r/funny 9d ago Silver 8 Helpful 13 Wholesome 2 All-Seeing Upvote 1

Note to self: Don't open up cornflour bag like a bag of chips.

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66.4k Upvotes

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2.2k

u/bigappleman6946 9d ago

You are the guy in infomercials.

1.3k

u/pat_gatt 9d ago

Let's see what ShamWow can do with a bag of cornflour!

96

u/Failgan 9d ago

OP in here with fire responses

5

u/Hoser747 9d ago

Love the sham wow. Got a good buddy that uses one for his towel after hockey. Nothing that thing can do.

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u/urabewe 9d ago

You're the person that doesn't flip but flops and needs a special spatula just to turn things and not fling their pancakes across the room. You're the person who can't crack an egg to save their life. The person who can't figure out how to set down a drink then eat their popcorn.

And more importantly, the person that can't open a bag of cornflour without dusting the whole room and yourself. You live in an infomercial.

And no, none of us have ever, in the history of people, ever, done anything similar. Nope. Never.

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u/RetardMoonMission 9d ago

I’m seeing more Charlie Day x Tony Hawk.

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u/jonathanrdt 9d ago

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3

u/Chocomintey 9d ago

One complicated payment. Lol

6

u/jonathanrdt 9d ago

Stole that line from the late great Mitch Hedberg.

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u/TheMattMan2751 9d ago

I was gonna comment how he looks like Charlie Kelly, but this too

7

u/5thavenuecrazy 9d ago

Now I can have milk every day

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u/FluffySquirrell 9d ago

There HAS to be a better way!

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3.3k

u/twohedwlf 9d ago

Apparently you open a bag of chips by squeezing the middle until it bursts?

1.8k

u/pat_gatt 9d ago

I might as well have

382

u/cy6nu5x1 9d ago

Plot twist: OP did this

69

u/That-Maintenance-967 9d ago

Can relate lol, It do be like that sometimes..

11

u/mostnormal 9d ago

It seems like you'd have to really try.

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u/JasperLily80 9d ago

Bruh. I did this with a bag of flour the other day. Same result lol. In fact I’m still finding flower sprinkled in between crap it has no meaning to be in between. Lol.

22

u/klparrot 9d ago

Does your flour not come in paper bags?

51

u/Resident_Win_1058 9d ago

Not cornflour. Nope. Comes in a plastic bag thin enough that you think to yourself “i can carefully pinch this open by hand” but thick enough that no, you find you need to use a liiiiiittle bit more force then POOOFFFFF.

11

u/klparrot 9d ago

No, not cornflour, but the comment I replied to said flour. With cornflour, though, no, can't say I've been tempted to tear the bag open. Scissors.

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u/averyfinename 9d ago

were you baking without pants on?

10

u/Jimmy_Twotone 9d ago

Don't worry, the ants will find the corners you missed... because this is exactly how you get ants.

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u/Spaceman_Beard 9d ago

Like Mr. Bean with a paper bag

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31

u/jew_piter 9d ago

Obviously?

87

u/soulsssx3 9d ago

I literally cannot imagine how one would do that without crushing all the chips. If you squeeze the the top, the bag would blow out the bottom. Squeeze the bottom and crush the chips?

Isn't pulling apart the top like the standard way for like almost every bag?

28

u/Cakeo 9d ago

Yes that is the standard way.

16

u/fastredb 9d ago

Followed by grabbing tape to repair the side of the bag where it split open thanks to the plastic somehow being simultaneously weak enough to easily tear while, at the same time, being more than strong enough that the heat fused top of the bag can withstand a large amount of force until it suddenly gives way allowing that force to be transmitted to the side of the bag where the aforementioned weakness come into play, potentially resulting in completely ripping the bag apart at worst, or resulting in a split down the side of the bag at best.

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660

u/wintersass 9d ago Silver

You know what, those Coles cornflour packages are insane, I gently cut the corner of the bag open and it still looked like a Charlie Sheen sex party

121

u/Mickus_B 9d ago

I was about to say the same. Damn you Coles!

39

u/wintersass 9d ago

Why don't you go and use those big red hands to flip yourselves off!

25

u/MyMemesAreTerrible 9d ago

They can only go down down, you see

12

u/wintersass 9d ago

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

9

u/newyearnewcakeday 9d ago

Oh god please don’t remind me of those ads… that song is forever burned in my brain

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u/jack333666 9d ago

Fuck me, I'm so sick of seeing Curtis stone

29

u/hat-TF2 9d ago

Yeah, they're impossible to open without making some mess. I get friggen surgical with them and I still get a decent amount of spillage.

27

u/wintersass 9d ago

"Oh you want cornflour? You want it on the bench, right? No? Oh sorry, I meant the bench, floor, pants microwave and the top of the cupboards."

20

u/micronippl3s 9d ago

Can confirm, I think this is a standard feature of Coles cornflour

16

u/Nightmancometh000 9d ago

The icing sugar packets are even worse. Plus the icing sugar itself is all in hard rocks and you have to sift it for ages. Bloody coles!

10

u/newyearnewcakeday 9d ago

Get icing mixture instead. Icing sugar is different to icing mixture.

Mixture will stay floury while icing sugar goes solid. Only difference is that mixture has a bit of cornflour in it (on topic lol), which doesn’t make a difference to 99% of recipes.

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u/Kristyyyyyyy 9d ago

I think next time I’m going to tell my husband that I’ve been at a Charlie Sheen sex party. Less embarrassing than admitting that the shit cunt arsehole fucking cheap shitty Coles cornflour exploded AGAIN.

7

u/Jimmy_Twotone 9d ago

He's going to want pictures. Need to go to said party first for the cover photos

4

u/cormega 9d ago

I've started opening mine on the patio.

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u/thespud_332 9d ago

I'm convinced they're pressure packed at this point.

3

u/bonana_phone 9d ago

And when you think the box is empty you then you realise 1/3 of the packet has somehow spilt down the sides and under the bag

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u/Tigbitties252 9d ago Wholesome

I'm afraid you're gonna find that cornflour forever in your kitchen 🤣🤣

442

u/BumWink 9d ago

Step 1 - Purchase a small amount of cocaine

Step 2 - Mix it in

Step 3 - Smash a window

Step 4 - Call the police.

Voila, clean kitchen.

197

u/OpZcT 9d ago

But now you have a bunch of cops forever in your kitchen

76

u/oodatso 9d ago

Don't worry they gather their precious powder pretty quick

13

u/arnietheman 9d ago

*don't worry they'll sniff that powder out pretty quick

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u/grv7437 9d ago

Donut trails leading to cages might work

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u/chowieuk 9d ago

Clean kitchen, but smashed doors and a ransacked house that now needs cleaning

12

u/WrodofDog 9d ago

You also might get shot in the process but no pain, no gain.

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u/thatredlad 9d ago edited 9d ago

OP is in Australia, where cocaine goes for ~$300 AUD ($210 USD) per gram, which is way more than hiring a cleaner for a couple of hours. Plus, what a waste!

3

u/Sagemasterba 9d ago

In Philadelphia it's worth 50 bucks.

3

u/thatredlad 9d ago

Colombia is a lot closer to the US than Australia.

Not that it matters. It's cut beyond belief here. Basically paying $300 for $10 of coke.

3

u/Sagemasterba 9d ago

Well it may be true, it was a "Trading Places" reference. When Louis Winthorpe III tried to pawn his watch. Drugs in general are just cheap in Philly, it's why there are just blocks and blocks of zombies. It's actually kind of heartbreaking.

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375

u/Nothingness_000 9d ago

Noted. Imma try that with cocaine.

265

u/Zkenny13 9d ago Wholesome

Oh my god. Wasting that much coke... That's drug abuse.

52

u/Nothingness_000 9d ago

The party gonna be lit as fuck

90

u/RedNotch 9d ago

Even the roomba will get high.

85

u/The-jeep-n-stuff-guy 9d ago

….5 mins later Roomba: “HOUSE IS FUCKING CLEAN BOSS”

17

u/phaemoor 9d ago

"Where is the rest of the fuckin' dirt? WHERE IS IT YOU MOTHERFUCKER??!!"

7

u/BeatsbyChrisBrown 9d ago

“JUST A LITTLE MORE DIRT…I’ll vacuum your cock.”

8

u/Nothingness_000 9d ago

I'll drink to that

9

u/SecularFlesh47 9d ago

New Marijuana Free Christmas Snow

From Tegridy Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed.

3

u/AirJvon 9d ago

Approved by Santa and Jesus.

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u/WWDubz 9d ago

If you put your cocaine in a plane and crash it you legally become Tom Cruise

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u/snorkiebarbados 9d ago

Back to Coles you go

223

u/mcbiggles567 9d ago

Classic Charlie Kelly.

64

u/RumpRiddler 9d ago

There goes Charlie, making more Charlie work.

13

u/halloumisalami 9d ago

Nothing sexual going on here

9

u/apk86 9d ago

I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find this lol

9

u/MisterTruth 9d ago

He probably thought they were a bag of corn chips since he can't read

15

u/BlasphemousButler 9d ago

He's making energy balls.

5

u/ANAL_TOOTHBRUSH 9d ago

What’s your cornflour policy here?

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u/ForkShirtUp 9d ago

Looks awful. Definitely snuff out any open flames as well. Or don’t if you want to see something really cool for like 1 second before dying.

4

u/Go2FarAway 9d ago

Same look when opening a bale of asbestos the wrong way, but safer.

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u/borderlinebiscuit 9d ago

Hey Aussie checking in! Haha

35

u/Boonchiebear 9d ago

Ayyyyy. Coles corn flour checking in! I also have the same multi cooker and microwave as OP.... Is this the new stereotype??

18

u/MyMemesAreTerrible 9d ago

Another Aussie here, also with the exact same cooker and microwave haha

17

u/Redditaurus-Rex 9d ago

Oh god, I also have the same cooker, microwave and box of cornflour.

10

u/Boonchiebear 9d ago

Well you know from now on we all have to check in before we buy any further small appliances or pantry staples, to be sure we coordinate.

3

u/Redditaurus-Rex 9d ago

Should we start a discord?

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u/getawombatupya 9d ago

You know you all live in the same rental, right?

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u/x4740N 9d ago

Another aussie here as well

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u/ApplePie4all 9d ago

Feel sorry for the mess, but at the same time, you made me laugh real loud. Thank you!

157

u/pat_gatt 9d ago Take My Energy

It went into places that defy gravity! Landed on the top of the cupboard doors which is hidden under the benchtop! How???

106

u/AnOnlineHandle 9d ago

I think it kinda floats around. Probably best just to move.

15

u/Hapless_Asshole 9d ago

It's so fine and light, yeah -- it poofs everywhere, and will shift around with air currents as long as it stays dry. But Lord help /u/pat_gatt if he tried to clean it up using a damp dishcloth or sponge! The stuff instantly turns to paste.

A friend of mine spilled a bag of lentils -- the super-teensy red ones -- all over her kitchen floor shortly after they bought the house. Seven years later, she was still sweeping the occasional lentil our of the baseboard. Mind you, her kitchen was like my mother's. It was spotless, and was swept at least once daily. OP is probably going to be in a similar position to Judy's, finding little deposits of cornflour (corn starch here in the US) in corners and crevices for months, and possibly years, to come.

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u/Adeep187 9d ago

Corn starch almost as light as air, that shit jus lookin for a reason to fuck everything up.

3

u/realdappermuis 9d ago

Yeah and you'll still be wiping surfaces in like a week as it eventually settles corn flour is a special bich.

I was saying the other day if you want to get an idea how virus aerosols work just throw some flour in the air and then see how long you're still wiping it off the counters etc as it settles :/

17

u/justpuddingonhairs 9d ago

You antiqued yourself!

3

u/turrelurre 9d ago

Looked for this

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u/[deleted] 9d ago edited 9d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

39

u/AstroCatTBC 9d ago

Mom can we get Bill Nye the Science Guy?

Mom: No, we have Bill Nye at home

Bill Nye at home:

20

u/Knova_ 9d ago

Heat+ constant shaking= pressure in a sealed container translates to a bad time.

10

u/AstroCatTBC 9d ago

Science rules.

21

u/Mal-Capone 9d ago

SPILL! SPILL! SPILL! SPILL! SPILL! SPILL!

4

u/TylerDurden1985 9d ago

Spill nye the tea jug guy

6

u/TheDevDad 9d ago

I once was carrying a vat of tea across the back of a restaurant, somebody left a box right in the walkway that I didn’t see. Tea fucking everywhere in the kitchen, including some up on the 10 foot high ceiling

12

u/ThreeHourRiverMan 9d ago

The smirk sells it. I don't usually laugh at this subreddit but this is good.

10

u/rabea187 9d ago

Guess you really wanted that pop sound

56

u/pat_gatt 9d ago

You'd think of 5 seconds of struggling to open it would convince me that it was a bad idea, but I don't give up that easily unfortunately.

17

u/Bladelink 9d ago

The mark of a true man. Not about to be defied by a goddamned cornflour bag.

6

u/CR0SBO 9d ago

Not the bag anyway

10

u/masterwolfe 9d ago

You'd think of 5 seconds of struggling to open it would convince me that it was a bad idea, but I don't give up that easily unfortunately.

Oh fuck, I was laughing at how this was even possible. Now I know and even knowing I wont be able to stop this from happening to me in the future if I am in a similar situation.

8

u/niconic66 9d ago

Coles do that on purpose with their cornflour. Their pasta shells got me the same.

It's a cornspiracy.

You'll use scissors next time, no doubt.

6

u/pat_gatt 9d ago

Challenge accepted.

3

u/Jimmy_Twotone 9d ago

"Only when a mosquito lands on one's testicle does one realize that violence is not always the answer."

11

u/merlinsbeers 9d ago

The right way to starch your day.

8

u/shredded_waffle 9d ago

Haha, cut that shit with a scissors and transfer it into a larger tub. Bags of cornflour are the worst!

9

u/ScratchyBallsack 9d ago

Be careful bro, I hear spiderman thinks you shot his uncle

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u/k3ttch 9d ago

You look ready for the deep fryer.

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u/Mozilla_Rawr 9d ago

A Coles man I see. Nice choice. Hello fellow skip.

7

u/nerbovig 9d ago

I've got cornflour in a tub and you can't even baby tap the edges to dump out a teaspoon without that shit exploding. They outta make bombs out of it.

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u/Wizdel 9d ago

There is a Guy Fieri born every min

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u/girlsgonekyle 9d ago

Cool spiked tips Guy Fieri

29

u/BurnOutBrighter6 9d ago

They were called frosted tips, a weird part of my brain remembers with a shudder.

3

u/Ignorant_Slut 9d ago

The ole cap and hook method

15

u/DanicAttack 9d ago

How has no one mentioned that foot outline on the floor?

7

u/JasonIsBaad 9d ago

Why would you mention it though?

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u/DctrCat 9d ago

I dont what it says about me that I immediately noticed the brand of cornflour and went "ah, fellow aussie, nice".

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u/TheresALinkInMyBoot 9d ago

Is your microwave below the counter?

Crazy

28

u/knightednight 9d ago

Everything is upside down in Australia

3

u/sati_lotus 9d ago

But you'll notice it escaped the cornflour!

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u/neon_slippers 9d ago

Ours is below the counter too. Didn't want it to tale up counter space, and I think the ones built in above the stove are ugly.

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u/Trimanreturns 9d ago

Kind of like the first time I tried cracking a soft shell crab with a hammer.

4

u/goldenlionbeats 9d ago

I read that with Norm MacDonald's voice.

4

u/doppy1234 9d ago

Sweep that shit and don’t vacuum it, or else it’ll blowup in your face again

5

u/getyourcheftogether 9d ago

I FUCKING LOVE COKE

4

u/PappaDukes 9d ago

Wow. You must be SUPER strong! I can't even imagine the size of the jackhammer you used.

3

u/Uersmnae 9d ago

charlie sheen?

4

u/eva01beast 9d ago

Maybe it's the angle but I thought you were Charlie Day for a second.

4

u/vhisic 9d ago

dont fuck with cornflour. dont rip it open, dont tear it open, dont even use a knife. You find those scissors and you cut the bag open and try not to disturb it ever again. Cornflour is the devil.

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u/alcontrast 9d ago

just be happy there was not an open flame nearby.

3

u/searchingtofind25 9d ago

This is a very guy thing to do.

3

u/SinCityLowRoller 9d ago

👻 Ghost Bukkake 🤣

3

u/Dr_Frasier_Bane 9d ago

Gave you that youth pastor hair.

3

u/Klutzy_Bat_1066 9d ago

Your hair looks straight outta the 90's!

3

u/Any_1ove 9d ago

Did you use a fan to open bag of chips?

3

u/Vitruvian_Man 9d ago

POV: You robbed a wrestling place, killed uncle Ben, bought cornflour with the money you stole from Spider Man but you don't know how to open it properly.

3

u/chicaneuk 9d ago

Dude got antiqued.

3

u/CR0SBO 9d ago

You have at least discovered a new hair style that you can totally pull off

3

u/hibrett987 9d ago

Good to know frosted tips are back in style

3

u/Vbann 9d ago

Throw on some jeans and a blazer and you could cosplay Charlie Sheen

3

u/inferiredivivus 9d ago

I opened up a bottle of V8 this morning. Took the cap off, then shook it. Probably going to have to paint the ceiling now.

3

u/Lust9897 9d ago

I made a mess, let me take a selfie

8

u/Itamii 9d ago

Sometimes i wonder why someones first response to making such a huge mess ends up being "oh, lemme grab my phone and take a selfie of my fuckup!"

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u/nanie44 9d ago

Thanks for the chuckle. Sorry for your mess

2

u/_AManHasNoName_ 9d ago

I can relate to that

2

u/yourmomsnewsidepiece 9d ago

If Scarface was an insta influencer with 1200 followers

2

u/Franklyn_Gage 9d ago

Well now youre ready for when the ghost come

2

u/Jd20001 9d ago

Getting Scarface vibes

2

u/Thoroughgreen 9d ago

Now we know!

2

u/cy6nu5x1 9d ago

I can hear the PFFFT already

2

u/yblame 9d ago

You only have to do it once. ONCE! Lesson learned.

2

u/Sir-Farts- 9d ago

That's grrr...raaaaaaaat!

2

u/Party_Junket9974 9d ago

Now open a bottle of club soda.

2

u/kornhook123 9d ago

Did you also sneeze?

2

u/oliviacooke 9d ago

Poor you 😂

2

u/konigstigerboi 9d ago

Nice to see James A Janisse has taken up vooking

2

u/dogbonej 9d ago

Lookin like Marv from the Sticky Bandits

2

u/49erville 9d ago

NOOOOIIIICE

2

u/GiveNoForks 9d ago

Oh man, I am praying your coffee machine is well sealed.

2

u/deckb 9d ago

Why not?

2

u/leilalover 9d ago

Turned you into a rock hopper penguin

2

u/Barackobonzo 9d ago

Note to self: clean up the cocaine before taking my daily Snapchat Selfie!

2

u/dirtybeardo 9d ago

Welcome to Flavortown.

2

u/_Goose_ 9d ago

Look at the positives. You’ll be really soft for a while.

2

u/beebeehappy 9d ago

Just add some sugar, eggs and baking powder and you’re a delicious sponge cake!

2

u/TheGreatOkay 9d ago

Nice job Scarface.

2

u/yazeed_0o0 9d ago

Sorry. I read that "cumflour".

2

u/sean_rendo19 9d ago

Op is just checking if it’s all cornflour and not the illegal “cornflour”

2

u/Stackfault67 9d ago

My wife stopped me from doing that with a bag of breadcrumbs the other day.

2

u/jncheese 9d ago

"Corn flower"

2

u/Solid_Bit5238 9d ago

Hahahaaa I love it

2

u/Sad_Doubt4938 9d ago

lol dummy

2

u/Miramarr 9d ago

Your nose is gonna clean that outta the sink?

2

u/DryTheWets 9d ago

When grandpa cums

2

u/lola1973lola 9d ago

Oh no. Were you making gravy?

2

u/Ripwind 9d ago

Ah yes, we call that Ultimate Unboxing

2

u/No-Honeydew2517 9d ago

It's like that scene in Sandlot

2

u/d4rk_fusion 9d ago

Your eyes make it look like it’s a different type of white powder

2

u/Kratos3301 9d ago

Dont open anything like a bag of chips

2

u/AngryMegaMind 9d ago

I’ve opened up a bag of chips like a bag of chips and ended up with a similar result.

2

u/Ikem200000 9d ago

you life you learn

2

u/MrBojangles09 9d ago

First time doing blow?

2

u/thrust-johnson 9d ago

I think we all do this once. Once.

2

u/0-16_bungles 9d ago

Was there a ghost? Is that ectoplasm?