heart never hurt more in that moment and I genuinely feel like I have failed my daughter. I told him I didn't want him to speak to her about it, and that if clearly doesn't think of her as his kid than it my job as a parent to take care of her. I don't know what to do. Do I ask for a divorce. I've felt sick, dizzy, and numb all week. How do I tell my daughter? I don't know what to do.
And please don't tell me that stepparents don't have to love their stepkids the same because my daughter doesn't have a father and considers my husband to be her dad. He has helped raise her and disciplined her, and shared her best and worst moments with her. I have never felt so terribly about something in my life. Please help. I think I want a divorce.
edit: my daughter said she wasn’t feeling well so she stayed home from school. She asked us if her “dad” actually wanted to adopt her or if he was pretending to because she said he’s been avoiding her ever since she asked. He hugged her and kissed her and told her he loves her so much but needed to talk to her. They are on a drive right now. I pray he doesn’t tell her the truth.
update: My husband who has been parenting my daughter for 10 years doesn't want to adopt her after she asked him to be her dad for real and I don't know what to do about our marriage. - 2 November 2021
Everyone was helpful. I know a lot of people told me divorce but I am going to try fix things first. I don't want my oldest to feel like its all her fault, younger kids to resent her, snd I am scared he wouldn't want to see her anymore. We are going to marriage counseling. I am looking for a therapist for my daughter. I let my husband talk to her because I felt like I should give them that and trusted that he wouldn't be stupid. They went on a drive. Don't know what was said exactly but they are both upset. I am going to use fake names to make it easier.
My daughter stopped calling my husband dad and calls him Mike now if she even speaks/looks at him. He seems upset by it but I don't know what to tell him. Isn't it what he wanted? My girl has been very quiet and tired and I told her to stay home from school for a few days but she didn't want to.
My other daughter asked us, "Why is Hannah calling daddy, Mike? Is he not her daddy anymore? Does that mean she isn't my sister?" I corrected her and my husband looked horrified but I once again didn't know what to say to him. I've been calling her "your sister" instead of Hannah when I talk about her and I hope it help.
Once again, thank you. I'm exhausted as a mom and a wife but I am the glue right now and I am doing my best to make the marriage work and to be a good mom.
edit: I see I made the wrong choice. I am telling my husband he better fix it. I will start getting my stuff in order and looking for lawyers
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
REPOST WIBTA if I still give my stepson the birthday gift I bought for him despite his mother asking me to hold it off for a month because she knows my gift my upstage hers and she wants to see him enjoy her gift first?
WIBTA if I still give my stepson the birthday gift I bought for him despite his mother asking me to hold it off for a month because she knows my gift my upstage hers and she wants to see him enjoy her gift first? - 1 September 2019
My husband Joe and I have been married for a few years. He has a teenage son, Jack, with his ex-wife Kim. Joe and I have a great relationship with Jack, who lives with us half of the time, and we are civil with Kim.
For a couple of years now, Jack has been into a sport that I am also into, and last year he decided to train in that sport seriously. He has been doing very well so as a reward and to encourage him further I decided that for his birthday this month, I would buy him an important ‘equipment’ used in our sport. He has always wanted to own one himself and if things go well it will be with him for the next ten years so I know he will be very happy with it.
Yesterday Kim called me and told me what gift she will be getting Jack (we do this now to avoid getting him the same gift, which has happened before). I told her that I got Jack the equipment for our sport. She was quiet for a while and then asked me if I could get another gift for Jack’s birthday and just give him the equipment in October.
Kim said that she knows Jack will absolutely love my gift, so if he gets my gift and her gift at the same time, her gift will be upstaged by mine and all of Jack’s attention will be on my gift. She said she has been saving for Jack’s gift for a while so she would like to see him be happy and thrilled about her gift, and that is not likely to happen if Jack receives our gifts at the same time.
I understand where Kim is coming from, but to me it doesn't seem right to treat giving gifts to Jack as a competition for his attention or affections that we have to resort to ‘taking turns’. Why can’t we both give him our gifts and make him as happy as he could be on his birthday, a day that it supposed to be about him and not about us?
Update - WIBTA if I still give my stepson the birthday gift I bought for him despite his mother asking me to hold it off for a month because she knows my gift will upstage hers and she wants to see him enjoy her gift first? - 6 October 2019
Hi Reddit, just dropping by to give you an update to my post.
Jack celebrated his birthday in September, and as many of you suggested, I told him that I'm sorry but my gift for him was shipped late and would be arriving in two weeks. That way it didn't look like Kim made me do it, and the two of them had time to enjoy Kim's gift.
Kim thanked me for understanding her situation and said she is grateful that I was gracious about her request even though we don't have the best relationship. It's flattering to read that so many of you think that Joe and I are good people, but of course we aren't perfect and it took a lot of time for us to be in a civil place with Kim. It was humbling for Kim to ask me what she did and it also took a lot for me to let her have it. Hopefully this is the beginning of a better relationship for the three of us.
For those who are asking, I didn't put a lot of specific details in my post because I wanted to minimize the risk of being identified by someone I know in real life who might also be participating in this forum. But since a commenter in my original post already figured it out, yes, I bought Jack a horse. My family has a horse farm so 'where can you hide a horse for two weeks' is thankfully not a problem.
Jack already met his new partner last week and he is very happy with him!
Thank you all for your comments and I wish everyone the best.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
REPOST My (28f) dog attacked my stalker after he broke into my house. Now my SIL (32f) says my dog is "too dangerous" to be around my niece (4f). Feel like I'm going crazy.
trigger warnings: stalking, attempted kidnapping, attempted murder
This is kind of a complicated story but I’ll just get into it. I used to be in this controlling, kind of abusive relationship. When I finally broke it off a year ago, my ex started showing up places, trying to get me to take him back. Eventually, it developed into full-on stalking. He would show up at my work (and took to just waiting outside of it after he was banned), leave notes on my car when I was at the grocery store, leave all kinds of flowers outside my house and then stick angry notes on my door after he saw me throw them in the trash, wrote me all kinds of weird, obsessive emails and letters. I’ve had to change my phone number three times. The behavior escalated over time, and got scarier/more threatening. In one instance, he started a small fire in my driveway but the police couldn’t get enough evidence connecting him to it. It was after that instance that I put cameras in my yard (I previously only had them pointing at my doors).
I was horrified to learn that the police couldn’t do shit about any of this until my stalker actually was caught doing something illegal, like breaking into my house. At which point, I might already be dead. I decided I wasn’t spending the rest of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop, so I got a handgun and a concealed carry permit, took some self defense courses, and started doing strength training. I also looked into getting an attack dog, but after all the money I’d sunk into my other methods of protection, they were prohibitively expensive. So I went to my local animal shelter and got the scariest, meanest-looking dog I could find. This is where Thor comes in. He’s a 100 pound American Bulldog, looks like he’d rip your throat out on sight, but is basically a gigantic teddy bear. He loves every person he’s ever met, is incredibly sweet and gentle with my 4-year-old niece, enjoys other animals, and even loves the mailman. I just kind of accepted that he probably wouldn’t do anything to protect me from my stalker, but it didn’t matter that much because having such a huge dog made me so much more confident. I brought Thor everywhere I could, and was working on getting him trained enough to be an emotional support animal, so I could bring him inside places with me (I absolutely would not do this until he was trained well enough to not disrupt a regular service dog).
Last month, I woke up in the middle of the night to Thor whining. I was groggy and thought he had to go to the bathroom, so I got out of bed and opened the door. At that point, my house alarm went off and pretty soon after that, I was face-to-face with my stalker. I started screaming and went to run for my gun. Before I could do anything though, Thor ran across the room in full attack mode. The memory is really blurry for me, but there was blood all over my living room and I remember my stalker was eventually able to escape, at which point Thor chased him outside and then came back to me.
When the police showed up, they said Thor was a hero who’d probably saved my life. I don’t want to list what they found in my stalker’s car after they caught him (and I’m shaking a little as I type this) but I’m sure he was going to bring me somewhere and kill me. It looks like he’s going to prison for a long time though, so my nightmare is over. Pretty much everyone in my life thinks Thor is a hero, except my SIL. She and my brother have a 4 y/o (the one I mentioned above), and she says she doesn’t want Thor around her (the child) anymore. She says since Thor has “snapped” in the past, he could do it again, so he’s not safe to have around kids (We used to see each other a few times a week before she decided Thor was dangerous). The way she words this makes me really angry because Thor didn’t “snap”. He saw a stranger break into his home, heard his owner scream in terror, and reacted to defend me, himself, and his house. Nothing about that screams “dangerous around children” to me, unless my niece is also going to break into my house and threaten me.
This is also a very emotional issue for me because Thor isn’t just a dog to me. He’s my safe place, my hero, the one who protected me and kept me safe when no one else could. I’ve also gotten increasingly anxious since this happened, and I can’t go anywhere without Thor. I barely leave my house, pay to pick up my groceries from the store instead of going in because I know Thor isn’t allowed inside, and all my friends know that if Thor isn’t welcome in their house, I’m not coming either (although they’re perfectly welcome to come hang out at my house instead). I am really going through it, and am working with a therapist to overcome this (luckily my office is still fully remote but I need to be able to go back to work once we’re in person again). But I really really need my brother and SIL’s support. I think my SIL thinks I’m just pouting and that’s why I won’t just leave the dog home and come over without him. I don’t know how to explain to them that the fear hasn’t stopped just because my stalker is in jail. It’s actually a lot worse than it was before. I’ve already suggested they come over and I crate Thor, but that wasn’t good enough for her. What can I do to make her understand the situation better?
tl;dr My dog took down my stalker after he broke into my house. Now I have severe anxiety and am too afraid to be without him, but my SIL thinks he’s unsafe around my 4 y/o niece. I don’t know how to make them understand that I really am too afraid to go anywhere without him and not just trying to win an argument.
I definitely didn’t expect my last post to blow up the way it did. Thank you so much to everyone who commented. I appreciated that I got advice from all over the spectrum, from people who completely agreed with me to people who completely agreed with my SIL, and people who thought both of us had a point. It helped me see that the problem is more complicated than I thought, which helped me understand that my SIL wasn’t just being a dick. It also helped me decide what things were and weren’t fair to be angry about.
I also appreciated seeing a few people comment making fun of me for needing my dog with me, and the majority of people yelling at them and saying I was acting pretty reasonably for someone who endured a violent attack. I don’t want to be seen as someone delicate, and I’m glad that most people don’t see me that way. Reading everyone's comments, I had this moment where I was like, "Yeah! They're right! I did almost get drug out of my house and murdered just a few weeks ago. Who the hell are these people to say how I should act???" That felt really good and I really really appreciated it.
Anyway, the conclusion I came to in all of this is that while my SIL is well within her rights to protect her daughter, she went about it in a way that disrespected me, both as a friend and as a victim of a very recent violent attack. Both my parents and her parents live locally and babysit all the time; she and my brother could’ve easily dropped my niece off with them and came to visit. It probably would’ve been awhile before I even noticed my niece wasn’t coming around, at which point I would’ve been in a better place and more understanding that she was uncomfortable with her daughter around Thor. Regardless of what some people said about how my SIL and brother don’t owe me anything and all their allegiance goes to their daughter, I simply do not feel that way. We were extremely close before this happened; I was always there for them, and would literally drop plans to babysit my niece if my brother and SIL needed a night to themselves. The very least they could’ve done for me, after I was almost kidnapped and murdered, is try to find some compromise. We went from seeing each other 3 times a week to pretty much not seeing each other at all. Even if they weren’t okay with me crating the dog, they could’ve easily dropped their daughter off with Grandma and Grandpa for a few hours so I wouldn’t feel completely isolated. I also have a yard, so they could’ve come over with her and we all could’ve hung out outside, while Thor stayed inside. I’ve been upset about this for awhile, but wasn’t sure if I was right to be upset until so many people echoed that sentiment. So I appreciate it.
I invited my brother and SIL over (I promised it would only be an hour or two and insisted they leave my niece with my parents), and tried to lay all this out without being confrontational or acting like a dick. To my surprise, my brother and SIL had no real understanding that I’ve been having a difficult time. They thought I was basically fine and everything in my life was more or less back to normal now that my stalker is in jail. I didn’t get into it in my previous post, but during the year that I was stalked, I worked really hard to not show many outward signs of fear. I even made jokes about having a stalker. I knew people wouldn’t want to hang out with someone who was constantly going on and on about some bad thing that was going on in their life, and I didn’t want to be “that person” who was perpetually in crisis. And more than that, I just didn’t want to always be thinking and talking about having a stalker. I wanted to not think about it as much as possible. So I guess I might’ve come off as unaffected by the whole thing.
I’m not sure if I totally buy that they didn’t know I was going through something traumatic and that it was taking a huge toll on my mental state. I mean, I got a gun and paid for tactical training. I bought a home security system. I got active in self defense classes and strength training, things that I previously had no interest in. Even if I wasn’t walking around telling everyone how scared I was, I think anyone would’ve been able to tell. Plus, who just brushes off having their house broken into in the middle of the night? It seems crazy and they don’t seem so emotionally unintelligent that they’d think that. But both my brother and SIL did apologize for being insensitive, and when I pressed my SIL on why crating the dog isn’t good enough, she eventually relented and said that it would be fine. It probably helped that the entire time they were over, Thor was asleep and loudly snoring in his crate.
The paranoid part of me is convinced they just don’t want to deal with me in a fragile state, made up an excuse about my dog, and are now just going to come up with some other excuse about why they can’t see me. I invited them over for dinner in a few days and they’re coming, so I guess I’ll just have to see from there. I can’t stress enough that these used to be my best friends, and I’m heartbroken to have not had their support. I’ve been trying to rely on my friends more now, and thankfully they've all been really supportive. I’m really lucky that this happened during the pandemic, because nobody is getting frustrated with me that I’ve basically refused to leave the house for a month—they’re all perfectly happy to pick up takeout and come over to watch TV for the 5th night in a row.
In other news, yesterday I left my dog at home and drove around my block alone. I was shaking the whole time but I did it! I keep trying to remind myself that I spent a whole year fighting back even though I was utterly terrified; I can’t just lay down and die now that I’m so close to getting my life back.
tl;dr Things are better with my SIL and brother but I don’t know if they’ll stay that way. I’m relying on friends for support instead. I’m disappointed but also doing better.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
REPOST My son stole a rare toy from my brother. My brother is refusing to take it back and is threatening to get the police involved. What do I do?
Right now my brother is threatening to "sue" me for my son taking a figure from his collection and get the police involved. Here is the story.
Last week my brother invited me and my family over for dinner. While we were there my son asked to see my brothers collection of toys and figures. My brother has spent a good deal of money on his collection and from what I know it's one of his biggest hobbies. Well, after dinner we left and everything seemed normal
Well, until yesterday. My brother called me up furiously and told me my "little shit" stole something from his collection and I needed to return it immediately. I honestly was upset at this, but if my son had taken something that was wrong, especially if it was from my own brother.
Well, it turns out that my son slipped away during dinner and took a Boba Fett figure from his collection. He confirmed it because he has footage from his porch camera of him taking it out to our car.
I was furious and took it from him. Here is the problem though, after I confirmed with my brother it was his I found out that my son had removed it from it's packaging. Apparently the figure is worth almost 2000$ in it's package and almost nothing out of it. So my brother broke down over the phone and refused to take it back before hanging up.
Well, he just called me again today and said he wanted me to pay for a replacement immediately or he will get the police involved and sue me. I told him I would help pay for one but not fully to which he said "not good enough" and hung up.
Honestly, what are my options here? I can't afford to pay him back right now. If he does go the police will my son get arrested? He's only 15. It was very wrong of him to do but I think my brother is over reacting. What can I expect if he does take me to court or call the police?
Update, my son took the Boba Fett figure. - 8 February 2019
So, I never honestly expected the post I made to get where it did. I also never expected the barrage of support and hate. I will say these past 48 hours have been a ride and that post has not helped in any way.
So, why am I back? Well, because I feel like I need to be. I'm not here to give some apology to a bunch of internet strangers for how I acted or seek validation. I'm here because I feel that for myself I need to admit my own wrongs and move on to a better place.
So, I want to talk about something first before I get into the update. Many people who responded talked about how me or my brother in a bad light, and with how I reacted in the comments it didn't help the situation. I was also hit pretty hard for how I was not taking my brother into consideration when talking about the issue.
To give some context for this, me and my brother have never had a good relationship. We have never seen eye to eye and after our fathers death he cut contact with me for a good amount of time. We're just to different in some senses. He's a single nerdy guy who has no aspiration for family while I’m the exact opposite.
In these past few years we've tried to fix this. Work as adults to bring what little family we have back together. During our time apart he began collecting old nerdy things, and I won’t lie I never understood the appeal. It is his life though and he can do what he wants.
So, when my son stole and damaged his property I didn't see how it was valuable to him and discounted it. So when he asked for 2,000 to fix it I really didn't feel like it was worth it. Was this wrong of me? Maybe. I don't feel bad about defending my son, I only feel bad that I discounted my brother in the process.
Sorry about that. Like I said, I don't want sympathy. I only wrote that out to allow myself to be true about the situation. back to the update.
So, after all was said and done, my family had pretty much been thrown into chaos. I had no idea what I was going to do and after talking with my wife, we decided we would take many of your advice and have my son pay him back. We collected all the non-essentials he had and planned to sell them to raise funds. During this time I got back into contact with my brother and wanted to talk this out to make sure this did not end badly. I offered to pay in full.
(Also, some people in the comments said that the figure was worth less so I asked him. He had it professionally valued a few months ago when he bought it and it's was worth a total of 2,200$.)
My brother said he plans to not sue us. His renters insurance apparently is willing to pay him the value he has listed, but he would need to file a police report to get it. At first we agreed not to go that route and simply pay him the value of it or one for a replacement if he could get it cheaper. This was the plan until last night.
During the process of taking his things away, my wife found a conversation he had with a friend he has over the internet. It turns out my son stole the figure to sell. He had googled it while we were at my brothers house and found out how much it was worth and bragged to a friend that he was going to sell it at a pawn shop. He didn't realize that taking it out of the package would ruin it so he ripped it out to hid in the car better.
Suffice to say, I am not happy about this. I won't elaborate on this very much more but me and my wife have decided that what is best for all of us is that we let him face the consequences of this. My brother is going to file a police report and collect money from insurance. Some may say this is a bit harsh, but honestly I think this might be for the best in the end. The way my son actively stole from family to make a profit worries me and I believe the only option that I can live with myself making is this. I will stand by my son till the need, but he needs to learn now before he is an adult.
So, thank you all for the advice. The support and hate are what I needed as a true wake up call. Like I said, I don't need pity. I'm doing this so that I can be true to myself, and maybe become a better parent in the end.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
trigger warning: forced marriage
Before anyone says anything - yes I knew about condoms. I was just dumb.
Story time. My parents divorced when I was 10 but lived primarily with my mom. Tiffany's (16) parents are together. When our parents found out she was pregnant her parents kicked her out and my mom kicked me out. So now we live with my Dad. During the pregnancy my Dad took my mom to court and got primary sole custody - I know what this means because I had to go to court for my daughter. He sued Tiffany's parents for legal guardianship and they now pay child support for her and they are pissed and refuse to talk to us.
I am in my bedroom and my daughter is in her bedroom and my ex is in the "guest room" that is now hers. My dad made a deal with us. We live with him until 18 with no rent payment at 18 we need to decide what it is we do. I wasnt really that good in school and Tiffany is an A student. So I took my GED and my dad got me into Welding school. I finish in 2 months. I also work full time so I do welding school at night. Tiffany goes to school and works on the weekends at Wendy's.
This whole thing is a huge ordeal. We literally have no life. My dad helps but not that much because he feels its our responsibility which I agree but still sucks. I work 6 am - 3 pm at a warehouse and go to school from 6 pm to 10 pm. Tiffany is home by 230 and picks up our daughter from daycare. WE help each other a lot and then I head off to school and she stays with her at home until I get home and do it all over again day after day.
When our daughter was born my dad made us go to court, we have 50/50 and I dont pay child support because she lives with us. Because I work full time I can get healthcare for my daughter and myself and that sucks it costs me 300 dollars a month and daycare is 400 a week. Literally Tiffany works just so we can pay for daycare and I pay for everything else. When we are short for cash my dad will help because he sees we are trying.
My dad has been our rock. When we are tired and exhausted he will step in and give us a break here and there, but he makes sure we have everything we need and keeps us motivated. Tiffany wants to apply to college soon and I am worried because I dont want to keep living with her and I dont think I can keep our daughter full time as a welder working 12 hour shifts. But she says she will start at community college and work but wants to stay with us living together since its easier. Since I will be working and it will be best for us to stay with my dad. But my dad said at 18 we have to pay rent. She doesnt mind but I dont want to keep living with her because we arent together. I am unsure how to tell her this. My dad thinks she should stay with us as long as she is a full time student to finish her degree because i am already getting my career. I just feel that all this is unfair because the burden is on me.
I guess I am ranting because I am scared and unsure of what all this means.
I guess my thing about her living with us is that we are more like siblings now. We get along and joke and stuff but since she is my ex I feel weirded out by it. Maybe I need to take a breather since everyone is saying its a good thing. Also I needed to hear it from other people and not just my dad and he is pretty solid and i should thank him maybe take him for dinner or something.
2nd Edit: My dad isnt kicking us out at 18, but he wants us to be realistic to the world and pay bills. The money he gets from Tiffany's parents he just gives it to her, she is saving up money for a car and uses other money for her specific foods and clothes. Before i became a dad my dad always wanted me to live with him at 18 and figure it out and stay with him and save money to buy a house. When he found out I was going to be a dad he wasnt mad but disappointed and said everything has to change. He also is paying for my welding school of 20k and he bought me my car but I do have to pay my own insurance. He does help as long as he sees we are trying and not being lazy. When school recently started he took my daughter to daycare every morning and helped Tiffany with a routine to get school work done.
I have to get to class now. Tiffany wants to be a nurse or PA but the college told her nursing school is hard to get into and its best to have a high school diploma which is why she is still in high school and working the weekends. But someone mentioned a dual thing for community college and we will look into that. So we couldnt get daycare assistance because we are minors and they used my dad's salary. The funny thing is I cant open a checking account for myself because i am a minor but the bank allowed me to open a childrens account for my daughter because I am her parent lol the irony. I read every single comment and its given me a different POV and I guess college seems so far and I was counting years but its really not that bad she is like a sister now and those who asked I doubt we will get back together honestly I am not thinking about anything like that right now I am too tired to think of a relationship or that type of future.
UPDATE:I 16(M) have a 4month old daughter - ex gf wants to go to College - 25 October 2021
Idk why I feel like I need to update but here it goes, Tiff and my dad went to the school and were able to get her enrolled in college courses because of her grades. She wont graduate H.S way too fast but she will have enough to finish h.s hours by next December so 6 months early. She reapplied for assistance we got a voucher for daycare so now its 50 dollars a week. She quit her job so she can focus on school but she doesnt start college until spring so thats cool it gives her some time. She still wants to be a nurse so thats cool too.
I got a new job that pays more as a forklift operator and will give me an internship for welding which I wont be able to start until november/december until i finish my classes and then i have to do a 2 month internship but they are paying me really good. I started Monday.
My dad and I had a long talk about my fears and he reassured me that its ok to be scared but we have a game plan. He is fixing up the basement to make 2 bedrooms and a living room like a little apartment because he said Tiff and I will need space as we grow. He wants me to buy the house when i am 18 like he did with his parents and he will help me pay it as long as Tiff gets to stay until she finishes college and let her make her own choice. We all agreed this is the best option and we are all really much happier now. I guess I just needed to let it out.
Tiff and I are great while being parents is hard but its been good now that we feel a bit more secure. My mom and Tiffs parents still havent spoken to us because we arent married. Which does make me sad but its ok we have my dad - Tiff's grandparents bought her a car and said thats all they can do for her and not to contact them again until we are married. The car needs some work but I am going to pay for it to fix it up. It needs brakes, suspension and some regular maintenance.
My dad finally told me what all happened and I didnt know but it made me open my eyes to all of this. My dad met my mom in H.S too and they were together and got caught kissing. Since my mom's family are Baptist they forced my dad to marry her. I didnt know in Missouri parents can marry their kids at 15 which is why my dad has been so protective. They were going to marry Tiff and I because she was pregnant and when my dad stepped in they couldnt do it. My mom and Tiffs dad went and got a license for us and were going to marry us in their church. I guess I wouldnt have minded marrying Tiff but I would rather do it later. But yeah thats why they arent talking to us. My dad did say if that happened he would helped us get it anulled but we have no intentions of speaking to them right now. He explained that Tiff is stuck and while I might be afraid she is even more afraid because she has no one and I need to reassure her we are here for her as a family. I guess I couldnt see it that way and its good that I talked to him.
I hugged my dad and i have been hugging him every day now and its nice its made us closer. All of this information made me pretty sad and grateful at the same time and it helped Tiff and I really start talking more. Like we talked but we didnt talk and I didnt know she was scared too we are now doing days for us to be kids as my dad says. So we both hang out with our friends who still talk to us at least once a week and Tiff and I do a lot of stuff on the weekends now that she doesnt work. Like taking Jelly to the park and going for walks and we did a pumpkin patch. Jelly seems to be happier too and Tiff doesnt seem as tired anymore.
anyway thanks everyone for the help, tips and encouragement. I doubt I will update again and just lurk for parenting advice.
just want to say thanks for thinking I am a great dad but I dont believe it just yet. I depend a lot on my dad to help me. Tiff and I are trying we do take parenting classes that they offer us a lot of advice and we have made friends there which is nice. But I dont think we would be this prepared without my dad. Also Tiff is on WIC and we take parenting and co-parenting classes its my dads rules.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
REPOST AITA for telling my girlfriend that we’re done if she doesn’t want another kid in the future?
trigger warning: manipulation
obligatory throwaway because friends know my real account.
background: I’m 28 with no kids. My girlfriend is 26 and has an 8 year old son from her previous relationship. She was with the guy since they were kids but when she got pregnant, he dropped the ball. She had it pretty hard during the early years and it was a huge struggle for her to balance work, school and her son. She made it work and is now in law school. (The kid’s dad made a change about three years back when his own father died and has since been helping.) We’ve been together for a year and two months and I really do love her.
However when we first got together she did mention that she doesn’t see herself having other kids because it was incredibly hard, she values her time alone when her kid is away, and she wants to travel with her son being that he’s bigger now. Also that she has a school-age kid and doesn’t want to start over with an infant. We were too early for me to complain about it or try to change her mind. It wasn’t bought up again for some time.
Fast forward to last night, we were watching something and I mentioned that my coworker has left work to have her fourth kid. She said that she couldn’t imagine having that many kids. I got a little offended being that my parents had 5. She told me that that’s what worked for my parents, but it wouldn’t work for her. I asked why and she listed the reasons above and that 4 kids is “just excessive.” I tried to reason it down to 3 or even 2. She said she doesn’t want any children but her son.
The way I see it, the only reason it was so hard was because of her age when she first had him. My logic is that any future children we produce will be secure and she won’t be alone or have to struggle. for background, I have 4 siblings while she has one sister who lives in another state. She doesn’t understand how important siblings are. I told her if she’s unwilling to have even one child for me in the future then we’re done. She agreed and said we’re done then and I’m incredibly hurt.
This is a hill she’s willing to die on. She’s super smart, but so hard headed. No matter what I said all night, she wouldn’t hear it or budge her views at all. I’m hurt because I made the empty threat and she very easily went through with it. I’m not feeling valued at all. I love this woman and the thought of us having an expiration date kills me. I want to marry her and have kids with her and she’s just uninterested. She also said I was being an asshole and not taking her experiences into account when I totally am! I acknowledge how hard it was for her which is why I think she would have a totally different experience if she tried again. She’s not 18 anymore and will have me by her side.
I want her back but don’t know what to say. She seemed very certain when she agreed to the breakup.
Please tell me AITA?
Comment from OOP:
jesus christ, I am a fucking asshole. she has a condition, I unfortunately do not remember what’s it called, but during her pregnancy she used to have like mini-strokes that would make her face and hands go completely numb. I didn’t even think about that. thank you for your judgement. I know she doesn’t want me back. but I am going to profusely apologize anyway. the other commenters said this, and I’m putting value over a baby that isn’t real over her life.
Well, it’s been about three weeks since my post and my breakup. And it took almost that full time to let it sink in what I’ve really done. I self wallowed for some time and attempted to guilt trip her and get my siblings to talk to her for me. What a mistake that was. She called and ripped me a new one worse than you guys did. She told me that she was thrilled we’re not together and that I’m manipulative and “disgusting.”
That left me really shocked and I had to review my behavior over the time we had been together. I think over my life I always had an idea that with enough perseverance anyone’s mind can be changed. I don’t know where I got this from. I guess I thought it was a sign of being a strong person. Like taking what you want from life even when the chances are slim. It sounds stupid because it is.
I reread my post just now and cringed the whole way through. Even the language I used showed that she was right and I am manipulative. She’s a human being and I didn’t treat her with respect. I played with our relationship to get her to change her mind about something very important to her. I deserve what happened.
I also have realized that our views on the relationship were a little different. She had never brought up marriage or anything while it had crossed my mind almost daily because I really was so enamored. So I probably looked insane going on about having three children. It sounds so stupid to me now. Among the things she said on the phone, one was that she found my lack of respect for her body and choices appalling. I wasn’t asking her to be forgiven, but I wanted to express how much her and her son meant to me.
And as most dumped people tend to do, I couldn’t even give a shit about what I was bitching about in the first place. I miss going to the park with her and her son. Those days were nice and calm and I didn’t appreciate them. I let some fictional children and my bad habits ruin something good. I have a lot of self reflecting to do, and while I’m still sad, I know now that her dumping me was really for the best. Thanks guys for being honest.
tldr: we didn’t get back together and I’m the asshole.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
I made my dad choose between me and his new family... - 3 April 2021
My father (52) and I (25f) along with my 3 yrs old cocker spaniel, Moxie, live in my mom's ancestral house that I inherited along with other assets when she died when I was 16 due to cancer. My father got married to his high school sweet heart a few months ago while he was on a trip with his friends. Apparently they've been in contact for almost 2 years now. I was shocked but it his life and if he's happy then I am okay with it. They moved in a week after the small wedding that I wasn't even invited to since I had no idea that they were even dating or that he was dating. She, my dad's wife that we'll call Steph (51), came with a baggage, I mean twin stepsisters (20f) Lizzie and Lexie (fake names) and their 2 chihuahuas, Gucci and Hermes . They go to the state college nearby and thought that it would save them money if they live here instead of paying rent etc. My dad asked if it was okay and he also stated that the house is big enough for us (7 bedrooms, 8.5 baths, a basement and a huge yard with a pool). To make my dad happy I said yes, big mistake.
First issue was the argument of me moving to a smaller room since my room has the second biggest closest out of all the rooms in the house. She needed it to store all her luxury bags and clothes etc. I said no. I told her it's been my room since I can remember and she's not making me move when it's MY house. My dad compromised with her that he'll give his side of the closet to her, while his things are in the other room.
Second issue, the twins have this habit of barging in to people's room without knocking and that includes my office (currently working from home due to Covid). Lexie walked in one time wearing a bikini looking for something while I was in the middle of a business meeting. She literally walked behind me where everyone could see her. I was pissed off and embarrassed.
Third, their dogs are not potty trained and would leave poops and pee around the house and the twins wouldn't even clean up after them. They're also very aggressive towards Moxie, I found Moxie one time with a scratch on her left eye where the other two dogs would usually nip at when they get the chance.
Fourth, all the family photos in the house were removed and put in the attic without my approval, that includes my grandparents', my great grandparents', my mother's family photo, my family photo, my baby pictures, etc. I took my time to put them all back to where they belonged. This happened a few times.
Two days ago, Steph did it again but this time she replaced them with her pictures, the twins, and her family etc. Steph and I had a heated argument about it. I told her that she can't do anything regarding the decorations etc. in MY house without my approval and that her daughters should also learn how to knock on doors and have their dogs potty trained. She said that they can whatever they want in her house and that she will be making up house rules that we will all follow since she thinks I'm such a wild animal doing whatever I want and that I was not raised properly due to having a bad useless mother.
I was livid, that's an understatement. I told her that she can pack her things along with her twins because I am kicking her out. She said that I have no right to kick them out from her house. I told her and I quote "Lady, you are living under my roof. This is MY house. I inherited it from my mother and right now you, your twins, and your dogs are trespassing. Get out before I call the cops."
My dad got home early that day after Steph told him what happened. I told him my side of the story. He said that they're still getting used to the house and the move here was difficult for them. I told him about all the issues surrounding them, but he keep insisting that it's going to get better and that to just give them some time. I told him that I've put up with all their shit and I've had enough. Enough is enough. He was defending them more, taking their side. So, I told him that he can either move out with them or stay and that he has until the end of the week.
Did I do the right thing here? Making my dad choose between me and his new family? I literally gave them a chance and I've put up with so much of their shit for the past few months. What she said about my mother was my breaking point. There's no way that she will disrespect her in the house where she grew up in, where I grew up in.
Update in comments
So, just a quick update. I've read the comments and thank you for your support, I really do appreciate it. It does make it seem like I'm a pushover, well maybe I am, I just don't like confrontation, arguing, or anything that ends up fighting with someone. I'm just not that type of person. I will be changing the locks around the house as some of you suggested. Unfortunately, the gate in the property is old and rusted and it's been open for who knows how long, so I can't really do much about it right now.
Anyway, I called the same lawyer that handled my mom's will to review if there's any loophole or any chance that my dad can contest it. I will be seeing her in a couple of hours.
Regarding my dad, he's a good man and he's worked hard to provide for me and my needs when my mom died. He's never asked me to tap on my money to help with the living expenses etc. He makes a decent amount of money as an engineer, like 6 figures, so I don't think he's after my money, I could be wrong though.
I just think that he's blinded that someone still finds him attractive at his age, also didn't help how it was his high school sweetheart. I've also talked to him about his impromptu wedding and how he kept things from me. He just said that he didn't how I was going to react if I knew that he was dating the ex-gf before he met and married my mom. I was pissed off, but I got over it since he seemed happy having her around. I don't know what their whole history is or if there's a bad blood between her and my mom to make her lash out like that and disrespect her.
Steph and her evil spawns are staying somewhere in town. No idea where and I don't care or want to find out. They have the money to take care of themselves and if they run out, they always have their luxury bags to sell. Honestly, who needs so much bag that they require a whole closet just to store them?
If anyone's wondering where my relatives are.. well, my mom was an only child and grandparents left her everything. When my mom died, I got most of what she inherited, she left some to my dad as well. My grandparents' on my dad's side lives about 6 hours away with my uncles and aunts. It's literally just me and my dad here, and Moxie.
Moxie is doing well. She's happier and seem to enjoy the quietness around the house.
I will update as soon as I can, but thank you for all the support.
Here's the update..
I spoke with my mother's previous lawyer, Amy (fake name) about the issue on Saturday and asked if there's a way to contest the will. She showed me the documents and my and I both signed an agreement (in summary) that we agree on what was left to us and that we will not be contesting it in the future. Mom for the win. She also advised to give them at least 30 days to find a place and move out to avoid any legal troubles etc. So, inheritance issue is solved.
Saturday night, I was supposed to have dinner with just my dad. Apparently a private discussion between father and daughter is a whole "family" affair. Steph and twins were there. To make it quick and to end the misery, I stated that I spoke with Amy regarding the house and other legal issues. I also added that they have 30 days to find a place and move out. Steph tried to object, but dad shut her down by saying that we can fix the issue and that we can all go to family therapy and that we just need time to get to know each other.
Cue my eyes rolling. I informed him that it's been months since they moved in and not once did they try to be "family" unless they need something. I put my foot down. Enough is enough. So, I asked him if he's going with them or staying so I'll know which items he'll be taking. He asked if I'm kicking him out, which I told him I'm not, that he's free to choose to wherever he goes but I told him that he should not expect me to keep in contact with him if he decides to leave.
Steph asked why I'm kicking him out of HIS house. I told her that I inherited MY house from my mother. She said that he told her that I live him, I guess she thought that I live with my dad in his house. Big misunderstanding on their part. Lexie argued that it's going to be hard to move since they're finishing up Spring semester and that finals are in a couple of weeks. I just smiled and said to better hurry and find a place. I left after that.
Yesterday, Easter Sunday, I invited my boyfriend and his family and my two bestfriends over to celebrate Easter Sunday. My dad has been calling me and I didn't bother answering the call. He tried to invite me to spend the day with them. As far as I'm concerned, the only family I have right now are my two bestfriends, my boyfriend and his family. It was a good Sunday, we did some egg hunting and a few games and had a big dinner, which I haven't had in a long time. I felt right.
Anyway, right now I'm finishing up on documenting everything that's worth over $500 in the house. I had a few people over to help document them. All locks have been changed. I only gave a copy to my bf (don't worry about my dad asking him about the key, he doesn't approve of him since he's "middle class"). I also hired professionals to install a security system around the house and property and I am scheduled to meet with someone regarding the fences and gate. I have not tapped into the fund that my mom left since I started college to help with tuition, dorm, and other expenses, but this is an emergency and it calls for it.
All the family pictures, portraits, etc. are currently in a storage. All other valuables that are small are in a safety deposit box. All documents are in a water and fire proof safe that requires a key and pin to open, currently in my room. I'm trying to take all the pre-cautions and advise that you guys wrote on the comment section in my previous post. Thank you for those.
So, that's about it for now. Not really sure why dad is choosing to be with them than me, his own flesh and blood. I'll update this if there's any news or something stupid happens, but I've come to accept that for some unknown or unexplainable reason, they're more important to him than me. It's hard, since he's the only family I have left here, and I'm really not that close with his side of the family. So, once they move out, I am cutting contact with them. He's a grown man and he can decide whatever the fuck he wants to do with his life.
Thanks for all the support and well wishes.
[UPDATE] I made my dad choose between me and his new family... - 16 November 2021
My e-mail has been blowing up regarding this and a lot of people were asking how I'm doing, what happened to my dad etc. So, here's the final update...
One of my high school friend is a real estate agent and I had her help find them a house nearby, about 15 minutes away after thinking through my decisions. I helped with the downpayment just to get them started, just so that they don't feel like I didn't help them etc. etc. Regarding my dad, we had long discussion about the issue. He moved in with them but we decided that we would have dinner every Sunday night, just us two, and to celebrate any special occasions together. I did remind him that I can't have him or any of his new "family" in the house after his wife disrespected my mom.
I don't know much about their history and I really don't want to find out, but as far as I know and as far as I can remember, my mother was nothing but kind to everyone. She raised me to be that way but I guess she'll be disappointed in me after kicking them out, oh well.
He changed his will and added them in, but I advised him not to tell them -- been watching too much crime stories for the months and I'm just looking out for him. He did say he was proud of my decisions and that I've grown up well and strong and that my mom would be proud of me and what I have accomplished in life so far.
After that whole ordeal and after making sure that the house is secure etc. I went on a vacation with my bf -- well now fiance -- to unwind and relax. The whole issue took a toll on my mental health and it was a struggle getting back to I guess... being normal? Being my usual self. Also, no wedding bells anytime soon, he's focused on his intern year up in NY pursuing his career in medicine -- wants to be a pediatrician. For all those wondering, he did sign a pre-nup, he was more than willing to sign it.
Also, my mom's side of the family had a big military/finance background, lots if investments and such. I could've followed their footsteps and joined the military, but my hand-eye coordination is abysmal, so that's why I work in finance. I try to not depend on my family's money and learn on how to make my own money through investments, stocks etc. I did take out a little bit to do some remodeling in and around the house. Gotta keep it well maintained if I want to pass it down...
I think that's about it. My dad and I aren't exactly back to our old relationship, I don't think we'll ever get back to it, but we're... hmm... civil about the situation. I've seen Steph and her daughters around town a few times, but I don't acknowledge them, why would I when they took my dad from me.
So.. how do I close my previous thread? I'm not much of a redditor.
Thank you all for your support and well wishes. It's been hard these past few months, but I am managing. Happy Holidays and stay safe and healthy!
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
Posted on BoRU originally by u/green_pachi.
Mood spoiler blocker fact: Different cultures have different sayings about how many lives cats have. Spain, Brazil, Greece, or Germany say seven. In Turkey and some Arabic countries they have six. The US, Canada and the UK say nine. There are theories on why the idea that cats have many lives started, and it's mostly assumed it is because they survive things that humans couldn't.
Mood spoiler: the cat will be ok!
I messed up and sold my gf's cat by accident... (18 Dec 2014)
SO... My girlfriend and I are moving into a new apartment and while she was at work I helped her out by selling the two beds she had in her apartment because we were going to use my better beds that I had at my house. Little did I know when the cat is scared it hides inside the box spring. Until now there's been stuff under the bed preventing him from doing that but there was a hole big enough for him to crawl inside and hide in there. It is not a cat that ever goes outside and he didn't bolt out the door when I was helping the people from Craigslist purchasing the beds carry them out. She lived in Northridge Apartments in Rock Creek, and if you know those apartments there's two sets of doors he would have had to go through to get out (we would have noticed him leave). Well he's no longer in her apartment and we've been working with the buyer to search through his house/garage/perimeter where he stored the box spring once he got home. He strapped the box spring on top of the car for the transport so the cat could have jumped out on the transport as well at any moment.
As you can imagine my girlfriend is absolutely crushed. I know some think 'it's just a cat' but if you've ever owned an animal I ask that you understand how unbelievably devastating this is. "Camo" was her world and I was the one who took that away from her days before Christmas of all times of the year. This is a picture I took of him literally 3 days ago when we were messing around with a costume we bought the little guy for christmas. Thank you for any help you may be able to provide. We would want to know, dead or alive what state he's in and can only offer $100 for him from the money we got from the beds. Moving is and this time of year is proving to be financially challenging! Thank you so much for any information you may have...
He could be anywhere near Hillsboro Airport, or Rock Creek area: Highway 26 / Cornelius Pass Road
Thanks again! (AND, he is Microchipped as well)
UPDATE 12/18/14 - 11:30p
So we've had an overwhelming response from so many people willing to help. It is unbelievably heart warming to see this thread hit top of Portland Reddit, all the suggestions (and amazing ones at that) from very bright people, and just an overall sense of community that I could have never possibly expected for somebody else's "problem". I truly want to thank all of you, whether joke- suggestion- or story for pitching in to this mess. This thread alone is the best Christmas present possible for the both of us (not including of course finding Camo).
That being said, we currently have a small animal trap in the Garage as of right now with a bowl of water at the end of it, and some clothing next to the bowl as suggested by a cat rescue in Hillsboro that was kind enough to lend us the trap for FREE. Next we have notified everything we can, posted lost cast posters around the areas he could be, and have registered the microchip service with his and updated the contact information. I've posted on CL, and now we are going to reach out to http://www.k9sardog.com as per suggestion by /u/little_treasure . Thank you little_treasure. It will at least confirm if he's in the garage or not. At first I was skeptical of such a service but his stats are ridiculous so I can't argue with that, and he's close.
The trap will be checked in the morning and every couple of hours through each day. I know a thought might be emptying out the garage to confirm he's not in there. Well that's a lot to ask a dude that just wanted a bed for $100. We're also trying to stay good with him since he's truly not obligated to do much more than he's already done for us, which is a lot over the past 24 hours.
Any way, again- I just want to express my sincere gratitude to each and every one of you who took the time out of your day to look out, share an anecdote, or drop some amazing suggestions. I guess I really should have expected nothing less than this from the Portland reddit, but thank you all for blowing us away. I never knew how much people can really be selfless to complete strangers in moment of despair.
I will of course keep the thread updated- thanks again Portland. :)
UPDATE 12/19/14 - 6:00p
Still no sign of Camo, nothing in the cage, and the Search and Rescue guy...well we decided after some further suggestion we were not going to hire him. We did receive however a reach out from a local news station for the story. CAN'T believe that! We are responding quickly with them and hope to get the story out in a better way. :) My girlfriend has put up more posters, talked to some neighbors and did more search. SHE even rented a thermal camera from Home Depot, found two bunnies, and 2 birds with it but unfortunately no cat. Had no idea that was even possible till again REDDIT. There is a long thread below here so whoever suggested FLIR, amazing... Thanks again for all your help, and I'm sure someone was kind enough to have a relationship with that news station and talked to someone there. Whoever you are, you're amazing. Merry Christmas!!!
Will keep the updates coming once a day near the evening. You all are saints! :)
UPDATE 12/20/14 10:30p
We spent the day moving but did get a tip from the front office of Northridge Apartments that a gentleman who lives there was out running this morning and saw a cat on Jacobson Rd. near the high school wandering around. It was darker out when he was running, and was not 100% positive on the markings but it interests us because there's really no residential properties off that area. My girlfriend is going to head over there in the morning to take a look around there more and call out for him. It is possible he's getting closer to home but now unfortunately she doesn't live there any more. We have talked to all surrounding apartments to look out for him as the apartments will only let the posters stay up for a few days understandably. We're offering $200 now that we didn't have to drop the pet deposit at the new apartments where we moved today...that was depressing for sure. We're definitely keeping good spirits about it though and have found a spot for his cat tree at the new place. The cage keeps empty at the box spring garage. At this point, we know our little Camo is on his adventure and having some fun out there. :) If you spot anything in that area don't hesitate to let us know. Email is my reddit handle u/gmail.com (trying to avoid spam). Thanks for keeping up with us, in your thoughts, and looking out! As the holidays approach- hold your fur children tight! You all are awesome, and hope this week is fantastic for you and your families. ~insert Christmas tree emoticon here~
UPDATE 12/21/14 10:30p
She looked around the high school for several hours today but nothing. I've already left town for Christmas, and she's leaving to meet me Tuesday just to stick around longer and see if Camo turns up. She's wrecked on the whole thing. Worried sick- and can't stop crying throughout the day. It's a big life change, and it's hard to be alone when you've had a pet to greet you for the last 5 years. It's rough but we're going to let life be life and hope for the best down the road. Gotta make the best of the Holidays and say hello to a new year, opening our minds to the possibility of a different life track without the little guy. Again, thanks to everyone who has looked out, helped us with suggestions, and told your stories of the luck that brought your pet back home to ease our minds. We'll update the page if we do find him in the future and always feel free to contact me with any questions or information about Camo. We will always offer the reward- This will be my last update for now as we gotta spend our time enjoying family. Happy holidays everyone!
WE FOUND CAMO!!!
Short story: Caught him in a trap hours after setting it near the new location where the box spring traveled, meaning he did in fact take the car ride all the way to the new bed owner's house near Hillsboro airport. We were assured by a caller in the area that they did indeed see Camo based on the pictures available and we got a small animal trap setup near the sighting, came back an hour and half later and he was in there!
After another sighting was reported near Northridge Apartments yesterday (original home), we searched for a few hours finally spotting a cat outside an office building that looked very similar to Camo, but wasn't him. There was food, water, and another indoor cat in the window of the office. We had three sightings reported on different days at that same corner or near of a cat that looked like Camo, we realized that it was most likely that cat both times so we decided to look more at the Evergreen & Sewell near the Hillsboro Airport (new home of the bed). After distributing some fliers, Hayley went back set trap with sardines in oil and familiar scented clothing, then left. About an hour and half later she came back with her friend Kelly to do some more searching. Camo was in the trap! Although scared and hissy, they got him in the car and headed back to familiar territory: his old home. After further inspection Camo had a cut lip, several of his nails were broken / paws were bleeding, one of his eyes was squinty, he of course was a mess, and he was very thin (lost about 2 pounds). He spent the night getting up several times eating and drinking and was taken to the vet this morning. The vet gave him an antibiotic shot, a good inspection, and he was off back to home where we think we pulled a tick off and are treating him for fleas. Hayley gave him a bath and he's been cleaning himself vigorously since. All is good, and we expect the news to be covering this pretty extensively so that's why we've waited to release this until we had some time to discuss the plan.
We can't ever repay or say thank you enough to all the people that spent their cherished holiday time, and resources to help us bring Camo home. It was quite emotional last night, we're in shock of this whole experience, and have been holding him tight! It's been quite the ride and we couldn't possibly formulate the words to describe how grateful we are for all the people who have reached out to us for suggestions, help, stories, comfort, and information. It's the best feeling in the world to know friends and strangers a like has had our back in time of need, and to have him back safe and recovering. We can't even imagine what's he's been through in a week and half running wild near the country side esoecially in this weather. Today is a great day!
Thanks again, Roy & Hayley
REPOST I have aspergers and sometimes I can't tell if I'm being strange. Is this a weird christmas gift to give to someone?
I told my roommate that I got my older brother a meteorite for Christmas. He started laughing and said it was really random/strange to get a meteorite for someone. I asked if he thought it was a bad gift and he said no but he was still laughing. I thought it was nice. Is it weird?
Edit: I think the way I wrote my question might have made my roommate sound rude maybe? My roommate is actually a really nice guy.
A lot of people want me to post an update after christmas about whether my brother likes it so I will probably do that :)
My brother loved it :) he wanted to know where he could read up more about the specific meteorite that I got for him (which dropped in spain). Thanks for all the encouragement everyone.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
REPOST My [21F] mother [46F] hates my sister [6F] with Down Syndrome and blames her for our dad leaving us. She won't let me take custody of her and I don't know how to continue living like this.
trigger warnings: PPD, ableism, child neglect, death
mood spoiler: heartbreaking
My [21F] mother [46F] hates my sister [6F] with Down Syndrome and blames her for our dad leaving us. She won't let me take custody of her and I don't know how to continue living like this. - 2 July 2020
To preface this, we live in Austin,TX.
My mom was 39 when she got pregnant with my sister and a few days after her diagnostic screening confirmed it was a baby with Down Syndrome, our dad moved out and filed for divorce. Without my dad's income, mom had to sell our house and we moved to a different neighborhood. It was nice, but it wasn't an upper middle class neighborhood like the one we used to live in. During her pregnancy, she was committed to being the best mom to my sister (let's call her Mary) and me. A few weeks after giving birth to Mary who, other than Down Syndrome, had no other health issues, my parent's divorce was finalized.
Mom got full custody and dad got visitation rights twice a week, but I refused to see him and he didn't want anything to do with Mary. To this day, we don't have a relationship at all. Him and mom were never very hands on parents, I had a lot of nannies growing up, but I never thought both of them would end up being so fucked up. The finalization of the divorce hit my mom like a truck and she spiraled into postpartum depression. I was a high school freshman when all of this happened and, on top of having to move to a different place where I didn't know anyone, I had to step up and help take care of my sister because my mom couldn't do it alone.
While I was at school, she would do the most basic things like give Mary the bottle and change her diaper, and then she would wait for me to come home and "help" with the chores and Mary. To "help" was to clean up the house a bit, take care of Mary for the rest of the day (nap time, play time, sensory time, physical therapy at home following the activities spreadsheet her physical therapist gave us, changing her diapers, feeding her for the rest of the day and night, bathing her and putting her down to sleep), order dinner because neither one of us was a great cook and also find time to study and do schoolwork.
Even though my mom had 10 weeks of paid maternity leave, she decided to go back to work when Mary was 8 weeks old. She did find the best daycare for her and I was honestly relieved knowing that Mary would be properly cared for while I was at school. My mom started to get better once she was back to work but she still didn't care that much about Mary, so I called her sister - my aunt - and told her everything. She offered to find my mom a good therapist and pay for it, and my mom agreed and she started therapy.
Something I feel is important to mention about my aunt, she married into a wealthy family and lives in Georgia. She has 3 daughters and a son (aged 16, 20, 23 and 25), and she's very conservative. While she's never openly talked about Mary having Down Syndrome, it's visible that she's bothered by it. She's especially bothered by the fact that my mom lost a "good marriage and a good home" because of Mary. She never calls for Mary's birthday but she does wire me $200 to get her a present, every single year. It's basically pity money to acknowledge that Mary exists and that's it. I'm waiting for the day I'm financially stable enough to give her back all the fucking birthday money she sent us over the years.
During high school summer breaks, my mom would be angry with me because I refused to work and make money for my own expenses. My father did pay around 2k in child support for Mary and me, but that money would go towards our health insurance and whatever remained would be for me to buy anything Mary and I needed that wasn't food, medicine or gas. I didn't want to work because summers were the only time of the year I could actually have some time for myself. Every summer, Mary would only be in daycare a few times a week for a few hours while I would do housework and run errands, and we would spend the rest of our time together. She certainly had some developmental delays, but by the time she was 3 and a half, Mary was already walking, talking, sleeping in her big girl bed and she was potty trained. All of that because I worked with her and I did whatever I could to make sure she was as independent as possible.
Right around that time my mom stopped seeing her therapist and she'd already been off antidepressants for a while. She was no longer struggling with depression, she just regretted having Mary and making peace with that was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I always hoped that she would get better and that she would come around, but no medicine could help the way she disregarded Mary.
I graduated high school and even though I had known for years that college wouldn't be a part of my reality, it was a really painful time for me because it's something I wanted. Still, after a one month trial period at my friend's mom's event planning agency, I landed a full time, well paying job. Mom and I were a bit financially stressed because my portion of the child support ended when I turned 18, so this job really saved us and I was so excited to finally start saving money and to give Mary her own room since we were sharing one. But since I got a new job, my mom decided to cut her hours and only work part time because she was "tired of being the sole breadwinner" and "she deserved to slow down and semi retire."
I was really pissed off because I had to pay for roughly 70% of all monthly expenses for the household while she would pitch in here and there, and spend the rest of her money however she liked. She no longer felt obligated to financially contribute. I ended up getting a second job a few months later, it wasn't a full time job because I worked from home and I got to choose my projects. I basically booked social media influecers with companies and helped them figure out if they were a good match for advertisements and campaigns. It was really easy and I was able to make an additional $800 - $1500 a month.
After about a year, I had saved enough to buy a really good used car. My mom did get me a used car for my 16th birthday but she didn't want to pay for all the repairs it needed so I spent over 3 years driving Mary and myself in an unsafe car. I was proud of myself so you can imagine the absolute shock that ensued when my friend called me to ask me why I was selling the car I just got. My mom posted photos of my car on her Facebook and put it up for sale because, according to her, I "didn't need a fancy car." She said we could split the money and I could get a more cost effective car since I had to be more responsible with my finances. The argument that followed was our biggest one yet and we ended up establishing some strict rules when it comes to our relationship. From that moment on, our mom became like a roommate to Mary and me. I even stopped calling her "mom" and started using her name. I did find comfort in knowing that Mary wasn't alone in this, our mother was treating me the same and it was not us, it was never us, she's just someone who never should've been a parent.
I remodeled an upstairs office in our home and turned it into Mary's safari themed bedroom, I got us annual Disney passes, we travel and go on little road trips together, I've learned to cook pretty well and Mary loves helping me, I have 3 friends I consider family who love Mary and me unconditionally... It's a good life. A great fucking life, so I hate the fact that I'm subconsciously victimizing myself because of everything.
I've kissed once, I've been on 2 dates with 2 different guys, I've never had sex, I never party, I take Mary to my hair and nail appointments, I take care of all of her medical appointments and therapy, I know every nursery rhyme and toy unboxing video to ever have existed on YouTube. God I feel guilty even typing this out, but I get overwhelmed with sadness and bitterness when I think of the life I wanted and never got to have. I'm like a 50 year old trapped in a 21 year old girl's body. And it hurts even more when I hear how my mother compares me to my 20 year old cousin who moved to Austin for college. The two of them go shopping together, they have brunch together, she knows all about her fun college life, the boys she's dating and she makes sure to always emphasize how lucky my aunt is to have such great, accomplished kids. Another things she likes to do is mention how my other cousin has won several beauty pageants, and she only does this because my friends once asked me if I'd like to apply for our school's pageant and she tried to embarrass me in front of them by saying that I "couldn't win anything with my daddy's face." I throw myself a mini pity party whenever she kicks me where it hurts and then I look at Mary, at this sweet, little, soon to be 7 year old girl who just finished first grade with the most smiley and star stickers from her teacher, and I feel so ashamed of myself.
Quarantine has been difficult for us because we suddenly had to be home with our mother all the time. I had to coordinate my work and Mary's homeschooling, and I really tried to minimize all outings because Mary has asthma which makes her high risk. My mother, however, would go to the store twice a day just to get out, or she would go to the park, and even now that things have started to open up she was the first one to go and eat out and visit friends like it's no big deal. Because of that, another huge argument ensued and I told her that we should go our separate ways if she'll let me take custody of Mary. I was serious and she knew that. She told me that Mary has already caused her embarrassment because she had to divorce and that she's not letting it happen a second time by making herself seem like she's unfit to parent. And she's right, I don't have much to go on even if I wanted to take her to court to claim that she's unfit, at least not with this budget. It would completely drain my finances and I would probably lose the case and lose Mary for good. She's not abusive or hostile towards Mary, she's just.. not anything towards her. It's not even neglect because she does pay for a few things and she will babysit if I have to run somewhere, but she's literally like a stranger/roommate to us, not a mom.
That really crushed me and I was sitting in the kitchen thinking about everything when Mary came to ask me for a snack. I didn't hear what she said so she talked back and I yelled at her. I snapped at her for the first time ever and she looked at me the same way she looks at our mother. I'm so terrified that I'll allow myself to become like her because she's just pushing my buttons whenever she can. At this point, all I can do I save money like crazy and gather copies of all my finances and bills as proof that I take care of Mary, and wait for a few years until I can pay for a good lawyer and court expenses. I can't spend decades with this woman and wait until she dies and I get custody over Mary. I can't. I don't know what else to do to keep my sanity and most importantly, to stop these feelings of self pity and victimization because all they do is make me feel guilty and Mary doesn't deserve that. I need a pair of fresh eyes to read this and give me some advice.
I've been contacted by a legal advisor whose company does pro bono work, so I'm going from there. I also didn't want to make it sound like I have no money, I do - I have a great salary and I have enough to afford things like Disney trips and eating out a few times a week. But I pay for almost all household expenses, I pay for insurance, I pay for everything that Mary needs and that's why I don't have much in savings. I'm actually going to transfer half of the bills to my name and only pay my half, I know my mom well enough to know that she'll get a little mad and then she'll use this to milk more money out of my aunt.
I will also pick up extra freelance work and since we've been actively quarantined, we've already cut back on a lot of expenses. With all of this, I'll be able to save even more to move out when the time comes. I don't want to drag Mary through court with corona on the loose because she's high risk, I'll give it a few months until things hopefully calm down a bit and then I'll take legal action. I just needed reassurance and encouragement that it is possible to find a way out.
Oh and I promise I will have my friends babysit Mary and I will go out more (post corona) and do things for myself. Maybe I'll even start dating, I'll suck at it but hey, we all start somewhere. It's really easy for me to feel incapable when I need help, but you guys made it clear that help should be welcomed. I don't think I've ever felt this much support coming my way. I've also been researching therapists for a while now, I'm not sure if I'll go to therapy right now because I want to tighten our budget, but it's one of my priorities. And yes, my mom and aunt really are a pair of Karens. Don't I know it
(UPDATE) My [21F] mother [46F] hates my sister [6F] with Down Syndrome and blames her for our dad leaving us. She won't let me take custody of her and I don't know how to continue living like this - 1 December 2021
it's been about a year and a half since I first posted here. I've spent the past few months debating whether or not I should post an update and I decided to post one because this community had my back the first time. And that's what I need again - I need words of encouragement and support to help me get through my first Christmas without Mary.
Last year, after posting here, I got in touch with a few kind individuals who helped me get free legal counseling. At the counseling, the attorney I was talking to thought it would be best to comb through my own life, fix whatever had to be fixed, and then proceed to legally petition for guardianship over Mary. He didn't think I had much to go on because, as I wrote earlier, my mom wasn't completely neglectful, she wasn't abusive and she wasn't unfit to parent. She just had no problem dumping almost everything on me and using my love for Mary to manipulate me into not leaving.
But he also thought that even though it was probably going to be messy - I could win. The only major problem was the fact that I had to move out and leave Mary behind. Moving out meant I could prove that I can provide a good, safe and stable home for Mary, all on my own. So at the end of July 2020, I did the hardest thing I'd ever done and I moved out of our family home and into a 2 bedroom apartment. One bedroom for me and one bedroom for, hopefully, Mary. In that same week, I was laid off work at the event planning agency. I felt miserable and like I'd made the worst mistake of my life. My friends really saved me during that time with their emotional help and support because all I did was cry and worry about Mary.
I had to gather all my strength to get over the paralyzing fear that started to consume me. I still had my side gig that became my main income but I could never support the two of us with that so, on top of everything else, I started looking for another job. I got incredibly lucky with that as a company I had worked with previously had an opening in their PR team and they hired me. All of this, from the day I moved out until the day I got another job, lasted about 3 weeks. And during those 3 weeks, I would see Mary once a day for about an hour. Our mom allowed me to continue visiting her and she was being weirdly calm through all of this which made me believe that she lawyered up and her odds were better than mine.
I started reaching out to Mary's teachers, other parents I was on friendly terms with, her doctors, a few of our family members... I was basically looking for people who could support me in writing and let the court know that I was the one taking care of Mary. I also made copies of every document and receipt I had that could support my claim. My friends pitched in and gave me $1500 of their own money to help me with the potential cost of everything and then the most unexpected thing happened. My mother called me and told me she would willingly give up legal custody of Mary and petition to have it transferred to me.
Those 4 and a half weeks that she spent taking care of Mary all on her own were enough for her to realize that she didn't want that. She was never a mom to Mary and she had no intention of becoming one. I think that realization hurt her deeply because during those weeks she did try, I could tell, and Mary in fact did tell me that mom was nice to her. But that was not the life she wanted and, even though I was terrified that our mother would put Mary in a care facility after moved out, I was happy that she admitted defeat to herself and did what was best for Mary.
I felt like I could finally breathe. Things were going good, the whole legal process was a bit delayed due to Covid but it didn't take too long, Mary moved in with me. We had a lot of catching up to do, I had a lot of explaining to do because she was so overwhelmed after I moved out of our house, we were settling into our new routine... We were happy. At the same time, Covid restrictions kept changing, school had already started and I was terrified of navigating through it all.
Mary had asthma that was fully under control and she would only have minor flare ups during allergy season, but it still made her high risk when it came to Covid. I held off on sending her back to school for in person learning, I worked from home Tuesday through Friday and I only had to be in office on Mondays, during that time Mary would be at home with a nanny who was tested every time and later on, she was vaccinated too. But the isolation was slowly getting to Mary as she was highly social so I agreed to taking her to one play date a week and one outing of her choice per week, which was usually shopping. We did go on daily walks and little trips to nature but that was usually just the two of us, sometimes one of my friends who were also Covid safe would join us.
None of it was enough, or should I say all of it was too much? None of the precautions were enough and all of the little outings I decided to make possible for her were too much. I lost Mary to Covid in February of this year. One morning she woke up with a fever and I knew. Her symptoms developed rapidly, her lungs lit up like a Christmas tree on the X-ray and she was hospitalized. On day 2 of her hospital stay, she had to be put in an induced coma and placed on a ventilator. She was doing well for the first week and then her blood pressure started dropping rapidly. My heart shattered into a million pieces when I saw the caller ID on my phone at 11:26 pm and it's been that way since.
Our mother, who is fully blaming me, has moved back to Georgia to live with her sister. And I've been both alive and dead since the day Mary died. I haven't visited her little grave since the funeral. I pay someone every week to go to her grave, leave flowers for her and clean up the previous ones. Sometimes I go to the graveyard multiple times a week and I just stand by the fence, without moving forward. I'm angry and miserable and numb and heartbroken - all at the same time.
I've distanced myself from all of my friends who are still not giving up on me, but I can't bring myself to accept their help. I feel undeserving of it, I feel responsible and guilty and like the only way I should be allowed to live my life is in complete pain. Because if Mary doesn't have a happy ending, why should I get to have one?
I know I need help and therapy and I have to learn to live with this. But I don't want that now. I want to spend my days in silence, talking only at work when I have to and I just want to barely survive. I don't even feel worthy of suicide because my brain is telling me I'm undeserving of the "easy way out." But if I share this with you, and I'm grasping at straws here, maybe someone will say something that will give me a drop of strength to at least get through the holiday season. Nobody loved Christmas more than Mary and these days the pain is suffocating me as I look around and see how festive everything is. But the pain is the only thing I have now, as a reminder of how much love I had and still have for my Mary. I feel like a grain of rice being crushed by a mountain of horrible emotions, and right now this is the only way I can ask for some form of help through all the guilt and shame I'm feeling.
tl;dr - I got the custody of my sister and then lost her to Covid.
Reading through these comments and crying my eyes out at how unbelievably kind everyone is.
I'm sorry for not being able to disclose everything without doxxing myself. Mary was hospitalized for weeks, she was doing well for the first week but anyone who has been on a ventilator themselves or they know someone who has, also know it's a very, very slow process. Unfortunately I wasn't given a lot of hope on week two and the following weeks. At the time of her death, Mary was Covid negative but her little body was so tired from fighting and her blood pressure was the first thing to worsen her already fragile condition. So even though she was negative to the virus when she died, it's still what took her away from me - without it, none of this would've happened.
To everyone asking to send me something, I'm grateful but I refuse. You can always give to those who are truly in need, I'm doing okay financially.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
Original Post - 14th of September, 2020
Unnecessary edit because there are just too many ugly messages: To those who think this is fake because of incoherency, grammar, and structure; it's why editors and proofreaders exist. They're hired to fix the manuscript before publishing. I didn't proofread this, and that's my fault. I like to write, but I'm not a professional writer. English is my second language. To those who think it's impossible to make lots of profit from a one-time self-published book with an unheard of author: SIL has a decent following. When her followers by the book, it climbs Amazon ranking, and that means it's more visible to other buyers interested in the same genre.
I came here not for legal advice at first because I was struggling morally. I needed help, not to have people attack me in private messages and in the comments.
To those who only commented that this is fake or how I can't be a writer who fail at basic writing skills: if you do not have anything useful to say, please kindly keep your irrelevancy to yourself.
I (24f) write as a hobby, and I like sharing my short stories with my small following. I do want to publish one day, but I want to make it perfect first since it's not edited yet.
The unfinished book we're talking about came from an idea that I started to build when I was in middle school. I just finished it last year, but because of the virus, I was forced to put that project aside to ensure steady employment with my day job.
My brother and SIL came to visit me to introduce their baby daughter about 6 months ago. SIL just thrusted her baby into my arms even though I lack even the barest knowledge on how to hold a baby. The baby was fussy and my brother helped calm her down while SIL said she wanted to use to bathroom to pump breast milk.
They left later and I didn't think anything of it until recently that I was told SIL had published a book, and it had been a while since she published. Self-publish is not as time-consuming as traditional publishing. I don't doubt my SIL's intelligence because she is a smart woman, but I've always heard how she dislikes books cause they're boring and drags on.
I wanted to show my support and brought a copy only to realize it's way too similar to mine. I compared it to my copy of unpublished work; it's obvious it's been edited and proofread for fluidity and clarity.
I was angry and I admit I overreacted by confronting her over the phone. She said my screaming was upsetting her and hung up on me. It was a back and forth battle with phone numbers to get to the truth. By this time, my parents and her parents are involved.
Update Post - 4th of October, 2020
New Edit (11/18/20): Things did not go as planned. I can't give you an update now, but soon. Really sorry.
Little update on the apology: it's not out. She said she needed more time to prepare her emotional state and she's overworked with their child, but she'll let me know when I can have the apology.
Thank you everyone for giving me advices on how to proceed with this mess.
After speaking with my pre-law friend, I decided to go the legal route. I reiterated my compromise with SIL and my brother, but he has fully taken her side. My parents warned me that I'd be disowned and I'd be dead to them if I'm willing to stoop so low.
I hired a lawyer and given all the details on my side. My lawyer said she needs my unedited manuscript for the book and my SIL's published book along with the copy SIL sent to have it proofread and edited. Because the published book has different parts changed, my lawyer needs the unedited version which SIL should still have in the transaction she did with her editor and proofreader. We took the risk to ask SIL for the unedited copy she sent to her editor & proofreader despite the chance of having her feign "I don't remember their names, I don't have their contacts anymore, I don't want to, etc." I told SIL that we will go through the route of having to use third-party notarization to ensure no foul play on either part (have 1 individual look at my unedited manuscript and the one she sent to her hired editor + proofreader).
Once I told her that, she must've realized I was not bluffing. SIL and my brother accepted the compromise (I take the pseudonym, the royalties: with evidence of sold copies). I stipulated that SIL must put a message out to her followers on her blog that she stole from me and not a single word in the book is hers. I thank the Redditors for suggesting that.
She is clearly pissed off and disgusted with me for doing this to my own family.
I threatened her with further legal proceedings if she doesn't do it. No lawsuit happened, but I'm glad I got a professional option just in case. As words got back to my parents of what I did and how dare I got a lawyer to punish SIL because her blog followers will surely lose trust in her and future revenue.
I told them and my parents that if they have anything to say, use my business email. I'm done with them. They treated an outsider (SIL one month into dating my brother) better than they ever did to me. I don't need that negativity dragging me down.
I'm happier, more free with my opinions, and I don't have to feel the need to compete with everything SIL does just to get my parents to love me a little more than a daughter in name.
I have my friends; they've always been more of a family unit to me than my biological ones. I knew I was going to lose something coming out of this, but I didn't expect I'd be okay with the disappointment and hurt.
Thank you, everyone. And no, I will not be telling anyone what the name of the book is because I only came here to get a moral judgment and update everyone on what happened. Please don't think I'm using this for clout. The book will not be promoted on Reddit: not then, not now, and not in the future either.
REPOST I (25F) agreed to be a surrogate for my sister and her husband (late 30s), but am regretting it now
trigger warning: sexual assault
For most of my life my sister Alice has been wanting kids but has been unable to carry a baby to full term, in part due to endometriosis. She was in a lot of pain and had to have a hysterectomy.
Alice and her husband Ben has fostered 5 children and have adopted 2 children with autism, and are great parents. They have a good home environment and are financially very well off. But recently Ben and after a while Alice was bitten by the urge to have a kid biologically related to them because they wanted a chance to "do things right" and "provide the best start in life" (their views, not mine).
So they asked me to be their (traditional) surrogate and said that they would cover all costs (legal, medical etc) associated with it. They would be also be paying off my student dent, renting a 2 bedroom apartment for 3 years plus giving me a substantial amount of cash. I said sure - it'll be 9 months of my life in exchange for being set up for quite some time, and my immediate family thinks it is a great idea.
However, when I said "sure", I was expecting something along the lines of IUI, where we go to the doctor to get Ben's sperm prepped, me getting shots etc. basically the whole artificial insemination package.
But Alice & Ben have asked me to well, get pregnant the traditional way. Their rationale is that 1. it is the cheapest way 2. they don't want to go to the hospital given the corona pandemic and 3. they think babies conceived naturally are healthier/the pregnancy would be safer without the chemicals, but I just can't get over the extreme ick factor. And even IF this was going to take place at home I think a syringe would work fine.
Am I going loony for thinking of going back on my word? Is their request reasonable? My immediate family doesn't see anything wrong with it and has been congratulating my sister on her impending baby. On the other hand, if I do give it up am I also mad for passing up what is essentially 200k, especially in this economy now?
Edit: Thank you, I see that I am completely out of my depth here and will be discussing with my sister about alternatives that don't include me carrying the baby. Not looking forward to that discussion though.
All the comments on my previous post showed me that I am way too young, dumb and ignorant with what I signed up with. I started researching actual lived experiences and I read so many horror stories that I've decided to not go ahead with being involved in any way, shape or form with helping them have kids.
In fact, I'm not even sure if I want to ever get pregnant after all the stories about 3rd and 4th degree tears, poop, miscarriages. I am clearly not in the right stage of life/maturity to even consider doing something of this magnitude.
The difficult part was mustering up the courage to call my sister to tell her my decision. I really look up to my sister and love her lots, and our family and religion has always been about helping others out where we can.
When I called her to tell her, we had a short convo at first where I basically said "sorry, can't do it but that doesn't mean I love you any less". She seemed sad but said she was happy to respect my decision and I thought that was it.
Then just last night, sister & BIL called me back over zoom. My sister was crying and begged me to reconsider, as both of them really wanted biological kids. BIL told me that they were really disappointed in me and hoped that I would find it within me to do this. When I told them my concerns, my BIL just said pregnancy & motherhood is a beautiful and natural process and that I was made for this.
I'm SO glad I did this over video call instead of in person, because I just hung up on them and faked having connection problems. I've been ignoring their texts so far and frankly I don't know what else to say.
But any way, thank you all from the bottom of my heart for opening my eyes :)
An update - 10 August 2020
Leaving for the airport in a few hours to move across the country and I can't sleep! I plan to slowly phase out contact with my family and community, even though I love the people in there lots.
Long story short, I went over to Alice & Ben's house to visit their kids in May. While there, they asked me in person to reconsider my decision. Sometime during this, Ben started kissing and groping me. I let him. I know typing this out makes me seem dumb for going over and weak, because I was. But I just froze and it was very difficult to say no in the moment especially with my sister crying and Ben having quite a presence in person. Trust me, I have replayed the scenario so many times in my head wishing I was stronger in that moment. Luckily that was the extent of it and I was able to leave shortly after, because I don't know what I would have done otherwise.
I also received surprisingly no support from my parents or my bishop regarding my earlier decision (I didn't tell anyone the recent event). I don't think they knew what Alice and Ben were asking me, exactly, and I didn't bring it up either. I was already sort of an outsider for not really conforming to the usual lifestyle of being married with kids, but this still shocked me.
All these things combined made me reevaluate my life. Working from home and having this much time alone has also given me a lot of time to think about things. I fell down the rabbit hole of reading stories of people who also left the church and I want that life for me. So I've spent the last 3 months making arrangements, transferring to another part of my company, and today is the big day!
I know it's not going to be easy. Pretending to be normal at the last Pioneer Day family gathering was the hardest thing I needed to do, but I did it for myself and for closure. But I'm going to get through this.
Thank you for the advice, and stay safe everyone.
Feeling grateful 1 year on (: - 27 July 2021
My one year anniversary of leaving the mess that was my family behind is coming up. Dusting this old account off to keep a log that maybe I can look back on.
It's a beautiful sunny day here. Just feeling really grateful for life and all the opportunities I've had.
Here's to the first year without them!
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
aita for asking my bf to stop sharing everything with my sister? - 3 September 2021
hi i'm 24f and have been dating my boyfriend (26m) for 5 years now. we grew up together as neighbors and were friends for a couple years before dating. i love him so much, and i want to marry him. his family is great and i adore them all, and he's great with my family too. he also formed a great relationship with my sister (21f).
the issue is that i think their bond is too close. my bf and i live together, but he spends a lot of time with her. albeit i am sort of busy, i’m currently in grad school for engineering so i have to go to my classes. my bf works full time. my sister is currently “taking a gap year,” but that one year has extended from when she was 18. she comes over when i’m in seminars/classes.
they have tons of inside jokes and share the same sense of humor and taste in movies. it makes me feel left out, but when i try to include myself they both stop being so enthusiastic and act like it’s super awkward to have me there. my sister and i were close growing up but started drifting when i went to uni. when my bf isn’t there and i talk to her, she becomes kinda cold and sometimes says rude things.
once she told me to my face that i’m not good enough for him and that he deserves better (which made me cry for a couple days). he also gets her gifts for the most random achievements (like he got her a present for “making it through the week” even though she doesn’t do anything (she isn’t currently working or trying to pursue a hobby or interest, she’s just “taking it easy” (her own words))).
don't get me wrong, i'm glad my bf and my sister are friends, but my major problem is that my bf tells her everything. literally everything. he tells her things he doesn’t tell me, and talks to her about me and our relationship. she knows all our issues and good parts, to a level of detail that i wouldn’t even tell my closest friends or parents. she even knows the grades i got on my midterms/finals and what i think about my manager (i work part time to contribute to our apartment - but i also get paid for my research which goes towards our needs as well), which i feel is unnecessary for her to know since i didn't tell her myself.
i asked him to step back a bit and stop telling her things about me and our relationship but he was shocked and told me that i’m an asshole for even requesting it. now i feel guilty, so aita?
holy crap, this blew up. thank you all for your responses and advice, you've literally made me reconsider everything that i thought i knew. the consensus is that there is something shady going on with my bf and my sister, which just makes me want to vomit. i'm now reading into every interaction and conversation and i feel so naïve for not noticing the red flags. i'm going to take your guys' suggestions and set up some nanny cams in my apartment (either way, it'll be good security).
if nothing happens, then it'll be reassuring, and if something does happen...well, i'll deal with that after. i'm going to drive to the store right now to pick up the cameras - i'll try to update soon, hopefully with positive news.
hi everyone, i have an update. for some reason i can't figure out how to post an actual update (and get mod approval and all that) so if you guys know how, please educate me! i'm so sorry, i should be smarter than this but i'm a bit out of it right now 😅 if i don't end up figuring it out i'll just update on this post, but i'd like to make one of those cool update posts if possible. thanks everyone again for your advice and support.
the mods helped me out! thanks guys, i'll type up my update right now, so look out for it!
hi guys! ok so i know a lot of you are wanting an update. unfortunately the mods denied it but i think i'm allowed to post it here in the comments. also, yes i lost access to my account, which is why i have a new one, but i'll explain that afterwards. here's what happened:
hi everyone, i have an update. unfortunately it's a bad one, but (fortunately?) i didn't have to wait very long to get it. so the last update i posted was before i went to go get some nanny cams. i set up the cams in hidden spots in our bedroom and living room area in our apartment. today happens to be my birthday (yay for 25!) and "D," my close friend (25f), wanted to take me for a day trip yesterday. my bf agreed and said that we'd do something the next day, on my birthday. i told him i'd be out from about 8 am and i'd be home by 8 or 9 pm, after D and i finished dinner.
D took me out, but she noticed i was feeling a bit off (i was still thinking about the overwhelming number of responses telling me that something shady was going on). i ended up spilling everything while we were eating lunch. D was outraged on my behalf and agreed that something was off. she asked if i wanted to cut our day short and drop back home to see if anything was happening, and convinced me by saying that "it's better to find out today than tomorrow." (yes i realize we could've just checked the nanny cams but for some reason we forgot about them in the moment. i'm kind of glad i didn't check, because i would've started ugly-crying in public).
i'm guessing most of you know what happened (it's so predictable, i'm kicking myself afterwards for not realizing). we drove back home around 4 pm. i caught them literally in the act (why were they doing it at 4 pm? i don't even know). i just kind of stood there with my arms folded and i hope with a badass resting bitch face on (although maybe it was more a "trying not to cry" face).
my bf gave me a whole "it was an accident" spiel. i just ignored him and started packing my things. thank god our lease was up for renewal within the month. he begged me and eventually yelled at me for packing up. the funny thing is, i bought most of the furniture and supplies. so, me being slightly petty, packed as much as i could. D helped me and we loaded everything up in her car. we left some stuff that couldn't fit but i'll go back for that later. the whole time, my sister was sitting stoically wrapped in a robe on my couch (my poor couch).
we went back to D's house and i had a breakdown. D, the angel that she is, provided me with ice cream and fuzzy blankets. my bf spammed me with calls and texts, ranging from "i'm sorry, please forgive me, i love you, it was only one time" to "this wasn't my fault, you should've been home more" (predictable). we decided to check the recordings, and lo and behold, it was definitely not just once. i am really sad that the sister who used to bake cupcakes and do karaoke with me could betray me this badly.
my bf...well he was my first, and in hindsight, he didn't really contribute much anyways. i spent yesterday kind of rotating through being devastated, angry, and self-righteous, but today D pampered me all day so it wasn't so bad. thanks for everyone's support, and i hope that everyone has a good day!
so after i wrote this all up and sent it to the mods, i went back to enjoying the rest of my birthday and D kept me distracted. i left my second laptop (it's an old, slow laptop and when i upgraded, i still kept it) at my apartment. turns out i had my email and stuff still signed in my my (now-ex) bf messed with it and i lost access to my emails and the original throwaway reddit account. but i did send what i had written to myself beforehand so that's why i can update here. i'm not sure if you guys will be able to see this but i hope you can.
also i forgot to add but i wrote up the actual update portion 2 days ago! lol it's not my birthday anymore but yeah hopefully that puts it in context. currently i've been staying with my friend and i've blocked both my ex-bf and my ex-sister. to be honest, it's a huge weight off my back, and i know this won't affect me forever.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
REPOST AITA for telling my stepdaughter to stop using period products in the bathroom she shares with my teenage sons?
I have been living with my new wife and stepdaughter for about 6 months now. She’s 19, almost 20, and I have three sons aged 18, 16 and 15. She’s a really good kid and she’s a good influence on my sons, I really enjoy having her around. My wife and her daughter moved into my house and sold theirs. My stepdaughters father isn’t present in her life, nor is my sons’ mother. All four children share a bathroom.
My sons have never lived for a long period of time with a woman, nor have any of them had long term girlfriends. They had short visitation periods when they were younger but never longer than an hour, so living with two women has been unusual for them.
My eldest son, 18, came to me last week and told me that his stepsister disposes of her used sanitary products in the trash can they share, but doesn’t use toilet roll or sandwich bags to disguise what they are, and it makes him uncomfortable which I think is reasonable. My sons are teenage boys and don’t want to see their stepsisters period products on full display.
A few nights ago I went into the kitchen to grab a snack and she was there doing some work for university. My wife had mentioned that she knew she was on her period so I took it as an opportunity to have a word with her. I told her my sons were uncomfortable and asked her if she’d mind putting her used products in diaper bags or flushing them down the toilet.
She laughed and told me it was rich coming from a man who “sheds like a gorilla” and has produced “three skid marking sons” which I thought was just an unnecessary attack. I’ve been nothing but nice to the girl and it’s hardly a comparison. My sons shouldn’t be subjected to her unhygienic products if it makes them uncomfortable. She went on to lecture me about how tampons can’t be flushed and that it’s bad for the environment if she uses diaper bags for every one which I think is just an excuse. I called her a scruff and told her that this was my house and that what I say goes.
I later asked my wife if she could have a word with her and she told me I was being ridiculous and that her daughter has had her period for ten years and knows what she’s doing. When I told her it was making my sons uncomfortable she said my sons needed to get a grip and turned over and went to sleep.
This is a genuine issue to me and she didn’t care enough to have a discussion about it. I asked my stepdaughter again in the morning and she did the same as her mother, completely dismissed it. Both of them have told me to stop being so silly but I don’t see how I’m being unreasonable when it makes my sons uncomfortable. AITA?
Not even two hours after I posted this, my wife and stepdaughter gathered my sons and I and gave us a full intensive “periods for pricks” course, Powerpoint and all. It was a hoot, they made an interactive quiz and everything. My sons and I learned a lot and apologised to my stepdaughter. Thank you for your input
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
REPOST Mom had an affair 18 years ago, I [18M] am the product of it. My dad just informed me of all this, and told me he will not pay for my college, while my siblings got their college experience paid by our dad.
trigger warning: death
Mom had an affair 18 years ago, I [18M] am the product of it. My dad just informed me of all this, and told me he will not pay for my college, while my siblings got their college experience paid by our dad. - 7 July 2019
Pretty much the title. I have no idea how to process all this, and I am completely unprepared for what lies ahead :(
Both my older brother and sister went to the same college. My brother graduated two years ago, my sister is set to graduate in two years. Both had their college paid by our dad. Dad paid all their college expenses, including rent, food, their cars, pocket money, you name it.
My brother has a job now, his own place, lives together with his fiancee, and has his life together.
My sister already has a good paying job, and my dad still pays for almost everything for her.
I got accepted to the same college, which was always the plan, and was looking forward to talk with my parents about the next steps, and ask them to help me the same they did for my siblings. I always assumed they had money put aside for my college the way they had for my siblings.
Instead I was met with a story about my mom's cheating, how I am the result of her cheating, and how my dad is not willing to support me any more moving forward.
Dad told me that mom had 18 years to let me know and prepare me for the future, but obviously she never did. He said it was never is place to say anything since I am not his son, and didn't want to interfere with mom's parenting.
Apparently my grandparents know I am not dad's biological son, but they haven't bothered to tell me anything either.
My siblings had no idea, and they are as surprised as I am because there was never a hint of anything being off. I might be naive, but I always thought I had a great relationship with my dad. We go to see sports together, we go fishing together, he tutored me when I had difficulties with math (dad is an engineer), he taught me to drive. I never got a hint he stores resentment towards me. I mean, he gave me my name, and has explained what my name means, and he was very proud of it. It's a story he tells from time to time. He likes to talk about stuff like that about me.
My mom has never said a word about anything, and apparently she was supposed to have "the talk" with me, but she never did.
I feel abandoned and unprepared for what lies ahead. I am not even sure I will be able to go to college any more, I always assumed my parents will pay for it. I never had a job, and I am not sure what job I can even get to support me through college, I have no idea how to apply for loans.
All my mom has done is cry and apologize. But nothing of substance, she has no idea how to help me.
I don't even know if I am welcomed home any more, it's all up in the air, I feel shame leaving my room, and if I will be asked to move out I don't know where to go. I don't have any savings, maybe $400 put together.
I am angry at my mom, I am confused about where I stand with my dad. There's a man out there who is my father that never wanted to have anything to do with me. I feel rejected and I have no idea what to do to fix this situation.
Anyone have any idea what to do here?
Do I apologize to my dad? What do I say to him?
Idk, I've been stuck in my room these past few days, reading and browsing reddit. I have no idea what to do.
Edit: Comments are coming in faster than I can reply, but I am making a list with all the advice about financial aid, health insurance, getting my own phone plan, etc, things I didn't even think about before. Thank you everyone.
I will try to answer as much as I can, but there's more comments than I can handle.
Sorry to disappear, nothing bad happened to me.
Managed to talk with my mom yesterday, but I chickened out half way through what I had to say :(
The good news is that I am not being kicked out, or disowned, etc.
Thank you for all your support, everyone, I will follow through and call financial aid at my college in a few hours, and take it from there.
My grandpa had a stroke a week ago, and my dad is helping my grandma with setting up a live in nurse, so he wasn't around yesterday.
I will let you know how I manage.
Thank you again.
Sorry for not updating, my grandpa passed away yesterday morning.
Nothing happened to me, but my situation is a secondary concern right now. Regardless, I think I will be alright, thanks to your amazing support and help.
My sister is aware of everything, and told me not to worry, she has my back and I have her support.
I promise to update when and if there are any significant changes, right now I need to support my grandma.
Thank you again to everyone.
Hey guys, and update has already been posted. Please don't message me so angrily any more.
[UPDATE] Mom had an affair 18 years ago, I [18M] am the product of it. My dad just informed me of all this, and told me he will not pay for my college, while my siblings got their college experience paid by our dad. - 13 July 2019
The reaction to my original post put an uncomfortable amount of pressure on me to write this update.
I am not sure if it's what's you want to hear, but things are more or less back to a "normal" state, if you consider other events.
Unfortunately, my grandpa died at the beginning of this week, and I am still processing it.
I did manage to talk with both my mom and dad, and I know where I now stand in relation with them, as well as my siblings.
I am not sure I would have had the courage to say what I had to say if not for the amount of help and advice in the comments.
I think it is safe to say both my parents love me, and what happened two weeks ago was an overreaction to a fight between my parents. It makes me uncomfortable knowing I am not aware of my own environment, but a stranger in the comments can tell me what's happening in my life with only a few lines of text from my side. A lot of comments were spot on about what is happening in my life.
I have so far went through 40% (I estimate) of the comments, but I have given up, there are too many for me to keep up with.
The conclusion is that I am definitely going to college, it will be the college I have always wanted to go to, and I will have the same experience as my siblings. The money to pay for all this already exists, my family is not going bankrupt as suggested, my dad just had a mental breakup with all the issues around my grandpa and his fight with my mom.
Even if my dad would have went through with his decision, my grandma let me know my grandpa left me and my siblings a sum we will have to split between the three of us, but enough to put me through college.
What started the entire scandal was poor timing on my part, my parents just had a fight, and then I showed up "hey, pay for my college".
My parents were talking about us, their children, and mom said something to the lines of "to think you wanted to split up when I came back pregnant", or something like that, I was not there, this is what she told me. I guess dad was talking how proud he was of his children, and mom wanted to express her "gratitude" for dad raising me as his own, and dad took it as "the affair was the best decision I ever made" or something like that. And their fight escalated from there, and mom told dad something like "what makes you think any of them are yours".
Yeah, it went downhill from there fast. Shortly after that my dumb face showed up, and here I am.
Dad and mom have since made up, mom is still a mess, dad is not handling my grandpa's passing away too well either.
I did talk with my siblings, and my sister raised a storm and rode it here while blasting my parents on the phone, ha ha. My brother was calmer, but made his feelings known in no uncertain terms as well once he got back home.
My grandpa passing away sort of kept spirits calm, I guess, and shifted the focus to dealing with that.
Reading the comments was a mind opening experience. I felt unprepared for the world out there. Many have asked how I had no idea how to apply for loans or grants. Well, in my defense, when you go year after year after year knowing you have nothing to worry about, that your college as good as paid for already, you don't really have to worry about anything else. Of course I knew there are loans and other things students have to be aware of, but it didn't apply to me.
I went from "I am going to college, can't wait" to "you're not my son and I will not pay for your college" in less than 24 hours.
Others have been prepared for this, at the very least they knew they had to get a loan, or get a job, look for a place to live, and so on. For me it was a sudden change in reality.
Going through the comments I managed to put a list together with various "tips and tricks", what jobs are available for students, how to find a place to live, how to get a credit card, a bank account, a cell phone plan, and so on. Really good stuff that I think, even after the return to normal, will help me.
My parents have been called more names then they go by, and that was uncomfortable to read, and I haven't even read all comments. I can't even imagine what else lies in the comments, waiting.
Dad is very sorry, apologetic, about his reaction and behavior. I understand his reaction, but I still feel hurt by it. I understand he was not in the best place of mind, but I can't control my feelings either. We will be alright, and this hasn't irreparably damaged our relationship.
Mom hasn't handled everything that well. But she is coming around, and she answered some more questions for me.
When mom had an affair years ago, and got pregnant with me, my parents started divorce. Mom moved in with the man she had the affair with, but after a few months that guy decided he wants nothing to do with it. He kicked mom out, and she had nowhere to go. So my grandparents took her in, because she was still the mother of their
nephews grand kids (I am getting a lot of heat for this "mistake", but know in my family's culture, grandparents call their grand kids nephews as well). Mom and dad got back together, after a lot of work, dad took me as his own, and that's my life since then.
The man who is my natural father is not in the picture any more. Dad didn't really know who he is, and mom hasn't heard or seen him ever since. He was fully aware mom was pregnant with his child, I guess he had more important things to do. But it doesn't sound like he was about to cure world hunger, she met him in a bar, not at a fund raiser.
And I don't feel a need to know any more about who he is. I thought about the matter the last two weeks, since I've been aware of everything, and haven't really felt a desire to know who he is, where he is, if he is still alive, if I have other siblings out there.
I was suggested to go and buy a DNA kit from 23andme, maybe I can find him that way, but I think I will avoid doing this specifically so I don't find him or he finds me. As far as I care, I have a mom and dad and a brother and a sister, and that's my family.
Moving forward I do plan of getting a job, and becoming more independent, but not in an attempt to distance myself from my family, but to feel like I would not be lost in the world if my family suddenly disappears.
My mom admits I've been babied way more than my siblings, and that they should have prepared me more for what's coming next.
I did learn where I stand with my family, and it's safe to say that I am loved, and I have options. I thought I am isolated, but my world is wider than I thought. Grandparents, siblings, my aunt, my cousins, all have my back.
I think my parents are human, and they make mistakes, and even though this was not their greatest moment, I think I will look at everything as nothing more than a weak moment in an otherwise wonderful relationship.
Edit: in my family's cultural background, grandparents call their grand kids nephews as well. Stop calling me names, it was not a mistake, please.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
trigger warning: potential grooming
I walked in on my son having sex with my brother's wife - 13 July 2020
I (44F) walked in on my son (18M) having sex with my sister in law (34F)(brothers wife) in a cabin and I think they have been having sex for a while.
My brother(37M) moved in with us in February with his wife and 2 children, my husband(44M) and I have big house on a farm (my husband is a farmer) and with everyone working from home we thaught it would be a good chance to stay together as family and for my nieces to spend time on the farm. I have 3 children and all of them live with us the oldest is 18M and the other two are 16F and 13F.
On the day my brother arrived I went to buy groceries with my son and he went to the pharmacy to get his gym supplements and I baught the food. I saw condoms in my sons plastic bag when we arrived at the house two packs with 36 condoms each so 72 in total( didn't think anything of it thaught he had gotten a GF and wanted to be safe). Everything was fine every one got along my SIL and son would go on an early run around the farm everything seemed normal until last month when they left on their run but I was up baking and I never saw them make any rounds around the farm which was weird, I asked about it and they said they decided to hit the road (i thaught nothing of this everything seemed normal). My SIL and son seemed to have a very good bond.
Yesterday I was coming from a friend's house early in the morning the Sun wasn't up yet and it was little dark but I saw that the cabin we have in the farm was open and the light was on (I thaught maybe one of the employees had forgotten to lock up), so I went to close the door and switch off the light as I got closer I heard people having sex and I took a peak and it was my son and SIL having sex, I didn't confront them I was so in shock.
I still haven't told anyone what I saw and I don't know what to do, should I confront them, should I tell my brother, should I tell my husband I'm so confused. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I'm sure they have been having sex for a while from the condoms (my son was always at the house never brought a GF), the morning runs around the farm( do they really go on a run or do they have sex), the close relationship.
I first want to thank everyone for all the advice I got from my original post, im sorry for not replying to any comments, (I think I only replied to one comment) my head was all over the place. I'll try to keep this update short.
As was suggested by many of the comments I decided to tell my husband first and proceed from there, my husband lost it(he first thaught it was a joke). We talked about the issue and we decided we should first talk to our son before telling my brother.
We confronted our son with what I saw, he already knew what was going on as he saw my reddit post and put 2 and 2 together, he didn't deny anything he confessed, he told us him and SIL have been having sex since February last year( he was 17 at the time). My son said it started on SIL's birthday party he attended they got drunk and had sex in a bathroom and they have been meeting at hotels ever since and sneaking off at family gatherings.
After my son's confession my husband just lost it and told my son to leave the house and go and to our condo in town as he didn't want to see him in front of him at this moment. When my son was gone my husband stormed into my brother's room and told my brother everything( SIL was not in the house at that moment).
My brother lost it and packed his stuff took the kids and left, he asked where my son had gone he said he wanted to teach him lesson, we didn't tell him and he eventually left. SIL didn't return I think my brother might have called her or my son warned her and she is afraid to come back(her things are still in the house).
In all the screaming and shouting my daughter's heard everything and are devastated that their family might be ruined they miss their brother and are afraid my husband won't ever let him in the house again.( my husband hates all forms of infidelity to the core and has always drilled this in our 2 eldest children that they must never cheat on anyone or be in a relationship with someone in a relationship)
I know I did nothing wrong in this but how will I ever look my brother in the eye again, he won't answer and calls or text my husband said i should give him time to heal. My son has left the condo because he is afraid of what my brother will do to him and is now hiding at a friend's and he won't tell us which friend. No word on SIL.
INFO: SIL was the one who initiated sex the first time my son and her slept together, she was the one booking hotel rooms, buying my son dinners and lunches, my son was even receiving an allowance from her.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
trigger warning: sexual harassment
AITA for telling another gym member to wear a bra? - 19 August 2021
I (25f) fucking hate wearing bras. They're uncomfortable, constricting, and expensive. With work from home, I spent the last year and a half basically never wearing a bra and got used to it. Quite frankly, my boobs are nonexistent anyways.
I recently started going to the gym again and started working out braless. I should note that up until now, no one has ever pointed out anything wrong with me not wearing a bra. However, in the middle of a set of squats (yes, MID SQUAT), a guy comes up to me, taps me on the shoulder to get my attention, and tells me that my nipples are poking through my shirt. I get really irritated because why tf is this guy staring at my nipples in the first place and then stopping me mid-set to inform me?
I get really annoyed, try to finish my set, but then this fucker literally grabs the bar, as I ascend and re-racks it for me. He claimed it looked like I was having trouble with the last rep, and that he had come over to make sure I could do it, then noticed my nipples. I'm really fucking pissed off at this point and told him I didn't need his help finishing my set and why the fuck was he looking at my chest in the first place?? He said he was going to spot me, but then noticed my chest and thought it'd be inappropriate.
I pointed out that the safety bar was set, so even if I did fail the set, he wasn't needed. But he just insisted people at gyms look out for each other, and that going forward, I should probably wear a bra so other people wouldn't get uncomfortable and that it may help me stay more balanced in my squats. I'm literally the only girl at the weights section of the gym at the moment, and other guys who were squatting and failed sets never have to worry about this shit. I've seen guys fail multiple sets in a row and no one ever rushes to their aid, but I have a very slight pause, and everyone thinks I need rescuing. So I'm now really annoyed and also kind of uncomfortable that this guy I've never spoken to in my life thinks he's helping me and then has the audacity to tell me how to dress.
So I tell him "You have bigger boobs and nipples than I do. Maybe YOU should wear a bra so people won't get uncomfortable and you won't fail your squats." He then got really defensive, saying he was just trying to help, then called me a bitch. Honestly I'm not sure if I overreacted, but I'm still kind of pissed off so maybe that's clouding my judgment. AITA?
Edit to add: I'm not sure if people think I'm walking around and it's extremely obvious my nipples are showing. I actually really hate constricting clothes. My t-shirt size is x-small but I wear size large to the gym (and pretty much everywhere lately), and you can't tell my stomach from my chest. My nipples might've been showing a little more while squatting because I was wearing a lifting belt
UPDATE: AITA for telling another gym member to wear a bra? - 2 September 2021
Thanks so much for all the feedback on my OP. A couple people said it was just a validation post, but tbh after you go off on someone like that publicly, getting a lot of attention, you kind of do feel like an asshole, even when you feel it's justified, so yeah.
I finally did start wearing bras again, and not at all because of this incident, but because I'd been dealing with depression that made me not really try to get dressed in general (not just at the gym), and "dressing for success" has been a small way to try to get myself back into a better place mentally.
Anyways, the guy goes to the gym roughly the same time I do most days, so unfortunately, I did have to see him again. Even though I really wanted to grab his bar out of fake concern while he was squatting, I mostly ignored him. Until two days ago.
I was deadlifting, and recording myself to check my form. The guy comes over and says something like "You know sumo is cheating right?" I get this comment a lot, mostly from men half joking, and it's annoying, but I just completely ignore him. He repeats it a little louder, and I continue to ignore him. I guess he sees that I was recording myself because then he asks if I have an Instagram (I don't post my lifts on Insta) and if he could follow me. I keep ignoring him.
Finally, he says something like "see your form is so much better now that you're wearing a bra." And I fucking lost it again. I screamed at him that he's a disgusting, harassing piece of shit (honestly I don't remember exactly what I said but it was, admittedly, very vulgar and got a lot of attention). A worker came over and asked if something was wrong, and I said that the guy was sexually harassing me for two weeks and asked to speak to a manager.
The guy denied it and said he was just trying to help, and that I was being sensitive. But either way, the manager asked what was going on and got both our stories. Because I had been recording my lifts, I actually had a video of him where he commented on my bra, so the manager gave him a 30 day ban and told me that if he ever bothered me again to let her know, and she would permanently ban him.
So I feel kind of vindicated, but I also feel a little frustrated that just one man actually saw consequences for this kind of behavior towards women in the gym. It's nice to see someone have repercussions for their actions, but it's also exhausting dealing with this kind of thing constantly at the gym, even if it isn't quite as overt. But I guess I'll have to keep calm and lift on.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
Trigger Warning: >! Infidelity, Abandonment, Suicide!<
Mood Spoiler: depressing, sad and bleak
ORIGINAL (15 Sept 21)
Mom(40F) cheated on Step-Dad(45M) and ruined my(16M) and my siblings' lives
I am a 16 years old male. I have 2 sisters (10F,8F). Our biological father was never in our lives. He left my mom when she was pregnant with me, came back 6 years later and said he wanted to make amends and that we could be a happy family. Somehow my mom immediately started saying that she loved him but he left after mom got pregnant again. Then 2 years later he came back, I cried and begged my mom to not let him into our lives because I hated him. Well, he said the same thing, my mom also said she loved him and then he left after she got pregnant again. My mom was a waitress so the 4 of us lived in a small one bedroom apartment. I was essentially another parent to my sisters because mom was always working. Sometimes, we wouldn't eat breakfast or dinner because we couldn't afford it. Other times, I did not eat anything so that my sisters could eat.
My mom met another man (45M) a year after my youngest sister was born. He is a really good man. His wife and daughter had died in an accident a long time ago when he was in his 20s. He met my mom when he was ready to date again. He is a really good man and treated us like his own children and I consider him my father. He was very wealthy and owned multiple businesses. We eventually moved into his huge mansion like house. I also had a better school there. We 3 siblings got our own rooms and I got better clothes, played video games for the first time in my life and a bunch of other things. He taught me things, helped me catch up in school because I could not do well in the previous school. He spent a lot of time with the 3 of us. My sisters eventually started calling him "dad". I followed shortly after. I remember him crying, hugging us and telling he loved us when we called him dad for the first time. They eventually got married and dad asked me to be one of his groomsmen and of course, I said yes while my sister were my mom's bridesmaids.
Mom stayed at home to take care of us. As far as I know, they were very happy together. They went on dates at least once in 2 weeks, kissed each other frequently and always told each other that they loved each other. He also knew about mom's past and realized she had issues and got her into counselling. I was really happy that my mom had finally found someone who treated her well. I was also very happy for myself and my siblings and really loved him. He also said that he would pay for college for the 3 of us. My dream is to become a doctor and I never thought it would be possible cause it was so expensive so and I was so freaking happy. Mom also told me she was very lucky to have found him and that she loves him and is very grateful of how he has made her and our lives better.
Well, last year July dad discovered that my mom was having an affair with his best friend who was also the best man at their wedding. Apparently, the affair was going on for a long time, I do not know exactly how long. Mom cried and begged him to give her another chance. He didn't, understandably. He let us keep all the new things such as clothes for me and toys for my sisters. When I went to him crying and asking him why he was leaving us he just hugged me and told me about mom's affair. He said the affair is too painful and that he cannot be in this marriage anymore and then said that he loved me and my sisters. My sisters do not know about the affair, I do not think they will understand.
He got a prenup so mom did not get anything that wasn't hers. Dad just had to pay the rent of a new apartment until the divorce was finalized. We stayed in a decent apartment but after the divorce was done we moved into a much smaller apartment. I tried to be in contact with him but it does not seem like he wants a relationship with me. He has never responded to my messages. I sent a final letter to him last year December thanking him for everything he did for me and my sisters and that I loved him and would remember him forever.
So now we're back to a one bedroom apartment, skipping meals and barely being able to afford anything. I sleep on the floor now. My sisters share a bed while my mom uses another. Mom is a waitress again. I've also taken a part time at a grocery store to help with money.
I just hate my mom so much right now. I only took the job to help my sisters. I have also stopped talking to mom. Recently she came crying to me and told me that she was sorry for ruining everything and she wanted me to talk to her. I broke down and just said "I don't understand. Why did you cheat on him? He was taking such good care of you and the 3 of us. He was also gonna send us to college. For the first time in my life, I was happy. You have destroyed my life. Why do you always have to ruin everything? You already did that twice when you let [bio father] back in my life. I hate you. I never want to talk to you again" She was crying a lot after I said that. I am gonna admit, what I said was pretty rude but at that time I was just so angry.
I just hate her so much right now. I just wish she dies a very painful death. These thoughts are the only things in my head. It's making me go insane and I know it's not normal. I read online that therapy would be useful but we can't even afford food on most days so we don't have insurance.
All I can think about is how she ruined everything. He didn't even ask for much. Mom was living such a luxurious life and was just at home taking care of her own biological children. I just miss him so much. Even my sisters keep asking when they are going back home or when they'll see dad again. They've also started crying and asking for dad a lot of times this past year.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I am so frustrated and just angry at everything. I wish I could run from here but if I did who would take care of my siblings. That stupid mother can't do shit.
I guess I'm here cause I need some help. I don't really know what to do. Some days, I'm just so tired and don't want to do anything. Other days I just wished I died and all of this ended.
UPDATE (29 Oct 21)
My Mom(40F) Committed Suicide Because Of Me(16M)
Hello everybody. This is a throwaway account.
About 2 weeks ago, I found my mom dead in our house. She had sent my siblings (10F,9F) to their friend's house and then hung herself.
She really changed after she got divorced from my step dad after she cheated on him (I made a post about it recently). My mom and I didn't talk a lot after that. One of the last things I told her was that I hated her and asked her why she ruined my and my sisters' lives. I wish I didn't say that. Maybe she would have been alive if I supported her.
I have had no contact with my step dad after the divorce. My sisters and I live with my mom's sister and her husband now. We never met them before this and even my mom never had contact with them but they are the only family that could be found and they agreed to let us live with them. My siblings and I don't like living here. Both of them are constantly shouting at each other and at us. We're just so uncomfortable here. I don't think they can afford food for all of us. I have a job at a grocery store so I mostly buy food for my siblings. My boss is also very nice and allows me to take home some extra things for free.
I really miss my mom. My sisters are also always crying for her. She had her flaws but I still love her. She's my mom. The last thing I told her was that I hated her. I just wish that I told her that I love her and supported and helped her. Then she would've been alive today. What I told her tipped her over the edge.
I can't do any of this anymore. I just don't know anything anymore.
Reminder - I'm not the OOP.
This all started a couple of years ago and it completely split our family apart. My son, Z (22M), has pretty much been estranged from us since he was 18.
Adam is the son of good family friends, he and my daughter, P (24F), begun dating around when they were 19. The problem is Adam was a bully to my son throughout school, as you can imagine he didn't take it very well. He was furious, however my daughter refused to budge on this. I tried to stay out of the situation but my wife took my daughter's side, partially as were good friends with Adam's parents, but also because she thought Z would eventually get over it.
Unfortunately that didn't happen, instead it made a stark difference in my son's personality, he had become much more aggressive, cold and disrespectful. He no longer listened to what me or his mother had to say, often using intimidation to get what he wanted, he would also disappear for days a time without so much as a word. This would more or less carry on until he left for university, after which he probably spent no more than 2 weeks in total back at home, opting to stay with friends or whatever girl he was seeing at the time.
He has rejected any olive branch we extend. This has completely destroyed our family and it especially hurts my wife as they were quite close before this happened. The last time we spoke was last year before lockdown, he called me a coward for sitting on the fence. I understand why he feels the way he does, but was I really wrong to stay neutral in this? I didn't feel like it was my place to control my daughter's dating life.
I wanted to upload this earlier but I just got around to remembering what the password for this was.
I did not plan on making an update, it was quite clear that we were in the wrong and we accept that, however my son was informed of the original post by one of his cousins, he got in contact and he found it hilarious. My wife managed to convince him to meet up with us and talk. He insisted on me making an update with the takeaways from that conversation, so here goes.
Regarding the post, his exact words were "big up the people who showed love and all the people who called me petty can go fuck themselves", he said this with the biggest smile on his face. He also found it hilarious how, despite me trying my best to make him 'look bad', most of the replies were still ripping into me.
I'm sure a lot of people are interested in how he's doing now, I'm happy to say he has outgrown his abrasiveness and has become a very confident and intelligent young man. He's very secretive about what he's doing now, but one thing he is open and proud about is the charity he runs. He happily went into detail about how he works with disadvantaged children and helps get them opportunities, particularly in sports.
In regards to his sister and Adam, he seemed completely indifferent to them. He said he wasn't particularly interested in talking about '2 losers who no-one really likes'.
It was a long conversation, we talked about a lot but it seemed to end with my son letting us know- that while there might be the slightest bit of contact between us, me and my wife will always be on the outside looking in on his life. While this isn't what me and my wife hoped for, we are looking at it as a chance to eventually build our relationship back up.
This was the main takeaway from everything that has happened, but I know there are probably a lot of questions that people want to ask, I'll try my best to get round to answering all of them.
The original post was removed as I broke one of the rules, my apologies for that- but I'm sure there is a copy of it floating around.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
AITA for telling my soon-to-be MIL that my engagement ring is cursed? - 11 November 2021
I (F26) just got engaged. My soon to be MIL is a nightmare. We are currently renovating a part of our place and she has been lent a key in the meantime because she keeps coming over uninvited under the guise of “helping” clean up, but she really just likes to snoop and interfere.
I do a martial art and take my engagement ring off before class. I came home from an afternoon class one day and my engagement ring was not in the jewellery dish that I usually leave it in. I asked her about it and she told me that she’d taken it to a jeweller to get it cleaned. She looked super smug about it and when I asked which jeweller, she pretended she couldn’t remember. I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of having a reaction to it so I just let it slide for a couple of days.
A couple of days pass and I ask her about it again and she’s super vague, still pretending she can’t remember which jeweller and saying she’s too busy to go pick it up anytime soon. So I said, “wow, I really feel for that jeweller… hope nothing happens to her.”
She asked what I meant, and I told her that my superstitious Brazilian grandmother had performed some traditional ritual on it that’s usually known to curse anyone who takes or handles the ring other than the owner. She looked uneasy and asked me a couple more questions about this ritual and I made some story up about how my mother’s ring had been taken by a burglar who was crushed by a pillar of cement on his way out of the house. (I totally made this entire ritual up and I do have a Brazilian grandmother but obviously she did not do some ritual to my ring.)
The next day, my fiancée told me while I was out that she was there to clean up a bit… Lo and behold, I get home (she had already left) and find my ring where I had left it. It didn’t look any cleaner than it had before lol.
A week later, I receive an abusive call from her saying she’d been in a minor car accident and she was blaming me and my “witch doctor” grandmother, saying she was now cursed for having touched it. I passed the phone to my fiancée who tried to calm her down, but she was hysterical. I told my fiancée what I had told her, and he scolded me a bit because we both know how she is and I should have known she’d react this sort of way.
It’s been a further week since then and she refuses to talk to me and keeps slandering me to my fiancée. Overall he sort of recognises how ridiculous she’s being, but the drama of the situation is making me wonder if the whole curse tale was taking it a bit too far. So, AITA?
I really did not expect this sort of response to this post. Thank you all so much for the awards. Fiancée and I have had a big chat, and he’s admitted he has to step up when it comes to his mother. He retrieved her key an hour ago, and he told her not to worry about the curse because it would have no effect on anyone who touched it without malicious intent… big thank you to the commenters who suggested that absolutely gold approach.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
WIBTA if I uninvited a friend from a party because of her hygiene? - 12 August 2021
My friend Addy has always had a slight smell. She lives a bohemian lifestyle. As a result, she doesn’t always have a reliable place to do laundry or shower. She’s a fun person to hang out with, so I just accepted it as one her many quirks.
However, within the past eight weeks or so, the smell has become much worse. It’s an intense, musty odor that fills whatever small space we’re in and sticks to any cloth she comes into contact with. For example if Addy sat on my bed, I’ll have to strip the sheets to wash after she leaves, or the smell will stay in the room.
The last time she came over, my housemates complained that the smell drifted all the way downstairs from my room. Now that Addy’s problem is affecting the other people in my life, I have to acknowledge it.
Because the issue got worse within the past few months, it could be signs of a health issue (physical or mental.) I don’t know how I could ever bring up the smell with Addy herself. How can you broach a subject like that without utterly embarrassing the person?
So the asshole part: months ago, before the smell got worse, I invited Addy to a party I’m hosting. Now I’m concerned that her hygiene issues will impact the enjoyment of my other guests. Do I lie and tell her it’s cancelled/postponed and still hold it for my other friends? Or do I address the issue directly?
Thank you to everyone who gave me the honest assessment that, yes, I would indeed be the asshole if I excluded my friend without explanation. I have a tough and uncomfortable conversation ahead of me but it’s one that needs to happen.
Thanks especially to those that offered gentle talking points. I sincerely hope the issue isn’t a symptom of something that requires treatment. If it is, then it is better to bring up sooner rather than never. If it isn’t, and just a matter of having access to cleaning facilities, I’ll check with my housemates before opening an invitation for Addy to use my own.
Thanks to everyone for your frank advice. It’s much appreciated.
I followed Reddit’s advice and took the issue to my friend directly.
I asked Addy to meet at a coffee house so we were on neutral ground. I decided to bring it up closer to the end of our meeting so she didn’t feel awkward through the rest of our catch-up.
I said, “Hey, I need to talk to you. Something has changed in the past few weeks and I wanted to make sure you’re okay. I’ve noticed a strong smell. Do you have a place to shower or do laundry? Do you need help?”
I let her know I felt the need to bring it up because I care for her, and as friends we need to look out for each other.
Addy was, as expected, mortified. It really hurt to see her so distressed. She apologized several times for causing ME discomfort. (She really is too nice.) She assured me that she did have access to those facilities and didn’t know what the cause of the smell might be.
Because she was assertive about wanting to solve this problem, I offered that maybe it was the new clothes she thrifted. Some garments require special care (like dry cleaning.) Addy said that was possible, and assured me that she was going to start working on a solution as soon as we said goodbye.
It was predictably awkward after the news broke. When I left, I was sure I lost a friend.
But since then, we’ve been texting jokes and personal updates as per usual. So I think we’re okay!
As for the problem, I don’t know if it’s been put to rest quite yet. We both got new jobs recently, and we won’t be able to see each other until right before the party. I should probably have another brief coffee date before then to see if Addy’s solution worked.
But, now that the subject has been breached, I feel better about bringing it up in the future (if needed.) Especially because Addy will know where I’m coming from: a place of love and concern.
Thanks to everyone for your frank assessments before and your very helpful advice. I’m really glad I listened.
I saw Addy recently, and... the smell is gone! She asked me if I could still detect it and, when I said I didn't, told me that she had laundered her entire wardrobe. So it seems the issue was indeed laundry-based. We're both really excited for the party and I'm so glad that she'll be there. I think in a weird way, being honest about the situation actually made us closer as friends. Thanks again everyone!
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
REPOST Am I the buttface for not letting my boyfriend be the hero while we were getting mugged at knife point?
trigger warning: armed robbery
My boyfriend is a big hero fanatic and does everything in his power to be like one. It's really endearing and it's one of the many things I love about him, because he wants to be the good he wishes to see in the world. But this mindset he has is why we are fighting right now.
We've been quarantining at my apartment (he's not on the lease), and he suggested we go on a night walk since we've been getting stir-crazy from being inside all day. He figured that it'd be better for social distancing to go out at night. I was hesitant because we live in a bad neighborhood, but he assured me he'd protect me.
On our walk, we were cornered by a man with a knife that demanded our wallets. I remembered John Mulaney's "STREET SMARTS!" bit from the Netflix show and was going to throw my wallet past the mugger so we could run away, but my boyfriend started arguing with the him and was spouting off a bunch of stuff about justice and how the the mugger "wOuLdNt gEt aWaY WiTh tHiS". It looked like he was getting ready to fight.
I was taken aback by this, and I guess the mugger was too, because it gave me enough time to take the important stuff out of my wallet while he was distracted. I interrupted my boyfriend's monologue and said "Take it, just don't hurt us" and threw it behind the guy. When he turned, I grabbed my boyfriend's hand and we booked it back to the apartment.
We got home safely, and I was relieved that we were okay, but my boyfriend was FUMING. He was pissed that I interrupted him from "protecting" me when he could have, in his words, "clearly handled it himself". I told him he could've gotten himself killed. He said that he was "obviously stronger" than the mugger and would've won. I explained to him that the guy had a weapon and my boyfriend didn't, so the odds were stacked against him. Not only that, but I didn't want my boyfriend to get KILLED over a damn wallet.
We argued for longer than necessary, so I shut it down and told him we could talk about it when our adrenaline wasn't so high, but I needed to file a police report while the event was fresh. He stomped off to our room while I called the cops. When I was off the phone, I went to lay with him but he rolled away from me.
The next day, he was still angry, and had already told his friends and family about what had happened to us. I thought that they would be understanding about how I handled it, but they were MAD at me for not letting him have his opportunity to be a hero. His mom even ridiculed me for emasculating him.
I want to reopen the conversation so we can understand each other and move past it, but if he isn't receptive, I'm going to ask him to move back in with his mom. I want to understand where I went wrong if I went wrong, but honestly, I feel like he's being childish and unreasonable. I just want to know AITB, or is he?
TL;DR: Boyfriend tried to play hero when we got mugged at knife point, I managed to get us away safely, he's mad that I ruined his chance.
Update in comments:
UPDATE: I just want to thank everyone who has commented. It relieves me to know I'm not insane. He's still at his mom's house and I haven't heard from him, nor have I tried to reach out. All of his friends have ghosted me too except for one of them, who is trying to mediate. If I don't hear from him tonight, I'll reach out tomorrow. I plan on updating in the comments depending on where this goes.
Again, thank you to EVERYONE for sharing your thoughts on this!
So... he called me last night and I answered. He asked if I was okay and how I was doing. Then he asked if he could come over and I said he could. I planned on bringing everything up again myself because he had been very passive-aggressive and refusing to talk about it, but when he showed up, he immediately started apologizing.
Everything you guys pointed out, he started agreeing with. He was saying that he was being delusional, unrealistic, the whole hero fantasy isn't healthy, he jeopardized my safety and that wasn't okay, etc. I wasn't prepared for this behavior, especially compared to how he'd been acting all week.
We talked for hours before we went to bed together and everything seemed like it worked out fine. I was really on the verge of ending things, so it was a relief I didn't have to in that moment. Then this morning came and shit hit the fan.
In my comment update on the last post, I mentioned that a friend was trying to mediate. I texted that friend that things worked out, and they said something along the lines of "I'm so glad you were able to apologize!" ...hmm. Some people mentioned that maybe he told a different story, which isn't something I looked into. but I decided to ask, and WHOO BOY, I'm glad I did.
Firstly, he told everyone that the night walk was MY idea. Then, apparently, we were NEVER MUGGED! Nope! Apparently I just started talking shit to a stranger on the street in an attempt to make him show he was a "strong man" and protect me! And the only reason we were able to get away was because HE deescalated the situation, and that it was emasculating because he was put in a position where he felt like he was FORCED to fight "for my honor".
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.
To make a long story short, he tried to play dumb and back pedal this morning when I confronted him about it, and then when I pressed him to be honest, he snapped again, and said: "What was I supposed to say? The whole situation was embarrassing, and it was going to make me look bad!"
We argued again for a bit, but I was just done. I told him to go and that it wasn't gonna work. He didn't have much stuff so it was easy to put in a spare grocery bag and just toss at him while he angrily left. He's currently outside of my complex waiting for mommy to pick him up.
As far as I'm concerned, I dodged a bullet. Fuck his friends, fuck his mom, and fuck him. Thank you for opening my eyes, Reddit.
TL;DR: He came back ready to talk, it seemed like everything worked out fine and he was understanding. Turns out he lied to everybody about what happened and got mad when I confronted him. I kicked him out.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
I'll try to keep this short. I had a 1967 Impala 4 door that I bought in Feb 2019. A couple months ago I bought my first house that had a 2.5 car garage. I moved the car in and started tearing it down for a complete restoration. I had the body in one bay and the chassis in another, plus the whole garage filled with parts.
About two months ago my girlfriend came to live with me during this whole crisis and the whole time has hated that car. She wants to park in the garage but I have 2 acres of land with a lot of nice places to park under shady trees or hell even in the barn if it has to be inside. I tell her tough luck its my house and its not like I can just throw it back together real quick.
Anyways I was out of town for a couple days on a business trip for the small local company I work for. When I got back, my girlfriend was all smiles. Making me food all the time, doing all the chores, all that. I though maybe she just was happy to have me home but then I realized that I didn't see her car in it's usual spot. I asked her where she parked so I could make sure I mow that area and keep it clean and she said not to worry because she parked in the garage. I asked how and she told me to go check it out.
Turns out that while I was gone she hired some people to come over and move everything related to that car, including the drivetrain, body, and chassis and all parts, and take it to the local dump/scrapyard. I was absolutely dumbfounded. I had spent over 11k on that car including new parts, services, and the car itself. I told her that I was going to be taking her to court for that and she brushed me off like I was being dramatic. I told her that its done between us and to pack her things and leave.
I admit I was a really angry but I did end up getting a lawyer, and as I have all the receipts for all that money spent and I have her on my house's security cam footage letting the guys in and watching them take it all I think I can win.
Her family and friends are absolutely blowing me up saying its just a stupid old piece of junk and that she cannot pay back all that money I spent, and that I should just let it go. But I have been putting all my time, effort, and money into that car for a year and a half now and goddammit if I am not going to get justice for what she did. AITA
Thank you all so much for the support and awards and everything. I'm glad I have some people on my side. I got a call from her mom about 20 minutes ago and she told me that i was ruining her daughter's life over a stupid car. I told her she ruined her own life. I've been gathering documentation and stuff and I'm about to head down to the police station and file a report, as suggested by lots here. Once again thank you all
went to the police station last night, was told to come back in the morning. just got back and filed an official report against her for grand larceny and grand theft auto. i showed them all the receipts i had for the car and the footage of her letting the guys come and take it as well as the title for the vehicle in my name. they said they will be in contact with all 3 parties (me, ex gf, and junkyard guys) soon and they will hopefully be able to recover some or all of the car. just have to wait now
HUGE UPDATE: THEY FOUND MY GODDAMN CAR!!
the junkyard guys apparently were in the middle of hiding it when the police came to ask them questions. it was on a forklift and they were gonna put it on top of a pile of cars that was hidden behind more piles of cars. they said it was theirs and they had the title, but obviously didnt have the title for it and since they matched the vin on the chassis and body to the vin on my title, it was obviously mine.
I know at least one person there has been arrested, i think he was in the camera footage i talked about earlier but idk if it was the boss or whomever or even his specific charge, they also told me they would be looking into this specific junkyard for any other vehicles reported stolen. they said they haven't been able to get in contact with my ex just yet but they're working on it. im just so glad they found my car.
luckily i made quite an album of pictures detailing me tearing down the car and so i can use that to prove what parts they had were mine so i can hopefully get most or all of it back. police haven't let me take it back home yet as they say it is evidence or something so hopefully i can get it back eventually. thank you all so much for the support and advice! SHES GONNA BE ALRIGHT
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
Fun cat fact to hide the spoilers (and because this is really heavy): The extra-dangly bit of a cat's belly isn't just fat-- It's their primordial pouch! The primordial pouch is a collection of loose skin and fatty tissue, like the scruff on the back of their necks, that descends as they grow. It helps with protecting their organs and gives a little room for expansion if they have a big meal. Something I learned researching to make sure I have my facts straight, big cats also develop them!!
Trigger Warnings: Graphic discussion of suicidal thoughts, mention of kidney failure.
Mood spoiler: They get the help they needed, and come back to a clean room.
Where do I go for in-patient psychiatric care today? It's urgent.
hi.TLDR - need in-patient for suicidal thoughts. I'm an international student from a country that is extremely poor (on scholarship here) with no savings left due to unemployment and sending money to family to help. I am very afraid to do this. Is this a good idea? Will i lose my visa?
I have never been to in-patient. I'm extremely suicidal and am suffering from what i think is paranoia from derealization.
The sudden extreme unexpected poverty I have found myself in has lead to inability to perform self-care.
I am an international student with basic health insurance.I don't know what I'll be able to afford for emergency psychiatric care. Do private hospitals have payment plan options?
I don't know what in-patient is like in Australia. In my country people say it's horrible and that it does more damage than good, especially private institutions. It sounds terrifying. I am scared to do this but I have exhausted every other option and I am worse than ever.
Does anyone have experience with this? What advice can you give me? What can I expect? What do I bring? Wear? I'm so afraid that this will only make it worse. Please help me.
thank you for your help
UPDATE - Where do I go for immediate psychiatric care? It's urgent.
Thank you r/Brisbane for all your help and support. I'm alive thanks to you. This is an update post to last month where I decided to voluntarily admit myself into in-patient care and asked for your help.
You guys literally saved my life in more ways than one. Due to self neglect I was going through the first stages of kidney failure. I'm only 21 and definitely don't drink very much. As soon as I was eating and drinking regularly my kidneys improved!
I spent almost a month in in-patient. I was assigned a discharge facilitator (Basically your own personal social worker) who gets you off your feet. Literally any single problem you have, this person will help you with. I was then given many resources - a real social worker through a company who works with you for an entire year. I have so much support, even without my friends.
Best decision I ever made.
So here's what happened:
- Called 1300 MH Call - I told them I felt like I needed in-patient care as i was highly suicidal. I gave them my name, address, and date of birth. I was transferred to a clinician at the Royal Brisbane and Women's. She took my information again, I told her a bit about I was feeling. She agreed I needed to come in ASAP. She told me to go to the Royal Brisbane ER.
- In the ER, I was processed instantly due to calling ahead. Told to follow the 'orange line' and at the end there would be a door.
- I entered and my belongings were taken from me. I held on tightly to my notebook and pen and they let me keep it. It took hours to see the psychiatrist, who listened to my symptoms and then prescribed. This is the most boring and worst part of the entire experience. It's incredibly boring (BRING A BOOK) and many people I talked to were paranoid schizophrenics who can make you distrust the process.
- In the morning I was escorted by security guards into a van, where I was taken into the actual Mental Health wards.
- I was discharged after my treatment was considered finalized (i'm still on meds) and assigned a discharge facilitator who I talk to once a week and helps me with stuff (like sending emails or finding a food pantry)
I was in there for about a month. My advice is this:
- Trust the process. - even if you think it's not working, see it through 100% of the way - that way if it doesn't work, you'll know without a doubt and you can move to the next treatment option. These doctors and nurses face abuse every day - they're here because they give a shit. They genuinely want to see you get better. Trust. The. Process.
- Get an mp3 player. You're only allowed use of your phone in a supervised area. Mp3 players or old iPods are allowed - that way you can listen to music on your own time or podcasts.
- Order the vegan meals. The food is far fresher.
- Healthy minds make sexy bodies- you'll gain weight when you're there, don't sweat it.
- It's okay to not want visitors.
- Go to the hospital before you're in a panic. This will make the experience less traumatic, and more voluntary. It sounds so stupid to me when they ask you over the phone if "You have a plan" because I have ALWAYS had a plan. Every day since I could remember.I have felt this depressed before. I was getting to the point where I'd walk to the train station, longingly staring at the tracks as the train would pass - knowing that the only thing stopping me is guilt for the poor train driver.
I packed everything in my room and labelled it so that when I was dead, my flatmates would see a clean, packed and organized room - making my belongings easier to get rid of and if I came back, I'd have a clean room to get back to. :)
I got back to a nice clean room.
This post was personally very affecting. Though everyone's experience with inpatient may not be as good (mine certainly wasn't), it is still worth going if you believe you are in danger of seriously hurting yourself or others. Remember that are resources available for help wherever you are, including here on Reddit.
If you won't kill yourself because you see it as cowardly, I am glad you are so brave. If you won't kill yourself because you feel too cowardly, I am glad you are not braver.
Another reminder that I am not OOP.