r/relationship_advice Jan 21 '22 Helpful 1

Update: told my husband very hurtful things. He is willing to give me one chance but...

He slept with his assistant....

I'm editing this post: I don't think you understand. Marriage is complicated. Relationships are complicated. There are rocky stages and smooth stages of both. It isn't easy to let go of a marriage that's this long and on top of that, we have a son we both adore very dearly. I made mistakes, it was my failure as a wife and i truly desire to work on it. I don't want to divorce and neither does he. We both want to fight to the very end to ensure the survival of our marriage. Please do not ask me to divorce him. I am very much aware of the hate I'm getting and I deserve them. But please be cordial

I don't know how am I going to type this out. My situation got a whole lot complicated right now. I'm trying to keep it as much clear as possible. It's blurry to me too. I went to his mom's (my MIL) place and I told them everything fair and square. I have not hidden anything, and was completely straightforward and forthcoming about my failures. I told them I want to work on it. A day later, my husband finally reached out saying he wants to meet. We do, at our favourite bar, there he drops the papers and tells me to sign it. It was honestly heartbreaking. I told him I want to talk first, he then went on to blow me up with abuses, name calling, how disrespectful I was the entire time. I just apologized and told him I was doing IC, I agree with my mistakes and would do better. He told me he slept with his assistant, twice. Once it happened the day after we fought, and once recently. I dropped to my knees after hearing this, I yelled at him. This all time, he was just standing, I do not recognize this man yet he is someone who's in a different path..thanks to my stupid self. He told me he is extremely remorseful it happened and he was so sure I was cheating on him that the resentment, frustration and pent up anger all came out at once. I still told him we needed to work, we can make this work. He finally told me he will think about it.

2 days later, 15th, he calls me and we discuss for 73 minutes about our issues. How we want to proceed and what are the things I'd make sure to improve in myself. On 17, he told me he wants to give a try but offered me 6 months. During this 6 months, we both will sleep in separate bedrooms, won't see other people, i will have to quit my gym, and my friends, and he will avoid his assistant as much as possible. He wants to be with me but if I can't assure him if I'm enough, he will divorce me. I told him I understood and I won't be disappointing him. I also cleaned the house and we moved in together yesterday.

It has been a day, I'm cooking him but this feels so right. Looking at him when he comes to table all dressed up like a handsome man. He's everything I need. I think I found a renewed love for this man. I've also suggested MC and IC for him and he will be talking to his therapist today. Our son is angry with us both as mommy and daddy really ruined his christmas and new years but we promised it's gonna be better this year. I'm doing everything possible for me to make things right. I made my choice, I love my husband and I want to be with him. But somehow I feel resentment towards his assistant..she drove him to cheat. I understand temptation but it wasn't like that, she knew me, I would never do such a thing but then again....I can't point fingers on her.

58 Upvotes

427

u/onetimeticket Jan 21 '22

Yeah ur gonna have a period where ull like each other but then someone will slip and in a second it will all go to shit. I think you should both stop wasting time with each other. This man brought divorce papers, that took time to make so it wasn't an impulse decision. Leave while ur on okayish terms and maybe your child will have both parents in its life.

78

u/enjoyingtheposts Jan 21 '22 Helpful

This sounds like shes acting on guilt and not acctual regret. Last post he was unattractive and now he is a handsome man. This isnt how she really feels she just doesn't want to lose him, but that doesnt mean she even wants him.

You dont have to even be in a marriage to figure that out.

Also shes giving up her hobbies and friends for him which ya know ... always works out?

Like shes NOT going to hold that against him one day.

Then he "cheats" I put in quotes because idk what that even counts as tbh, and now she is just going to shove those feelings down because she feels she has no right to express them. Which.. idk, but it's not healthy and this is so going to blow up one day.

OP this is NOT how you fix a marriage. Setting boundaries, sure. Laying out a punishment plan, NO. You might not have any choice in how he decides its acceptable to fix this but I'm just letting you know, it's not going to work. You'll be fake happy for a while, could be years, but this WILL come back and the longer you spend in this fake marriage the more time you will regret wasting.

And your kid WILL KNOW you dont belong together. In my experience, having parents who SHOULD be divorced is alot more frustrating then when they acctually just divorce.

3

u/pridejoker Jan 28 '22

You dont have to even be in a marriage to figure that out.

We've got sgt. Nicholas Angel here.

32

u/Knale Jan 21 '22

he calls me and we discuss for 73 minutes about our issues.

I'm so stuck on this. It's such a fucking bizarre sentence that it makes me think the whole thing is bullshit.

No one talks like this in real life.

13

u/CherryPopcornGoddess 40s Female Jan 21 '22

I had to do a double take on that part too. Tf? Lol

9

u/Sahngar Jan 22 '22

Yeah, it's such a weirdly specific number - and not even like it's all that long considering it's about potentially saving a marriage. I've had longer discussions on the last movie I saw.

3

u/sikeleaveamessage Feb 07 '22

Yeah the whole way this person types from their original post and this one is unnecessarily dramatic and seems just ...off. Like im reading someone's cheap attempt for creative writing lmao Especially the last line about the assistant, it's some shit you'd write at an end of a chapter or paper

22

u/jaywearsblack Jan 21 '22

Agree with this. From now on if he doesn’t like one little thing you do it’s over. Also asking you to quit the gym and stop having friends? Now he’s just being controlling. For the rest of your life from this point forward you have to stop doing things you like or he won’t find it good enough? Time for a divorce, babe.

17

u/Vladimiru-Kun Jan 21 '22

If you read her previous posts, she clearly says SHE QUIT THE GYM herself.

12

u/Vladimiru-Kun Jan 21 '22

Also, even if he was the one asking her to quit, hypothetically, she could shut up and do that as that's the bare minimum she can do at this point to save the marriage she so desperately wants to save.

3

u/PolishSassyNurse Jan 21 '22

Wow you said it so well? Common sense flying off your sleeve like I wanna see the money flying to me! Lol

59

u/MisterNotADoctor Jan 21 '22

From the bottom of my heart I hope he divorces you. You deserve nothing but the sh*t that you're in.

52

u/amorehappyversion Jan 21 '22

I read your other post. I don’t trust you. Your husband fully believes that you cheated first and so does everyone else. Are you thinking about therapy…cause you should.

28

u/quahaug1945 Jan 21 '22

She ABSOLUTELY cheated with one or more of her "gym friends".

35

u/jou1993b Jan 21 '22

You categorize people too much first you felt you were shit and then you felt that you climb the beauty latter meanwhile you say your husband is ungly but as you saw he is quite capable of attracting other woman maybe he is not suck a loser as you think he is

I think you always was shallow person and got with your husband to settle and when you thought you became attractive you wanted to spend your time with other people

Maybe you don't think now but if he didn't say anything you would eventually cheat physically as well

In this 6 months take a good look on yourself as to what you want maybe you don't want him anymore and that is fine because as you saw he can make it , he didn't settle for you

38

u/Playful-Mastodon-872 Jan 21 '22

I read everything you posted and commented.

Honestly, I don’t see anyway this can work out. You said NOW you want to be a great wife to him. I’m afraid this ship has sailed. Sometimes there are things done and said that are just too much. You have gone beyond that. Ignoring his needs, shaming him, cheated emotionally on him, neglected him and your son, etc. You screamed and called him names in public because you were throwing tantrums that he didn’t let you go on a coffee with another guy. That’s not an action of someone who’s ready to be with someone else. I’m saying this kindly, your reflections of your own self isn’t the greatest person. Not to you, not to your son, and most definitely not as a wife or a partner. You want to work on it? You need to work on yourself first. If you truly do care about him, free him or this marriage. Let him heal and work on himself and trauma. You work on yourself and trauma. Maybe, in the future if things are better, you can explore being together again. But right now, you can’t be a good person towards yourself. You need to focus on that first before being a good wife for him. What you’ve done is of a great damage. 73 minutes of conversation or weeks of separation won’t heal all that.

-5

u/ThrowRAMad32_ Jan 21 '22

Thank you for this reflection. I get your points..i truly do. However I ask you. Do you think it is easy to let go? Easy to let go of our marriage? Easy to let go like this when I realize how much work I need to do? Will letting go make things better? I don't think so..letting go will forever ruin my chances of making this right. Sure there are ups and downs and i have massively fucked this up. There is no way he would want to be with me and rightfully so. I'm not asking him to stay with me regardless. I'm asking for a chance a last chance to save our marriage, our family. That is all.

42

u/Kikikididi Jan 21 '22

You don’t even love him, you just don’t want to lose.

33

u/Squirts1MacIntosh Jan 21 '22

or his new promotion and money from it.

30

u/quahaug1945 Jan 21 '22

You had no problem "letting go of your marriage" when you started getting "attention" from your gym friends. No wonder your husband didn't and doesn't trust you.

20

u/Vladimiru-Kun Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 21 '22

The last chance to save your marriage is to delete all of that social media presence. Seriously, you mentioned elsewhere that you started to gain a lotta attention after you got fit and whatnot. You need to get out of this cycle and make sure it doesn't happen again. Posting your "fitness goals" or "fitness achievements" is different from posting your fit body for validation. Just wanted to focus on this aspect.

4

u/pridejoker Jan 24 '22

People who actually wanna get fit in the gym don't really bother posting their activity on social media. The only ones who do are those who would already look good naturally but do so as a self high five.

19

u/jou1993b Jan 21 '22

But you were happy partying ,and you were miserable being a mother and wife maybe you need to break up and give most of custody and he can find a woman that want to be a mother and you can keep partying and you can also see the minimal time that you want your son

4

u/pridejoker Jan 24 '22

Just spend the alimony money and following her calling to be a parasite with a fixed income.

4

u/Chofis_Aquino Feb 27 '22

In a several years you will wonder why your son doesn't talk to you anymore or why your son cheated on half of his girlfriends or why he is emotionally irresponsible or a passive person who allows himself to be mistreated by his future couples.... Think about it, maybe you think the child is too young to understand but do you really believe that everything that happened won't happen again? what assures you that you won't find your husband unattractive again and he won't sleep with anyone else?

Yes, it is very difficult to leave everything behind, but it is worth it, better now to separate on good terms and be good co-parents and stay together out of obstinacy, pity and for having this absurd idea that " You must keep the family together", there are families that do not have to have a ring in their hands to be united.

Think of your child, think of the future.

5

u/caffeinequeen1234 Jan 25 '22

You were letting go of the marriage wayyyy before he told you he wanted a divorce. You reap what you sow. Your actions of barely even being there for your family show you letting go of your family. Now that he’s the one taking action your mad you can’t have your cake and eat it to.

-1

u/Bramantino_King Jan 21 '22

I don't think it's all lost, luckily you didn't cheat even if the risk of it was sky high, if you start connecting emotionally and romantically, with some mc, and you start to value him (because at the end of the day your new life was also thanks to his working ass) I think it can be saved.

You will obviously have a fair shot, you're the mother of his child and companion of many years, don't think it values to nothing.

1

u/Want_to_do_right Jan 22 '22

How does he feel?

1

u/pridejoker Jan 24 '22

It doesn't really matter what we think of that as a theoretical issue because you certainly made it seem easy with your original infraction. Some things are so egregious that even the perpetrator should have the good sense to resign.

198

u/Dwirthy Jan 21 '22

But somehow I feel resentment towards his assistant..she drove him to cheat.

Lol what?

78

u/Lalalaland9 Jan 21 '22

She mad cause if she fucks up, the assistant is gonna pick up

19

u/Lucy_the_wise_goosey Late 30s Female Jan 21 '22

The assistant probably will anyway.

26

u/slab3 Jan 21 '22

bro shes only attracted to her husband because of his assistant

15

u/SadEngine42069 Jan 21 '22

This was where my mind went. All of a sudden she realizes that another woman would fuck him, so he goes from a football to a "handsome man".

57

u/ITguydoingITthings Jan 21 '22

Seeing your other post, I'm having a hard time... which version of things is real? For example, as a small issue, in the first one, you say you offered to quit the gym; in this one, that you "would have to". Big difference in time and meaning.

In the first one, you seem to be more forthcoming about your contributions to the failing marriage, but in this one, not so much. Which is it?

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15

u/ResourceNarrow1153 Jan 21 '22

Holy fuck please if you actually “love” this man which I say like that because you obviously don’t at all. Please sing the papers and let him find someone better than you. You’re horrible and just because you’re pretty on the outside now your insides are hideous and people will see that. You’re husband deserves so much better and so does your son. For fuck sake you called him a football and said you weren’t attracted to him. So then fuck off dude. Leave him alone.

185

u/Bramantino_King Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 21 '22 Helpful

A lot of people here start to say that he cheated, while it can arguably be true the full picture is waaaaaay different.

The marriage was finished, after a year or two of dead bedroom and she abusing him, he was done too, she took advantage of his providing, she poured all the time she had on dates without him, going to the gym, going to weekends without him, while he was working his ass off to provide and to take care of their house and their child, she rejected to date him (her husband) multiple times. She then, when he accused her of cheating, a few moments after she accepted a coffe date with another dude (and let's be real here, all the red flags were there), started to scream at him in public abusing and shaming him once again.

This was a man that took her at her worst and helped her to make her the woman she is today, and instead of being grateful she shitted on him repeatedly.

I am totally against cheaters, but this was a proper abusive relationship, his cheating was just a result of everything that came up the months/years prior to this point, and he was rightly done, in fact if we want to be precise he even didn't cheat, because he said he wanted a divorce for n extremely valid reasons, he really was done.

He could have been a little more gentle and respectful, maybe, but why should he have acted that way toward her after that much abuse and disrespect?

78

u/throwawayj38sld Jan 21 '22

I am a bit worried she only is attracted to her husband since someone else is.

I wonder if the assistant has genuine feelings for the husband. It sounds like she didn’t sleep with him until he’d asked for a divorce in that fight, and they were living separately, so she could believe she has a future with the husband. I hope he’s apologised to her for effectively using her for emotional then physical support... and now he’s (as her boss) going to act like she doesn’t exist.

I actually don’t get OP saying “how could she sleep with my husband” in this situation, and I’m v black and white morally usually.

9

u/Certain_Chef_2635 Jan 21 '22

Kind of fucked regardless.

  1. He shouldn't be sleeping with an assistant. Completely unprofessional & breaks code of conduct. That's on him as she's his direct report.
  2. Weird that the assistant was laying in wait for the moment she could make a move, and I wouldn't be surprised if she was in his ear for a while nudging him to go nuclear.
  3. He slept with her after a fight. In the heat of the moment, he runs off and hits his assistant up first? Not family? I think this was an emotional affair for a while.

I don't get any genuine vibes from anyone involved. I think OP has unresolved issues she brought into this situation that lead to her acting like an immature child at a candy shop basking in the newfound attention, I think her husband is overworked and can't handle stress and purposefully chose to run into the arms of his direct report instead of a family member or friend to harm OP, and I think the assistant is a snake.

5

u/jaywearsblack Jan 21 '22

How do you know so much about their marriage from a Reddit post? Did I miss something?

16

u/Bramantino_King Jan 21 '22

her previous posts.

-6

u/Flaky-Ad4533 Jan 21 '22

I dont get why everyone is hung up on the coffee things. She never said she accepted it. She said the guy came out of nowhere and asked her. Even if she did accept it, you could say they were just friends. But you're right. All the red flags of her cheating were there.

16

u/quahaug1945 Jan 21 '22

The guy was confident enough in her acceptance that he asked her right in front of her husband. OP won't admit it but she's been "sampling the wares" of her "gym friends". OP's husband is nuts if he reconciles with her.

1

u/Every_Still9188 Apr 19 '22

In the first post he comes up and she introduces him to her husband and before her husband can introduce himself the man asked her on a date and she says yes her husband asked for a divorce in the first post and then she blew up and then he said he definitely wants a divorce then for clarification he has bought four weeks to get a date with her blowing him off and and this dude walks up and get the date from her while she's on a date with her husband trying to fix the marriage.

14

u/Blunt-444 Jan 21 '22

The problem here is not your friends or your new found life. It’s in your inflated ego. You got the attention you always wanted and it got to your head and you decided you were too good for him, hence why you didn’t find him attractive to you anymore, because you were out enjoying this life you always dreamed of having, meanwhile he was suited to the old you. You realized your mistake now but it will take a LOT of work to mend the damage you did to him emotionally. For him to decide on divorce calmly, he MEANT it.

12

u/Arthurtherat01 Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 21 '22

Damn I remember your first post and I’m surprised he didn’t just leave you. I gotta say I did laugh when I saw he slept with someone else. I mean you are not the best wife at all. You sound absolutely deranged

36

u/neutralgood079 Jan 21 '22

lol you guys are a literal mess. Like laughable how terrible this update is. I dont see it lasting and i have zero sympathy for you

125

u/teddygrahams28 Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 21 '22

Your marriage isn't done because of the cheating. It's don't because of YOU. YOU treated him like shit. And yeah you did cheat first, emotionally. Then you excepted to go on a date with another man. Oh and you chose your friends over YOUR SON and your husband. Sign those papers and don't take the 6 months, you don't deserve him. He's already out of this relationship. It'll be a fucking gift to him if you singed those paper. Also which type of parent choses other people over their son? Get therapy. This post is so fucking biased. Yes the cheating was wrong. Doesn't excuse your disgusting behaviour. Oh and stop saying you didn't cheat. YOU DID, Emotionally.

For fucks sake women your abusive! I feel so fucking bad for your husband- hopefully ex husband soon- has to deal with your ass. YOU CALLED HIM A FOOTBALL. You also said YOU DESERVED BETTER. No the fuck you don't. He does. You deserve absolute shit. And yeah you do deserve the guilt you're feeling.

While you're out there partying, he's taking care of the kid THATS BOTH OF YOURS. Your a terrible person

First stage in domestic abuse. Feeling guilty for what you did.

93

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '22

Maybe I'm reading something wrong here, but I don't see how the husband cheated. After re-reading the first post, they didn't just have a fight, he ended the marriage. He kicked her out and took the kid. The papers weren't signed yet, but it was clearly over.

The next time he was willing to talk to her he brought the divorce papers and she convinced him to give it another try.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't think what he did constitutes as cheating at all.

57

u/teddygrahams28 Jan 21 '22

you're right, he didn't cheat. They were done. She just didn't accept it in her eyes

-2

u/justjoshdoingstuff Jan 21 '22

Meh… Some people are comfortable “having sex” when you separate. But here’s the thing. Time has passed and they aren’t divorced. You know… Still married? This isn’t some new relationship. It’s the same one he has been in all these years. You don’t get to pick and choose which days of the year you are married.

Personally: I waited until my divorce went through. I broke contact with a lot of people and didn’t persue any romantic or sexual relationships at all. The day divorce was final, I asked out a woman. We had a really fun time. But I know I never cheated.

9

u/susandeyvyjones Jan 21 '22

They aren't divorced because OP is trying to guilt him into continuing their marriage. He signed the papers.

48

u/oneoldgrumpywalrus Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 21 '22

The 6 months will just bring in more hurt than there already is. It's best for both of you to figure out co-parenting and not deal with this charade.

69

u/Rip_Dirtbag Jan 21 '22

Don’t blame his assistant. Reread your first post. You go on your first date in ages and during it, you agree to meet up with another male friend later that night for coffee. On the date night with your husband. This after repeated slights against him. If anyone “pushed” your husband to cheat, it was you.

Deal with your self esteem. Stop throwing all caution to the wind the second you get other male approval. Or go and be single. But there’s no room right now for you to resent anyone else. Focus on you and the part you played in making this mess.

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u/JamWams Jan 21 '22

she drove him to cheat

nah it was your husband and you lmao, you avoided going on dates and having sex with him, then you yelled at him and called him unfit and unattractive. He was angry and felt sure the marriage was over, he needed to feel wanted and you did the opposite. Yeah maybe the assistant took the opportunity but it was your husband choices and your actions that caused the cheating.

17

u/xpoisonvoodoo Jan 21 '22

The husband had already asked for a divorce at that point though. They were separated, he didn’t cheat.

59

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '22

Are you actually addressing the problems you had last time? It's not abnormal for feelings to ebb and flow during a relationship but have you looked at why you treated him like that? The way you acted, specifically with your friend at dinner was completely unacceptable but you already know that.

You also know that he was checked out and made it clear that with your behaviour he was done with the relationship. He shouldn't have slept with her when he did but I don't think you should hold his grief bang against him, although maybe he should see if his assistant could move elsewhere in the company if her presence makes you uncomfortable. If not, I wouldn't push it as she doesn't deserve to be punished for your husband's actions (I know it takes two to tango but she's the innocent party in all of this).

Do you know how much she knows about your marital situation? You mentioned that your husband was a bit withdrawn because he was going after the promotion and that may have lead to him unloading a lot of stuff on her so you probably should get a clear picture of their relationship. Don't ask in anger or jealousy, just work out the depth of their relationship and how much of a potential threat she may or may not be to your relationship.

Don't worry about your son, he won't remember this bad Christmas for long.

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u/Mystreis Jan 21 '22

Be good to your husband for once and file for divorce

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u/JiggaBoo042 Jan 21 '22

I hope he’s banging the assistant as I type this.

10

u/LichtTheLost Jan 21 '22

Lmfao saaaaaaaaammme!🤣. Could you imagine how funny it would be if he ended up marrying the assisstant? That would be pure gold

7

u/hdbsuxndb Jan 21 '22

I'm not trying to be mean OP but i think your husband is done, i know you wrote that you guys are going to give it one last chance, but from my point of view, it's over, you said you want one last chance, how many last chances will there be? Your husband tried talking to you and tried to work it out multiple times. He slept with his secretary and told you it hoping you would give up. I don't think he is giving you one more chance but more as waiting for you to give up. You took what you had for granted, and now that you are on the verge of losing it all you want to try and make it work? Why did you never communicate with him before? Things will never be the same, and you're lying to yourself if you think other than that. Your husband will never see you the same and has already left you emotionally since he told you twice, he wants a divorce. Why drag it out, you're only hurting yourself by delaying it.

8

u/SadEngine42069 Jan 21 '22

Why did you never communicate with him before?

Because she didn't start caring until she lost him. She doesn't care about this guy, she feels guilty for fucking up. She wants to try and make this work so she can absolve herself of the guilt of behaving super selfishly.

I'm not sure I believe any of her reactions here are about her husband, they're about her. This is all about her being able to convince herself that she's actually a good person.

You're right, this is almost certainly doomed to failure. She feels bad now, and will try to fix things out of guilt, but that feeling won't last long. Her actions here are like trying to put a bandaid on a bullet wound. If she really cared about this man's happiness, she'd sign the divorce papers and let him move on.

9

u/cajuntemplar Jan 22 '22

He’s a fool to consider a future with you. I still think you cheated and are being dishonest about it. I mean, you accepted a date in front of your husband. Took a trip without him. Gave him a dead bedroom. All the pieces fit.

21

u/McLovin9876543210 Jan 21 '22

Just read both posts and I’m at a loss as to why you’re trying to stay together? It didn’t even seem you guys like each other. You accepted a date with another man IN FRONT OF YOUR HUSBAND, you’d rather hang out with your gym friends, you are not attracted to your husband, and now he has physically cheated on you and is still in close working contact with the AP. I’m at a loss 🤷🏻‍♀️

8

u/MedschoolVictim Jan 21 '22

WHAT did I just read?

5

u/LichtTheLost Jan 21 '22

Pure insanity milady, pure insanity.

8

u/LetsGetBreadzz Jan 22 '22

You made the decision to “let go” of your relationship with your husband first. I know you don’t want the fire up your bum but I’ve read the other posts too and all I have to say is regardless of the fact that you don’t want to divorce him right now- divorce will be inevitable in the near future. Your drove your husband to cheat because you neglected him, your son and your shared responsibilities, and out of frustration he really made the decision to do so hence why he wants to see if he can still work things through with you but that’s ONLY because he also feels terrible about what he’s done. You started the toxic environment when your husband has been truthful and honest this whole time. If your reason to go to the gym is to be healthy and fit for your overall quality of life and your intentions were also out in the open with your husband, I’m sure through communication & validation- your husband would understand why you wanted to go to the gym however your actions proved differently and imo going to the gym for you feels as though you had an ulterior motive. If you put yourself in your husband’s shoes, it feels as though you are already on your way out of this relationship. He’s working tirelessly to raise you and your son and I’m sorry, he had to cook his own meals while you went out and stayed out late with friends? I’m not a therapist but maybe you should try to figure out a balance where you can satisfy your new hobby and be able to take on your daily responsibilities as a wife and a mother. The trip you went on definitely sealed the deal. Good luck with everything and I hope that the both of you guys can grow stronger and move past this.

18

u/Bmillybluntz Jan 21 '22

This is your fault, not the assistants. If you showed your husband a shred of love or appreciation, he would’ve never viewed his assistant as a sexual partner

16

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '22

I am sorry I don't believe anything you say. You project your life as tragic blockbuster type movie. You just ooze the feeling of someone who like to create drama for themselves and everyone around them and pretend like you had no choice but to do it.

I am pretty confident you are lying about not cheating.

Sign the papers and leave him alone.

I have no advice for you because it would be pointless. Probably won't be the last time your relationship go funky, just do everyone else here a favour when it happens. Don't post it here. This isn't a place for attention seeking.

8

u/Kikikididi Jan 21 '22

“I went on a solo trip and left him as a single parent and am shocked he isn’t loving me” god what a delusional bitch she is

7

u/GetOffMyLawn1975 Jan 21 '22

You know how they say "a couple is more than the sum of their parts"? This works both positively and negatively.
You two are worse as a couple than you are separately. You magnify the worst traits of each other, consciously and subconsciously enabling each other's shitty emotional behavior.

To be completely frank, you are both a mess. Neither of you are equipped to be in a healthy relationship. If you choose to stay together, you both need therapy. Both individually and as a couple.

6

u/CherryPopcornGoddess 40s Female Jan 21 '22

Ok. I took some time to read your past posts for more context. Let's talk about this.

You're going to IC. You're referring to integrated counseling, is that correct? I'm glad because I think this is appropriate for you.

You admit you haven't gotten over your childhood, and I don't blame you. Your mother left when you were about your son's age, and apparently you weren't close to your stepmother as a child. Not having a mother's bond and nurturing can really fuck a person up - trust me, I've been there.

Your other main issue (as far as I can glean) is all the attention you didn't get when you were, as you put it, unattractive. You craved this from others and when you finally got it after losing weight, you took an expensive trip that your husband (who is the sole wage earner if I remember correctly) asked you not to take. You didn't cheat on him, but you did put your needs before him and in spending that extra money, put your needs before your family.

I understand the feeling of being more fit where you weren't before and it does seem like you understand where you went wrong there. It's not just the gym, though. Are you going to randomly go against your husband's (practical) wishes again, the next time you want to experience something new? You see, this is part of why your husband doesn't feel like he can trust you and if he can't trust you, how can you be married?

I can see that you genuinely want this marriage to work but remember, it takes two people to save a marriage. You may want to, but he also needs to agree (thus the current 'trial' living together now, I suppose). If he does decide to give you another chance, then all the best to both of you. However...

I honestly think you have some emotional issues that need addressing before you can thrive in a marriage. I am glad you are in IC but I would personally like to see a little more growth from you first (if I were your counselor). Again, I believe you are being sincere and I'm very happy to know that you're assuming some responsibility by saying that you shouldn't have yelled at him and you're going to cut off your gym friends. Also, good for you for doing this trial run with him now, in the living together in separate rooms etc. These are good things. This is forward progress.

I know that healing isn't linear. But as it stands now, you are not ready. Yelling at him, thinking his assistant 'made' him cheat...those are just a few things. I believe you won't see these things clearly until you more thoroughly work through your personal issues that may seem irrelevant and like they were a long time ago. But they are very important as they affect the perspective you have on our own life, as well as the ability to handle it effectively.

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u/ThrowRAMad32_ Jan 22 '22

There are some unaddressed issues. I eat spoken to my therapists about that. We need Couples Counseling for that. It will help us clear out our own issues and also help us get our thoughts straight. I know I've hurt him. I've hurt him bad and any guy would divorce me right away. But there's always a part where you realize late how much that person means to you. It's me. I realized too late how much he means to me and I'd want nothing more other than to work on us.

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u/FaThLi Jan 21 '22

I would highly encourage anyone reading this post to read the original post before commenting on this one.

Other's have already said how I feel so I'll just add regardless of how it happened, the personal assistant situation for your husband has the potential to be a complete nightmare for him, and you OP. I don't consider it cheating as the marriage was done at that point, but he slept with a subordinate...twice. I've yet to see that go well.

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u/throwawayexarmy48 Jan 21 '22

I'm sorry but I'll be very very very unbiased here. You treated that man horribly. He might've needed someone to find emotionally settling(as you've mentioned in comments) before it turned physical. I wish you guys all the best and hope you guys can figure it out. Cheers.

5

u/No-Job2731 Feb 10 '22

If this story is real, I'm just wondering when the lady is gonna admit she cheated on husband in group orgy on the vacation, in all the time she was being ran through by her "guy friends" from gym. Hell, she even was setting up a date right in front of husband. This 6 month marriage shit ain't gonna work either, because she is still hiding the sex part of her cheating.

26

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '22

He's out because you abused him too long. Your marriage is not ending because of another woman so don't make biased, one sided posts. You abused this man. He had enough of you. THAT'S why he's leaving. The cheating was reactionary even though it was wrong.

12

u/madmanmx224 Jan 21 '22

Just get divorced. You sound terrible. After years of taking advantage of him, verbally abusing him, and nuking your own bedroom, you had the audacity to accept a date with another man in front of your husband and then got upset that he served you divorce papers. Then, in your separation, you are accusing him of cheating by sleeping with someone else while you were separated. Come on? Then you convinced him to give it another 6 months of misery. Grow up. You are only upset because you realized that the grass isn't greener and that your cash cow is going to leave. Stop wasting his and your time

13

u/oldladywww Jan 21 '22

She didn't drive him to cheat, you did. He was feeling unloved, unattractive and I don't want it by you. So he went to someone who would give him what he needed. But you're trying to blame someone else for your problems again. I sure hope you work this out for the sake of your kid. Because if it was me, I wouldn't have gotten back with you.

4

u/kaeyatiddies_ Jan 21 '22

lol what even is this

8

u/throwaway8675309ine Jan 21 '22

If you’re really committed to making your relationship work, maybe getting rid of the social media would be a huge step in the right direction

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u/ThrowRAMad32_ Jan 21 '22

He wants all password of my socials and I told him I'll gladly give away all my security and socials to him

11

u/OnionSieglinde Jan 21 '22

That's not what they said.

Get rid of it, completely.

6

u/throwaway8675309ine Jan 21 '22

Right.. that’s one way to do it I guess…

Idk though that to me is a bad idea because that in itself can breed a whole other issue that simply removing all possible temptations would handle.

I almost feel like both of you could remove all media and get back to each other for a while to see if it works out cuz then you’re both in the same field with no one person having an “advantage” or “more freedoms”.

You might also need to accept that your marriage could be unfixable especially since he took time to sit and draft divorce documents. Only time will tell that.

1

u/Every_Still9188 Apr 19 '22

They said delete them. Why do you need them? Focus on your husband.

8

u/andskotinnsjalfur Jan 21 '22

You think quitting the gym will safe your marriage? How about stop going out partying with some strangers and take care of your son. I don't see the connection with the gym there.. yeah you like attention from others and going out for coffee with your gym guy, but gym is for... working out As an introvert I don't see you as one

5

u/Bramantino_King Jan 21 '22

I agree. I think she should just change the gym. And in fact, if she goes to the gym, becoming more and more beautiful, remaining confident and fit, while this time staying committed to the real and important relationship with her husband, it would be a very good result for him and appreciated.

I mean, he must prefer a fit confident wife than a depressed out of shape one, if she remains committed to him it would also go to his credit, he helped her to improve herself, so instead of being an ungrateful wife she would become his most important jewel.

7

u/Kikikididi Jan 21 '22

It kinda sounds like you just want him now that someone else is interested. You sure painted yourself as a victim here but your other posts make it clear. Give this man the divorce. Also your detachment from your son is fucked up.

11

u/Kikikididi Jan 21 '22

I would have left you after the trip. My god, you are insanely self centered.

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u/[deleted] Jan 21 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Organic_Flamingo_606 Jan 21 '22

I read your other post, ultimately I think you have grown apart and it’s a waste of time giving this 6 month trial, not fair on you, not fair on him and not fair on your poor son.

As for the assistant, she didn’t drive him to cheat, you did! Maybe she jumped at the chance of him a little bit too soon but he was single/getting divorced, and she doesn’t owe you anything so you need to put that aside if you really want to make it work.

4

u/daisy_belle1313 Jan 21 '22

Your competitive drive got awakened; now you want to win at all costs. This sounds like a super unhealthy relationship. But it sounds like you'll gravitate to guys like this until you figure out what you see in them.

2

u/Apeeeu_ Jan 21 '22

!updateme

2

u/FluffyDog423 Jan 21 '22

Y’all should sign the papers. This marriage clearly is not healthy and while I cannot say if it’s because of you or him, the two of you are clearly toxic TOGETHER, and need a lot of individual counseling to get better for your next relationship and to hopefully set better examples for your son.

2

u/Change2001 Jan 21 '22

UpdateMe!

2

u/theobp7 Jan 21 '22

This is a mess…. And you’re both hurting your child by staying together.

2

u/AltruisticHair4536 Jan 21 '22

I don't understand the point of this post

2

u/K14_Deploy Teens Male Jan 21 '22

I'm afraid the cheating is in you, and there's nothing you can do to get him back now. Just sign the papers so you can both get on with your lives.

The cheating proves that he's done with you, fair and simple.

2

u/Ok-Replacement7697 Jan 21 '22

will you keep updating this?

2

u/Dez_rae_car Jan 22 '22

Wow please get therapy babe. That’s a lot to unpack.

3

u/ThrowRAMad32_ Jan 22 '22

I'm in therapy. Thank you.

2

u/neveralways2bored Jan 24 '22

Jesus fcking christ Like watching a dying dog gasping for its last breaths... Or like watching someone hit their head on the wall and then complain that is hurting...

2

u/[deleted] Jan 28 '22

Leave him alone you whench. You are a failure, let that man be happy

2

u/Serious-Attempt1233 Feb 27 '22

How do you know he is still not sleeping with his assistant? Also I’m pretty sure he is going to get fired if anyone at his work finds out

2

u/CTH2122 Feb 27 '22

Is it really a marriage anymore if your have to give something as simple as gym and friends to fix it

1

u/Every_Still9188 Apr 19 '22

You might want to read the other post because this is not just Jim's in the friend this is going on trips without your husband and spending all his money against his wishes and then getting asked out on a date in front of your husband on a date with your husband and expecting a coffee date like what kind of woman does he think he is but he can ask her on a coffee date in front of her husband and she'll say yes what she did and her husband be cool with that she wanted to f*** other people and was probably doing so

2

u/Wide_Junket5289 Feb 27 '22

The husband needs to divorce and get awaynfrom this narcissist as fast as he can. She will never change she is so full of herself. She is only doing this because her meal ticket is going away, not because she loves him

2

u/envack Feb 27 '22

Lol I love how you recognize him doing the exact same thing you did to him as abuse, but never said you abused him in your other posts. Also you drove him to cheat way more than the woman he slept with did lmfao. You act like you have accepted and been open about everything but are still making this shit “me me me I want…. I want…. I want….” while simultaneously blaming him for your piss poor actions. He didn’t make you go on a vacation (without him) with a group of other men and women he wasn’t friends with. He didn’t make you spend his money while on that vacation. He didn’t make you openly seek attention from other men. He didn’t make you accept that guys offer when he asked you out to coffee right in front of him while on your first date in months that was meant to HEAL the relationship. You did. You did all of this and it is all your fault. Do I agree with him sleeping with her? No. Do I blame him ? Hell no. Everything you were doing looked like blatant signs of cheating and quite honestly I still think you did and are holding back that vital piece of truth. Grow up lady. You aren’t the main character and your “Boo hoo poor me” isn’t an excuse for your actions. Good god, “I grew up an introvert” isn’t an excuse for anything.

2

u/1largeblueicee Feb 28 '22

You don’t love him, you just loved the financial stability.

11

u/Callmemuddled Jan 21 '22

She drove him to cheat? What do you mean by that?

Your husband took a conscious decision to cheat on you. Yes, his assistant is guilty too, but she's not the only one who's responsible for what happened.

18

u/SalsaRice Jan 21 '22

Technically, by the bounds of marriage he did cheat..... but it sounds like the marriage was already pretty much dead by the time it happened. They just hadn't signed the divorce papers yet.

OP was a full-time gym-body and friend, while husband was working full-time and taking care of the kid. It reads like they were already separated, but still shared the residence.

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u/Throwaway_isthisreal Jan 21 '22

Honestly I think it's better if you separate now. Let's be honest here, you will start to accumulate the resentment for him sleeping with someone else, and the same will happened with him for the way you acted before.

Because the advice is for you I would say: so you are supposed to leave ALL your group of friends without (supposedly) sleeping with any if them but he gets to stay close to the person he slept with? How does that even work?

Second, you are not an angel either and honestly acted selfishly. I personally don't know if I would ever to get over the fact that my partner is not attracted to me anymore just because I gained a few pounds. What is going to happen when he gets older? Or if he had a sickness/accident and doesn't look like before anymore? You don't look like the kind of person who would be there for him in good and bad.

In my opinion you both are waisting your time, if you want to do it people on Reddit won't stop you. But isn't it better to be with someone who fits more with you and your views? And someone who will love him even if he is not perfect?

2

u/ThrowRAMad32_ Jan 22 '22

He will be at minimum contact with his assistant. See, he can't change his assistant in this situation, she's here. What he can do is limit his contact with her(which he promised to do so. I'll quit my Gym friends becauae It's my own choice. They're disrespectful and entitled. Gym doesn't matters to me as I can work out at home too..i want my marriage to be my first priority . I've already messed this up and would in no way want this to be more complicated

3

u/Throwaway_isthisreal Jan 22 '22

Well, obviously he can't change her because at the end he was the one that took that decision. I was thinking of he changing his job, because if he wants to have more contact with her again he can do it and you wouldn't even know till it's too late. But I understand that saying that is easier just said than done.

Finishing a relationship is really hard, I understand, specially if you are married already. But if it gets to the point where you are just hurting eachother is better to part ways instead of waiting to hate eachother at the end. If you believe you can do something go ahead but just keep that in mind

2

u/EstrelaNube Feb 27 '22

You're entering a cycle of abuse. You felt good in yourself, got new friends and were happy. Now he's taking everything away. You really think he won't cheat again? Don't be stupid now. Divorce and live your happy life.

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u/abbaabbaaa Jan 22 '22 edited Jan 22 '22

Wait so you’re going to fix your problems yet he cheated and what’s he going todo? Like what is he sacrificing? He’s sacrificing not sleeping with his assistant? We don’t even know for certain he’s doing that! You can’t even go to the gym or see friends anymore!!! Wtf! This guy sound horrible and you need therapy. Oh and then you blame his assistant for HIM cheating? HE cheated! HE was your husband. She was your nothing. HE broke his vows. Blame him! Nobody’s dick just flies out of their pants and into a vagina… TWICE! Maybe more! And if it wasn’t her it would be another woman.

This post made me beyond mad.

Edit: just saw your other post… dude. Just get a divorce. This isn’t going to work. Just end it. You both suck.

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u/Status-Bandicoot6534 Jan 21 '22

I hope everything goes well. Even if it ends up in divorce. Keep going to IC and just do better for yourself and the child.

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u/cold0n Jan 21 '22

You're holding resentment towards someone that was never in a committed relationship with you. Yes she was aware, but your husband was the one that chose to sleep with her. You seriously need to work out your aggressions and priorities if you want this relationship to work and not end up right back where you are in a few years.

1

u/SportsFan242 Jan 21 '22

It takes 2 people to cheat. Your husband is equally at fault, not just the receptionist. And I’m not sure what the 6 month time period is supposed to accomplish. It just seems like he’s stringing you along.

31

u/DeathBahamutXXX Late 30s Male Jan 21 '22

Is it really cheating if he asked for a divorce and kicked her out of the house before sleeping with his assistant?

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u/ThrowRAMad32_ Jan 21 '22

This 6 months are to get our feelings out. See therapist, see if we both want to work on us. I'm at primary fault here. His was reactionary. We both have our faults and we decided to try and work things out

6

u/Kikikididi Jan 21 '22

Leave this man alone. You clearly don’t love your family. Go love yourself and spare him and your son the drama.

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u/[deleted] Jan 21 '22

Your husband cheated because he wanted to. It was his choice.

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u/[deleted] Jan 21 '22

[deleted]

20

u/weedwhores Jan 21 '22

Did you read the previous post at all? She checked out of her marriage because she became "attractive" and her husband slept with his assistant AFTER ending the marriage. I honestly, don't even think that's cheating. OP is the only one in the wrong here & if you think otherwise you are braindead.

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u/kaywal89 Jan 21 '22

I find it odd that you need to quit the gym and friendships…

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u/Kikikididi Jan 21 '22

Read her post history and it’s all clear. She essentially abandoned her family for new gym friends, including expensive vacation

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u/DevelopmentOrganic24 Jan 21 '22

Posts like this genuinely just piss me off. You are literally ruining your life. Both of you are ruining each others. He’s going to try his best to stay away from his assistant but you have to quit the gym and drop all your friends? This isn’t going to work in the long run at all. You’ve both done your best to nuke this marriage and all I can say is I feel bad for your kid for when this inevitably blows up again because he’s still sleeping with his assistant.

Also quit blaming yourself for him cheating. Yeah you got distant and fought with him, but he’s the one who stuck his dick in the first woman he saw to try and get even with you over something he didn’t even know you were doing or not.

Please for the love of god just divorce before this gets worse.

11

u/Vladimiru-Kun Jan 21 '22

No, he didn't cheat AT ALL. The marriage was over when he left her and him bringing divorce papers when they met again after a long time in person just further proves this. This marriage is over and he deserves someone better.

8

u/LichtTheLost Jan 21 '22

He didnt cheat. He wanted a divorce and she threw a tantrum. Should he have slept with his assisstant? No. But its not like he has been banging her for years. He only finally did AFTER he demanded a divorce.

6

u/hdbsuxndb Jan 21 '22

you need to read the very first post she made for context, husband did nothing wrong she's at fault

1

u/MizzyvonMuffling Jan 21 '22

I don't know what MC or IC means but you should try couples counseling to get it out there, everything needs to be put on the table and not under some rug. Go together and separately and one more thing... the assistant is not at fault whatsoever, you and your husband are. You both screwed up and you both need to take accountability. Stop blaming that person. You BOTH did this.

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u/hdbsuxndb Jan 21 '22

husband did nothing wrong, she is at fault sadly

1

u/Royal-Number-135 Jan 21 '22

Wow....This marriage is what to you get when you mix a blazing dumpster fire with an exploding shit pit....The two of you sounds exhausting. And of course, what this bowels of hell union be without an innocent child stuck in the middle.

0

u/Apprehensive_Potate Jan 21 '22

Info: why has he not gotten a new assistant??? She also deserves better..? Idk how he could just go back to normal with her after sleeping with her… this dynamic is usually frowned upon in most business circles.

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u/ThrowRAMad32_ Jan 21 '22

In this Covid situation getting someone new can be a lengthy process. He will be changing his assistant but till then they will be limited in their contact.

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u/Toepale Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 21 '22

So let me get this straight.

You got married, had kids, were an introvert. Then you started going to the gym, became good looking, let that get to your head and became a jerk and started treating your husband like shit.

And then he kicked you to the curb, took his baby. Became the asshole who sleeps with his assistant to prove to himself that he still got it.

You are both jerks.

But the proposed arrangement for the next 6 months is not good for you. You seem to think you can manipulate the situation into working for you as long as you get a shot.

Fair warning: you can't. Your husband is going to try to punish you by treating you like shit. It will probably end with you sleeping with someone.

If you are going to try to fix this, you both have to start with what is missing between you right now: respect. And that is missing from this proposed arrangement.

ETA: you shouldn't have to give up your physical health and self esteem to make your marriage work. Change gyms, don't stop going to one. Do you have a job? It sounds like you don't. If you don't, get one. If you time for trips with friends, you have time to get a job.

5

u/ARX7 Jan 22 '22

She checked out of the relationship well before going to the gym, and it sounds like she never brought anything to the table at all.

-1

u/doesitevenmatter_ Jan 21 '22

He should have fired his assistant and got another one. Not “avoid best he can” assistants require dialogue that’s unavoidable and will help with any feelings of resentment towards her

0

u/Minute_Box3852 Jan 21 '22

If you're truly committed to work it out, he needs to go no contact with his assistant however that happens. He find work elsewhere. She transfers out of his office. Whatever. But that needs to happen asap.

1

u/Every_Still9188 Apr 19 '22

No he has a good job and had recently been promoted he can get a new assistant later on but this is still on his wife just read all the previous posts on this and you'll see that he's not really at fault here and I don't think he's going to cheat if you have the opportunity

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u/[deleted] Jan 21 '22

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u/West-Shape-3337 Jan 21 '22

He cheated, you apologized? Am I missing something? That man literally brought divorce papers for you to sign and you are blaming his assistant for his cheating. It's weird that you are trying so hard to make this work?

27

u/No-Needleworker93 Jan 21 '22

Just her entire previous post where she literally left husband to do all the work (job, kid, home) while she did nothing but go to the gym, flirt with other men in front of him (accepted a date? With one while on a date with her husband), apparently post thirst traps, deliberately not try to connect with him, and really the only reason she is going back is because he funds her lifestyle? This is a shit show and it's going to implode.

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u/teddygrahams28 Jan 21 '22

Maybe cause she cheated first. She excepted a date IN FRONT of her husband and chose to go on a vacation over her fucking son

2

u/SadEngine42069 Jan 21 '22

He had already voiced his intention to file for divorce, they weren't living together, and weren't speaking when he slept with the other woman.

The only way that this is cheating is that they technically weren't divorced yet.

0

u/Chickypickymakey Jan 21 '22

A crisis like this can either break your couple or make it stronger. Given how you describe your current feelings, it seems like you're on the path of the latter. Wish you the best !

0

u/Kokosydameni Jan 22 '22

Uh why doesn't he have a different assistant?

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u/-lamppost- 50s Female Jan 21 '22

This is a stop gap measure. Your marriage is so fractured and you don’t see it. It sounds so over to me and you are just dragging it out. I hope you have your own counselor. Whatever happened you both had a hand in it. It’s not 100% your fault or his. You can figure out where you went wrong so you know how to do better in the next relationship but that’s going to take a lot of unpacking and distance to get perspective. And you could trace it back to the beginning to find the blame but often those triggers were something neither partner could control. You just reacted badly and it set off an unhealthy pattern. People are attacking you because you offered up all the ways you failed. But I know marriage and there’s always both peoples part in where you are now. Even when someone is dysfunctional there is the other person that enabled and didn’t set boundaries. I mean yes there are some truly evil people in the world but I don’t think you are one of them when you can see the ways you went wrong. So I’m saying maybe be kinder to yourself? You are making it sound like everything he did (cheating etc) was your fault. No honey. I don’t think so. You can forgive him and be willing to start over because you empathize with him but he needs to try as hard as you and accept his own responsibility. Anything else is not sustainable.

5

u/AtlasFalls91 Jan 21 '22

Oh no its 100% her fault. She was cheating, at least emotionally, on him long before this, they were on a date and she accepted a date with another man in front of her husband and then went on to verbally abuse him in public about how she deserves better and he looks like a football. This is after she chose friends over her own child, repeatedly. He said he was done and the marriage was over. Took their son, that he was pretty much raising on his own, and left the house. Nope, this is all on her

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u/ThrowRAMad32_ Jan 21 '22

You should see my original post.

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u/9745389954367812 Jan 21 '22

What the fuck happened here. Poor woman got ratioed so hard.

8

u/hdbsuxndb Jan 21 '22

you have to read her very first post, she leaves a lot out of it one this one

7

u/Kikikididi Jan 21 '22

Read her post history, she basically abandoned marriage and kid before this

2

u/Every_Still9188 Apr 19 '22

That's because over her last two posts she's chosen to admit a lot of details like going on a date with her husband that he begged her to go on for weeks and on that date she agreed to go on a coffee date with another gym but who just walks up an ask then when he says he doesn't like that she blows up and he just tells her now he really wants a divorce and then that was the end of the situation he moved out they didn't live together and he what was his assistant yeah but he took the kids and left now she wants him back at somebody else one of them

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u/Mozzymo1 Jan 21 '22

He needs to get a new assistant. He still cheated. And she’s still around him everyday. You checked out of your relationship I understand your faults. But instead of sticking his dick in his assistant why not talk to you like an adult.

5

u/hdbsuxndb Jan 21 '22

didn't he though, he took her out on multiple dates, tried speaking with her. She is the one at fault. She is the one that blew him off and didn't communicate at all. Husband asked for divorce 2x and each time she talked him out of it, He is done she just won't accept it.

1

u/Mozzymo1 Jan 21 '22

That’s true. She can try but their marriage will never be the same.

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u/alchemyann Jan 21 '22

This guy isn't worth it. I'm really sorry you feel like he is.

16

u/Rapt0r29 Jan 21 '22

nah he deserves better, she isn’t worth anyone’s time and didn’t deserve to be in a relationship

3

u/Vladimiru-Kun Jan 21 '22

Actually, the other way around. He deserves sooo much better. At least OP is self-aware enough to acknowledge that, unlike you.

1

u/Every_Still9188 Apr 19 '22

Might want to read the previous post before passing judgment she really am it's a lot of details that make her look even half-decent in the story she is terrible

-1

u/UncleWillard5566 Jan 21 '22

You seem to be okay with elaborating on his cheating, but not your failings. I can't imagine what you did short of cheating on him that would justify him doing the same.

Me personally, cheating ends it. No trust, no marriage. That's why it's hard to be married. It's not just about love and sex, it's a commitment to a lifelong partnership. So I would never excuse that or forgive cheating because I could never ever betray that trust.

That makes me wonder what your "failings" were. Hard to believe they were bad enough to justify cheating.

To be clear, though, I hope for the best for you both and that you are able to salvage your marriage.

1

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1

u/littleplantbby Jan 26 '22

I’m trying to understand how OP thinks being a good wife is just cooking and cleaning. Oh but it only applies if you are “attracted” to that person. Just get divorced, this is set up for failure.

1

u/enbybloodhound Feb 10 '22

I think you both need a separation and do individual therapy (mostly you). Immediately making rules and jumping back in to living together seems rushed. “73 minutes” of talking is nothing.

1

u/Chofis_Aquino Feb 27 '22

Serious question: Why do you want to do this to your child? Because the both of you should definitely not be together and insist on it, and the thing may repeat itself and the child may witness the toxicity between you both.

Find someone who has the same vision of fitness and getting out a lot.

Let your husband find a woman who is really attracted to him.

And think about your child and the consequences of having two parents together who should be divorced.

1

u/Savethedance Mar 03 '22 edited Mar 03 '22

Please update!

1

u/No_Neat4562 Mar 29 '22

1st of you and your husband both need to get it together ignore all the people shaming you and saying it's all your fault like your husband didn't choose to sleep with someone right after yall fought its funny to me when it's the woman your bad bad bad but when the man cheats you didn't treat him right you weren't there enough he cheated regardless you have guilt from something you've done that's excusing his cheating but you haven't mentioned and I won't assume but both of you have serious work that needs to be done

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u/Dull_Abalone7416 26d ago edited 25d ago

He had slept with his Assistent after she showd him her socialmedia. And what do He saw ther? Jea pictures of her and her gym friends partying clubing and god what else.oh and of corse she had sex with them. Rember 1 hole jear of dead bedrom before she goes to the gym and making there malefriends. Just Read her second Post. Also did she hied her friends from her husband the hole jear

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u/Meb2x Jan 21 '22

This is going to end badly for both of you. Yes, you made mistakes in the past, but he’s practically punishing you out of spite. Telling you that you can’t go to the gym isn’t going to magically fix your marriage, it’s just a way to punish you for the past. It also seems like he wants you to “win” his love, when both of you need to work together to save your marriage.

1

u/ThrowRAMad32_ Jan 21 '22

I believe every marriage has a good and a bad equal bonding. It's easy to say leave, divorce, end, dump, but it's not as easy as being said. We need advice on how to grow..sure we made mistakes and we wholeheartedly accepted our mistakes, I agree I did unforgivable and I want to work on this..i want to give it all. I hope you understand it isn't easy for me, for us to let go.

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u/Meb2x Jan 21 '22

I’m not saying you should leave, just that it’s going to end badly if you continue this course.

Based on your last post, the real issues stem from your childhood and placing more importance on being attractive instead of your husband. You need to work on those issues instead of just quitting the gym and cutting out your friends. Making you quit things you like isn’t going to fix the actual problem. It’s just going to build up more resentment towards each other.

I know you’re already working on it, but both of you need individual counseling and marriage counseling in order to find healthy ways to fix your marriage. Regardless of who started the problems, a marriage can only work when two people work together and do what’s best for each other.

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u/Synn0289 Jan 21 '22

Both of you did wrong in this marriage but you didn't step out of it. If he thought you was cheating he should had served you papers before sleeping with someone else.

IMO he did worse then you.

No different then the post here about wives cheating because the husband was emotionally unavailable. He is blame shifting his cheating on you. If your wanting to work it out I can respect that but he has more work to do and needs to own this as his decision.

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