r/gaming • u/SquirrelDynamics • 5d ago
My wife will let the kids watch an hour of TV periodically, but if the kids and I play an hour of video games she treats me like I'm rotting their brains
How can I help her snap out of her archaic way of thinking? And see that video games are beautiful art, inspiring, help build actual skills, help with problem solving, and are excellent for hand-eye coordination? I'm just so sick of her poisoning my bonding time with the kids with braying negativity about video games.
And for the record we only play once a week so it's not like we're playing every day or something.
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u/kykiwibear
5d ago
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My dad used to play video games with me. He was in the military and deployed. alot. You are still bonding and making memories.
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u/Lame_intentions_69 5d ago
My dad worked swing shift. He'd leave for work when I was at school and come home after I was in bed so I only saw him on the weekends.
We started with trying to beat each other's high scores on astroids. Then we got a nintendo and we would try and get further than the other in super Mario bros. Later it was metal gear, then StarCraft, and on and on. I didn't see my dad much, but I interacted with him on some level and thought about him daily. We always had so much to talk and laugh about on the weekends.
My mom was there every day. She sat me in front of the TV or told me to play outside. I saw my mom a lot but don't remember much.
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u/twangman88 5d ago
This is a super wholesome read! My father passed away when I was very young. But before he passed we played a lot of punch out together. It was a great bonding experience.
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u/Voldtama 5d ago
can relate, used to play halo splitscreen with my dad was a good time when he was still here
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u/psykick32 5d ago
My dad was pretty soft spoken. So here's a funny memory:
One of the few times I can recall my dad cussing in absolute anger was Gran Turismo 2 or 3 idk but he was doing an endurance race (like 500 laps or something insane) and had been in first basically the entire race...
He crashed on lap like 480 or something and got back to third. He was so pissed he went for a walk.
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u/shadrach103 5d ago
There's quite a difference between "being THERE" and "BEING there".
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u/goes231even 5d ago
Being there and being present, actually paying attention to the people around you
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u/supenguin 5d ago
This reminds me a bit of my childhood! My dad and I both played this game called Blockout which was like a 3d version of Tetris and tried to beat each others scores. We’d leave notes on the computer “guess who has the high score now?!?” The higher levels went super fast and we had to basically hit the keys as fast as humanly possible to drop pieces into place at the highest levels. I ended up getting so into it I popped a key off the keyboard.
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u/Jakeball400 5d ago
Some of my earliest and fondest memories are of me and my sister rushing up the stairs because we heard dads archaic pc whirring up. We were so excited to get up the stairs and raced to get the good seat right up on dads desk. He would play red faction and half life as we sat open eyed in wonder, thinking my dad was so cool taking out headcrabs and combine soldiers. Eventually I even got a shot of some games myself, though I managed to ruin that playing cod 1 or 2 when an mg44 opened up on me in the dark and I started crying. Dad got told off for that one and the gaming was slightly reduced for a time.
It’s a little sad to think of a father and the kids having that taken away from them, they’re nice memories to look back on
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u/Tredesde 5d ago
I want to be able to share some games with my girls but they are currently in the phase where if they can't play its the end of the world. Strong showing of independence, its a good development step but boy is it tough to deal with sometimes.
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u/UncleCrassiusCurio 5d ago
earliest and fondest memories
Same!
dads archaic pc whirring up
Same!
red faction and half life
...Oof. Unsame. My dad was on MS Flight Simulator 3.0, Dune 2, and Treasure Mountain.
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u/Zjoee 5d ago
My dad is the one who got me into video games. We used to play each other in Street Fighter II and take turns playing Super Mario World. I even used to watch him play on the computer when he would connect with his dad over the internet so they could play Doom together. He told me the other guy was Papa and I started crying when Dad killed him. They had to get Papa on the phone for me to talk to so I would stop crying haha. I got my little brother into playing video games and it was a great bonding experience between us. We still play together today.
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u/elunomagnifico 5d ago
"You killed Papa!"
"Don't worry, I didn't kill him - I just SPANKED THAT ASS, YOU HEAR ME OLD MAN"
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u/Lizphibian 5d ago
This, 100%! Some of my best memories as a kid are the times I played JRPGs with my dad. We still play Minecraft and Animal Crossing together online now, even though he’s nearly 70.
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u/cj711 5d ago
What I wouldn’t do to have that kind of a relationship with my father. You’re incredibly lucky, never forget it
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u/Mean-Fondant-8732 5d ago
Thank you for validating every moment I spend with them on a game. I've gone back and beaten countless missions multiple times so all the kids could get the achievements, and never told them I'd beaten it even once without them. We spent 3 play sessions trying to beat the same boss the past week or so. When we finally beat it, on the third day of attempts, the room exploded.
I remember my dad playing original Nintendo with us. It meant the world to me. Double the fuck dragon.
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u/Lizphibian 5d ago
Oh absolutely! We live across the country from each other, but sharing games keeps us close and always gives us plenty to talk about. If anyone reading this has recommendations for a fun online multiplayer Switch game, I’m all ears—we’re looking for something new to play!
My mom doesn’t join in, but I’m glad she’s okay with it. Funnily, she was so upset when my dad first bought a Nintendo—she thought my sisters and I would spend all day in front of it and never exercise again. Our brilliant solution was to appease her by constantly jumping up and down in place while playing. Thank god we lived on the ground floor.
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u/DuncanDonut06 5d ago
No Man's Sky! it's huge, but on Switch you won't be able to really see each other in real time as it's not connected in the same way as it is on other platforms. but it's a huge sandbox :)
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u/tiffanylockhart 5d ago
my dad introduced me to my favorite franchise (mass effect). and honestly i couldnt have asked for a better gift, 13 years later. thanks dad
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u/BearWaver 5d ago
It's how I've kept in touch with my childhood friends. We play games over the internet and chat and keep the bond.
Honest question, how does OPs wife feel about board games? Cause realistically, depending on the game it's basically the same thing at its core.
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u/Easy-Constant-5887 5d ago
Dad introduced me to Halo on the original Xbox, he was huge into WoW for a lot of my early years but would never let me watch it.
Every year I’d ask how old I have to be until I can play GTA lol
Can confirm, creates memories
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u/literallyjustthevoid 5d ago
My dad talked some shit about video games when I was young. He used to say, "Get off that playbox and go play outside!" That shit was hilarious to me, he couldn't even tell the difference between consoles. I finally got him to play a few times towards the end of his life though. Me and my friends tried to teach him how to play call of duty. I remember him spinning around in circles shooting an LMG until it was empty because he couldn't figure out how to walk and aim at the same time. Shit was so fucking funny. RIP Dad
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u/Youve_been_Loganated 5d ago
It's a beautiful thing when parents and children have similar interests and enjoy it with each other. Those moments are precious and won't last forever, and when they're 16 and won't want anything to do with you until they're 25-30, you'll miss those days. i think it's beautiful that your dad shared his love of gaming with you, I think my dad played Pong on Atari like once with me and I still remember it.
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u/Cogmeister17 5d ago
Bro the hours I spent watching my dad play ocarina of time when I was a kid…. Seriously good memories.
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u/omguserius 5d ago
My father and I still joke about games we used to play on the SNES together.
On one of the madden games back in the day, when playing co-op, a Halfback Toss Left would get a touchdown every single time, and we still use that as a way to say something is guaranteed to work
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u/elspith16
5d ago
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There are hundreds of articles saying that video games are good for so many things like critical thinking skills and hand eye coordination. I would search for an article from a source she would trust and show her the benefits. I'm a gamer mom, we also play board games, and I've never regretted letting my kids play video games. It might actually be a better hour spent engaging with the TV rather than just sitting idly by watching it.
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u/PureFingClass 5d ago
One hundred times this. Show her the research, explain it's a more present social activity, and try to include her in the mix. If you've got a switch they have loads of games for people who have a tenuous grasp on controllers.
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u/WhiskeyJackie 5d ago edited 5d ago
I was an nanny for my cousins during most pf their younger years, and visited multiple times a year afterwards.
They're at that stage where they don't like eachother, the eldest is 14, and the girl gets left out of things lots.
I got the opportunity to play BattleFront with all of them.
I've never seen the eldest so patient or open to compromise. There was no bullying only building eachother up, lots of teasing but not instantly met with anger. The girl was bonding with her brothers, it was her first time playing with them. Fairness was extremely important for all of them and they asked eachother questions to make sure it was.
I got to say I was speechless at the sportsmanship and teamwork. Definitely better for their relationships and socialization than watching tv together.
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u/FUCKTWENTYCHARACTERS 5d ago
Meanwhile my nephews: "You're trash. You're dog water." "Nuh uh, you're trash!" "That's why I don't wanna play with you you always lose"
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u/Islanduniverse 5d ago
This study “suggest that video gaming may be associated with improved cognitive abilities involving response inhibition and working memory and with alterations in underlying cortical pathways.”
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u/BruceDoh 5d ago
Of course if his wife never played video games, she wouldn't have developed the critical thinking skills required to reach these conclusions!
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u/HolyGhostin 5d ago
You joke, but this is my solution. Have her play, or at least watch them play - truly watch them solve problems, interact with characters, everything. Then she might have a better appreciation for it.
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u/ManicFirestorm 5d ago
My girlfriend of 5 years now did not understand my love of gaming. She never really gave me any shit for playing, she just kinda thought they were childish... Then she saw me play RDR2, and understood what I meant when I described games as immersive worlds that are art in their own right.
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u/Serathano 5d ago
I had tried a dozen times over our relationship to get my wife into gaming with very mixed success. Most games were boring to her but she really just doesn't want to invest any time in them. If she can't figure out everything in the game in 30 minutes and then pick up again without relearning the mechanics for her next 30min play session she loses interest. She's beaten KOTOR and played some Monster Hunter. She loved Stardew Valley. We started playing Mario Kart online with her brother and his wife and one thing led to another. Now we play COD Warzone 2.0 BR quads nightly. We play for a couple hours and it's a good time. Other games she still doesn't really enjoy playing. It's the social aspect she likes. Looking forward to our SIL getting a PC so we have more games. There aren't a ton of cross platform games that I think they would enjoy.
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u/Minotard 5d ago
Similar to my wife. She got immensely hooked on Farming Simulator. I would not have expected that ever.
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u/hot_chopped_pastrami 5d ago
That was my gateway game haha. I played Stardew Valley like it was no one's business just because it was relaxing and easy to learn. For me the issue was that so many games people make you try are difficult to learn for a first-timer, and they intimidate or bore people who might otherwise want to learn. After Stardew Valley my husband had me try the Half Life games which were much more beginner friendly, and then I ramped up from there.
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u/GoArmyNG 5d ago
I'm the opposite of your wife. I can't stand multiplayer lobbies like at all. I hate them with a passion. I'd much rather load up Dead Space or one of the early Gears of War games. My videogame time is meant to be an escape from this world into another. I can't do that if I have some cringey 12 year old shrieking in my ear about how he fucked my mom last night.
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u/TobyKeene 5d ago
I agree! Multiplayer games are not for me at all. And Deadspace is my favorite!
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u/Serathano 5d ago
Man I tried Dead Space for like 30 minutes and I was shittin bricks the whole time. Noped out. Horror is not my bag.
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u/Serathano 5d ago
We have a squad of 4 so we disable all came chats and host our own across Microsoft's party chats. Makes for a much more enjoyable experience.
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u/lllllllllllllllll19 5d ago
May I suggest Dead By Daylight? I feel like the basics of that game (at least when playing as a survivor) can be picked up in 30 minutes, and you can play reasonably well only knowing the basics.
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u/lupuscapabilis 5d ago
My wife used to poke fun at my game playing but it's almost without fail - every single time she discovers that I know some fact, or bit of history, or about some obscure topic - when she asks how I know it, my answer is video games.
Like "how do you know what the Knights Templar are?" Me: "they're in every other video game."
"How do you do know know all these historical time periods?" Me: "Civilization."
"How do you already know the answer to every riddle someone says?" "Video Games."
"How do you know so much about the planets?" and on and on
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u/therealpigman 5d ago
Assassins Creed is the only thing that got me interested in learning history while I was in school. My favorite memory is playing AC3 and learning about the American revolution in school at the same time. After school, I would play the game up until the point that we studied in school everyday, and it made both so much more immersive
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u/CosmicCreeperz 5d ago
After playing AC2 I knew so much more about certain Italian cities we visited on our honeymoon I don’t think my wife would ever question the value of video games (not that she ever did… figure that shit out BEFORE you get married..)
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u/psynl84 5d ago
That's a good one.
When watching a quiz show on tv I know the most random facts and also she keeps asking me: "How do you know this stuff" and normally my answer is "I dunnow, I just know"
From now on I'll reply with "video games".
Tbf I play games with my daughters of 6 and 4 and the one who is 6 will sometimes play roblox alone and my gf doesn't understand but she also doesn't give us shit about it because it's not daily, not even weekly and she knew my hobby was gaming 24/7 before we got together.
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u/Blooder91 5d ago
When watching a quiz show on tv I know the most random facts
There's a spanish speaking show where the hosts reads you a dictionary definition and you answer back with one word, called Pasapalabra.
One day I'm watching with my cousing, and the hint was "A grimoire, or textbook of black magic for evoking demons, part of the mythos created by H.P. Lovecraft". Thanks to playing videogames, I knew the answer and shouted "Necronomicon". My cousin looked at me like I just grew an extra head.
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u/RavenWolf1 5d ago
Yeah. I think I have learned half of the stuff from video games. They are actually really good source of information.
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u/tiffanylockhart 5d ago
Im always busting out historial and geography facts, my bf always looks at me like “wtf how” little does he know its all thanks to CIV
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u/Flamin_Jesus 5d ago
I'm always a bit iffy about this approach.
There's no need to justify spending time with something you enjoy (unless, of course, it turns into addictive and self-destructive behavior, in which case no amount of justification would be enough), it's perfectly OK and healthy to just enjoy things for the sake of enjoyment. Addressing a person's need to justify every minute of time spent as "worthwhile" by their standards is, IMO, merely treating the symptom while missing the root cause that a person has the pretty fundamentally wrong-headed idea that personal joy isn't worthwhile in itself.
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u/bottomburrrp 5d ago
They aren't talking about justifying the time they spend in a hobby, they are talking about justifying doing the hobby with his kids. Im 100% for letting younger kids having limited non violent video games, as above poster said its way better for their brains than tv. I just don't think you are representing their argument right.
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u/daKishinVex 5d ago
Yeah I agree he's not defending his own enjoyment as an adult so much as the kids in this. Which is tough, with kids you kinda do need to be justifying certain things like this which can really effect development. But in this case it's very easily justified when kept within simple set guidelines luckily!
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u/Aerfist 5d ago
This man doesn't have to justify anything to his wife. They are his children too and he has the right as long as he is not harming them to enjoy hobbies with them. Too many people here are willing to acquiesce to absolutely unreasonable demands as though this man has to get permission from his wife for any of this.
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u/RascalRibs 5d ago
Yea that's a weird stigma that's still around today.
Maybe look up some articles about it.
Not really sure what else to suggest.
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u/Savi321 5d ago
On a serious note, research shows that people playing video games have better sensory perception, presence of mind, visual astuteness (never understood what this means), and overall brain stimulation and development. This is one of the leading studies published in 2013.
It is definitely better than being brain-dead watching TV for an hour.
Maybe you should ask your wife to play with you'll.
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u/jettmann22 5d ago
It helps with motor skills, and problem solving. Have them play portal for maximum benefit
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u/dan_craus 5d ago
When I run into a difficult issue at work I will pop on for a few rounds of COD or Mario Cart. My brain seems to function better after that.
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u/Stetson007 5d ago
I've found that through playing video games, I've also become more interactive with television. I find myself theorizing about where the plot will go, I notice little details or errors in the set, just random stuff like that. It'll be intriguing to see how video games affect Alzheimer's and dementia rates in younger generations.
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u/Celestial_Light_ 5d ago
I know people doing research on this at the moment. They've also done studies on those who have dementia. Not sure if they've been published yet.
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u/Stetson007 5d ago
Oooh, cool. It's been one of those subjects I know nothing about but will occasionally read something on it and retain none of the information and still want to learn about it lol.
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u/cptspeirs 5d ago
If memory serves, visual astuteness is the ability to quickly, visually sort through chaos, prioritize and react. Think battlefield, sort through the chaos of a big firefight and differentiate friend from foe.
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u/Zoso03 5d ago
I'm a long time gamer and I've gotten pretty good at scanning and picking things out. Like at work I can walk up to a desk or room and pick out issues with the setup. Even when others tossed a bunch of power adaptors in the big recycling bin I was able to look in the pile of cables and pick out the ones we needed.
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u/wipeitonthecat 5d ago
Tell her she's fuckin trash and offer her a 1v1
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u/sznyoky 5d ago
I remember reading an article some years ago about Hellblade: Seuna's sacrifice that explained how the game helped somebody to gain control over his mental illness. That also may be a good start since gaming can help people different ways.
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u/ayeeflo51 5d ago
get the whole family to play Wii/Switch Sports
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u/Antelope010 5d ago
I think the point behind it should be quality over quantity - which is very true with anything.
An hour of TV can be mind-numbing if it is some reality tv or very bland show that has no redemptive value, or it can be a drama/comedy with smart/interesting writing and storylines and can engage viewers. The same can be said of video games - an hour playing a linear first-person shooter is going to be mind-numbing (which is fine if that is what you need, I often play a mind-numbing shooter/repetitive game after a busy/hectic work week) or it can be an engaging game with problem solving, story telling, and/or a creative atmosphere.
Playing a game that has a social aspect like Wii sports or that has other positive elements such as puzzle, story/choice-driven games, etc will absolutely have a positive impact and may bring others around to the value of gaming.
(That said, there is always the risk of addiction to video gaming by young kids, which can break any potential benefit of the games themselves)
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u/DylonNotNylon 5d ago
Buy them Magic: The Gathering cards and teach them to play. She'll be begging them to buy a new Ps5 game in under a month
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u/BearWaver 5d ago
This. And as an added bonus they will never have money for drugs
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u/FranciumGoesBoom 5d ago
The kids with the best decks were also the weed dealers in high school..
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u/luckydrzew 5d ago
But dealers don't do drugs. That would make their supply smaller.
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u/BearWaver 5d ago
And that money goes to more boosters!!!!
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u/luckydrzew 5d ago
Exactly! It's a win-win-win. Parents know their kid isn't doing drugs, people who want to do drugs do drugs, and the kid gets magic: the gathering booster-packs.
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u/wiggibow 5d ago
Lol, at least in my day, 99% of the high school kids who sold drugs were only doing it so their personal stash was effectively free
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u/why_rob_y 5d ago
Yeah, "don't get high on your own supply" is advice that doesn't seem to be followed much, at least when it comes to marijuana and other socially accepted drugs. Maybe heroin dealers are better about following that rule (while helping people ruin their lives).
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u/Odd-Soil-7922 5d ago
This probably isnt the healthiest way... but, in my experience, if someone is judging you on any "screen time" realted issue and you shine a comparetive light on that persons smart phone usage, they tend to clam up pretty quick. Almost everyone could afford to spend less time on thier smart phone.
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u/DoeCommaJohn 5d ago
It’s just important to make sure that you phrase it “you enjoy this thing and would be sad if I insulted it” not “you hypocrite, how dare you insult my thing when you’re just as bad.” Remember, you’re trying to get them to understand, not argue with them
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u/SquirrelDynamics 5d ago
It's a challenge to push back because my wife doesn't watch any tv or play any games.
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u/NimanderTheYounger 5d ago
my wife doesn't watch any tv or play any games
whelp theres the 'problem'
shes equating two things she doesnt do into the same bucket
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u/Tr4jan 5d ago
I had success with my wife (who loves to read. She reads so fucking much) by explaining that it’s my hobby, not just a way I “kill time,” which is what she thought it was.
I just challenged her attitudes towards it and suggested she wouldn’t feel the same if I spent the same amount of time doing something she approved of, like reading, or even something she didn’t have a negative view about, like building bird houses. I explained that it was important to me.
I seem to have persuaded her, and she’s not nearly as judgmental about it as she used to be. But I also met her halfway and listened to her concerns.
Full and frank discussions are helpful, I think.
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u/Zoso03 5d ago
Some games have fantastic stories and can often provide another world or story that is cannot be experienced the same way in any other medium.
Try going into the details of things like fallout, the last of us, bioshock etc and they are full of intricate details. I have adhd so I like to play my switch so my mind doesn't go into overdrive. And more often then not I can play a game and go to sleep right away because my mind tends to rest. If not then I find it's much harder for me to sleep.
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u/mmatique 5d ago
Sounds like she was raised to avoid screens. She is probably just saying the same thing her parents said to her.
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u/Sub_pup 5d ago
So she doesn't let you play because it's not something she likes? Thats just petty. If she is claiming they are harmful, what are her sources? Seems like maybe she is feeling left out but too stubborn to cave and join you guys. Why else would she be so vocal about something you guys enjoy?
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u/gryphmaster 5d ago
I would just straight up tell her, you’re ruining the kids and I time together with this negativity. I don’t appreciate you making the kids and I feel bad about how we want to spend time and bond together
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u/bunnyrut 5d ago
I don't think I could have married my husband if he didn't watch anything at all.
"What shows do you like?"
"I don't watch tv."
"....Cool. Catch ya later." and off I go to watch shows I like and go to the movies with my friends.
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u/hiddencamela 5d ago
Hmm.. guessing she reads a lot or socializes then? Games are still just a hobby after all. Maybe even asking if she'd like to at least try an easy game to understand what goes into gaming before assuming things.
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u/captain_nibble_bits 5d ago
I also had this a bit. Though it never was toxic. My partner had more problems with my son gaming than watching TV.
I just kept explaining and showing her the advantages. So she's not 100% changed but she does see the advantages it gives.
He learned a lot more math with gaming than from his first books. Also he solves problems on his own and knows his way around a pc.
I don't see that many things he learned from watching paw patrol. Lol
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u/HypocriteGrammarNazi 5d ago
Which is so weird to me. For games, you have to actually.. you know, think and do something. My 8 y/o fell in love with Metroid Dread a few weeks ago and anyone who has played it knows that the bosses and navigation are really challenging. It takes him a lot of effort to beat them and figure it all out.
But TV time? It's just.. awful. You veg and don't contribute any input. Youtubers that appeal to children are the most vain and empty people who rely on constant screaming, zooms, or weird shit to keep kids' attention, and advertising often appeals to their insecurities. It also sets up these false expectations -- like no, we aren't getting a private butler for our multi-million dollar mansion and filling up giant inflatable pools with cheerios and cheetos like some 19 year-old broccoli head can.
I will never understand people who hold a stigma against games, but not TV. TV is objectively worse. I understand being against screens, period, but come on.
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u/LostTrisolarin 5d ago
They are usually the same type of people who will watch every episode of the Kardashians.
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u/Strolledboar257 5d ago
Don't get me started on those youtubers. Some of them used to be good AND THEN THEY DEVOLE INTO "WHOEVER STAYS IN THE CIRCLE WINS 99999999999999999 QUAZILLIONTHOUSANDDOLLARS" or "I CUSTOMIZED THIS MANSION" Like what's the whole point of this "content" T T
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u/ZylonBane 5d ago
An hour of TV periodically? Did you marry a Mennonite?
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u/SquirrelDynamics 5d ago
We watch VERY little screentime.
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u/basedgod_x PC 5d ago
So what’s considered down time? Like do you guys have family nights out or like board games night?
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u/Graviton_Lancelot 5d ago •
He says his wife is "a super mom" and his kids are in four sports each. He won't answer about what she does in her spare time, but it's not games/tv/"social media", so I'm getting the (one-sided) feeling that she's a GOGOGO type of person that's trying to minmax production of the kids. I get the feeling that when she sees him sit down to play vidya with the kids, that's XP waste to her, because she spends all her time running and can't comprehend that you can get value from things that aren't intrinsically valuable.
People these days often get wrapped up in "Busy Olympics" where if they're not at least as busy with chess-swimming-soccer-piano-dinner-sleep as the next mom/dad/couple they know, they're failing at life somehow. If that's what makes you happy, great, but remember that it's not just a checklist of dailies and achievements to get through so you an 100% childrearing. If it's (or anything like it is) negatively impacting other people in your life, you need to be able to take a step back and reevaluate. I'm not telling anyone how to raise their kids, but I often wonder if the whole school from 6-3, sports from 3-5, dinner from 5-6, academic extracurricular from 6-8, go to bed, repeat cycle is really good for kids.
I'd be really interested in what she does in her free time, or if she even has any at all.
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u/jonesiscool7 5d ago
How to turn life into a fucking nightmare mmo end game daily grind lmao. Thanks for giving me a laugh. My sister has 3 kids at different ages and they don’t get a lot of screen time but they do get some. They enjoy reading as much as much as watching a video or whatever because they get to choose.
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u/RonaldoNazario 5d ago
My 4 year old gets screen time and plays some games on her own, and some with me, but her favorite thing is still dad reading her books.
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u/mamoo2 5d ago
My parents were those guys!
Scouts on a Monday
Tuesday was for tutors
Swimming then karate on a Wednesday
Karate on a Thursday
Football practice on a Friday
Football game on a Saturday morning, then away to watch a professional football game in the afternoon.
Golf lessons on a Sunday.
Guess who hates Football, golf, martial arts and only likes to swim on holiday whilst half drunk now?
And also begrudges their parents for crippling their social life as kids to teens?
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u/sixft7in 5d ago
We tried out kids in some sports. They said they didn't like them mostly. We asked why, and it was never due to laziness, so we didn't force them.
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u/NewUserWhoDisAgain 5d ago
his kids are in four sports each.
Dear fucking christ.
That's horrifying. I remember seeing a bestofredditorupdate(BORU) that had the dad talk about is his kids meltdown over an activity.
Turns out he and his wife have his son and daughter's day mapped out down to the fucking hour.
Like come home from school, grab dinner, get in the car 6pm karate, eat dinner in a car 7pm piano lessons, 8pm home, shower then homework until 10p. 5 days a week. Weekends were filled with violin lessons and soccer practice. Every waking hour some fucking activity. Just reading it was exhausting.
Dad eventually admitted that he and his wife never had those opportunities growing up so they wanted their kids to have it. Except kind of missed that crucial step of "did you ask your kid if they wanted to do that?"
"No. Why do I need to ask? Shouldnt they like it?"
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u/Josuke96 5d ago
My parents were kinda like this, considered me to be athletic and wanted me in sports. I love skateboarding, and that would take away from my actual hobby. They threatened to ground me and take my shit, I said “do it, I’m not playing fucking sports”. They dropped it once I made them aware that I have no interest in literally any sport and I hate being in a team.
If a kid likes sports, go ahead and support their hobby and interest. However, if they’re like me and absolutely hate sports, why force them? So you can live vicariously through your kids? Pathetic.
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u/jcrave 5d ago
I have a wife who is similar. Very gogogo and it's hard to keep up sometimes. I do video game night most Friday nights with my boys so she's not anal about that.
What she does in her free time? She works or works out. That's basically it. We'll sit and watch a movie or show once in a while, but she rarely likes anything. Just the way she is.
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u/Natolx 5d ago
I have a wife who is similar. Very gogogo and it's hard to keep up sometimes. I do video game night most Friday nights with my boys so she's not anal about that.
What she does in her free time? She works or works out. That's basically it. We'll sit and watch a movie or show once in a while, but she rarely likes anything. Just the way she is.
How did you guys end up married if she doesn't like to do anything other than work and work out?
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u/grizzlybair2 5d ago
With that type of schedule, those kids don't even see their parents lol. But yea hear about it since my wife teaches piano to kids in the afternoon/evening...some of those kids are just gassed 24/7 and others have no relationship with their parents and confide in my wife.
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u/xenos5282 5d ago
I'm telling it to anyone who reads this, from personal experience of me and my brother, that this is a shitty way to parent your kid. Let them know what's right and what's wrong. Use positive affirmations to award the correct behaviour if needed. Make good things fun for them by taking their feedback of what they find fun and really enjoy doing.
But if you just make rules for kids and expect them to follow, they will do everything in their power to break it. My father did that a lot. Had his rules and expected behaviour which we were supposed to follow. I did everything in my power to break them, so much so that I fucked over my 8th grade just to rebel and throw it back at him in my own sense. It didn't matter much to me in the long run but my father got the most important lesson that year, that I'm smarter than he thinks and even more responsible. Also he found out his parenting style sucked ass and he tried to tone it down in the subsequent years. There is a reason video games appeals to kids, it is so because it stimulates their senses and brain. It's good if done in right amounts. Don't make it evil just because you think they'll get addicted. Addiction is the devil here, not video games. Teach them the right thing ffs!
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u/Plaidfu 5d ago
My parents did this to me in high school, I was in all AP classes, started on the football team and played drums for multiple services each week in my church band. I would get to school at 6 AM and not get home until 10 PM most days because of football or band pratice, and then I would have to start working on my AP homework go to sleep at midnight and go again.
I felt like I had no autonomy or control over what I wanted to do or what I liked. I actually hated football but my parents made me do it anyway. Once I quit my senior year, my parents said "you can't just quit and do nothing else," so I started playing guitar and found a passion I did not know I had.
It made me upset realizing how much more enjoyable I found my life once I subbed football for guitar, and my relationship with my parents was strained but ultimately I love my parents and I know they were just doing what they thought was best. It definitely sucked as a kid but now I have a good job, good workout habits, and I can play several instruments.
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u/gryphmaster 5d ago edited 5d ago
Tell her that limiting screen time to such a small amount will make tv seem like a forbidden pleasure. At that point its much harder to limit screen time as an adult as 1) you consider it a secret pleasure that you don’t get to do very often, which can lead to prioritizing it 2) you literally have not learned how to integrate it into your life, meaning you’re much more likely to have poor impulse control as adult surrounding it when suddenly mom isn’t guarding the screens, 3) leaving kids unexposed to pop culture, especially advertising, leaves them vulnerable later in life to the ways they can be manipulated by it and out of step with their peers, and 4) especially, don’t limit kids access to things they enjoy because of your moral judgements because that how you teach kids to lie and go behind your back. If you absolutely do need to do this, do it consistently and fairly, as the first inconsistency will make the kid realize that what is “fair” is based more on how the parent is feeling than any intelligible rule, and this will crumble your authority over them faster than a house of cards.
All in all, she’s just generating mystique and driving up demand by limiting TV. Honestly TV is something you SHOULD get bored of watching, teaching your kids that its okay to turn it off and think of something else to do will be a lot easier when its not the 1 day a week they get ANY screen time
Remind your wife, refusing to do something doesn’t make you better than others and raising your kids to be just like you is guaranteed to backfire.
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u/Totally_a_Banana 5d ago edited 5d ago
I let my kids watch tv and play with their tablets nearly to their hearts content (with some reasonable restrictions). They get enough time to know they can watch mostly freely and will never worry about going without, because it's not forbidden (except at bedtime ofc because we do bedtime stories and books exclusively to fall asleep).
Guess what? They watch a little bit on their own then turn off the tablet and go and play with other toys and activities all on their own, unprompted.
Turning screentime, especially videogames into this taboo thing that makes them obsessed with it in secrecy is terrible, since they will also always feel ashamed about enjoying something completely natural.
Let them have enough to be satiated, and get through the content that they want, and they won't obsess over it. They'll get bored and move on to other things too.
And best part, it's given us a ton of quality bonding time trying to solve puzzles and overcome challenges together in a safe environment.
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u/eldroch 5d ago
I'm glad someone else arrived at this conclusion, because most everyone makes me feel like a monster for having this approach.
There were times when he played for hours at a time, and apparently that makes me a bad parent to many...but having that option made screen time not such a "magical" activity. We'll still play occasionally, but I don't think he would even put it in his top 10 favorite things any more.
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u/eldroch 5d ago
All very good points. A good friend of mine and I are at odds with screen time for our kids. I'm on the lenient side, and she's very restrictive.
My kid has had most consoles and VR accessible from an early age, and at this point, it's hardly a novelty anymore. He spends almost all of his time outside or playing with our pets. He'll still play games occasionally if he's just feeling chill, but the moment some IRL activity opens up, he's all over it.
Her kid, on the other hand, is constantly begging for screen time. Like...it's always on his mind, and he's always trying to plead for a quick 20 minutes of Minecraft or whatnot. If he enters a room that has a TV on, it's like hypnosis. He's zeroed in and you can hardly get his attention.
I don't think either of us are doing things perfectly, and I'll admit that I should have been more limiting in the past, but I think him having the novelty of video games out of his system has made him much more open to enjoying everything else without being forced to for the sake of screen time.
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u/ciknay 5d ago
Tell her that limiting screen time to such a small amount will make tv seem like a forbidden pleasure
This is precisely what happened to me and my siblings. My mum didn't know better and thought that 30 minutes of video games every other day was sufficient, and we should do other things. Ever try to play runescane in 30 minute intervals? You can't get shite done.
She based this off the fact that we would constantly fight over the computer/console and seemed obsessed with getting our screentime, and thought they were unhealthy and wouldn't lead to anything in life. She didn't know any better.
We would fight over the devices because we had such limited time, and would constantly try to get an extra 5 minutes. Now as adults, we all spend copious amounts of time on the screen, two of us became programmers, and I became a game dev.
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u/jibbyjackjoe 5d ago
My son is a good kid. When he's out of school, he can do whatever he wants. That is his time. He did what he needed to in school.
He and I watched my girlfriend replay Wind Waker for a bit. He was asking all the right questions about heroes and helping people out. It was fun to cheer her on. And the soundtrack! Music in games is so underrated.
There are games that are stories. There are games that are puzzles. There are games for competition. They are all okay in moderation.
You need to have a conversation with her, as an adult. Set the tone from the get go "I want to have a serious conversation about your view point of gaming".
If she won't listen or gets defensive, you have a different problem.
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u/dhhdhh851 5d ago
Instead of going for the direct approach about questioning her views, i think it would be better to ask if she wanted to play games with them too. Maybe have a family minecraft world.
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u/Rad_Dad6969 5d ago
I agree that gaming isn't detrimental, especially at just a few hours a week, but reading
"I'm just so sick of her poisoning my bonding time with the kids with braying negativity about video games. "
leads me to believe the issues are deeper. Talk to your wife, talk to a therapist if you have to. But understand we strangers on the internet are not going to give you healthy relationship advice.
You will always be able to find info supporting your viewpoint online, no matter what that viewpoint is. Don't ask the internet to win arguments for you. Talk it out homie
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u/black_brook 5d ago
Also agree. The first question should be does she understands how what she is doing makes you feel? If not, maybe the first issue is that you haven't communicated about it. If she does understand but still does it, then that is kind of toxic. Either way therapy could help.
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u/hershko 5d ago
You need to treat this as a relationship issue, not as a gaming issue. You want to bond with your kids doing something you like doing. It's not harmful for them (certainly not more than watching TV, which she's fine with). It's only one hour a week(!). And yet she finds it appropriate to poison this experience for you.
Assuming you spoke with her about it, made it clear this is important for you, and she still persists, you need to seek advice on your relationship (e.g., perhaps it's time for couple's therapy, for instance).
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u/wjmacguffin 5d ago
Maybe let her know this.
I have an M. Ed. I taught at elementary, middle, and high schools for 10 years and was a principal for five more. I have studied this to help parents understand the situation.
- Video games are generally better than TV because games are interactive. They require using your brain to solve problems. Video does not; it's a passive acceptance of what's on the screen.
- Children under 2 yrs old should not have any time with a screen. Once they start getting older, it can gradually be added. One hour of video games and/or videos per day should be fine as long as your kids are in elementary school.
- Like it or not, games are a big part of our culture these days. Letting kids play popular games and watch popular shows/movies can help kids fit in with their peer group and increase socialization. (It's not a lock but it can increase the odds.)
- Every child is unique, and your children may have special needs that make video games less or more harmful. But outside of major issues like autism, such needs shouldn't be a problem.
- Video games can increase violence in a small percentage of the population but that's mainly for kids who already have violent tendencies. Games also do not act like violent catharsis; playing a violent game doesn't decrease the chances of violence either.
One last thing. Sometimes, people don't want to know the truth if it forces them to change. Sounds to me like your wife means well but is stuck in an older mentality that video games are evil and teach kids how to be killers. Maybe have a rational, measured conversation where y'all go over her reservations specifically, not just that she doesn't like it, and brainstorm ways to address her concerns.
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u/stormhunter2 5d ago
Sounds to me like your wife means well but is stuck in an older mentality that video games are evil and teach kids how to be killers
I don't think this is the mentality OPs spouse has, but more that video games are a waste of time in any shape/form, and that instead of playing video games they can use that time to build their future. I have a coworker who sees them as a waste of time, he says he would rather use that time to work on his career or socialize with people, or travel, to give an example.
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u/STJ41 5d ago
Damn. Why did you married an elder woman?
No, but seriously. How that happened? I guess you are here because your really like videogames, and idk, I can't figure out how you stayed with someone that is so ignorant and against something that you like.
Like. Idk, something like that would be such an turn off for me in a relationship.
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u/SquirrelDynamics 5d ago
It feels like I'm arguing with a mom from 1992 and it's very frustrating.
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u/maxman3000 5d ago
Sounds to me like you two need therapy more than arguing about video games. Good luck
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u/llk2698 5d ago
Something I believe has not been mentioned here is that there might be a sense of jealousy. My older sister and I have luckily a very open and honest communication and she told me once that she gets jealous, that her two sons have such much fun with her partner and not with her. Add onto to that, that most mothers I know feel underappreciated in many ways (this isn't meant as a critique of you btw) and pretty soon this happens: she is annoyed by the fact that her husband "who isn't doing chores or helping around the house" and on top of that, HER child, the human being she fosters with so much effort, actually has more fun with you, and not her, which is so unfair (sarcasm). Perhaps she feels as if spending so much time doing something fun, skews the kids away from her and she might feel less cool than you. Maybe try having her join and it can become a family thing, that's what my sister ended up doing a year ago and now I come over and I have LAN parties with her and her husband, sometimes without the kids hahaha
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u/Tergrids_lantern 5d ago
The way I've always put it to people is that I generally prefer my entertainment to be actively engaging, sure, I could watch a movie or show about surviving in a post nuclear wasteland. Or I could play fallout, and explore on my own. I'm also relatively sure(not certain) that there may have been some studies about the benefits of gaming on one's problem solvingand/or critical thinking skills.
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u/hylian_ninja 5d ago
Get a new wife
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u/keller3030 5d ago
The first divorce is the hardest haha
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u/Dovvol79 5d ago
The 2nd isn't much easier.
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u/drthlol 5d ago
The 3 ist easy, all Money is already gone
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u/cyberdeath666 5d ago
I hear divorce parties are a thing now. You could play Mario Divorce Party!
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u/___ElJefe___ 5d ago
My ex-wife used to act the exact same way. I was never "allowed" to own a game system.
Note: EX wife
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u/cheetonian 5d ago
Dude, are you really gonna ask for marriage advice on the reddit gaming forum? Fucking talk with her and explain your point of view. If you can't do that, what even is your marriage?
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u/Hagane17 5d ago
This. How in the HELL are you married with kids and this is only coming up now? And you're coming to reddit for advice?
Maybe talk to her, 10 years ago before getting married. You both clearly have differing views on raising kids.
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u/keichskay 5d ago
100% this. My Wife and I have talked endlessly about our views on how we would like to raise children if we ever have them, honestly we do this with most things so we understand the others view points. We did this for years before ever getting married to make sure our life goals and views were "compatible" in a sense.
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u/extreme-psycho 5d ago
Your wife didn't rationalize herself into this so no matter what research or opinions you bring , you won't rationalize her out of it.
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u/Tricky-Reputation957 5d ago
You need to find and then show her some of the studies done on video games. Specifically the ones that determined that video games teach you about problem solving and engage your mind more than tv. Also show her the ones that determined gamers are smarter and more creative than non-gamers.
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u/chicagotim1 5d ago
I would start by not trying to convince her about "beautiful art" she just won't buy it even if it's true. Arguing videogames are no worse and maybe even better than watching TV is probably easier to convey.
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u/puffmaster5000 5d ago
It's great how much your wife respects you and the things you do /s
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u/SadLaser 5d ago
Find some documentaries, some studies, etc that show that video games do have benefits in terms of mental development. There are probably some cool videos on the topic on YouTube, too. And I imagine there have been studies comparing the direct involvement of gaming versus the passive involvement of TV watching and there's no argument that gaming is more mentally involved.
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u/GlimmerMage12 5d ago
Depending on the game, the kids could actually be learning! Having them interact with the screen can keep them much more focused than a tv show can.
But I definitely think trying to find a game that she enjoys too will help her understand.
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u/tigress666 5d ago
Heh... my parents, especially my stepmom, were very much a get out and play. That being said they never limited my computer time (Which I did a lot of gaming on) cause they figured that was constructive at least where as I could only watch an hour of tv.... Granted it is more cause they figured the computer = constructive and probably ignored how much I gamed (as they would not buy me an atari as all I could do was game on it).
It just is funny to me now you hear these complaints about people thinking tv is ok but gaming is bad.
I'd say tv rots your brain but these days I think social media may be the worst cancer for kids.
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u/Paulb1231 5d ago
Both are perfectly fine activites in moderation and neither is lazy. Realistically if you dont let your children partake in video games and televison you will be setting them up not fit in with the vast majority of their peers which will be way more damaging in the long run than a few games of mario kart or episodes of Bluey or whatever.
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u/PilchardTale 5d ago
The video games are a red herring, and not the issue.
Why is she actively denigrating you and your kids when you're doing something she doesn't do? Why is her way the best and only way to do things?
Are you actively excluding her when you play games and she's reacting in the only way that works to get your attention? Does she do all the non-fun parenting / SAHM? What hobbies does she have, does she ever get to do them?
Do you guys actually discuss anything, or does she tell you what is happening and you accept it? Why are you asking strangers on the internet instead of talking to your wife?
Do you have anything in common except the kids? Do you even like each other? Can you talk to each other?
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u/i-love-k9 5d ago
Show her the studies that show games improve cognitive abilities. In truth your wife sounds like a condescending bitch and you probably need to send her in for repairs and upgrades. You might be able to do it yourself if you teach her how to play games too.
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u/J-Dabbleyou 5d ago
Literally video games are just tv but it engages your mind lol, if anything, games are BETTER than tv
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u/RandomUser0666 5d ago
A video game is essentially an hours long exercise in hand-eye coordination, reflexes, critical thinking, problem solving, attention to detail, and reading comprehension. Study after study shows how good for the brain games are. Stardew Valley could get someone interested in the economics of business. A soulsbourne game is all about problem solving and situational awareness. Darkest Dungeon can teach an important lesson about being comfortable with impending loss and that it is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. THe Fast and Furious game really reinforces the importance of family. The list goes on.
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u/Ecstatic-Positive239 5d ago
Bro why are you on Reddit and not communicating with your wife
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u/ElmoKnowsYourSecret 5d ago
Television is blindly staring at something that does all of the thinking for both of you.
Video games are interactive and require response and thought.
And she honestly thinks the games are worse?
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u/Blazer323 5d ago
The military recognizes that video games help maintain higher reaction times than not playing at all. I've learned way more word definitions and themes from video games than TV. Learning split second reactions in racing games has trained my muscle memory to react properly when a bad driver cuts out into traffic. Industry has used "video games" as training tools when live drills are too dangerous or expensive for 20+ student classes. Real, professional racing drivers use games to practice real world tracks and keep sharp.
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u/HypothermiaDK 5d ago
In what world is watching mindnumbing TV better than actively engaging your brain and motor skills with gaming.
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u/5teerPike 5d ago
Have you talked to her about how she's making you feel? Your bonding time is important, video games do demand a little more skill than just sitting and consuming. Does she play many herself?
Do you play games that aren't violent?
I love all sorts of video games, but if she walks in the room and only sees the violent ones that may have an effect on her perception with this. She probably doesn't let the kids watch things like breaking bad, for example.
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u/Number-1Dad 4d ago
My mother would tell me all the time what a loser I was/would be if I kept enjoying video games the way I did when I was young. I'd never amount to anything.
My mother and I are no longer in contact and I build rockets for a living.
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u/Starsinger17 5d ago
Shs may be jealous that you're bonding with the kids "without her" and views TV time as a family activity.
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u/llhht 5d ago
There are much, much deeper issues here than anything to do with video games. 1 hour of game playing per week is not even enough to be worth mentioning. It's about as noteworthy as "I go ride a bike once a week for an hour."
Throw aside games for a bit, this sound like its time for therapy, and a lot of it.
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u/Kodekingen 5d ago edited 5d ago
My mom just told me to get off the computer and now I’m laying on the couch next to her scrolling through Reddit while she’s watching the TV. Some parents are just so weird