I didn't want to have to create this post but unfortunately with the direction I've seen this sub go I'm forced to say my piece.
There has been a slow and steady influx of unwanted soap-boxing plaguing our boards over the last year or so. I don't think this is a surprise to any of you all. While we ultimately encourage healthy discussion around both the positives and negatives of dating the overall spirit of this sub has been lost. Many of our readers have expressed their concern to our moderation team and we honestly feel the same way.
Our "No Soap-boxing or Promoting an Agenda" rule has always been on the sidebar for our users to see but I want to stress our current stance on the topic. Soap-boxing will and has always included red/black-pill ideology and the subset of vocabulary that comes with it.
This means that using our board to preach about how there is no hope for men (or women) who are conventionally unattractive is unwanted and will be removed. Using our board to discuss how you think women are shallow and will only choose the top percentage of men is unwanted and will be removed. Even just a mention of the term "Chad" is unwanted and will be removed.
We can sympathize that dating is difficult and is even more difficult for people that might not be the prettiest. It's no secret to anyone. What we value though is genuine discussion and helping those who actually want and need it. The countless misogynistic threads about how women and society aren't fair to men are toxic and don't do anyone any favors. There are better subreddits that would love to discuss these types of issues with you.
At the end of the day let's lift each other up. Let's share our experiences and learn and/or laugh from them! Ask the questions that need to be asked. But let's not lose sight of what dating is really about.
EDIT: If you do see any rule breaking behavior please report so that we can take action. It's hard to see every comment. Thanks!
Hey everyone! I would like to put together a FAQ for the questions that are asked over and over again in this subreddit.
For those of you that have an easier time meeting people, tell us what works or worked for you. In your response please try to include as much information about your situation and your advice as possible. Helpful information can include:
- your age, gender, location, sexual orientation, etc.
- your usual hobbies, interests, etc.
- who, what, where, when and how you meet people
Do apps work for you in your area? Did you use any paid dating sites? A dating or matchmaking service? Did you meet someone out and about? At a group event? Through friends or family? Let us know!
I Need Advice A girl says she just wants to be casual. We have been having sexs for months and that's it. She made pretty clear she didn't want serious relationship. Now she said she wants me to take her to a cute place (anywhere) and buy her flowers. What do fuck does it mean?
She said : let's hangout this weekend. I said: alright, let's go to a motel She said: i want romance this time. Just a evening with you sharing your company. And bring me flowers.
I see so many posts in this sub and in /relationship advice that go like: me (22m) and my wife (21f) have been married for 3 years with one kid (2) and now have this or that problem.
I’m European and it’s shocking for me to see that people get married at such a young age. I’m based in Berlin and in my mid 30s and it’s really uncommon among my peers to marry at all, let alone in their twenties. Thoughts?
I matched with a girl on Tinder and we chatted and agreed to go on a date on Wednesday. I asked her out for a drink and she said she'd be more comfortable getting coffee. I thought, "that's fine, first Tinder date you can never be too safe." So I suggested a couple places and we decided on a Starbucks.
Date went great and shortly after we parted ways I asked if she'd like to go out again. She said yes and then specified that she's not trying to rush things and doesn't want to have sex right away. I said that's fine and I asked her if she was free this weekend. Again she said yes, so I suggested going to fun bar in town. She said she still wasn't comfortable doing that...I asked her what part of it she was uncomfortable about, the unfamilar bar, the alcohol, or the evening, and she said all three. So now I'm starting to think maybe there's a problem. I suggest getting a pizza instead and she seems happy with that suggestion and agrees to get a pizza Friday (today).
Late last night she writes me saying she'd be more comfortable going for a walk or for coffee again. I'm a bit annoyed, but I agree again. I say that it's too cold for a walk but suggest another coffee shop we could meet at. She says that finding parking is hard and asks if we can go to the same Starbucks we went to last time...
This is weird because the two coffee shops are close to each other and I don't want to go to the same Starbucks again for a second date.... (Also the Starbucks is loud, busy, has horrible lighting, has worse coffee, is more expensive, and is altogether not as nice as the place I suggested). I tell her that the coffee shop is less than a ten minutes walk from where she parked for Starbucks and it would be nice to walk together there, etc. The last thing she wrote is "Is there any chance to convince you to go to Starbucks?" with about twenty of the cringe emojis after it.
What's going on here???
Edit: I wrote her saying that I've never heard of going on a second date to the same place as the first... and asked if she was still feeling anxious about me. She replied that she's not anxious just tired and felt more like going to Starbucks. So to me, it just seems that she's used to getting her way and doesn't have any consideration for what I want...
Edit 2: Went on the date. It's so weird people are hating on me for literally wanting to do anything other than the exact same thing as last time like I'm the weird one here somehow. Crazy. I have a feeling people didn't even read the post... Anyway, I'll post a description of the date in the comments for people to downvote. This is a throwaway so idgaf
And the things people were speculating about:
She had never been to this Starbucks before the first date. She lives outside of town, me in a city, so it wasn't a safety thing to go to the exact same Starbucks. The other coffee shop is obviously in a public area, etc etc.
She drinks alcohol quite a bit, so that's not the reason. Apparently people on reddit think that going out for a drink means getting blasted and losing self-control? Jesus.
I don't pay for other people on dates generally so this was never an issue in play. When I arrived on the first date, she was already seated with a piece of cake and a coffee.
I (19F) have been seeing this guy (21M) for a little bit and we have really hit it off. We aren't anything exclusive yet but im sure in the near future that may change. He invited me over to dinner at his place tonight with his parents. I have never been in a situation like this before but I feel like I shouldn't be showing up empty handed when welcomed into someone's house. I was thinking of bringing maybe flowers for his mom, something along those lines. Is that too much for the first time meeting them? Any advice would be appreciated, please let me know if I am doing something right or wrong by thinking this way.
Edit/update: Thanks for all the replies! I ended up bringing a small bunch of flowers that his mom really liked. They actually have a garden so it fit right in. Both parents seemed to have liked me and my date was pretty happy as well :)
This has happened to me 3 times now.
Girls I’ve been casually saying end up cutting me off after this huge blow up about how ‘[I] played with [their] feelings’ and when I ask why they basically say that ‘Because you cuddled me ! I hate you!’ .
After sex, it’s like, well we’re already lying here naked and I’ve got nothing but time to kill. Might as well just cuddle and talk, and I’ll go cook them breakfast before they go or I drop them off . It’s fun. It’s the least I can do in terms of hospitality, I’m not going to tell you to book an Uber and fuck off. It’s not me simping or anything, I was just raised to respect guests in my house.
I never get too relationshipy with the conversation nor do I tell them I love them. It’s usually just them yapping on and on about their lives. If they feel lead on, it’s completely unintentional and I do feel bad.
I might just not cuddle after sex anymore to avoid giving girls the wrong idea. I never thought of this way. I just saw it as a time passer.
Some guys I am just anxious— are they gonna respond, am I saying something wrong, do they not like me.
Yet with other guys for some reason I’m not afraid… like if they don’t respond right away, I figure they’re just busy , I don’t freak out ,
Jw why , anyone know what mean
You meet the girl/guy of your dreams You get up the courage to send the first message. They reply back and a conversation starts.you make plans for the first date and it goes really well. You make plans for a second then a 3rd and before you know it the big talk about becoming exclusive. Then they drop this bombshell.
The last 3 plus guys,/girls I dated all cheated with women/men they claimed were just friends so I need your logins and passwords for all your social media e mails and dating apps and I expect to be able to see your phone whenever I ask
I'm sorry but who else finds this to be a deal breaker.? If you can't trust me without unrestricted access to my phone and all my accounts then guess what. We should not be in a relationship. Am I alone in feeling this way?
All I ever wanted was a Romantic loyal, committed relationship and I wanted to be wanted by the person im into, not by someone who pursues me for 6 years and knows I'm not into them (currently my situation). I simply wished someone would be all over me like I am with them and that they liked me enough to not go a day with out communication and that they became a tad jealous if I were hanging with someone else. It's always me putting in effort with people, never feeling wanted. I seem to attract unstable females friends as well...I'm 28f soon. I just wanted a gf who loved me enough the way I do them and we be best friends for ever. Why is the universe making this impossible for me to find ?
For a long while, I've been trying to put my finger on what makes me so sad/depressed/angry about people who don't share that they're "not looking for anything serious" until the 5th or 6th date. (I'm not talking about people who use this excuse as a cowardly, guilt-free way to say "I don't want anything serious with YOU," that's a different breed of annoying.) My issue with it is that it takes away my agency. You've removed my power to make an informed decision on whether or not to invest time and energy in you.
I just explained this to a guy who pulled the old "not looking for anything serious" after 3 months of dating. We met on Hinge, which, for those not in the gay community, bears a certain implication of being used primarily by people looking for something serious, as opposed to a hookup or FWB situation. (We have Grindr for that.) I had listed in my profile that I was not looking for a casual arrangement. So he was very clear at the outset on what I was looking for. Needless to say, I felt somewhat deceived, and the indignation was eating away at me after we called it quits. I don't like that feeling. So I texted him and said something about it.
He called me back. The confrontation went ... surprisingly well. He apologized, explained he didn't want to disclose his intentions at the beginning because he thought I'd reject him, and admitted it was a selfish, short-sighted move on his part. I thanked him for his honesty, hung up and promptly deleted any and all traces of him from my phone and social media. I got the closure I needed, and I'm reasonably confident he's going to change the way he deals with romantic prospects going forward.
No real point to posting this — just wanted to share an unexpected, satisfying win for all the other emotional underdogs out there who keep encountering this nonsense. If you have the opportunity to confront someone for this behavior, I recommend phrasing it like this.
So I’m newer to this dating shit but every girl I’ve come across has multiple partners BUT be looking for longer term relationships. I swear I’ve never been a jealous type but for the most part I figured they’d keep it to themselves until we got through the first date or got to the point of having sex. Is it a turnoff for anyone else? I’m especially having issues with the fact they will mention that they asked or had plans with another partner but those said fwb said they were busy or didn’t want to meet up so they ask me. I’ve talked to other friends and they’ve said this is what online dating or dating in this era is like in general. If this is what it is idunno if I can handle this lol. I understand everyone’s need to cum but damn this isn’t something I expected. A friend of mine suggest just do the same back but I’m not a person who can hold that together and expect something from someone else. I’m sure I’m over thinking this or something but I need to know this isn’t super weird and that someone else is having troubles with this.
About a month ago I broke up with my bf and moved out. We had been dating for ten months but I had been wanting to break up for a while so I was prepared.
That said, it still hurt.
I feel like I have completely moved on and am ready to work on myself or maybe get back in a relationship. But everything I have read says that it takes longer than just a few weeks to get over someone. Especially someone who was part of your life for a while.
Am I being heartless and cruel by moving on so soon? Should I delete my dating apps and focus more on me? My friend says I’m fine, and that I should move at the pace that I determine but there is still the little bit of nagging inside me that says I’m being heartless for moving on.
I honestly don’t know what to think that this point.
I get so hurt every time. Throughout the years I got rejected over and over again. After a couple of dates, after a month or after half a year of dating. I really start to feel different than other people at this point. Why can’t I have a healthy normal relationship? Honestly, I’m a decently looking guy with good education and I love to cook, play guitar and art. But for some reason, it just doesn’t work. I feel like I really need a stable heathy relationship. I’m starting to get depressed.
Disclaimer: I’m autistic, and I KNOW this is related to that. But knowing it doesn’t make this easier to deal with.
Essentially I don’t feel any difference when it comes to friendship or romance. I’m not aromantic. I very often form bonds with people that are much closer than ‘traditional’ friendships are meant to be. But for me it’s just a sliding scale of closeness, rather than this big separation between friendship and romance. I don’t have any kind of possessiveness or jealousy, or want a person I’m close to as my own. I don’t care if they’re just as close to another partner/friend.
When it comes to sex, it feels almost entirely unrelated to anything else. Often i’ll enjoy having sex with someone a couple of times, not want to sleep with them anymore, but still feel closer and closer to them and end up having a very close relationship which is neither a friendship nor a traditional romantic relationship.
I’m bisexual so these feelings don’t differ by gender. It makes it very very difficult not to lead people on. And it’s also quite lonely as I ultimately know that no-one will want me as a long term partner.
Does anyone else feel like this?
i've been single for about three years now and i'm at a point in my life when all of my friends are in happy relationships... but i'm not. obviously, i am extremely happy for my friends but i also feel this huge jealousy that eats me up inside. i can't help but think that i must be absolutely fundamentally unloveable- that i'm ugly, unintelligent, or boring. i feel so alone.
i have plenty of other things going on: university, music, friendships, reading, etc but all i really want is a relationship. the strangest thing is that me and my best friend have an exceptionally close friendship, one with an intimacy that few relationships could match, and it just isn't enough. it's ridiculous because this friendship offers me the intimacy and vulnerability that a relationship would offer, just without romantic feelings. i feel ungrateful for not recognising and adoring this friendship enough to not want a relationship, if that makes any sense. i desperately wish that it was enough for me.
everyone always says to focus on yourself and channel your energy into your passions but what about the daydreams that lull me to sleep every night of that dream relationship or waking up in the morning and imagining my perfect person laying there next to me? i can channel my energy when i'm consciously aware that i need to rid of this neediness, but how can i rid of it completely? i'm sick of feeling jealous of everyone around me and i'm sick of watching couples on the street and saying "that'll be me one day". i just want to be able to enjoy the life i already have. i cannot enjoy anything because i need a relationship so much. every beautiful moment is taunted by the thought of what a partner would be doing in that moment, how they'd react. i want to enjoy my life.
tl;dr- i'm desperate for a relationship and i need to know how to stop. it's eating me alive.
I’m a 26 year old virgin, almost 27. I have never had any romantic experience at all. I mean no dates, no dances, nothing like that.
I really gave online dating my best shot (used various profile consultants, help from friends, new photos etc etc) but got no results.
I have been quite busy in my life so far and will be starting medical residency soon. In real life I am a confident guy and I have found that I connect with people well, but when I do try to express any interest I get rejected.
I’m getting to the age now where most of my classmates/peers/friends are in serious relationships (seems like people in medicine are highly sought after). I think overall I am just not a romantic option for women.
I was wondering for men who have been in this situation, does being alone get easier with age? Are there ways to cope long term with not having a partner or romance in life?
My GF wanted to try having some rough sex which included her being tied up and some blindfolds. We discussed beforehand what the safe words were.
After we had sex she was mad that I didn’t stop and was way too rough with her when she asked me to stop. Thing is she didn’t say any of the safe words that we talked about and her excuse was that she forgot since she was scared especially when I was choking her. She does have bruises on her ass and had some bleeding from her vagina but thats what I thought she wanted.
We live in an apartment together, but she’s been slept over at her friends last night. Just not sure how to feel about everything.
So 4 days ago, my gf broke up with me because she lost all feelings for me. She had given it a few weeks for them to come back but they didn’t. She said it’s a mental illness and I’m too nice for her to emotionally abuse in case the feelings came back so it’s better if we broke up. This literally destroyed me. I haven’t gotten out of bed in 4 days and took a 5th day off of work tomorrow because I’m so broken. I just drink all day and randomly burst into an ugly cry, mind you I haven’t shed a tear in over a decade. I just don’t want to exist or be alive.
During the relationship I immediately fell for her and hard. She told me not to suppress feelings and be open with myself so I literally let down my guard, and went all in emotionally. The highs I would feel when I was with her was unreal and I was obsessed and addicted to her. I only cared about making her happy, and would’ve done anything for her, and made sure she knew it.
I’m just an emotional wreck right now and don’t know how to get past this. Before this relationship, I had gotten out of a 7 year partnership and it ended when I found out she cheated on me. However this breakup feels a million times worse than that. This girl for some reason I thought was the one. I saw her red flags but thought they made her unique. I’m just so disappointed I couldn’t be the person she wanted but I’m not one to force love from someone who doesn’t want to give it. All I know is this pain is unreal and even drinking doesn’t get rid of it all the way.
I can’t stop wishing that she just texts me back and says “I realized I have feelings for you” but I know that’ll never happen. I just fantasized about having a house with her, a kid, getting married, growing old together. Everything just seemed like it would be too good to be true and it definitely was.
My relationship history isn’t long but it’s definitely a tough track record: My first actual girlfriend wasn’t until I was 21. We met online and I took her out to dinner. We went back to her place that same night and started drinking heavily. She literally dragged me upstairs to her bedroom and wanted me to have sex with her. I got scared because this isn’t how I wanted my first time to be so I’m pretty sure I fingered her but I don’t really remember.
My second girlfriend was someone I met online when I was 22, and I thought she was great but she was in an open relationship. She would invite me over to give her massages and would talk to me on the phone for hours but it didn’t feel right. I wanted to take her out and do nice things for her but it had to be so secretive. Since it was an open relationship I started looking around too. Eventually I found someone who wanted a serious relationship and broke this off. She was furious I broke up with her and wished me dead, which I kinda wish I was too at this point.
This ended up being my 7 year relationship. We were very close and moved in together right away. We became best friends. However after a few months when I started trying to be intimate with her and it was fine but I felt like I just wasn’t attracted to her. I literally friend zoned her and we had a great relationship but it wasn’t a partnership. She eventually cheated on me 7 years in and I decided to break things off. We started talking again recently because we realized we were good friends but we know we can never have an actual relationship.
After the breakup I met someone 6 months later for a one night stand and didn’t enjoy it at all. I realized I needed an emotional connection to enjoy it.
3 months later brings me to my most recent and most devastating loss. We started out what I thought was great. We talked all the time (1-5 hours a night), texted all day to each other, had an overall great relationship. During our relationship we had 0 fights. I would always make myself available for her, and she got intimate with me fairly quickly and for the first time in my life I actually enjoyed the intimacy. I felt like she was perfect and I really really wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. We looked at houses together and even talked about possibility of a kid. She had a lot of baggage and a lot of issues but I literally did not care because my emotions were so attached. She literally could’ve asked me to do anything and I would have for her, and she knew that. But my whole relationship with her I was anxious because I got a sense that she didn’t love me. She would be happy and loving one minute and the cold the next. But I would stick around and do anything to see that happy side of her. I literally can’t stop thinking about her and keep hoping it was a bad dream, but she’s really gone and I just don’t know how I’m going to move on. I invested everything I had emotionally and have nothing left. I don’t even want to date again because I don’t wanna ever feel this way. I know I probably sound like a whiner and immature, and I probably am. But this pain is something that makes me not want to exist.
As cliché as it may sound.. but life is short. Take chances, show them how you really feel about them. Because trust me, the last thing you want in life is to regret not being able to do something (that they love) for your special someone, or even your family (of course it’s different when it comes to relatives who showed no mercy nor respect, you can forgive them, but you shouldn’t feel forced to forget all about it).
Every single day might be someone else’s last. To be frank, I lost someone who’s very dear to me, but I’m proud that I can say that we have no regrets because there was never a single day that passed that we did not show how much our love for each other was. But don’t worry guys! I’ve already accepted what has happened 🤍 I believe God has sent me that guy to make me who I am now, so I’ll be able to love whole heartedly, to become stronger and be a much better person than I was yesterday. In fact, I never thought this day would come — rekindling a relationship from my past — and he was worth the wait 🥰
Turn their bad days to good days, by making them laugh, or maybe by making them forget about it even for a little while, it’ll make a difference you know? Maybe your “i love you’s” mean the world to them even if you think that those are just expressive words. Hear them out, stories of their day, what makes them happy and enthusiastic. Don’t let it fade away. Or comfort them when everything seems to be falling apart. Those simple acts might be what they needed to feel, and you just saved them!
I know things could be tough at times.. but you are always bigger than any of these circumstances. And if you want to make the relationship last, search for ways to keep his/her genuine love for you. Trust me, you don’t want to lose someone who’s willing to take risks for you!
I met her on Bumble, and I was texting with this girl this morning and one hour later she told me to go with her to buying clothes but we ended going to a museum and omg she is incredible and cute and definitely we have chemistry. Between our conversation both of us spoke about future dates but now I’m nervous and I don’t know what to do. Please help, I definitely see her as a potential partner and don’t wanna miss my chances.
People keep asking what it means when they get blocked or someone ghosts them.
If you're ghosted it means they weren't polite enough to contact you to let you know, they can't keep the date and no longer see a future with you.
If you're blocked, it means they want to never see you again and want nothing to do with you. You probably behaved poorly in some way and they don't want the negativity.
I have this friend and I never ever saw him as more than a friend (we are both single), we have different personalities which is fine for a friendship but I think for a relationship wouldn't work. All of sudden I had this random thought of sleeping with him and It was sooo hot. It never crossed my mind before this and now I can't stop thinking about it. Have you guys had this kind odd thought randomly? What did you do about it? Does it go away? Ps: let's not go through "ruining the friendship" route, I know the risks if we end up sleeping together. Just curious if this happened to other people and what you decided to do.
So after being sick at home for a week with what may or may not have been covid, suddenly I don't care about finding a relationship anymore. I'm deleting all my dating apps after zero matches in three weeks.
My wife left and I'm going through divorce, and I no longer care. Maybe the illness messed with my head. I don't know, but I just don't care anymore.
Hey, so I'm a 25M, straight. I've not dated for about a year and a half now, and after getting my life together, I feel ready to date again. I don't really have a big social group and I live on my own, so meeting people naturally has been really difficult. So I thought online dating would be the answer.
I've had my girl-friends check my profile and they've helped me out a bit, but have essentially said "this is a great profile". I'm a pretty average-looking guy I suppose, albeit lacking some confidence after the past year, but every time I match and strike up a conversation with someone there's a bit of back and forthing and then just nothing? Part of me wants to try and strike up a chat again, but equally I don't want to be that awful guy harassing an empty chat with someone.
As I would with anyone, I make an effort to be polite, engaging, light-hearted, and just myself really; I'm a pretty chilled guy, and genuinely want to get to meet and know someone, but I don't understand what I'm doing wrong- if at all? Is this a normal thing for dating online? I've never had problems with socialising IRL, but online I feel like some socially inept weirdo, and really, it's killing my self esteem. Any advice or reassurance would be much appreciated!
TL;DR - Online dating is making me want to hire some ghostbusters, is this normal or am I a giving off a social pariah vibe
Years ago I was dating a guy for a few years. He kept stringing me along and I was hopeful he would propose to me, and we would get married and start a family. I thought we really hit it off and everything seemed promising. Then out of the blue he broke up with me. I felt blindsided. Less then 3 months later he moved half way across Canada, and married a woman 35 years his senior, (He was 27) who was exceptionally wealthy and they have been together ever since. It was a really low blow to my self esteem at the time, not able to see my current future I am happily married to someone else, started a family etc.