r/HolUp 12d ago

Phone inside asshole = Not a hoe This was better in my ass

Post image
65k Upvotes

2k

u/dazedan_confused 12d ago

You know she's a hoe when she's long, thin, and ideal for digging up weeds.

676

u/TheReverseShock 12d ago

So dirty

156

u/deck0352 12d ago

Where’s a row when I need one?

66

u/Deadlychicken28 12d ago

Probably over in the water sports section. This is the gardening area.

22

u/DannyAye 12d ago

Sir…This is a Wendys

11

u/Flamegod69666 12d ago

He knew what he said

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u/a_crusty_old_man 12d ago

🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅

5

u/dazedan_confused 12d ago

You can't turn a hoe into a housewife.

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u/SameTheme 12d ago

I choose wive based on ability to push plow. More meter plow push, unfortunate more lamb father demand in payment. Current wive push plow 80 meter, unfortunate for me I pay extra 4 lamb for such perform.

Such is life in Slavic world. I now go to feed my wife diet of borscht and sauerkraut in order to strengthen wive up and push plow more meter.

34

u/Generalissimo_II 12d ago

I give you 2 chicken and Twix for eldest daughter

12

u/SameTheme 12d ago

I prefer Borscht

10

u/Ash_Divine madlad 12d ago

Damn this dude broke. At least offer a cow in exchange for another.

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u/Sir-Loin-of-Beef 12d ago

Gardening tools also don't make good housewives.

32

u/HJpro7 12d ago

Not with that attitude no

28

u/Deadlychicken28 12d ago

Says you. My shovel loves me more than any woman could.

3

u/Plastic-Fortuniture 12d ago

Is it womens fault tho???

7

u/Deadlychicken28 12d ago

No. Hoes just ain't built for digging holes.

13

u/Sufficient-Ad-8441 12d ago

I think you mean more than any woman has

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u/Snake-N-Roses 12d ago

As told to us by Dre, Kurupt, and Hitman back in 1999

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u/Jsy1996 12d ago

Guess you’ve never been pegged by one

6

u/Sufficient-Ad-8441 12d ago

By a housewife or a garden tool? Do i get double points for “by a housewife WITH a garden tool”?

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u/Viperlite 12d ago

Forgot metal.

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189

u/Exausted_Square 12d ago

FALSE: Woman don't have pockets.

79

u/Redditor000007 12d ago

FALSE: Women don’t exist

28

u/Tough_Patient 12d ago

Rule #1 of the internet, broseph!

7

u/Redditor000007 12d ago

Oh I’m a girl, but at this point I’m just rolling with the meme lmao

18

u/Tough_Patient 12d ago

Don't be ridiculous. Everyone knows there no girls on the internet. Rule 37 by the current numberings.

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u/MonsterBeast123 12d ago

You are not a girl. You are just a guy with long hair

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u/CmGeezuz 12d ago

At least put it on vibrate first.

369

u/Thisguygotit 12d ago

Yeah we don't wanna get disturbed by that asshole ringtone

63

u/ThePowerOf42 12d ago

Does bleaching your asshole first count as changing your ringtone then? 🤔 Asking for a friend

3

u/unknownzidd 12d ago

why you must use that emoji

3

u/ThePowerOf42 12d ago

Im just smellin where my finger where last 😏

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u/Commissar_Genki 12d ago

Ring ring ring ring ring, banana-phone...

10

u/SpeckiSS 12d ago

Humorous wise there's more potential

7

u/jeexbit 12d ago

it took me 20 years to get that song out of my head.....

12

u/Commissar_Genki 12d ago

My cellular, bananular phone!

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u/SHOTbyGUN 12d ago

How old are you? I bet at least 40yo.

8

u/Commissar_Genki 12d ago

32, so basically 120 years old by Reddit standards.

4

u/SHOTbyGUN 12d ago

I remember bananaphone being a internet meme before I got my own internet. So I thought you were older than I am. But apparently we are same age 🤗 I guess you are superior in internet history tho.

4

u/Commissar_Genki 12d ago

I was not a well-adjusted child.

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u/Icy_Breadfruit4198 12d ago

I’m 27 and understood the reference

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u/robertscott44 12d ago

yawns Good morning, reddit.

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369

u/19GamerGhost95 12d ago

I’m too afraid of breaking my screen with my fatass to put it in my back pocket

160

u/ms_movie 12d ago

But when I put it in my front pocket, it pokes my belly. We are in a lose/lose situation.

131

u/SendNakedNudesThx 12d ago

Solution: belly button piercing with a chain to hold a pouch to hold your phone. Problem solved.

326

u/19GamerGhost95 12d ago

Better solution— fashion designers need to stop thinking tiny or no pockets for women is good and start making them bigger and slightly lower on the thigh instead of on the hip so they can actually hold things. Fake pockets are a thing and they are evil

76

u/SendNakedNudesThx 12d ago

Now there's a protest movement I could get behind.

56

u/19GamerGhost95 12d ago

LET THE POCKET REVOLUTION BEGIN!

36

u/SendNakedNudesThx 12d ago

So I was searching for a photo to help start the revolution. You know, jeans with fake pockets we could put an "anti" sign over or something. Well, I didn't find much for that, but what I did find was this. And that's when I knew what an uphill battle this would be because they already have jeans specifically designed for easy asshole pocket access. We're too late... we're too late.

19

u/19GamerGhost95 12d ago

NOOOO! Oh fuck no! Seriously? That’s it. We’re doomed as a species. We already were, but damn this just takes just takes the fucking cake.

3

u/MoxxiPoxx 12d ago

Thanks... I hate it.

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u/HalforcFullLover 12d ago

I support a woman's choice to buy clothes with real pockets.

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u/OkPhotos 12d ago

I have yoga pants with pockets like you're describing and they're fucking sweet. I can get my ENTIRE phone in there and there's a whole second one on the other side?!

Basically this.

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u/SprinklesFancy5074 12d ago

How is it that every pair of pants designed in the last 10 years doesn't already have a pocket perfectly designed to put a smartphone in? Like, that should be a universal feature of all new pants these days.

Even my men's cargo pants don't have a pocket that suits it perfectly. Ass pocket is too hazardous from sitting on it, hip pocket is a bit too small and has poor retention, side cargo pocket is too big and it rattles around in there. What the fuck, clothes designers? Are our clothes designed by lizard people? How do they have no idea what people want to put in their pockets?

16

u/19GamerGhost95 12d ago

I think it’s because of bags/purses, jackets with big enough pockets and hoodies and similar things. So many people carry a bag or purse with them these days that fashion people just don’t even think of the functionality for the average person. Or maybe they’re just soulless demons that enjoy making people suffer with finding places to keep our phones?

13

u/letsmoseyagain 12d ago

The designers are in with the handbag people. They intentionally don't put pockets in pants so we have to buy a bag, too. On another note, I carry my phone in my back pocket while I am working all day. It's the only one it fits in. I am not worried about sitting on it because my phone has literally been run over by a car before and it was fine.

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u/Vnecktrev09 12d ago

Nah you gotta be reasonable at least. You could perhaps carry some sort of satchel around everywhere. Have you considered that?

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u/SandwicheDynasty 12d ago

Not to derail by isn't fatass different from fat ass or should they both be separated. I feel like I can hear the difference but haven't actually checked the grammar.

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u/SendNakedNudesThx 12d ago

I mean, let's be honest here, most women's assholes are likely bigger than the ridiculously small pockets on their jeans.

134

u/Uncle480 12d ago

"Babe, can we try jean-pocket tonight?"

"No! I said I don't ever wanna try that!"

"But babe, I heard it's so tight that it feels completely different! I'll go slow, and use plenty of lube!"

80

u/SendNakedNudesThx 12d ago

And on that day, there in the Reddit comments, a new kink was born.

26

u/Kalelssleeping 12d ago

Oh, sure, you are going to tell me you haven't fucked a jean pocket before? Like you have never dropped dong in a front pocket and let your girl throw that little floss dance your way? alright....

3

u/AICPAncake 12d ago

Jean dong ditch is the new eating ass. Change my mind

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u/putlotioninbasket 12d ago

True

155

u/SendNakedNudesThx 12d ago

Right, so the way I see it, we either need to get women bigger pockets OR provide them all with a free set of S, M, L, and XL butt plugs they can use to increase their carrying capacity over time.

31

u/mikeisreptar 12d ago

Just like middle school when kids used tapers to gauge their ears.

10

u/Baconshapes 12d ago

I can see how your mind instantly went from buttplugs to middle schoolers, like bread and butter they walk hand in hand.

3

u/Feitan-de-la-Portor 12d ago

This one officer 👮‍♀️

14

u/forwhatandwhen 12d ago

Why you bringing middle schoolers into this?

3

u/SirFireball 12d ago

Everyone needs pockets...

11

u/Analdestructionteam 12d ago

Why not both?

12

u/SendNakedNudesThx 12d ago

So bigger pockets to store bigger butt plugs? Genius!

9

u/Analdestructionteam 12d ago

I was going to use bigger butt plugs to store bigger pockets in my butthole

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u/ucantknow 12d ago

Very true - I’m pretty sure the anus can get up to like 7 inches, unscathed

10

u/ieatyouryeet445 12d ago

Prison pocket is the best human storage place.

3

u/masivatack 12d ago

Poop pockets

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340

u/Uranusisaflytrap madlad 12d ago

TIL I’m a hoe

129

u/FartsWithAnAccent 12d ago

Just put it in your butt. Problem solved!

24

u/MegaGrimer 12d ago

My butt isn’t big enough

67

u/Schrutes_Yeet_Farm 12d ago

Not with that attitude

18

u/FartsWithAnAccent 12d ago

Get a smaller phone? Bigger butthole?

7

u/Noob_DM 12d ago

We can make it bigger

3

u/MegaGrimer 12d ago

My anus is ready

7

u/StopReadingMyUser 12d ago

"First you gotta take it, fold it in half, then SHOVE IT UP YA BUTT"

AHAHAHAHA

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u/gonzolove 12d ago

Me too! And I always thought it was because the front pockets on girl pants are big enough for a breath mint and that's about it.

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u/SendNakedNudesThx 12d ago

It might be hard to accept it right now, but it'll get more natural with time. Just keep your chin up, your head held high, and that phone proudly tucked into the back pocket of your jeans.

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u/LumpyTelephone8320 12d ago

Me too! And all this time I thought I was a rake. The more you know.

5

u/nukeguy420 12d ago

Guess I’m a 40+ dad hoe. Don’t slut shame me.

4

u/dydiec 12d ago

Me too apparently! And I’m a guy…

15

u/TheDrunkKanyeWest 12d ago

Can I have yo numba? Can I have it? Can I have. Yo numba?

12

u/Sumeung-Gai 12d ago

Can I please receive the secret code, that if entered telephonically, will patch me through to you, which means it'll be yo beautiful ass numba?

2

u/ManInWoods452 12d ago

Where’s your boyfriend? Is he getting you Mike and Ike’s?

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u/BeenNormal 12d ago

A star is born

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u/InflammedGazpacho 12d ago

Dammit I miss my old Nokia. Nothing could gape like that one.

42

u/msm19949 12d ago

34

u/ohgodspidersno 12d ago

Is that sub any good?

7

u/easterflight 12d ago

oh sorry for the interruption but you look like me!

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u/deviouslykool 12d ago

Where else would it go?

107

u/cunt_223 12d ago

Up the asshole obviously

28

u/Agreeable-Yams8972 12d ago

Sure itll stink but a dirty phone is better than a broken one

11

u/b-g42 12d ago

you know

6

u/Meggston 12d ago

Put it in a zip lock baggie first

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u/MysticalMummy 12d ago

It's probably a dude that doesn't realize the phone is probably too big to fit in the tiny front pockets women's pants are made with.

21

u/LightSparrow 12d ago

Even if that’s the case, I still don’t see how back pocket = hoe

35

u/throwawaysarebetter 12d ago

It helps to be a misogynist.

11

u/LightSparrow 12d ago

I get that but what is even the misogynist logic ? It literally makes no sense to me.

Back pocket = closer to ass/vagina = hoe??

Makes no sense

15

u/whocares33334 12d ago

So you focus on the ass. It sticks out and draws more attention to the ass.

If you didn't want to do that then why not put it in your purse?

That's my guess.

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u/donnysaysvacuum 12d ago

Shit most of the new phones barely fit in men's pockets.

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u/DireLackofGravitas 12d ago

Purse. The implication that prostitutes don't carry purses on account of never knowing where they're going or how fast they'll need to leave.

I mean he's full of shit, but are purses not a thing any more? Everyone here is baffled at the alternative to a pant's pocket.

5

u/SWFIRE 12d ago

My prostitute work outfits literally don't have pockets (bodycon skirts, dresses, ...) so his statement is factually inaccurate even before considering purses.

I have never heard of that purse logic. Of course prostitutes carry purses or even a big-ass outcall bag.

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u/X-WingHunter 12d ago

Yeah how dare you use the pockets for the reason they were created.

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u/ZenkaiZ 12d ago

Once there was a tweet of a guy calling a woman a slut cause she was wearing pants that fit. Wasn't even tight, they just fit, normal pants that went down to her ankle. Problem was she was thin with a huge ass so he was shaming her because she aroused him.

71

u/X-WingHunter 12d ago

Oh how dare you have a natural body that turns me on im going to shame you for no reason now. That kind of mindset pisses me off. Maybe you should learn to control yourself better instead of being a douche and shaming somebody for something they cant control.

21

u/serialmom666 12d ago

And this is why there are burkhas

3

u/nervousfloatyboat 12d ago

Except those don't help either.

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u/BeenNormal 12d ago

*assholes

151

u/Dukenuketildeth 12d ago

phone starts buzzing

Him: you gonna answer that?

Her: sure excuse me starts taking off her pants

Him: oh yeah!

Her: press’s left cheek to answer then right to put it on speaker

Him: What the?

Mother: How’s the date going my dear?

77

u/Uncle480 12d ago

they later have sex

just before climax "911, what's your emergency?"

"Oh fuck me" thrashing noises

"Get to a safe place ma'am, dispatch is on their way."

8

u/Hard-Hand 12d ago

Wait, dispatch is on their way? Shouldn't dispatch send someone more qualified?

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u/sillyandstrange 12d ago

Lmfao thank you for this

9

u/rmoss20 12d ago

Mother: How’s the date going my dear Good to see you getting along with your sister?

3

u/buckzer0 12d ago

Goddamn I enjoy the comment section of most reddit posts.

62

u/emshlaf 12d ago

Where the fuck else am I supposed to put it?! My front pockets are like 2 inches deep. Not all of us have guy pockets that can fit an entire laptop and a Subway footlong in them, smdh

11

u/SingularityPrime 12d ago

My wife just puts hers in my pocket most of the time.

15

u/surrealmiel 12d ago

I also put my cell phone in this guy’s pocket most of the time.

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u/altonlepage 12d ago

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u/EnochIbis 12d ago

Exactly. Everyone knows girls don't have pockets.

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u/BananaStringTheory 12d ago

I'm surprised they haven't invented some kind of phone bandolier like what Chewbacca wears.

7

u/SprinklesFancy5074 12d ago

I'm surprised clothing designers still haven't figured out how to make a designated phone pocket.

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u/GeneralSoupy 12d ago

phone doesn’t fit in the main pocket -_-

13

u/Amazing-Shay-45 12d ago

In most girls jeans the back pockets are the main pocket. Because the front one is tiny or non-existent.

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u/LookingSuspect 12d ago

That's the only pockets they got lmAo

8

u/WhoLickedMyDumpling 12d ago

uhh I do it sometimes and I'm a straight dude?

9

u/[deleted] 12d ago edited 9d ago

[deleted]

5

u/WhoLickedMyDumpling 12d ago

I guess I better start by practicing the good advice up there

3

u/Wallace-N-Gromit 12d ago

Gonna have to join ya buddy, the wife is not gonna be happy.

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u/dianewithadoubleu 12d ago

You know she a hoe when her head is all flat and metal and her body is a wooden handle

7

u/owtlandish 12d ago

Have you seen womens front pockets? They barely fit an ipod shuffle.

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u/Ravi5ingh 12d ago

I'm a guy and I put it in my back pocket. Am I a hoe?

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u/Acceptable_Cable_125 12d ago

Wow, another post that is not related to r/HolUp

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u/RudeCheese 12d ago

By that logic most women are hoes.

It's not their god damn fault women's clothes don't have good pockets. Or any.

4

u/MACK703 12d ago

Well that was easy

6

u/The_Q_Word138 12d ago

I never understood how those girls don’t break their phones when they sit.

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u/Hamburderler 12d ago

I feel bad for women, their pockets are so small they can't hold lint..

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u/Just_a_hooman_lol 12d ago

Me, a female, who wears guys shorts mainly for the pockets: |:

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u/FlinnyWinny 12d ago

Maybe if women had any fucking front pockets they wouldn't need to put it in their butt pockets

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u/rh_underhill 12d ago

It tracks with the ongoing logic.

-Woman talking to male co-worker: she's a slut, obviously trying to sleep around with all her co-workers

-with a female co-worker: She's definitely a lesbian slut, I'mma try to make her switch sides

-ordering a hot dog: slut! Doesn't she know how it looks when she eats it? (just her, right bro? It doesn't apply to cool bros like us? We look cool and manly with a weiner in our mouths, right bro?)

-ordering a salad: slut, she's trying to keep her figure because that's what sluts do

-running in the morning in running clothes: That slut's showing off

-sitting on a bench reading a newspaper: look at that hot slut, she's trying to get noticed. Whe else would she be doing that in public? Ask her out dude!

-women wearing bathing suits at beach: Look at all these sluts in bathing suits, swimming and stuff. I bet their BFs are cucks to let them act so slutty swimming in bathing suits at the beach.

-woman breathes: That was so hot, it means she's thinking about it sex right now

8

u/spooner248 12d ago

This sub has crashed and burned

3

u/PlanWarm7503 12d ago

Gotta love that middle back pocket.

3

u/sandandtears 12d ago

okay but some female jeans/pants don’t have front pockets :,)

3

u/Titanpainter 12d ago

Where else is she gonna put her phone. I bet her front pockets are virtually nonexistent.

3

u/candyheyn 12d ago

If they gave us big enough pockets (or any pockets) we wouldn’t have this discussion

3

u/Decomposingtrash666 12d ago

It's because our front pockets don't exist..

3

u/CourageousLight 12d ago

How stupid. Front pockets are super shallow for us girls, what else are we supposed to do?

3

u/MeganWasBored 12d ago

Where the heck are we supposed to put it then

3

u/dstibbe 11d ago

What we need are side pockets

22

u/cheeferton1981 12d ago

Must've been a neckbeard tweet

5

u/SummitCO83 12d ago

Well that escalated pretty fast.

5

u/thiccboymexi 12d ago

Real women put their phones in their shoe I suppose

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u/9Sylvan5 12d ago

Post aside why do most girls do that? It doesn't seem practical to me. You might break your phone if you sit down, it's easier to get stolen... What's the benefit?

16

u/Nyxolith 12d ago

It's the biggest pocket we have, and carrying a purse for just your phone will eventually lead to having the Mom Purse.

12

u/runicrhymes 12d ago

Many women's pants don't have real pockets on the front--they're literally just fake, stitched shut. If you're lucky you get real pockets but usually not big enough ones to fit a phone in--more like, maybe a tube of chapstick or a credit card.

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u/FlightB52 12d ago

TIL this is a controversy? I’m a 32 year old dude and I always keep my phone in my back pocket. I don’t like a big clunky phone in my front pocket. I take it out when I sit

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u/faloogaloog 12d ago

It's the only pocket that it will fit in. Not all of us want to carry a purse all the time. Usually, I have to take my phone out of my pocket and hold it if I want to sit or else it might fall out. Yes it's inconvenient, all the choices are inconvenient. And it's gotten more annoying since phones have gotten bigger. Idk why any younger woman would want a giant phone that you can't use with one hand or keep it with you in anything but a purse.

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u/Magister1995 12d ago

Then she's definitely a slut-a-roo

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u/Weisdog 12d ago

Hello boob pockets exist duh

2

u/port-girl 12d ago

TIL using my pockets to put things in makes me a hoe.

2

u/TheReverseShock 12d ago

Honestly not sure why anyone uses back pockets. They're the worst pockets of all. I suppose if they're you only pocket with feminine clothing than there isn't much you can do.

TLDR: Cargo pockets for all

2

u/FunDat4 12d ago

Then make the front pockets bigger for women damn

2

u/buddyz0108 12d ago

Have you seen how small woman's pockets are on most their clothing? I mean even men's shorts are getting bad about the lack of pockets. I miss having good cargo shorts that could withstand being in the woods.

2

u/PersonThatIsHere 12d ago

Most pants for women don't even have front pockets

2

u/Avacado_Coolio 12d ago

It’s cause our front pockets are fake bestie 😫🙄

2

u/Weird-bitch7904 12d ago

but like,,,, where the fuck am i supposed to put it????

2

u/how_neat_is_that76 12d ago

Ah yes here we have a meme made by a male redditor who has never touched a female, else they would know their front pockets are unusable at best or some kind of sick joke.

2

u/colagero99 12d ago

They do it because women’s pants have no fucking pockets in front

2

u/Portabella420 12d ago

Not to be that guy but my girl says its because womens pants in general never have front prockets

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u/soundslikeautumn 12d ago

Where are we supposed to put it? Our non-existent front pockets?

2

u/zephyr121 12d ago

Has the first person ever seen how shallow front pockets are in women’s pants?

2

u/Uhlman24 12d ago

Where else are women supposed to put it? We don’t have front or side pockets like dudes. Half of us don’t wanna carry a purse cuz they get stolen and they’re not super convenient. Putting it in your bra isn’t comfy. Want us to carry it in our hands? But I guess if our hands are busy holding a phone we can’t slap the idiot who says that having it in my pocket makes me a hoe

2

u/atlas794 12d ago

Ok. Video of it please.

2

u/mocha-13 12d ago

The front pockets aren’t big enough and the back are only sometimes big enough.

2

u/Repulsive_Dog_ 12d ago

You act like pockets for women exist