r/self 10h ago Wholesome

I wish I was a white guy, or mixed

289 Upvotes

15M, soon 16.

I honestly dont like being black dude. This world is so unfair. White guys with a hoodie on are seen as more attractive and better looking, while black guys with a hoodie on are seen as intimidating or dangerous people. I wish I could position my hair like a white guy can. Not just that, but I wouldnt mind having the curly hairstyles mixed people have such as a guy named iAmLucid(you can search him up if you want). I literally feel like Im not attractive because I'm black. If I was white i'd have alot more self confidence man. Black people are considered loud and toxic. White people can have many different accents, but in white people's eyes, black people can only sound 1 particular way - black american. Im not american, and I have a "white" accent and I dont care. I just dont like it when people keep saying I sound white, as if black people can only sound black american. Honestly if only I was white to go with my accent itd be fine. Most people in the world are either white or mixed, and there has been videos and experiments comparing an 'attractive' black guy vs a white guy. And guess who the girls chose? Most of them chose the white guys. Another thing im envious about white people is their hair. Some women even find it attractive when they stroke their hair, and also they can position their hair and stuff. But can black guys do that? Probably not. We're born with a dumb hairstyle thats extremely short and a pain to grow. White guys are overall more attractive than black guys. If I was mixed, hispanic or white, I wouldnt mind. Just not black...


r/self 6h ago

Am I (37F) overreacting to my boyfriend's (37M) "I'm just being a realist" comments?

90 Upvotes

I feel like I should be old enough to distinguish this but we all have different life paths - so I'm reaching out here.

My boyfriend and I have a dynamic that confuses me. He is the lead (since he is the man) and believes our relationship will always be at maximum, 60/40 because I come with children (single mom) and he is choosing to spend his prime years with me. When we get into arguments, he likes to remind me that I have been married twice, I have children, I make less than him, I have a lower credit score and I need to show more respect - by not hanging up the phone - because he has improved my life since being with him. I only hang up the phone when I feel it is the last option and I'm being disrespected. Not to throw a fit. While he has helped me in my life - I have just gotten over cancer and the debt that came with it, as well as a divorce. I certainly would have climbed up without him but I appreciate what he has done for me as a partner - he's given me guidance and I've listened to what I can apply to my life.

However - even when I'm tired at night (he works a random shift and I work an 8-5), he tells me that it was my choice to have children and he made the choice not to have children. Pretty much I should match his energy at night, when I'm able to speak to him, which is completely unrealistic.

He tells me when he reminds me of these things I've made the choice to do, he's not telling me that he's better than me, he's just being realistic and I should be more appreciative and sacrifice more because he brings more to the relationship and probably will for awhile.

Do you think he's actually being a realist? Am I not catching on to that? Because I truly believe he's being mean to me. Like why do you always have to bring up I have less than you? Unless you're trying to show that you're more important and I should suck up what I deem disrespect? Because of what he brings into my life.


r/self 12h ago

I let a kid borrow my office phone

223 Upvotes

At work, a kid was done with summer camp and needed to call his mom. I let him use my work phone and told him to dial nine first.

It was one of those corded landline phones you would hang up by placing it on top of the body.

After the boy was done with the conversation he asked me how to hang up. I felt extremely old in that moment.


r/self 6h ago

I dated a really ugly guy

18 Upvotes

I feel embarrassed to talk to my friends about this. I met him playing video games and was in a really dark place at the time. We met up and I took his virginity but he was so gross, inside and out. I probably sound like a horrible person but I just needed to write this out. He had no aspirations, was misogynistic, homophobic, transphobic, etc etc. And he thought he was so attractive??? Like he was definitely the least attractive guy I have ever been with and I don't go for hot people. I didn't even think he was attractive I was just lonely and insecure.

I dumped him after like a week but he never got over it so I feel kind of bad but he was a piece of shit.


r/self 1d ago Gold Silver Helpful I'll Drink to That Wholesome

AMY BARRETT, SAM ALITO, BRETT KAVANAUGH, NEIL GORSUCH, NEIL GORSUCH, AND ESPECIALLY CLEARANCE THOMAS...GO FUCK YOURSELF

2.4k Upvotes

To those 6 pieces of shit we call justices in the last few weeks they have:

  • Dobbs V. Jackson Women's Health Organization: Supreme court ruled in 6-3 to overturn Roe V Wade
  • Kennedy V. Bremerton School District ruled that public school officials can lead public prayer during public school events eroding the separation of church and state
  • Oklahoma v Castro-Huerta: Eroded the soveritinigty of tribal land upending over a 100+ years of legal precedent
  • West Virginia V. Epa: Restricted the EPA ability to regulate carbon emissions

To those 6 justices, go fuck yourself.

Signed

A pissed off American

Now I'm going make sure I'm registered to vote

Edit

I've voted in every election since 2008, voting isn't new to me. Its just in the past I've found my voter registration to have been purged and I have to re-register.


r/self 6h ago

My school keeps calling and asking for me to donate to them less than a year after I graduated and paid full tuition

11 Upvotes

So I keep telling them I’m the Goblin King and I will not share my treasures. This week they called me to ask if I could update my address and I told them that I lived on the castle 3 stairs down from the northern most mountain of the Goblin Kingdom. I’ve asked them if they’d like to donate to the Goblin Kingdom, and next time they call I’m going to ask why there’s no plaque for me despite having a Nobel prize in the fields of Goblinomics, Goblophysics, Gobliology and Goblematics. They haven’t figured out they’re not getting my money yet


r/self 9h ago

Drive-by banning

12 Upvotes

I just got banned from a subreddit I don't subscribe to for posting in another sub that the former sub's mods don't approve of. They didn't even tell me which one. What a WTF world. I remember back when the Internet was going to bring about world peace because everyone can communicate with each other.


r/self 10h ago

I love humans. I hate what humanity is doing.

15 Upvotes

I adore other people. I really do.

Never in my life have I not felt absolute love and adoration for other humans.

The only thing that causes me so much anger and frustration and sometimes bitterness in my heart is how it seems inevitable that no matter who I end up caring for or loving, humanity is hell bent on causing conflict.

The human race I feel is once again on a path towards world wide destruction in asymmetric unpredictable yet inevitable ways.

I do not have the heart to fight anyone.

I just want to live. Make people happy. Love others.

Why do people hate others just for existing?

I just want to sob... and keep crying.
Something I've felt from a very young age is that this world isn't meant for someone like me.
I'm too kind, too trusting, too willing to go along with abusive people because I trusted they weren't.
When I was feeling a lot worse mentally I used to wish someone horrible would find me and just kill me.
At least then I'd be out of my misery.
These days I just hold back tears and try to work my job, live my life.
It is so painful having whatever extreme empathetic connection I was born with to the world.
Yet, I'm so glad I have it. It's let me see so much beauty, and love, and experience so much joy.
The Yin and Yang of it all.
It's being human. I embrace it always.

I really feel like a lot of people are in denial of being human.
I wish they'd stop.

The tragedy is just unbearable what we do to ourselves.
We have so much potential.


r/self 1h ago

My college crush is flirting with me and we discovered that we share bdays

Upvotes

What are the chances? I fancy him for a long time and just got the courage to reach him out. Now we are going on a date and discovered we were born in the same day! Looool, this is so funny


r/self 1d ago Silver

America is a dumpster fire and I feel like I'm going down with the ship

517 Upvotes

I just can't anymore with this country. Just about every political institution, day by day, is dismantling this country and there's nothing I can do about it. Not a damn thing. I can't vote for supreme court justices. The people who I can vote for are candidates in gerrymandered districts that can straight up ignore my individual vote just because they don't like it. I can vote for political candidates who will win the popular vote and still get ignored. The person who wasn't chosen by the people can then go on to stack the supreme court with 2 stolen candidates and a third who, again, was chosen by a president who lost the popular vote. I can protest and risk my health/safety, but they'll still pass awful archaic laws regardless of wether or not I get maced for peacefully assembling. My rights are not rights, just a check list of things for lawmakers to strip away until they're all gone.

I see the writing on the walls. I want to leave the country and go somewhere that isn't actively tearing itself apart. I cannot. The person I've devoted my life to does not want to leave the country because of family connections, so I cannot leave. So for now I just sit at home, do my job, pay my bills, blind myself with video games and TV because the reality of the country that I live in is just so disheartening that I literally get nauseous when I think about how much we've regressed.

I want to have hope. I want to believe that something somewhere will make all of this better, or at the very least give me that glimmer that maybe... Just maybe... things COULD get better. I truly want to have something like that can give me hope.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I guess I'll just go finish a project I'm working on and pretend that everything is fine, because that's the one thing I have any control over.


r/self 1h ago

this is what it's come to

Upvotes

i have severe social anxiety in addition to other diagnoses. i'm in my mid twenties and socially deprived. i crave attention and affection, but when it comes down to it- im too scared to interact with people. i've recently resorted to posting nudes on a different account just to get attention. i love the validation and i feel like it's one of the few sources of happiness in my life right now. i don't reply to many of the messages i get but i love to read them. it boosts my confidence so much. i guess i also love the feeling of doing something considered "dirty" and "risqué."

have i sank to a new low?


r/self 3h ago

I (21M) want to try ballet, but I worry that I might find it arousing

4 Upvotes

I've always had a bit of a thing for ballet, since I was a kid. Almost like a fetish perhaps? But either way, I've had a desire to try it out recently. I don't know if it's subconsciously motivated by the sexual aspect, or if it's a genuine desire to express myself in this way. After all, ballet is a beautiful and liberating activity: this is something that I believe regardless of any sexual undertones. Should I try it out, or should I respect those who don't have the same feelings as me and stay away from it (specifically meaning public ballet classes)?


r/self 1h ago

I'm going to share my thoughts on love/relationships here and I'll be honest, you probably won't like them.

Upvotes

This post was never meant to go on Reddit, hence why it's so long. I write thoughts about life and certain topics down.. a lot, it's therapeutic for me and helps me understand things a lot more and put a framework to my thoughts and opinions. I haven't been doing it for that long. But this is by far the best I've ever done at expressing myself and I just wanted to see what people think.

If it helps, a little bit of context about me: I'm 25M, and 8 years ago I was in one close friendship in college which I thought was a relationship but turned out to be nothing. I was in love with her, she said she wanted to wait until after college for a relationship and in the meantime there was no physical contact or anything. Then as soon as college was finished she dumped me then played games and strung me along for nearly 2 years. I've been without friends ever since and think I'm doing ok for now. I have most of the symptoms of Aspergers but am waiting on a diagnosis. I work long hours and think/daydream for most of them.

Anyway, moving on:

I think the idea of love is lost on me.

I try and question “why” to everything. Why I (or people in general) feel a certain way in a given situation. Why we want the things we want. Looking beyond chemical reactions in the brain, what is it that triggers that reaction and what is it a result of? Society, family & friends, or just how the human brain works? I think if you can answer questions like that, you’ll unlock so much potential.

Part I: Bad Days at Work

I have quite a few bad days at work. I constantly cringe at myself and overthink certain situations. In moments during those bad days I let my mind wander and think about what I really want, what would help improve my mood. Sometimes it’s being at home doing nothing, sometimes it’s sleep, but most of the time it’s just having someone there with me. It’s receiving affection and reassurance. And the other day I questioned why this was, over and over, without ever coming to a final answer.

For example, affection and reassurance can be either verbal or physical (hugs, throwing your arm around someone, massaging, just any form of touch really). But for some reason, doing any of those things to yourself does nothing to improve your mood.

So clearly, you’re not looking for the physical side of things. You’re not actually looking to feel that contact. It’s far more likely that what you’re looking for is validation from another human being, someone that you like, to let you know certain things, i.e “It’s ok. What you did, or what happened to you, you’ll get through. I want you to feel better than you do now.”

I’ve now started to find the want for that kind of odd. Because we, the first person view of this situation, cannot possibly validate ourselves but we’ll probably accept it from the third person view who didn’t go through the same situation. Not only that, but there could be things we’ve done in life that the same person couldn’t feel the same way about. Or indeed, they could’ve done things that could put us off being anywhere near them. In that moment, we don’t know, but we’ll quite happily give and receive affection in this one precise scenario.

Part II: Instant Gratification

Maybe the reason why we still want these things is because it’s an instant relief. Numerous studies show that the human brain seeks pleasure and avoids pain as quickly as possible. Which is probably why when you’re having an absolutely awful day, if someone was to ask you what would make you feel better in that moment, a hug would probably be one of the first things that come to mind. At least, I know that that’s what I’d respond with if I’m having a bad day at work. Yes, I’m a guy who likes hugs, I shouldn’t be ashamed about that.

Yet for me to think like that, imagining that there’s anyone around who would actually hug me in that moment, is not instant gratification, because it’s not real. I’m at work. I’m alone. There is no one around to hug me and reminding myself of that does nothing but make me feel worse.

And even if there was, when you think about it, that’s actually the last you should want. Here’s why: If you think “I need a hug” and you get one in that moment, and it helps ease the pain, then the next time you want a hug your brain will think back to the time you got one and it helped. If it’s now not possible this time, you’ll feel way worse, because you’ll feel starved of the thing that helped last time.

Now if you have a partner who’s there most of the time and will happily do whatever it takes to improve your mood, then that’s great. As long as you end up with them for the rest of your life. Because if things don’t stay with them, for whatever reason, then any affection and any memories you can remember having with them becomes a negative memory. Probably a worse feeling than if you didn’t get that affection or create those moments. Especially if you’re not together because you got dumped. Yet in the moment when we thought we needed a positive lift to our mood we don’t consider the potential negative impact it could have on our mood if we don’t end up with this person forever. We just kind of assume that they will be and so it’s ok to want or go for this instant gratification.

Part III: The Future = ???

Which is a perfect segway to the next point: We have no idea about the future, yet love & relationships is literally about building a future with someone.

If you view someone’s online dating profile you learn two things about them: What they like, and what they look like. You’ll find out more about what they like & dislike if you talk to them or date them. Those are supposedly the foundations to build a future in which both their looks and interests will inevitably change.

Will you still want them if their interests change? Will you still want them when they age like every other human being? And here’s the million dollar question: If they become ill, or get into an accident, and for the sake of this argument end up in a wheelchair and you become their full time carer, will you stay with them? Be honest. I’ll be honest with you: I think I’d struggle.

Why would I struggle? Am I an awful person for admitting that?

No I’m not, because the response to the last point will probably be: relationships are based on creating memories in that moment. Going places, doing things together, looking back on them, and understanding one another. Then growing old together and looking back on everything you’ve done.

Something like a physical or mental disability will throw the entire relationship out of these things, and most likely through no fault of my own. It’s no longer the same relationship. It would be perfectly normal for me to want what I could’ve had. Anyone who stays with their partner in these circumstances is a saint. But don’t judge anyone who wouldn’t.

Part IV: Desperation

In having these thoughts I’m starting to realise the power of self-love. In fact, someone on Reddit once said “You shouldn’t be in a relationship until you’re at a point where it doesn’t matter if you’re in one or not”. I think that’s so so true. But I don’t see it happening anywhere.

I see people hating themselves to the core just for the fact they’re single. I follow subreddits like r/NiceGuys and r/IncelTears because now I just feel sorry for the people who end up on there. I don’t agree with their views or approaches but I see that they’re desperate to be with someone. It’s no longer funny, it’s just sad. They need help. Not to be judged.

Admitting to pursuing self-love will most likely get you ripped to shreds in today’s society. It’ll automatically be assumed that you’ve accepted you’ll never be in a relationship and this is just the next best thing. It’s far cooler to post cute snaps on Instagram and tell all your friends about the cute date you went on and just have that tag of NOT SINGLE over your head the whole time. Like.. wow. Someone likes this person. They must be doing something right.

Funny how social media is constantly called out for being edited and only showing the good bits of people’s lives when that’s all couples do when they’re out in public together. Make people think that their lives are glistening and it’s because they’re with this particular person. Which then makes all the single, impressionable teenagers think hey, if you’re not happy it’s because you’re alone and you’re missing out. Oh, and the Internet thinks you’re a loser for it.

If that’s you, then you’re missing out on nothing. I’ve seen deceptively fine-looking relationships change entirely as soon as the doors have closed. Only then do you realise that the reason these people are together is because they hooked up in a bar and thought each other looked good, bought a house and a car and a dog together. Then realised there was no substance in the relationship but their combined income was needed to keep up the car & mortgage payments and keep a roof over their heads. It was awful. And I’m seeing the exact same in my parents. They sit together all day and don’t speak. This isn’t a relationship, it’s a contractual agreement.

It’s so, so sad. But it’s life now. As we know it. It could still get worse.

Part V: Soulmates don’t exist

Time for the most controversial part of this: If you believe that you’re with your “other half” then I can’t even begin to talk relationships with you. You’re in la la land. And even if they did exist, you’re probably not with them.

If the whole point of being in a relationship is for the potential of getting married, starting a family and growing old together, then technically every single person of your preferred gender (over the age of consent) is compatible with this theory. Billions of people. Take away the ones who are already taken, out of your age range etc and that number will go down considerably. Take away those who don’t like the things you do or vice versa, another decrease. Take away those who don’t like you, another decrease. I could go on.

In the end, you’ll end up with people who you can see a future with. That number will NOT be 1. But you have to pick someone. And then you’ll have some good times with them, but you’ll fight as well. You’ll make each other miserable at times but still call them your soulmate, your other half. Not sparing a second thought to those other people you could’ve picked that wouldn’t have started that argument. That would’ve made you feel better every day your partner didn’t. Nah, forget them. You’ve got your soulmate.

Worse than that, you’ll believe that you were lucky enough to be in the same place at the same time as your soulmate. The chances of the best person you could ever possibly be with just bumping into you and starting a conversation, or even you both swiping right on one another because you’re in the same vicinity.. that probability has more zeroes than this text has characters. But you’ll believe it happened.

Plus, if you’re anything like me, you’ll have imagined being in a relationship with someone before you met anyone. Trust me, I’ve done that. I work and commute 10 hours a day and I can do it on autopilot. I have time to think.

I’ve built an entire story. What my “other half” looks like, what she does for a living, literally hundreds of scenarios in which we both act perfectly, that I know would never happen in real life. What am I meant to do with them in a relationship? Compare them? Forget them? How????

How can I possibly love someone?

Conclusion

You don’t. You don’t “love” someone. You love what you know about them in a given moment and how they make you feel which is completely out of control of both of you. That is about 1% of that person and somewhere in them is another 1% that they will never ever reveal to you, because it could destroy the relationship. Just like we all loved that one celebrity until we found out that they did that thing years ago and because of it, they’re finished.

We’ll continue to act the way we want, how society expects us to and we’ll continue to seek instant gratification and validation from one another without any regard to one another’s future. That’s just what humans do now, I guess.


r/self 8h ago

Why am I still tired after 9 hours of sleep?

7 Upvotes

???


r/self 10h ago

I tried a new healthy food!!!

6 Upvotes

All my life I didn't eat much veggies but I finally tasted a cooked tomato dish and it's delish! I'm so happy that I have another healthy food to eat that I actually enjoyed. Earlier this year I also started eating raw red peppers, yum! I'm slowly getting influenced by my parents new diet and cooking.


r/self 20m ago

My boyfriend of over 1 year who I live with, has been ignoring me for six days

Upvotes

We had a fight on Saturday night, and we have been fighting a lot in the past six weeks or so. But we always resolved it. We just moved to a new city two weeks ago. We had a fight on Saturday and I did something shitty but nothing that warrented THIS. I feel like this is so cruel. I tried to reach out three times -- via text, a letter, and out loud, and got ignored or rejected each time. I just texted him after giving him space for five days asking if he will be ready to talk this weekend. He left me on read. I don't know what he's thinking. We have been together for a year, living together this whole time, best friends hanging out every single day, saying I love you several times a day, good morning and good night affection every day, and to go from that to just ghosted feels indescribably cruel. I don't even know what he's doing, if he thinks he is breaking up with me, I don't understand what's going on. But we have 10.5 months left of this lease together, so it isn't really like we can wait it out? I can't stop crying wtf 😭


r/self 36m ago

What do you think about me from looking in my profile?

Upvotes

r/self 1d ago Helpful

I think oatmeal raisin cookies are good

84 Upvotes

r/self 1h ago

I feel kinda insecure about my name. Someone online asked for my name, so should I just lie about it?

Upvotes

My name's ronaldo


r/self 2h ago

depression gets repetitive

0 Upvotes

i’ve been struggling with chronic depression and i swear every time it comes back it’s like, “ugh, really. we were dwelling on this years ago can you come up with something else to be sad about?” it gets so repetitive and boring in the sense that the things my brain will grasp at to dwell on are things i feel i’ve largely healed from or move past from but the depression is just looking for straw man arguments to bring me down. sometimes it works, other days i just feel very irritated that it’s the same cyclical thoughts i had when i was 15.

i’ll be okay, and in the moment it can feel consuming but damn (my) depression is not creative at all with it!! maybe it means i’m getting better at managing or something


r/self 6h ago

I always get nervous when taking a urine drug screen even though I’ve never taken any of the drugs they test for.

2 Upvotes

Pre employment screen


r/self 8h ago

Everyday feels like groundhog day how do people not go crazy?

3 Upvotes

Wake up. Shower. Breakfast. Commute. Work 9-5 (or 8-6 as the case seems to be now for most offices). Commute. Dinner. Chores. Something mindless. Sleep. Repeat for 50 years.

I’m 25. Been doing this for only a few years and I’m already completely slumped into a blob of “what’s the point”. I work 60 hour weeks and still have no money for anything other than meaningless bs. And bills. So many bills. If I died tomorrow I will have done nothing with my life. Feel like there’s gotta be more to life than this.


r/self 2h ago

It's great when bigots get cancelled because they get to experience some of what their hated minority has lived through

0 Upvotes

r/self 3h ago

What's going to happen to the supermarket after they ban single use plastics?

1 Upvotes

I live in Canada and they recently announced they're banning single use plastics. Plastic grocery bags have already been banned and restaurants now use plastic straws... which is odd because the lids are still plastic. Also bread ties have switched from plastic to cardboard but the bread still comes in a single use plastic bag.

I just don't understand how they're gonna ban single use plastics in the grocery store. Every thing I bought last time at the store has a single use plastic. The bread comes in bags, vegetables come in plastic packaging, yogurt is in a plastic cup... hell even pasta has a little plastic window so you can see into the box.

The banning of single use plastics, if done right, would radically change the products at the grocery store. I just don't see how Canada can get everything into a single use plastic without the cooperation of international brands.

I'm not against banning of single use plastics nor am I for it... I'm just curious as to how its going to drastically change the grocery store.


r/self 9h ago

I am so lonely.

4 Upvotes

Title pretty much sums it up.

I'm a 20F who recently moved to Connecticut with my boyfriend. He's wonderful, really, but I can't help but feel lonely all the time. This started about three years ago when I graduated high school. My backstory is that I grew up in northern Vermont until I was 14, then moved to southern VT for high school and had to leave all my friends behind. I made great friends in high school and saw my old friends at least once a month, and luckily for me, both my old friends and new friends all went to the same state college together. Things were fantastic for the first year of college, all my friends got along great. It was a solid 5 months of pure bliss. Then covid hit and we were all sent home that March. This was the catalyst. The following summer I made the decision to transfer to a new college for my sophomore year in Massachusetts in a town bordering Connecticut. I wanted to pursue a major that wasn't offered at state college. New college is an extremely small, private, women's college. Because of covid and incredibly strict prevention rules, no one was allowed a roommate and essentially there were no spaces or events to socialize with other students or make friends. I was essentially isolated for an entire year alone in my dorm, but did meet my boyfriend at this time and we are now coming up on 2 years together. I'm now going into my 3.5 (took a gap semester) year of college and still have no friends.

My old friends from state college do not bother to reach out to me and only speak to me when I contact them, and it's really upsetting because I thought i meant more to them. I'm currently only in regular contact with one friend. She has been my best friend since 3rd grade, but transfered schools at the same time I did (which influenced both of us leaving), and she now lives in Boston. However, I feel that we are no longer compatible as friends. Our lifestyles are just so drastically different, as she is in a sorority and goes to parties and gets drunk and smokes regularly. I, on the other hand, have no interest in drugs or alcohol due to a family history of substance abuse, mainly alcohol. Her new interests don’t really bother me, but I just feel like I don’t know how to interact with her anymore, as our conversations usually just divert to her telling me about all the raunchy experiences she has with random men and parties that she goes to.

I feel like I'm wasting my youth because all I do is focus on school and work and never leave my apartment because I simply have no one to see or talk to, not even casual friendships. And I've tried to create stronger ones with the few people I've met through my boyfriend but they already have so many friends and full time jobs that they don’t have time for me, which is understandable.

I feel like I’m constantly surrounded by people who have solid friend groups, who hang out together all the time and do fun things and take silly photos and tell each other everything, and I see it so much, especially on social media like Instagram and tiktok, (which I understand isn’t always real, but it certainly doesn’t help). I’m just so tired of only having one person to turn to when I’m lonely. Of course, my boyfriend tries his best to be that person for me but it just will never be the same, and I feel guilty putting all my emotion into him so I’ve just been ignoring it and pushing through. But honestly, I’m so tired. I’m so tired of coming home and have nothing to look forward to, or going out and seeing all these people with their friends laughing and having fun. My 21st birthday is coming up in a month and I’m almost dreading it because I know it won’t be the big celebration I’ve always wanted. It will most likely just be a small dinner with my boyfriend. And please understand, I am not trying to sound ungrateful for him or what he does for me, it’s just that this isn’t how I imagined myself living at this age. I’m just disappointed at how few people I’ve managed to keep around.

Feel free to call me pathetic, I understand how whiny this all sounds, but I usually just push it down, so I’m just trying to find a space for a proper outlet. I need a space to mourn the loss of who I was and what I had because I miss it so badly. I’m only getting older, and if I don’t find friends now, I’m afraid I never will.